I'm so sorry.

Your counsellor is right;
your feelings & needs are paramount now, & well-meaning friends need to know that you can't bear to hear more sadness from anyone else.

They've experienced loss themselves, they'll understand.

Funnily enough, I think you yourself need to follow the thereapist's advice:

focus on your own needs first, not on the needs of your children.

As stricken as they may be, we all expect to lose our parents at some point;
the loss of a partner/spouse is much more shattering.

Rather than trying to be strong for your kids & handling your own grief stoically, engage in some give-&-take & let them help you.

sending you & your family good thoughts for healing & wishing you the best.

Is there any support groups in your area? That could help. Do you belong to any church? One step/day at a time. You could start a journal/scrapbook. Write a sentence or more each day. Good or bad or everyday memories. Could be just a note book. Going thru pictures sometimes help, but not all day. Start a new hobby, later do volunteer help where you feel comfortable. Be honest with your children, cry, listen, talk again bits and pieces. Do you have grandkids? Get their memories and write them down along with pictures.
Wish you the best

That's a terrible, shocking way to lose a spouse. Your head must be spinning now. I'm very glad you are in grief counseling. I hope you can tell friends and family how you feel in a gentle way. Just remember they are desperately trying to help you in their own ways, and they do not mean you any further hurt. As you know from your counseling, anger is part of the grieving process. Deepest condolences.

A daughter, my son & his fiance came for dinner tonight and we talked about what I needed from them at this time. They understood the needed to let me cry and being there for me.

After my husband died I started going back to church and can't figure out why we had stopped. I have been journaling to my husband since the day he died, it has helped greatly. My counselor doesn't think I am ready for a support group at this time, but said eventually I may want to. The church is working on one this fall, and I encouraged her to help. I wish pictures helped, I have a collage of pictures of him over my computer and cry as I remember what he was doing in each picture and want him here. Especially our last vacation, our last family picture in May and our trip 2 yrs ago cross country. I'm so glad I have those memories, but they have to last me a life time now. I know, I know I'll make new memores but he won't be a part of them.

My hobby was being a Master Gardener but I don't have any interest in gardening now. It's all I can do to keep the vegetable garden going. It didn't rain for one month after he died and all of my gardens have suffered considerably. They were all beautiful after the funeral, so many people walked through them and enjoyed them, I told him he finally had his party and wasn't there to enjoy it. Now the beds are badly withered and what made it through the heat and no rain were eaten by the deer. So now my beautiful gardens are ruined and I have no interest in them. I had been helping a friend, with heart problems, before my husband died and he still wants me to help him but I no longer have the stamina it takes to garden. Maybe when the weather cools I may give it a try again. But right know I have no interest and he understands. He and his wife are 82 and the day my husband died he had just returned from the hospital where he thought he wasn't going to make it and had asked me to help his wife if he didn't make it, but instead they said the roles were reversed and they will help me in whatever way they can. I know everyone means well, but I don't know what I want let alone asking someone to do something for me.

Thank you all for listening and being here for me, it is greatly appreciated. Wish me luck I am going to breakfast with a friend tomorrow morning and will try to explain to her how much I enjoy getting together with her but would really appreciate it if she would listen more.

Karen

Karen--Don't worry about the gardens. At some future time you will probably get back to them because you seem to have a love of gardening, but for now, just let them go. At some point you may find the beauty of a garden comforting. You could even redo a portion and make it a memorial garden. But that would not be for now.

I'm glad you have friends and family around you and hope the breakfast went well. The journaling is good too.

Take care....Susan

My dear Karen, First of all thank you so much for your response to my initial posting. It really did help. Your counselor is right. Tell your friends that their stories are not helping. They might get miffed with you, but if they are truly your friends they will understand and comply. I had to tell my dear friend and aethiest neighbor that he was being a complete jerk, he apologized and we are still friends. I am actually fortuate because it is just me and the dogs. My husband worked on the road for many years and being alone in the house isn't unfamiliar. My children live 250 miles away so they are not here every day to watch me fall apart. On Saturday I dreamed about my husband for the first time since his death on June 19th. We were at a dinner party and I told him "You can't be here because you're dead". He said to me, "But I am here". (If you want the whole story, read my post from this morning). Maybe it was my mind making it up because I needed it so badly. But I choose to think it was Kim telling me that he is here with me. I am still grieving, I still cry every day (sometimes several times a day), I still sleep on his pillow and wear his T-shirts. But because of that dream, the crushing weight is gone. I can't explain it, but I know that somehow at some time you will feel that relief. Just hang on and keep talking to us.

