I have been trying to help my husband. He hasn't shown any grief since the day he had to see his father's body at the funeral home. At the funeral he was the only dry-eyed person. I have been doing everything around the house, and anything I can think of to make things easier on him. But I am about ready to snap. NOt at him but at the insensitivity of other people. It is crazy. First, the my FIL's sister (in her 50's) posted an invite to his funeral on facebook. It was supposed to be a private family graveside service because my husband's mother is in a very fragile state right now. It was such a shock and she is not doing well. So two days before the funeral it is found out that his family now has to get together enough food to feed about 50 ppl because my FIL's sister invited all these people to the service and get together afterward. They did NOT need the extra stress of having to do this!! And a simple thing- my parents decided to send flowers my MIL's house even though they really don't know her. My mother asked ME to send them (because I could pick out something she'd like I guess) so I called a local florist and asked that the flowers be delivered to the house on the day of the funeral. The florist calls me back the day of the funeral to say they couldn't get the flowers I wanted in that day so they would be delivered the next day. I didn't want to argue so I said ok. There are more important things. But then I get another call that evening saying the flowers wouldnt' be delivered until TWO days after the funeral. I spoke with the owner who was VERY rude. When I said the flowers were for a funeral he corrected me and said "No they are not for a funeral, they are being delivered to a home address." Yes, dumbass but they have a sympathy card with them. He then asked what the address was even though I'd already given it to the person who took the order previously. He went on to say it wasn't his fault (I wasn't even upset at this point) that his supplier was late and all he could do was have me select another arrangement and he "Might" be able to deliver it by the next day. I found another florist and called him back and asked him to cancel the order. He said he'd already made arrangements to get the flowers I needed (still two days late) and I told him I just wanted to cancel the order please and he said whatever and hung up on me!! Stupid, but I just broke down crying. And at the service, the strangest thing was that my MIL did not want to watch her husband's urn be buried in the dirt (her kids and grandkids wanted to watch) and I definately don't blame her. She is still thinking of him as a person who is alive or has characteristics of being alive and to see that would just kill me. She started bawling and told everyone she had to get out of there and NOT one of her kids escorted her away. MY FIL's sister who posted the thing on facebook took her away. It also seems that my MIL does not want to hear any good things about her husband from anyone. SHe is very angry toward him (probably for leaving her alone) and if anything nice is said she gets mad. So I say nothing. I just don't know what to do.

I had the most remarkable experience this weekend. Please indulge me with a little background. My husband and I have been in the construction industry all of our lives. His last job was a Manager of Construction for a large telecom company. In earlier years he was a project manager, superintendent, foreman and initialy a journeyman carpenter. I am still a construction project manager. Over the years we did many projects together. Our last was the cabin at our hunting ranch, before he was diagnosed with cancer. My dad was a general contractor and did a lot of work for the Army in WWII on Fort Sam Houston. In the late forties they had thousands of wooden quanset huts they were trying to get rid of. He brought one here to the lake house. It was a playhouse for me, we turned it into a bedroom for our teenaged son and eventually it became a tool shed. It's a sad little building now, the roofing had blown off of it, door falling off etc. We discussed tearing it down, but Kim didn't have the strength and I couldn't do anything without making him feel worse. So it just sat there. About three weeks ago I decided to restore it. I have the tools (nail guns etc.) and the know-how from all of those projects we did together, and my Bachelor's degree was in Architecture although I never practiced. But I'm 60 years old and could never do as well as Kim. But Saturday I decided to get started. I went and bought my initial materials. My first priority was the roof, so I could stop the water from leaking in. All afternoon I could hear Kim's voice in my head. I couldn't find my 12 ounce hammer and I could hear "If you put it back where you got it every time, you wouldn't have to look for it". I was choking up on the hammer handle and I heard "If you're not going to use the whole handle, I'll cut it off for you".....and just silly stuff like that. My biggest problem is that I have wanted so badly to feel him around me. I sleep on his pillows, wear his shirts, put his toothpick in my mouth...everything I could think of, but nothing worked. My grief was crushing me. So Saturday night I fell into bed and I dreamed about him for the first time. We were at a dinner party and I looked at him and said "But Honey, you can't be here because you're dead". And he said, "But I am here". Then two men came up to me and said they were doctors and they had cured him. Then he disappeared from the dream, but I knew it was alright because he would be back. When I woke up Sunday morning I felt as though a thousand pound weight had been lifted from my chest. I was happy for the first time in months. I was raised very Catholic (Grade School, High School, College). My standing joke now is that my religious beliefs run from A to Z, Agnosticism to Zen. I believe in everything just in case one of them is right. I told God (if there is a God) "If you're going to rip the heart out of my chest, the least you could do is send me some salve or something. You're killing me here". Maybe the dream was my answer. Maybe my mind made it up because I needed it so badly. But I choose to believe that it was Kim, telling me that he is here with me. I still grieve. I miss him terribly and still cry every day. I have a long, painful road ahead of me. But that crushing weight is gone. I wish that for all of you. Anniebear

I lost my Mom suddenly 6 weeks ago due to health issues, so I understand part of what you're feeling. It's hard dealing with unexpected deaths or tragic accidents. From what I've learned in the grief group I attend, you have to let yourself feel the pain or it will come back later in a worse way. So I kind of think it's too soon for you to go back to your normal routine, although I would never give anyone advice since this is all so very individual. This sentence you wrote struck me...."She was dealt a really bad hand in life and coped the best she could, she was the best Mom she could possibly be giving the pain she was exposed to and the subsequent decisions she made to deal with that pain."......I think it's very healthy that you acknowledge the cards your Mom was dealt and give her credit for coping the best she could, yet you also know that she made decisions in the way she coped too. This is a healthy way to look at it. It sounds like you were very close and I know how hard it is to lose a Mom you are close to. I hope you can find some joy and strength with your husband and kids.

I'm so sorry for this terrible, sudden loss. Your husband was so young. You must allow yourself time to grieve and cry all you want. It's just a process that cannot be hurried, unfortunately. I know everything you do for the first time without him in your life is difficult. Please do post here and go on & on & on all you want. Everyone here cares. Stay in touch. I send you a cyber-hug!