I feel bad for your husband also. I do have to wonder why your son isn't seeing his Dad at all on Father's day or maybe celebrate with him a day early. Some times it just takes a little extra effort when you have to try to include two families (hers and his). Also sounds like your son is also a Dad so maybe his family has plans for his special day. Anyway none of this will make your hubby feel any better. I guess maybe as the wife of the father you can make the day a little special for him. I hope your husband has a good Father's day.
Satine

Is there any way you can talk to your son? Relationships are difficult and complicated. So many different personalities.

You need to have a family meeting! I understand first hand what it's like having in laws that you just don't like. But, when grandchildren are involved, it's a different story. At the very least your DIL should respect you.

Why don't you get along with your DIL? Why can't your son get involved? Digging deeper, is there something you are doing or not doing to foster ill will? It might not be logical, but something has ticked your DIL off and since she seems to run the show, you need to understand where she is coming from.

The fact is, you want to see your grandchildren and you need to figure out how to have a workable relationship with your son and his wife.

This sounds more complicated than it is possible to share here, Sudiepav. My thought is that you need to be in touch with your son to see if something can be arranged Saturday to honor your husband. Tell him that your husband's feelings will be hurt if he isn't remembered in some way.

Sorry, I know you are feeling sad about this.

It is very sad, however your son is the one I'd be pointing my finger at as well. Seems as though he is not willing or able to let his wife know that he'd like to include his dad in whatever is being planned or make a point to see him at some time that day.

What about previous father's day? Sounds as though your Mother's Day was not as special as you would have liked.

If I were you I'd start planning something special for your DH. Maybe a weekend getaway?

I learned not to have expectations when it came to holidays and such with my kids. It was a hard thing to do, but it helps.

I totally understand your feelings. I wish you had mentioned what their plans are. Will they spend the day with just their own little family? Your daughter in law sounds thoughtless, but your son bears responsibility too. As a stepmom I used to stress about mother's and father's days. When you have 3 generations who are parents it's difficult to honor all. Luckily our two kids have always remembered the days, but not in a big way. It matters to me more than my husband. But the grand kids always come for a quick visit with a card. I hope your son comes through.

Yes, my daughters-in-law do run the show, as they've both informed me. We do see the grandchildren often, which is a blessing. They are always happy to leave the kids with us, which we love also. They are just insensitive girls. All three of our daughters-in-law are the youngest in their families by 10 years or more. All three were raised nearly as only children. My husband and I joke that we forgot to have a girl, but it is still very sad. We are are out of the loop on so many things with our boys.

Well speaking as the hated DIL, you need to change your attitude with your DIL. My MIL has NEVER made me feel welcome in her home. She is rude to me, never has had a conversation with me. Accuses me of trying to physically hurt her.Has TOLD Tony to divorce me!! I wish I had a nickle for every time I have BEGGED Tony to call her we would be crazy rich!!! And I could go on and on. Only in the last few years has she started to come around. I am still not her favorite DIL(I am the only one)

I feel bad for your DH, but unless you get your son to stop the madness between the two of you, you will never be a priority in their lives. I was lucky, I didn't have to live near my MIL thanks to the Navy.

This is so ironic, as I had the MIL from hell! I vowed I would never be like her, but try as I may, the girls really don't like me. I've asked the boys what I've done wrong,but they say that's just the way their wives are. I was so respectful of my MIL,but she hated me anyway. Don't know how to win here.

Perhaps you could sit down and talk to your son and tell him how you feel. Actually, you SHOULD talk with him and also talk to your DIL (or maybe all of them). My family always made a big deal out of Mother's Day and Father's Day; DH's did not. I always reminded DH of the occasions and when we lived nearby, we always visited both families.

The fact that your DIL's were raised as only children is absolutely no excuse. I was practically an only child too, since I was younger than my sister by nearly nine years. My sister left home for college when I was nine and was married when I was 11. I never have and never will treat my in-laws like that.

Perhaps they don't realize how insensitive they're being. It is astonishing to me that your son(s) are ok with this and just allow their wives to tell them to ignore their parents on their special days. Do your DIL's treat their parents the same way? I understand that with them having kids that they might have plans of their own with their little family. But they could stop by for a few minutes or arrange a celebration on Saturday.

Maybe it's time to ask the DIL's? To be clear, all three sons are not stopping by to see their dad?