Anniebear, When Ed died I felt his presence daily, and felt as though in my mind he was talking to me. I would go to his grave and sit and talk and ask him how I should handle a certain situation and I felt as though he would answer me in short succinct answers. Though my logical side tells me that is just my subconscience telling me what I already know but my heart tells me it's him. I've had three dreams of him since he died. The first was after I buried him, we were outside and he came up to me and we talked, but I don't remember of what, and the I said to him I just buried you and he said I know. When I woke up there was a brown moth (our last name is Brown)on the wall above my head. It stayed there all morning, then it moved to a memorial painting titled Going Home with Jesus with his hands reaching out and Ed's picture in the bottom left corner. It stayed on the picture all night and the next day it was up at the skylight. I went online to determine what kind of moth it was and it turned out to be a bad moth, so I let it free because it was freaking me out. My next dream bothered me considerable until I realized it was Ed telling me I needed to move on and stop feeling so guilty. Since then I hadn't felt his presence which has made the grief and loneliness so much worse. His mother came to me (again in my subconscience) and told he was in God's hands right not and couldn't be with me but that he would be again but wouldn't say when. I asked her a lot of questions which when I woke up I wrote down so I wouldn't forget. I may not feel his presence anymore but he is talking to me again.

I think I had said I had been praying for listeners, my breakfast went great. She let me talk for over 30 mins. and then we talked about things going on in general. It was very pleasant. Her husband got me my last job and she asked if I would consider a job overseas, of course I told her no, but the kids think it might be a good idea. I'm also thinking of some sort of mission work. But it is too soon to make any kind of long term decision.

I flew out to my daughter's in CO yesterday and before I flew out I prayed for people to talk to while at the airport & on the plane. My prayers were answered twofold. And, this may seem strange to none believers, but I truly believe one was an angel. We talked for hours at the airport, she was on standby and I had chosen to take a later flight for a $400 credit, just before the doors closed she was told to get on the plane and take any seat...and the seat next to me was empty and she said as soon as she saw me she said she'd take that seat. It made the 4 hr flight more relaxing and comforting though I did cry a little. After we deboarded I didn't see her again though I did see another passenger that talked with us at the airport. We wished each other well and went our separate ways. My son calls these "one time friends".

I just noticed the size of me replies, they sure are lengthy, but it feels good to write it out because then I can print it out and keep it in my journal.

Again thank you all for listening.

May I suggest you log on to www.groww.org. They have a site for widows open from 7 PM to midnight Eastern time every night. It certainly helped me.

Here is a link that might be useful: GROWW

I jusr re-read your post about the gardens. My ambition has always been to be a Master Gardener, but Kim was sick for so many years, and I am still holding down a full time job, so there was never time. About 10 years ago I had a dear friend at work who was about to turn fifty. I was a couple of years younger than him but I was dreading it. I was so depressed that year I didn't plant anything. We went out to lunch one day and started talking about turning 50 and I told him how I was feeling. When we got back to work, as he got out of the car he said "plant something and watch it grow, it will make you feel better". Two days later he died of a massive heart attack, a day before his 50th birthday. On the way home from the funeral I stopped and bought a ridiculous number of plants and spent the afternoon in the garden. The purple cone flowers have flourished and I always think of them as Bill's flowers.

Today would have been my husband's 62nd birthday. Most of my flowers are perennials, thank goodness, but I planted a few vegetables just so the grandchildren would have something to do in the garden (they are pickers, not planters). Like you, my garden looks terrible. I have kept it watered, but the weeds are higher than the plants. So I got out very early this morning and started weeding. I thought if I wore myself out I wouldn't spend so much time thinking about what day it is.

