successful step families

16 years ago

I have been lurking here for awhile but have never posted cause I have always felt there was way too much hostility here towards step parents. But it looks like things may be changing here so here goes my story.

I am currently engaged to a man who has a wonderful little boy. His son lives with his BM and there have been some rough patches between BM and my fiancbut things are pretty calm right now. We get him one night a week and every other weekend.

It's somewhat hard though for me to relate to some of the stories in here and I come from a pretty unique set of circumstances myself. My parents divorced when I was 8. My mother remarried several years later to my step father. My step father raised me as one of his own and has never treated me or my younger brother differently then my two older step brothers. My bio dad was an alcoholic and not really emotionally and financially involved in our lives. I know Bio Dad loved us, but he was just incapable of taking care of himself, much less two children.

When I was 16 my mother died of breast cancer and it was devastating. My step brothers were older and had already been on their own so it was just my step dad, myself and brother for awhile. When I was 19 my step father remarried. I was devastated again. It was too soon for me and I was pretty clear that I was not happy about the new marriage. My father would never stand for bad behavior from his children so I don't want to say that I was a disrespectful, I was just an emotional wreck and made what should have been a happy time in my father's life very difficult. If you watch their wedding video you can clearly hear me sobbing hard in the video...yikes! To say the day was a damper for them is an understatement.

I look back on that time in my life and I am incredibly embarrassed of my behavior. My step mother has been a wonderful addition to my life. She has always been there for me to talk about anything, even about my wonderful mother and how much I miss her. We certainly don't have a mother/daughter relationship since I was technically an adult when she came into my life, but whatever it is, still feels pretty darn good. There is a small part of me that knows my bio mother would be happy to know that her children were very well taken care of by the new wife.

I'm 30 now. My parents (step dad and step mom) moved to the east coast a year ago and recently came back to visit me on the west coast. For many years I have been very regretful of my behavior at their wedding. This was step mother's first wedding and looking back I am thankful that she has never shown any resentments towards me for ruining her special day. Step mom and I happened to be alone for a few minutes when they were out here. I apologized to her for my breakdown - 12 years later. We cried and laughed about the whole thing and even today have a much better understanding and respect for each other.

I have told my dad many times that he is one of the luckiest men alive, he was able to fall in love and marry the two greatest women ever.

I also have a pretty good relationship with step dad's first wife, my step brother's bio mom. She and I have had lunch together a few times over the years and I will usually see her around the holidays or family functions.

You know, I have come to realize that I am pretty lucky, And I feel like I have learned some great tools for my future as a step parent. I owe that to my step parents. My goal now is to raise a step son who is accepting that families come in all shapes and sizes - and that you can never have too many people to love and be loved by.

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Comments (7)

southernsummer
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Wow.

That's awesome.
sweeby
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
What a lovely story Starr -- You brought tears to my eyes.

You have been very lucky. But please also appreciate your own role in creating your good fortune. By opening your heart to your stepfather, and then later, to your stepmother, you allowed them to love you and nurture you in return, and you grew and blossemed in their love and support.

And now, as you embark on becoming a stepmom yourself, you have those wonderful role models to reflect on and strive toward.

I'm betting your experience will be very rewarding --
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Karen I can see what you are saying as you don't know me. I did accept their marriage did not rock the boat. Or protest their marriage. As I said I tried to ignore the mistreatment especially at the beginning. She was a person that was selfish and very controlling. A person that was always trying to find fault. She even made comments about my Mother's family which there was no reason for that in fact they all lived far away and did not bother them. Actually I never did wish any harm on their marriage. But I think everyone involved need to be treated fairly unless the step daughter is trying being evil and stir the pot but that was not me. But I desereved a relationship with my Father she did not want me to have that. Actually I had thought of walking away thinking he'd be happier but I decided that I had a right to have a relationship with him. As they had a right to be married. She was a very jealous person. At some point I had to stick up for myself. Right before he died he did tell he was sorry for everything. I am no way implying that I am a perfect person. I tried to do right but with her nothing was ever good enough. This went on for years. I know I should just forget it and I am better than I was. Her own son said if anything happened to his wife that he would not remarry because she would not want his Grandkids. Now what he says and what he would do I don't know. I still believe that step families don't usually work but I did not believe that when they first married was very accepting. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and must make their own choices
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organic_maureen
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Starr,

You are an enlightened person who understands the bigger picture. Your SM is also a jewel. A couple of things you said really melted my heart.

