sorry step families just don.t work

8 years ago

last modified: 8 years ago

My Mother died when I was twenty eight and I was single never married. Dad married within two years. He was wonderful when Mom was alive. The step mother was nice at first but changed things sublety. I tried to ignore a lot of the mistreatment. At that time I did not say anything negative to anyone about my step mother. Dad did everything she said. He bragged on her sons but nothing good about me. I got married at age thirty seven. Other people noticed that too without any comment from me. At times she had him being very hateful and abusive to me until I had a private talk with Dad. She had told me to not come back until I changed my ways. I informed him that I was told she talked negatively about me to my Mothers family. My stepmother was very controlling and tried to control my personal life as well. I told him my heart and told him some things were not her business. My Mother's family waited years to tell me that she was talking about me behind my back. That hurt me very deeply. I told him that I had told everyone what she did and how she was. Because that was the last straw and something in me broke. Yes I could have chose to never go back to see him but if I had it would just be doing what she wanted. He was her husband but he was my Father. No matter how nice I was she considered me competion. She wanted him all to herself. The gossiping about me did stop but ofcourse she still was a person who put me down every chance she got. The stuff she said was so ridileous that I came up with answers that she could not compete with as I stuck up for myself. I got used to that part as long as Dad was nice. But he still catered to her family. He passed away first. I did not bother to see her again as she didn't want me when Dad was alive so I did not have to visit her. Her son invited me to him and his wife's fiftyth anniversary party and I went. I had always treated her kids nice and they treated me nice. Then the step mother passed away I went to the funeral. I did get Dad's personal belonging and I inherited his seven foot Grandfather clock. I was supposed to get his ruby ring but it convenitly got lost. Which I know they have it they gave me his ring that they were supposed to get switch me out. I did not receive any money or never saw the will they did not turn one in. They were Dad's power of attorney which I should have been. Then when one of the brothers passed they did not call and tell me. I found out of the internet. They found out that I knew it because I ran into other family members. Then they sent an very old photogaph of Dad when he was young which I should have received earilier. They just went through her house and probably decided what I could have or not have. So I did not respond or thank them. They wanted me gone now they've got it. I don't want anything to do them them as it is a reminder of how I was done hurt by all of them. I was his only child. The step Mother wanted nothing but evil will toward me. But I survived but have hurt for a long time. I think I'm better but am scarred. Remarriages generally just don't work out. Everything can look real good but someone is always the step child and gets hurt.

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gardengal48 (PNW Z8/9)

8 years ago

Well, I will disagree ;-) I think the success of ANY family relationship depends on the personalities of those involved. One is just as likely to have a dysfunctional but fully biological family unit as they are to have one with a blended or step family situation.

I was a stepmom, marrying a man with kids from previous relationships. I had a great relationship with my step kids and pretty much raised the youngest from 6 months old on. They are all full grown adults now and while their dad and I are no longer married (for reasons not having anything to do with them!!), I am still very close to them all, especially the youngest, who considers me more of a mom than her biological mom.

In fact, outside of a situation like this, I never refer to them as steps, but just 'my kids'!!

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Comments (6)

Suzieque
8 years ago
Hi, xchxvb - just fyi, "wall o' words" is very hard to read. That may be why you've not received responses. Paragraphs work better.

But I've read through you post a few times and feel for you. I don't disagree about the remarriages and stepfamilies and level of success. All I can do at this point is acknowledge what you've written and wish for peace for you.
xcfhvb thanked Suzieque
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Karen Peltier
8 years ago
last modified: 8 years ago
This is an interesting line, "Remarriages generally just don't work out." It sounds to me like from your SM's and dad's perspective, their marriage might have worked out just fine. And, I'm not saying this is necessarily your situation, because just like there are bad cousins, aunts and uncles and moms out there, there are bad SMs too. But, maybe that was part of the problem or issue. You didn't see or didn't want to see their marriage as THEIR marriage, or maybe you didn't see their marriage as a marriage at all. You saw their union only as how it affected you, and mostly as to how it affected you negatively.

Could it be that in focusing too much on what you personally felt you lost that you never saw your dad's happiness with his wife and never saw their marriage as a marriage and as a union that you had to accept and respect, if anything for your father's sake? Just throwing that out there. . . Marriages are between couples, dad and SM in this case. Not saying in the least that SKs or adult SKs don't matter; just saying that taking care of a marriage and taking care of children, adult children are different. So, to say "Remarriages generally just don't work out," because one of the kids is unhappy is making an association that isn't really meant to be there.
xcfhvb
Original Author
8 years ago
Karen I can see what you are saying as you don't know me. I did accept their marriage did not rock the boat. Or protest their marriage. As I said I tried to ignore the mistreatment especially at the beginning. She was a person that was selfish and very controlling. A person that was always trying to find fault. She even made comments about my Mother's family which there was no reason for that in fact they all lived far away and did not bother them. Actually I never did wish any harm on their marriage. But I think everyone involved need to be treated fairly unless the step daughter is trying being evil and stir the pot but that was not me. But I desereved a relationship with my Father she did not want me to have that. Actually I had thought of walking away thinking he'd be happier but I decided that I had a right to have a relationship with him. As they had a right to be married. She was a very jealous person. At some point I had to stick up for myself. Right before he died he did tell he was sorry for everything. I am no way implying that I am a perfect person. I tried to do right but with her nothing was ever good enough. This went on for years. I know I should just forget it and I am better than I was. Her own son said if anything happened to his wife that he would not remarry because she would not want his Grandkids. Now what he says and what he would do I don't know. I still believe that step families don't usually work but I did not believe that when they first married was very accepting. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and must make their own choices
colleenoz
8 years ago
Xcfhvb, I’m sorry your experience as a stepchild was so poor, but truly you cannot extrapolate your own experience to every other stepfamily experience. Some will be bad, some will be good, some will be just OK. The people involved are the ones who will determine how the relationship goes.
xcfhvb thanked colleenoz
Sara Tilmont
8 years ago
I think being in a blended family is certainly challenging. How they work out depends on the participants and a whole myriad of other variables. How everyone was raised, their personalities, their priorities, their flexibility, their nature... and so on. Also, what motivates everyone in the scenario? Peace? Marriage? Family? Intimacy?

I've known of stepfamilies who work and unbelievably well. A relative of mine is a widow. She goes on vacation every year with her stepchildren and their mother. It can happen. But I think it takes people who continue to grow intellectually and emotionally, rather than remaining close-minded and stunted on the maturity scale. It can be particularly challenging for people who have been raised in dysfunctional families to consider how others think/behave and to challenge their own ways of thinking.
xcfhvb thanked Sara Tilmont

sorry step families just don.t work

gardengal48 (PNW Z8/9)

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sorry step families just don.t work

gardengal48 (PNW Z8/9)

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Suzieque

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Karen Peltier

xcfhvbOriginal Author

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