Sudden death of my 34 year old husband

16 years ago

I can't believe I am writing a blog about the fact that my husband is dead. I knew I was with the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I only had him for eight years. He was 1 year shy of finishing his residency and we were 1 year shy of having all our dreams come true. We have two little boys, a 6 year old and 2 year old. We struggled since we met. We thought the worst was behind us. He has been gone for 10 days. If one more person tells me to be strong I may lose it.

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Comments (6)

mav63_2007
16 years ago
I am so, so sorry for your loss. You have been cheated out of the future your husband worked so hard to achieve for you and it just isn't fair.
You can't be expected to be strong all the time, your heart is broken but people don't know what else to say. I have been where you are (always will be) and I don't know what to say to you except that I am sorry.
taunia1
16 years ago
I know just what you're feeling. I too, lost my husband less than 2 months ago. We have a 10 year old son. He was 52 and I'm 53. Here it is 2a.m. and I'm still up. I usually go to bed around 5a.m. these days. Just know that my heart goes out to you and your children. I finally had to take his picture down in my bedroom; I cried every morning when I woke up because he was the first thing I'd see. I feel a bit guilty for that but I know he wouldn't want me to be so sad. Take care. You're in my thoughts and prayers.
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Hi Mary, I went over to Kitchen Table and read your posts. I'm sorry about the loss of your dear husband, now there is a gap where a person used to be and that is always such a challenge to overcome. Someone once told me that they felt that they were cut in two when they lost their spouse. I cannot even begin to imagine. I read a USA Today report that showed some research done by the University of Michigan that mentioned that a bereaved spouse needs at leas 18 months to recover physically and psychologically. Although you may not thing so at present Mary, each day will get better as time goes on. Also, don't be afraid to let your tears flow. Psychologist Dr. Joyce Brothers, herself a widow, likens tears to emotional first aid. Crying is a normal part of your grieving process. You said in one of your posts in the KT forum that you have received many cards of condolence, have you written them back? Why not take some time and put in writing all the good things that you remember about your husband and the moments you shared and thank those who have reached out to you. Make an album with photographs, love letters, and notes of the good times you spent with your loved one. This will be painful at first but in the long run it will help you to heal. I can relate to what you said that some don't say anything because they don't know what to say and I can say that I have done that once. I wish I could go back and change that. But I'm here now trying to help others through their grief by using the Bible. For me, there is no better hope since I know for a fact that the promises we find in the Bible of seeing our loved ones when they are resurrected will be fulfilled. Reading on the resurrection accounts found in the Bible and meditating on them, visualizing the events makes them more real to me. "Time indefinite He has put their heart", the Bible tells us about God (Ecclesiastes 3:11) And He will use the resurrection to make everlasting life possible for people who have died. Psalms 37:11 says, "but the meek ones themselves will possess the earth, and they will indeed find their exquisite delight in the abundance of peace." Life in this earth under God's Kingdom rule will not be like what we are experiencing now, full of war, crime poverty, injustice, illness, and death. It will be a fulfilling and satisfying life beyond our fondest dreams. Learning more about what God's Kingdom is, the Kingdom that we all pray for in the Lord's Prayer: "Let your Kingdom come.."(Matthew 6:9, 10), will give us a more clear picture of these future promises that seem so unattainable to us now. We just need to be focused. Mary, hang in there, these hard times will soon be a part of the past. We all have suffered a loss of a loved one and we all here can somewhat understand what you are feeling. We hope to hear back from you soon. Warm hugs, Ada
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I'm so sorry. You'll never be the way you were, nor would you want to be; as you said, he was your true love, & he wouldn't want you to grieve & be miserable & not enjoy, relish, & revel in the life you still have on this earth with your/his children. You are a vibrant young mother with 2 dear children tethering you to this earth; your mission here is important & it won't be complete for many many years. Your precious sons are the next links in your beloved husband's chain of life, & you're the one who can nurture their connections to their roots, for their sakes & for the sakes of their children., Please take care of yourself, in every way. Eat right, don't drink, make sure you see people every day (isolation is an enemy). Grief is deep & dark, but depression is a physical malfunction that can be beaten. Get outside that house & get your heart pumping; oxygenated blood is the best medicine for...well, many things. I know you don't feel like jogging or playing tennis or swimming, because not wanting to do anything is a symptom of depression. Make yourself do it anyway. If you can't summon the strength, have someone call you every morning & tell you to get up & get dressed & get outside. I always managed to get up if I knew someone was on the way over to take me to