I am still working on my little construction project. For me, it is just like gardening. I am creating something with my own hands and have found it very healing. Don't worry about the garden now. Maybe in the Fall, or better yet, start planning for next Spring. I think about you often. Take care of yourself.

While I was at my daughter's I did alot of reflecting on our marriage and wrote a lot of memories in my journal. The hardest part about being at my daughter's was sitting at the table with an empty chair staring me in the face that Ed should have been sitting in and also when we went to Estes Park walking around the shops I wanted to hold his hand like the other couples but his hand wasn't there for me to take and it never will be again.

I also asked myself in our marriage who needed the other person more? I leaned on Ed for companionship and security. When we were in crowds I'd only feel comfortable if I was with Ed. Carrying on a converstaion with others was hard for me, but Ed could talk to anyone about anything and if I was with him I felt part of the conversation without saying a word. I may have made the everyday decisions but we talked about big decisions together until we agreed. At which point Ed thought out how to make it happen. There were usually compromises made on one of our parts, who compromised the most I don't know. But when it came to large purchases for the house I wanted Ed to enjoy it too & I didn't think it was that important to force my view or it was easier for me to give in than to decide what I really wanted.

Also in our marriage I was the one who took charge, I planned and made lists and I'd give Ed a list of things he needed to do so whatever was planned would be accomplished. Whether it was one of the many times we moved, a holiday or just company coming for dinner. In reality I think he didn't care because then he didn't have to make a decision. The only time he didn't like things planned out was on vacation or day trips and we still had great times. I used to think this was a weakness but realized it was because he valued and trusted my opinion and judgement more than I realized.

I tried to make a list of things I liked, but all I could think of was things Ed liked because it seems that is what we usually ended up doing or we compromised and thinking back than neither of us really got what we wanted.

My biggest question was concerning my lack of being able to show emotions, as I may have mentioned because of my crying my children are now seeing a side of their mother they never knew existed. My mother used to say of all of her children I was the only one who didn't want to be cuddled. Ed was the compassionate one. I wonder can an emotionless person drain the emotions out of another person so that person could no longer show the other person emotion?

Another thing I realized was that we had been in a mostly contented phase of our marriage until I started a new job in Oct of 2008. At which time I became very discontented and frustrated and I thought that is was because of Ed, when actually it was the responsibilities of the job. I wasn't used to the pressurers of that type of job and I took it out on him. Why is it we don't see our circumstances this clearly until it's too late?

I hate the struggle between my heart, that wants to remember only the wonderful loving person he was a long time ago and my head that keeps reminding me of how miserable we both had been these past years. Which do I listen to? I realized I had to listen to both and continue with this conflict until I can make the two into the truth.

I have to remind myself it's only been seven weeks.

Again, thank you for letting me give a voice to my grief. Karen

Anniebear I'm so sorry about your friend. I hope you continue gardening and don't give up on wanting to be a Master Gardener it is very rewarding. I also hope you will complete your project, keep us all up to date on its progress. Most important wish your husband a Happy Birthday from all of us. I was writing some information on my calendar this evening and turned to December and saw the Anniversary sticker I had placed on the date of what would have been our 35th Anniversary and I bawled because he won't be there to celebrate it with me ever again.

Dear Karen, Don't beat yourself up. We too had our moments. We went into the construction business together...a terrible mistake. Beause of our experience we spent more time competing rather than complementing. And I could never do anything right. I met a man who thought the sun rose and set in me and I was infatuated with him. My husband was his friend too and one night we were all at a party together. When we got in the car to go home my husband said "I don't know what your relationship is with this man, and I don't want to know. All I know is that when the party is over, you come home with me". That's when I realized how much he loved me. Fortunately, that was over 20 years ago and I had time to repair any damage I had done.

I was the outgoing one, easily bored and with a fragile ego. We moved a half dozen times because I was bored or homesick. Kim gave up wonderful jobs to start over somewhere I wanted to go. I handled all the money because I refused to let go. In the end he wouldn't even open the mail. I came to understand a long time ago that if I was unhappy or frustrated or bored it wasn't his fault....it was inside of me. And I learned to deal with it in my own way.....start a project, plant a new garden, dye my hair, go on a diet. Unfortunately, most of my projects involved manual labor or strange dinner menus for my husband. But he never complained. There were times with my job that he couldn't help me, but I knew that wasn't his fault.