True story. My sister sees her grandchildren once a month and they live less than 30 minutes away. My sister interpretation of herself is someone who doesn't interfere. How she is seen by her DIL is that she is bossy and takes over. (We heard this through my niece who is friendly with the DIL)
Although I would not call my sister bossy, she takes over a conversation and will talk for her husband and her sons. When we were invited to see the new house, my sister did nothing to help during the party. ( she does nothing to help at my house when invited also.)

The point is, we can think we are behaving one way, but in reality, it's can be the opposite. Something has to be going on if all three DIL's don't like you.

Your sons will regret this one day. I always visited my parents for Mother's Day and Father's Day. My mother died when I was 30 and my dad now has dementia. I would love to have another Mother's Day with my mom and I'd love to know that my dad will remember my Father's Day visit. You take your parents for granted when you're young and just assume that they'll always be there, but they won't.

It does sound like your sons need to step up and not allow their wives to control everything. If nothing else, your son should come to visit his dad even if he comes without his wife. It would be nice if your DIL would come too, but at least your DH would be getting a visit.

Even if I didn't go, I can't even imagine trying to stop DH from visiting his own parents. Wow!

I have the MIL from hell. When it comes to Mother's Day we no longer celebrate it because unless my MIL is the center of attention she will make everyone's life miserable. My DH spends the day with her and I spend it at home which is good with me. Like orchidllauraga, I wasn't first choice in a wife for her son and our relationship when down hill from there. I could write a book on this stuff but I'll be OT in pretty short order.

My FIL has long died but when it comes to Fathers Day I celebrate it only with my DH and our sons and she is not included. She would like to be but she isn't. We live 15 minutes away from her.

The problem with merging families is expectations. Expectations from the in-laws, up and down. Could be the DIL's are emulating their own family celebrations or even against them for whatever reason. But I would definitely talk to yours sons and make sure they stop by sometime on the weekend.

I seldom control the relationship between my DH and his mother unless it involves my children and their father.

There's SOMETHING missing in this equation. You never said, but what ARE the plans? Your sons bear more responsibility to HIS OWN Mom and Dad on those days than the daughters-in-law do. I blame him, but there's a reason.

Are you opposed to leaving things to your grandchildren instead of feral cats? Why do you refer to the grandkids coming to visit as "they are always willing to leave the kids with us." Do you make an effort to do things with the grandkids or go places with them? There is much, much more to this story. I don't mean to be unkind. I'm hoping some inner reflection will help you and yours. Best wishes.

listen it's just a day...maybe plan something with your kids to make it boy's day out (lunch, golf, ect) and only for a short time...so the dils can't complain...

or buy a card and get them all to sign it...dh doesn't have to know they're less than the kids he raised (lol)

My family isn't big into mother's and father's day. We basically just make a call or send a text or email. We live too far away to visit.

From my perspective, you're expecting a lot. There are 365 days in a year. What happens on the other 364 is probably more important in the long run. Your son is a father now too. It's not wrong for him to do something on that day rather than visit you. It doesn't sound like he completely ignores you or keeps you from spending time with the grandchildren. You've raised him to be a loving husband and father. Sometimes that takes priority.

My mil and sil always used to demand we get together for every holiday. It was their way or no way. They like to bad mouth me. In their eyes, I can't do anything right. The work to get the family ready to travel was always my job. I had extra work finding someone to watch the cat and the house and then I had a pile of dirty laundry and grocery shopping to do the day I got back. Getting together with them sucked the life out of me and I dreaded the holidays. Finally, what made it better for me was just to quit being so accommodating. I have things I want in my life also. My mil has never been interested in my three kids who are her only grandchildren. I quit ruining my holidays to include her. She's welcome to travel here if she likes. That would involve her leaving her cats in the care of someone else. The cats are more important to her. She has her priorities and I have mine. I've chosen to be happy.

Where did Mothers/Fathers day come from?? Hallmark?

It really is just another day, nice if the kids can come over OK if they do not. We have no real tradition on these days.

Blending families is not always easy and hard to figure where you fit in the mix. If it is important to you and your DH, plan something for the day before or the weekend before.

I do not want any hard feelings with my kids SO's, I am easy peasey~~when all three of our kids got partners, we started doing Christmas the weekend before so they can do what ever they want on the Eve and the Day of the holiday. We go away now for a week long trip up the coast over Thanksgiving. It works perfect no fuss, no muss. We take each kid and their SO' out for our kids b-days~~~I send a nice card with a gift card in it to the SO's for their bdays.

