Hi, xchxvb - just fyi, "wall o' words" is very hard to read. That may be why you've not received responses. Paragraphs work better.

But I've read through you post a few times and feel for you. I don't disagree about the remarriages and stepfamilies and level of success. All I can do at this point is acknowledge what you've written and wish for peace for you.

This is an interesting line, "Remarriages generally just don't work out." It sounds to me like from your SM's and dad's perspective, their marriage might have worked out just fine. And, I'm not saying this is necessarily your situation, because just like there are bad cousins, aunts and uncles and moms out there, there are bad SMs too. But, maybe that was part of the problem or issue. You didn't see or didn't want to see their marriage as THEIR marriage, or maybe you didn't see their marriage as a marriage at all. You saw their union only as how it affected you, and mostly as to how it affected you negatively.

Could it be that in focusing too much on what you personally felt you lost that you never saw your dad's happiness with his wife and never saw their marriage as a marriage and as a union that you had to accept and respect, if anything for your father's sake? Just throwing that out there. . . Marriages are between couples, dad and SM in this case. Not saying in the least that SKs or adult SKs don't matter; just saying that taking care of a marriage and taking care of children, adult children are different. So, to say "Remarriages generally just don't work out," because one of the kids is unhappy is making an association that isn't really meant to be there.

Karen I can see what you are saying as you don't know me. I did accept their marriage did not rock the boat. Or protest their marriage. As I said I tried to ignore the mistreatment especially at the beginning. She was a person that was selfish and very controlling. A person that was always trying to find fault. She even made comments about my Mother's family which there was no reason for that in fact they all lived far away and did not bother them. Actually I never did wish any harm on their marriage. But I think everyone involved need to be treated fairly unless the step daughter is trying being evil and stir the pot but that was not me. But I desereved a relationship with my Father she did not want me to have that. Actually I had thought of walking away thinking he'd be happier but I decided that I had a right to have a relationship with him. As they had a right to be married. She was a very jealous person. At some point I had to stick up for myself. Right before he died he did tell he was sorry for everything. I am no way implying that I am a perfect person. I tried to do right but with her nothing was ever good enough. This went on for years. I know I should just forget it and I am better than I was. Her own son said if anything happened to his wife that he would not remarry because she would not want his Grandkids. Now what he says and what he would do I don't know. I still believe that step families don't usually work but I did not believe that when they first married was very accepting. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and must make their own choices

Xcfhvb, I’m sorry your experience as a stepchild was so poor, but truly you cannot extrapolate your own experience to every other stepfamily experience. Some will be bad, some will be good, some will be just OK. The people involved are the ones who will determine how the relationship goes.

I think being in a blended family is certainly challenging. How they work out depends on the participants and a whole myriad of other variables. How everyone was raised, their personalities, their priorities, their flexibility, their nature... and so on. Also, what motivates everyone in the scenario? Peace? Marriage? Family? Intimacy?

I've known of stepfamilies who work and unbelievably well. A relative of mine is a widow. She goes on vacation every year with her stepchildren and their mother. It can happen. But I think it takes people who continue to grow intellectually and emotionally, rather than remaining close-minded and stunted on the maturity scale. It can be particularly challenging for people who have been raised in dysfunctional families to consider how others think/behave and to challenge their own ways of thinking.