Lost my husband of 41 years

anniebear_2010

My husband died on June 19th. I ran away from home when I was seventeen to be with him. He was my soul mate. I don't know what to do. People keep telling me it will get better but it hurts worse every day. I have a good job I have children and grandchildren in other cities. I am too young to retire. I never knew pain could be this bad. I promised my husband I would be OK, but I don't know how.

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mav63_2007

Anniebear,
I can't tell you how sorry I am about the death of your husband. Losing the man you have loved all your life is an indescribable pain, and I am sure it will get better some day but not very soon. It has been 3 1/2 years for me and I had a meltdown just about an hour ago. Children and grandchildren are a big help but then you grieve for what he is missing with them. Grief is a terrible burden but you begin to get used to it after a while. Be kind to yourself and cry as much as you need to, there is no use in trying to stop it and you will one day realize that you aren't crying so much. He will always be alive in your heart and keep him alive in the children's hearts, he loved you so much.

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socks

How awfully sad for you. I'm so sorry. It will get better, but not for quite some time, I'm afraid. Treat yourself gently, cry all you need to. Probably work is good, but you do need some time off at this point, so I hope you are taking it. I hope you have family and friends surrounding you. Do talk about your feelings and the issues you are facing.

He is gone, your life together is gone, but your love for him will never be gone.

Take care,

Susan

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karen_b

Anniebear,
My husband died suddenly only a few days before your husband on June 15th. I was pregnant and 17 when we were married 34 yrs ago and went directly from my parents home to my husbands and now I'm alone for the first time and I don't like it. I finally allowed myself to be angry at him, though that hurts too. I'm seeing a grief counselor who has helped me to see things in a different perspective.

I too have children but they don't understand what I am going through and I don't expect them to. All I want is for them to be with me as much as possible, but their schedules & lives keep them away. I know exactly what you mean about the pain, I read where it feels like daggers sticking in your heart and you feel like an impaled butterfly. I could relate to both and still can. I cry when I wake up, throughout the day and when I go to bed. I see him in everything I do and where ever I go and look.

I'm only 52 (recently laid off) and he had just retired 3 yrs ago. I took for granted we had a long life ahead of us and now I have a lot of regrets I am trying to sort through. If you need someone to talk to please feel free to email me.

You asked what you can do, I have found reading books on grief written by others who have lost a spouse have been very helpful in knowing the feelings I am having are normal. (If you want a list let me know) Also, I've started reading Psalms before I go to bed, even though nothing is comforting me they comfort me long enough for me to fall asleep. And I try to get out of the house at least once a day for a couple of hours. But ultimately you have to determine what will help you take your mind off of your loss for even only a few minutes so you don't cry all of time. Though I do cry quite often while I'm driving, if I cry too hard I have pulled off the side of the road. Also, I have kept a journal since the day he died and tell him how I am feeling and what happened that day. I also write letters to him and others. I have a list of the things he used to do, and a separate journal just for remembrances as they start coming back. And I also started going back to church.

I hope one of these helps,
Hugs
Karen

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anniebear_2010

I had the most remarkable experience this weekend. Please indulge me with a little background. My husband and I have been in the construction industry all of our lives. His last job was a Manager of Construction for a large telecom company. In earlier years he was a project manager, superintendent, foreman and initialy a journeyman carpenter. I am still a construction project manager. Over the years we did many projects together. Our last was the cabin at our hunting ranch, before he was diagnosed with cancer.

My dad was a general contractor and did a lot of work for the Army in WWII on Fort Sam Houston. In the late forties they had thousands of wooden quanset huts they were trying to get rid of. He brought one here to the lake house. It was a playhouse for me, we turned it into a bedroom for our teenaged son and eventually it became a tool shed. It's a sad little building now, the roofing had blown off of it, door falling off etc. We discussed tearing it down, but Kim didn't have the strength and I couldn't do anything without making him feel worse. So it just sat there.

About three weeks ago I decided to restore it. I have the tools (nail guns etc.) and the know-how from all of those projects we did together, and my Bachelor's degree was in Architecture although I never practiced. But I'm 60 years old and could never do as well as Kim. But Saturday I decided to get started. I went and bought my initial materials. My first priority was the roof, so I could stop the water from leaking in.

All afternoon I could hear Kim's voice in my head. I couldn't find my 12 ounce hammer and I could hear "If you put it back where you got it every time, you wouldn't have to look for it". I was choking up on the hammer handle and I heard "If you're not going to use the whole handle, I'll cut it off for you".....and just silly stuff like that.

My biggest problem is that I have wanted so badly to feel him around me. I sleep on his pillows, wear his shirts, put his toothpick in my mouth...everything I could think of, but nothing worked. My grief was crushing me.

So Saturday night I fell into bed and I dreamed about him for the first time. We were at a dinner party and I looked at him and said "But Honey, you can't be here because you're dead". And he said, "But I am here". Then two men came up to me and said they were doctors and they had cured him. Then he disappeared from the dream, but I knew it was alright because he would be back. When I woke up Sunday morning I felt as though a thousand pound weight had been lifted from my chest. I was happy for the first time in months.

I was raised very Catholic (Grade School, High School, College). My standing joke now is that my religious beliefs run from A to Z, Agnosticism to Zen. I believe in everything just in case one of them is right. I told God (if there is a God) "If you're going to rip the heart out of my chest, the least you could do is send me some salve or something. You're killing me here". Maybe the dream was my answer. Maybe my mind made it up because I needed it so badly. But I choose to believe that it was Kim, telling me that he is here with me.

I still grieve. I miss him terribly and still cry every day. I have a long, painful road ahead of me. But that crushing weight is gone. I wish that for all of you.

Anniebear

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trembath_bigpond_net_au

I really feel for you, I have just lost my most beloved husband of 41 years just 3 weeks ago, I have known him since I was 19 YEARS OLD He was my husband, best friend, sole mate and the only one who has ever truly loved and cared for me he was alwayd doing little things to make me happy,always trying to help me with any of my problems, he was a very gentle very intelligent and humble Gentleman.
at present I'm completely lost and cry at a drop of a hat, my only salvation is a group of really caring friends who let me talk and cry all the time. I do get a break because I have to work long hours in a small business this keeps me sane untill I'm alone again, all I can do for you is to share my experience. They say it will get better in time but that one never really gets over it, especially if your husband is your soul mate. God Bless you,
Frencis

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