So far this works great and everyone is happy :) Life is too short to be having so many hard feelings over just days~~~

This post was edited by YogaLady1948 on Mon, Jun 2, 14 at 10:22

Your husband is a father more than just one day each year. How he treats his children, and how his children treat him, for the majority of each year is what counts -- not what happens on the third Sunday of June each year.

My mother died in July 1970 and my father in September 1970.

My husband's mother died in September 1969, and his father in November 1980.

We've been together since May 1981. We've never had children (and he never fathered children in any other relationship, and I never had children in any other relationship).

What we would both give to have just one more day -- any day -- with our parents.

Please don't dwell on what you perceive to be the negativity of this year's Mother's Day and Father's Day. Be thankful for what you, and your children, have.

Maybe your husband doesn't really care and you are the one stoking the fires of resentment. I feel as if I am reading passive aggressiveness into your "woe is me/us" statements. Examples: "they are always happy to leave the children with us", "my DILs never liked me", "we are out of the loop on so many things with our boys".

I agree with Laura here. Perhaps you are doing more to sabotage the relationship with these "girls" (who are women, you know) than you admit. I am not trying to be hurtful, but asking you to reflect on your relationships with the DILs and perhaps you can see some areas that need addressing?

And I also agree, Mother's and Father's days are made up holidays by a card company. Being a parent is a 365 day a year committment.

I agree that in this society we are almost feel forced to celebrate various holidays. If you don't have plans you do feel out of the loop. Another one is, "How was your weekend?" As if every weekend is supposed to be special.

How ever we can try to down play the situation, the truth is is does bother you and your husband. So, where do you go from here?

I like many of the suggestions. Start new traditions. Explain that since everyone is busy and you understand your sons are fathers too, you want to in invite everyone for dinner at your house the weekend before. Then, on Father's Day plan something nice for just the two of you.

I have a friend who goes on vacation in Nivember to get away during Thanksgiving. She wasn't included in her sisters plans (personality clashes due to my friend's DH) so she avoids being home.

To get what you want, someone has to compromise. In a perfect world it would be great if your DIL's change their attitude but at the same time you need to look at what you are doing and possibly change what you are doing.

We can't choose our family. My DH has just one sister left. Small family and he is not in touch with cousins. I admit that I don't like his sister and I know she doesn't like me. But, I am civil and friendly when we get together. When I call her on the phone I have to take a deep breath and tell myself not to react to her comments. Same when we are together. She likes to talk so I just sit back and let her gab away.

When my daughters were growing up, I invited to all the special activities. When this started to taper down I stopped including her. I realized I enjoyed these activities better without her!

I agree with Blfenton. You have to do what works for you. My DH goes down to the city for his business and stops in to see her. Works for me. I won't initiate any more but if something comes up, I participate. The hard part is keeping my feelings in check with my DH. After all, it is his sister.

I totally agree with all ellendi has said. 100%. BIG hugs from here.

___________________________
I've been in what could be the DIL's position if it helps? It was a huge problem to see my family on any holidays. It was hard and miserable!, if we didn't go to his family's get-togethers. They ran our lives. And he let them. I did my best to share, but they would have none of that. Never saw it from my point of view. Worse, we lived in their town and saw them all year long. My family didn't live there. Sucked! I'm glad I get to be with my family now. Son is there sometimes and sometimes, he's not. Thanks to them.

I feel bad for dads too. We try to not let holidays such as mothers day and fathers day upset us. If the family won't come or can't come we try to understand. Just make it another day that will be special to your husband. We have a daughter in law who still worships her father who is deceased and shot her mom in the arm. He said it was an accident but I don't believe that, the man was a drunk. But his family worshiped the man. I think they were afraid of him. He never spoke to us when we were at our sons house. Strange man. I have heard stories about him that would curl your hair. So my husband just told me to plan whatever it didn't matter to him and he would make the best of the day. So when my kids were small I always made sure that both grandfathers would enjoy their special day with the grandsons. Hubby too with his kids. He is a loving caring man to his kids and all the grandkids. Plus any little ones who are around him. Just let the dad and mom's know that they are special every day.
Mary

I am sorry that your feelings are hurt, and you both feel left out of plans for Mothers/Fathers day.

Maybe let your son know that you would like to see THEM at some point over that week-end, maybe lunch even.