There is a small part of me that knows my bio mother would be happy to know that her children were very well taken care of by the new wife.

I have told my dad many times that he is one of the luckiest men alive, he was able to fall in love and marry the two greatest women ever.

You opened your heart and so has your SM. Congrats to you both for bridging the gap and showing mutual respect and understanding toward each other....
notwicked
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Hi Starr -
Thank you for posting your beautiful stepfamily story. May we all get the opportunity to blend our lives like your family has done - you are truly blessed!
Hugs!
starr
Original Author
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Thanks everyone for the kind words. I also feel incredibly blessed to have found my fiancé who also comes from a pretty successful step family. His parent got divorced when he was about 6 and his sister was three. His dad remarried a few years later and had another son and daughter with my fiancés step mom. Dad had custody so step mom was raising all four kids. My fiancé said that things were not always pretty growing up between his 3 parents. It wasnt until he got into high school and got involved with sports that things changed amongst the adults. I guess they all figured that they were going to have to get along to make this work.

That was 20 years ago. About five years ago his dad and step mom divorced. But they are still a pretty successful step family. In two weeks we are going on a vacation to the Outer Banks and renting a 7 bedroom house with bio mom, step mom, bio dad, and his three siblings.

I guess I am just trying to say that it's the parents behavior that is the most critical to making a step family work.
mom2emall
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
It is nice to hear of happy stepfamilies. I grew up with a wonderful stepfather who acted no differently towards me than my 1/2 siblings (who were his bio kids). His family all treated me as their own as well. I was always very close to my own father as well, so I called them both dad. My stepdad helped raise me for 14 years!

My mom eventually divorced my stepdad, on bad terms (she left him for her boss). That was almost 14 years ago and I am still very close to my stepdad and his family, including his new wife and their daughter. Their daughter even refers to me as her big sister! When I got married my stepdads entire family came to my wedding, along with my dads whole family, and my moms whole family.

I also was lucky enough to have an amazing stepmom, who unfortunately passed away. But she also treated me as her own.

I can not imagine how life would have been if I had not had those wonderful stepparents who always made me feel loved and welcome. When I hear people on here say that their child does not need a bond with the stepparent it makes me very sad. I would have missed out on a lot without that wonderful bond that I had!
vistajpdf
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Wow, I think I need to print this up for future references whenever I'm feeling put out...

You know, your SM didn't ever hold the sobbing at their wedding against you. That's great. But, I'll bet she was a little hurt or puzzled by it - maybe just had too much class to dwell upon it. Regardless, I think your apology to her, even so many years later, really made her day. At the end of the day, I think all SMs just want a little validation. The fact that you stepped up instead of letting the sleeping dogs lie speaks volumes about your character. I'd say your mom, stepdad, and stepmom did something right in having you be the lady you are today. I have no doubt that you will sail through as an incredible SM yourself!

Your story also reminds me of my beloved maternal g-father that I lost 2 yrs ago at 93. He lost his wife at 54. She was amazing and beautiful, though I was just a young child when she died. A couple of years later, he met an amazing woman who was like my g-mother in every sense of the word up til her death, just before my wedding (where she was to act as the g-mother). Only since his death did I realize they were an item, lol, when my dad told me that he and my mom had at one time pushed them to marry. My mother said, "I made up my mind when I had to meet her that I wasn't going to like her. How could I? My mom hadn't been gone all that long and I wasn't going to like any woman in Dad's life. But, I couldn't help but LOVE her immediately..." I often forget that this woman was like a SM to my mom. I think I'm the first SM in the family, but really that amazing woman was. Thanks for letting me recall a few fond memories...

All the best on your journey,
Dana

successful step families

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southernsummer

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successful step families

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southernsummer

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