Forget about those last three years. You're smart, you loved him, you would have figured it out, just like I did. Unfortunatey you didn't have the gift of time that I had.

Kim and I watched that movie "The Bucket List" and we asked each other, if you knew you only had a few days or weeks to live, what do you feel you would "have" to do. Not just want to do , but have to do. And the answer for both of us was "nothing". There were many, many things we wanted to do, but nothing that we had to do. We had both sought or given forgiveness to people we had hurt or been hurt by. The people we loved knew we loved them and they loved us.

A friend of mine once told me that the only thing she wanted when she was lying on her death bed was to know that she hadn't wasted a minute of her time worrying about things that didn't matter. I want to live the rest of my life that way and I want to keep that "have to" bucket empty. As far as the rest, I haven't a clue what to do with the rest of my life.

Anniebear, my grief counselor explained how I had set expectations for myself that were too high and I need to realized which ones they were and put them into perspective so I can put them behind me. When I think about it most of the regrets and guilt I've been having has been due to too high expections, but I always thought he deserved better. I know we always had our ups and downs and over time we worked them out enough that we were able to be happy again. I have to tell myself that we would have worked this one out eventually too. But, right now it's still hard because I'm still missing him so much.

I try to forget how miserable we had been to each other over the past few years but there were some very good memories during that time too and so these years are the ones that are freshest in my mind and I haven't been able to only dwell on the good memories yet.

When I'd get unhappy or frustrated I'd often tell him it wasn't his fault I just didn't know what was wrong with me and he was always there so I took it out on him. I think over the years it wore him down to the point where he just didn't care anymore. I know I shouldn't beat myself up about this but I can't stop regretting what I can't change. I'm working on it but it isn't getting any better.

I'll never forget the night I saw the Bucket List in the theater. We had a big fight and I left. It was late and I didn't know where to go but I wanted to stay out late so he'd worry. So I went to the movies and saw the Bucket List, and cried my eyes out. When I returned home, which I had every intention of doing, he was fast asleep on the sofa and hadn't realized I was gone. We later bought the DVD and watched it together and the only thing he said he'd like to do before he died was go on a horse drawn sleigh. He never did get his sleigh ride.

Yesterday morning I went to my Chiropractor for an adjustment, he knew Ed too, and has been concerned about my health & well being (it's hard to find good dr's like that). We talked awhile and he told me he knew that I was the strong one, then said he wanted me to start walking. So this morning I took a 30 min brisk walk at a park and then sat for an hour writing in my journal. I cried but it did make me feel better, so much so that when I got home I did alot of gardening. I've been told I need to simplify my life, so I started by planting all of the seedlings I started this spring in one of my empty vegetable garden beds so I won't have to continually water the individual pots. And I am going to take a truck load of plants to the Master Gardener office for someone else to plant sit until our next plant sale. Half way through I had to stop to get ready to go to my son's for dinner and a parade. I am meeting a friend for coffee tomorrow morning, hopefully I'll get in somemore walking afterwards and feel like finishing it tomorrow.

The funny thing is I never used to be a worrier and didn't think I was now. But I guess I'm actually worrying about things I can no longer do anything about. So how do I stop now? I know exactly what you mean about not knowing what to do with the rest of your life, heck I have a hard time thinking about tomorrow. If I don't write an appt on the calendar I forget it, my mind is somewhere else. I am sure it will return one day when I've been able to sort through all of the feelings I'm having and put them all behind me...but right now I still need to grieve and remind myself he's only been gone 7 weeks, what can I expect from myself. There go those high expectations again.

Anniebear if you would rather talk privately please feel free to email me at edkarbrown@embarqmail.com. I need to change my email address but at this point I've not been able to remove his name from accounts. How do you handle the finality? I still have his cell phone and I've still not washed the sheets. I mostly cry now because I miss him so much, never did I think saying goodbye would be this hard.

Sent you an E-mail to your personal E-mail address. Went to see Kim's grave today and took flowers and birthday cards. It was hard, but I survived. Fort Sam Houston is a beautiful place, but I know he isn't really there.