I find it exhausting. DH's family (just MIL now. FIL passed away and his one cousin and aunt have excommunicated us LOL) does not like "mixed" events so we have to have everything separate. By the time we do something with her and something with mine, we ourselves kind of get lost and have no time to enjoy anything

Dances.

Gosh, each of your three sons married the Baby of her family? And those Babes are now running your sons' lives 24/7?

I think that wives run most families' social lives, but where did all of your boys learn to be entirely passive? Why are your kids and their spouses ignoring you?

Marriage vows tell us to leave our parents and 'cleave only' to our spouses. I think that commandment was meant to free new spouses who were too-enmeshed at home.

We are also instructed to honor our mother and father all the days of our lives. We need some *balance* here!

Special Days are not 'just Hallmark'. Hallmark helps tongue-tied people express appropriate feelings on widely recognized Special Days -- including Mother's Day and Father's Day.

The concept of *Family* requires some applications of cement through the years. Special Days remind us and provide opportunities for some tuck-pointing.

A father can *also* take some initiative to set up one-on-one time with each of his adult children throughout the year. (More 'cement'.)

There certainly is a lot of wisdom here. I hope Sudie can put something together to honor the dads in the family and also keep the peace.

I agree with an earlier poster--all this stress because Hallmark and other retailers promote the two holidays to a ridiculous degree. I believe the way we treat each other on a daily basis is more important than on those two days, and I encourage my kids just give me a call on Mother's Day. DH is happy with a phone call, but he appreciates a card too.

I'm in the same camp as adellabedella , we don't make a big deal of birthdays or the other "honoring" days. I never wanted my children to feel obligated to have to come visit us on any day as I did for my parents. I wanted them to be free to live their own lives and be totally independent. It works for my husband and me, neither of us care about such days. We see our children often, my grands are my best fans. They call and drop in often as they're older. We have a ball together as we do with all our kids. We're lucky I know.
It sounds to me like this is the first time this has happened, if so, maybe taking the attitude that they must have something special and just go out with your husband for dinner and laugh it off. I don't think your son called to upset you but to let you know that (as an adult) he is going to do something else. There's nothing wrong with that.
Your husband will be fine, he's a big boy, all you need to do is put on a smile and make the day pleasant. I cheer for my kids and their spouses, it works for a happy family.

My husband and I never got to have own traditions during the holidays and 34 years later I am still somewhat resentful. Between going to visit his parents and my parents (who ran the show), we had zero time for just us and our kids. To say I hated the holidays was an understatement. Every holiday was about what mom and MIL wanted. Because they did not get along I could not have something at my home to incorporate everyone.

When my boys got married I made sure to let them have their traditions. If DH and I were not a part of it, we were ok with it. If for some reason we can't celebrate that particular day, we will do it the day before or after. No big deal. Maybe it's because I don't place demands or have expectations with my kids, that we all get along so well. My DILs are like my daughters and I treasure them.

Honestly, the person who "created" Mother's Day, fought the commercialization to the end of her life. It's not even what she envisioned. But I do get where chi's coming from. Some people need a prod.

Here is a link that might be useful: story of how Julia Ward Howe felt about commercialization

I'm a little late on this ........

My thought on it is I'd call them and say...."since you all will be busy on Father's Day..We have decided to have Fathers day for (your sons dad) on Saturday at whatever time you choose.

I think I'd keep it as a surprise for your husband just in case they don't show.

I think feral cats would be an excellent idea.

Relationships within any family are complicated enough, but adding significant others and their families/traditions/expectations/obligations to the mix can make things impossible to deal with. Relationships with one's adult children can also be a minefield.

Having said all that, I think many of you are taking too passive an approach. Don't rationalize the situation by thinking "well, it was only created by a card company". If it's being celebrated with one side, the next year or another day it should be celebrated with the other.

It's not unreasonable for you to have preferences or expectations and to let your children know about them. It's also very reasonable to expect that you'll reschedule or compromise your plans, or alternate years with other sides of the family for holiday celebrations.

To go away every year to avoid a conflict? Nope, not me.

It would not be acceptable to me to have my daughter-in-law call me and simply tell me to take a hike, unless the communication were that "this is your off year, we'll be with you next year".

I don't often agree with snidely, mainly because I am too passive, but in this case I do agree with her.

Too bad you weren't in my head 30 years ago and I would have told my MIL to take a hike then - which I finally told her to do so 5 years ago. Life has been just fine ever since, I seldom see her.