jazzercise, etc, somebody who wouldn't be embarrassed to bang on the door & holler at me to get my @ss out there. & go to your doctor: this is the year 2014, & there are sophisticated medicines out there these days to help you. Enlist some help; go to your family, friends, neighbors, church family, people at work, people you meet in the grocery store (seriously, I've found that saying "what a beautiful hairdo!" or "is that the best peanut butter?" provides a tiny little spark of human contact that really helps you to keep putting one foot in front of the other). & this may sound off the wall, but do something for someone else: it lifts the spirits & affirms...something, I don't know what. I do know that researchers have discovered that giving makes people happier than getting, or as our grandmothers said, it really is 'more blessed to give than to receive'. I wish you the very best, including a long & satisfying life, filled with the memories whose pain will fade in time, leaving only a sweet joy.
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Two years ago I had four cats, now 2. Two died in past 2 years from cancer both between 10-11. One last year and the recent one. The last one was hard as well. She died of vaccine associated fibrosarcoma. A very bad cancer that some cats appear to develop from injections. I tried getting her treatment, but the oncologist really indicated not much hope and treatments would severely impact quality of life. So I waited until tumors were bad and she looked sad and I put her down. Go figure, my cat died in that case from the vaccines I thought were to keep her healthy. I kind of expected people to say my recent cat's death was my fault as well. He lived with smoker for just under a year as I quit about 8-10 months after I got him and when I started again I never smoked inside. He did go on porch, but not so much when I smoked. He liked to lay out there and I just assumed 10 windows in 12 x12room was well ventilated. He was the only one of my cats who went out there cause he loved porch and back yard. I do not know where he lived first year either as I adopted him. So, if what I did to him didn't cause it, it definitely did not help. What I wonder is lung cancer in cats in urban areas is much higher too. I was kind of curious if anyone had thoughts on that one. It puzzled me. Maybe cause cats usually are just indoor? He was indoor only cat except when he went out on harness in spring and summer. My friend also said I should test my house for radon as cigarettes is horrible and radon is bad, but together the chances of lung cancer go through the roof at least for people. Now I am a little freaked about that one. Like you said though. Live and learn. I need to quit smoking for myself. None of my other pets have been around smoke in 8+ years, so I hope they are all ok. With 4 senior pets still in my house, I just hope I do not kill anymore. Cause 2 in 2 years is enough.
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socks
16 years ago
I am so very sorry for your terrible loss. You are suffering terribly now, and I know your children are as well. Heartfelt condolences, and I'll be thinking about you. Cry all you need to.
bstajii
16 years ago
34 years old so young. My husband was almost to turn 52. My husband supported me through college, my undergraduate degree and my masers degree to which I just graduated with my masters one year before he passed. I feel as though he never got to enjoy the fruits of my labor through college. I know he sacraficed so much for me and the kids while I was in college. I miss him, he taught me so much about life, everything I need to know to live on with the kids. I understand your grief, I compare it to a roller coaster each day. It has been seven months now and still miss him and love more than ever. I just keep loving him each day.
karen_b
16 years ago
I suddenly lost my husband 7 wks ago after 34 yrs of marriage. He just retired after 30 yrs at a job he hated and was finally doing something he loved. We had all kinds of dreams and we had just started to enjoy them, now I have to make new dreams for myself without him and I don't like it. I cry all of the time, and I have learned to stay away from people so I don't have to deal with their thoughtlessness. Unfortunately they mean well but because they haven't been through what we are going through they have no idea what will comfort us. Though nothing comforts us at this time. I'm not going to tell you that it will get better, I "hate" it when people tell me this because right now I can't think about tomorrow. Take one day at a time, don't think about tomorrow it will come soon enough and you can deal with it then.

You just lost your husband, you need to take care of yourself and cry, cry, cry and then cry somemore. It may not seem as though it is helping but 5 weeks from now it will. You will have your good moments and your bad moments, and your bad moments will be more often then the good ones. This is normal for someone grieving a loved one. I have been reading books on grief written by professionals who have experienced a loss of a spouse and they have helped me to realize all of the emotions I am feeling and going through are normal...as normal can be.

Please take care of yourself and hug your children whenever you need him because he is in them. Keep 'blogging' trust me it helps to put it into words.

Hugs,
Karen
sjgoch
16 years ago
May I suggest you log on to www.groww.org. They have a site for widows open from 7 PM to midnight Eastern time every night. It certainly helped me.

Here is a link that might be useful: GROWW

Sudden death of my 34 year old husband

Comments (6)

mav63_2007

taunia1

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