We are going through some of this with DS and DIL who married last year. DIL, seemingly overnight, decided she did not like us before they became engaged. There were some tribulations over the wedding plans and I felt she was rude and disrespectful on more than one occasion. My son would always come over alone, unless it was a holiday or special occasion.

Then there is the issue of holidays.....they revolve around her parents and their schedule. I did expect this but not quite to such an extent. The year before last we were told that they could only stop by for about an hour or two xmas eve day in the afternoon for appetizers. Well, I had not planned on doing afternoon appetizers but I did anyway.....and then everyone was too full for dinner. I was not happy having spent the day preparing food. (They spent xmas eve and all of xmas day with her folks).

So, this year I took a different tack. I say...this is what we are doing and when and we'd love it if you can join us. If it fits into their schedule, great. If it doesn't, that's ok too. I've just let it go. All last year, when we would see DIL I was cordial but kept my distance after having tried on several occasions to forge a better relationship with her and getting nowhere. Well, she is slowly becoming more pleasant with us. Don't know where her new attitude came from! She just had a surprise bday party for DS and I helped with alot of the stuff and she thanked me profusely...so I am hoping we are turning a corner....but not holding my breath.

But, to answer OP, let it go. You may feel disappointed from time to time but it's not going to make for a happy family by making them feel guilty when they don't want to or can't participate. As others have suggested, ask them to get together another day or weekend....it's still several weeks away. Maybe they just want to start some of their own traditions. You need to be cordial and polite to D's IL.....but you don't need to be close.

We decided early in our marriage that we would not let the in-laws to have it their way on either side. And once we had kids it was vital that we as a little family start our own traditions. Luckily we lived far away from our parents, and Tony would have had to take leave helped us out. It as hard not seeing my parents on holidays, but we told both of them if they wanted to see us on holidays to come on. One year my parents did come and it was great. His parents came a couple of years when the kids were small but a fight always ensued. Now the Christmas' that Tony was at sea my parents gave me the money to come home and I did take the kids to see them for Christmas.

The last Christmas my dad was alive Tony was at sea and again my parents sent money for us to come home. We were only 8 hours away. So I packed up Santa and the kids and drove the 8 hours home. Dad was okay and feeling fine. No one knew that 3 weeks after Christmas he was going to die in his sleep. In retrospect God was giving me the chance to be with my dad right before he passed away and it made losing him easier.

So like the others have said have something this weekend or the weekend after Father's Day. And make sure you ask the DILs To help and make it a surprise for you DH. Be your most charming self when you ask them to help you surprise your DH. State how important it is to your DH. As we say in the South, you might have to do little a$$ licking to get your way, but if you really want to do this for your DH pucker up and get busy...

Thanks blfenton. Just for reference, I'm a "him" not a "her".

I've used this phrase before, but my view is that life is too short to spend time with or to try to accommodate anyone whose conduct sucks energy and joy from other people. Family or not. I don't keep score, I'm always happy to meet people halfway and then some, but I also don't kid myself about those who consistently contribute negative energy to situations.

Good luck to all.

We have experienced the moving away from traditional holidays because our Grandchildren have gotten older and have begun having their own lives and their parents have taken the opportunity to have lives of their own now that they are not tied down...the first shocker was that we wouldn't be doing the traditional Christmas holiday...after thinking about it, it became a non issue because we have always taken a "butt out" attitude when it came to their lives and really decided that indeed it is time for them to have their own time....

Maybe its because I was an air force wife and not home for most holidays that I can accept not getting together for every holiday. On occasions like Mothers Day and Fathers day, a call is fine or an email even...

We want our kids to have lives of their own and we don't want them to feel like they have to be at our beck and call....and we are not at theirs either...

You don't have to have a party or even a cake. ZERO acknowledgement -- phone call, card, flowers, candy, *something* ON THE DAY -- is a deliberate snub. There's no other interpretation. WHY your own kids would want to hurt you is worth pursuing.

Sorry if your children find you inconvenient baggage.

Please don't give to feral cats. Give to some NICE kids you know, and do it now.

Although I understand children having lives of their own, it is sad to me to think that I won't be celebrating holidays with my daughters in the future.

For those who are okay this, that's fine. But if you are not, surely there can be a compromise. I would hope that if my daughters know something is meaningful to me, they can try to accommodate.

Joanie, I'm glad to hear that your DIL is coming around.