First of all I am very sorry for the loss of your son, that must have been very hard to deal with.

This is just a guess, but maybe she is dating someone and doesn't want you to know because she thinks it may hurt you? Not everyone is open about their feelings and able to easily talk about them (I know I am one of them), so perhaps by avoiding you it's easier on her.

Dottie, my heart goes out to you. I agree with casey: my first thought was that she might be seeing someone.

My son passed away 3 years ago on May 5. He and Amy had been married for 18 years. Last year, Amy fell in love with a man who has been a family friend for many years. It was very hard for her to tell me because she was worried how I would react. I assured her that she has a right to be happy, and that I am happy for her. Since then, she has brought him to visit me on several occasions, and we keep in touch by phone. I call him my "sorta-son-in-law" LOL.

When my mother passed away, Amy was not going to bring Joe to the memorial service "because of what the family would think". I talked her into bringing him, and he was welcomed with open arms by all.

My suggestion would be to call or write her, and tell her you miss having her in your life. Let her know that you realize the chapter of her life with Brian in it has passed, and you hope she will find someone who can make her happy. Finding love after losing a beloved spouse in no way diminishes the love that was shared. It's a testament to that love, that you would want to recapture the feeling. Good luck, and I hope you can reestablish your bond with Pam. Keep us posted. Hugs!

Hmmmm... that's odd. I hope she is ok. I'd call her mother to make sure she is ok and then just leave it at that. If she doesn't want contact for whatever reason; she doesn't want contact.

Maybe you could send her a Christmas card and/or try calling for only very special/important occasions. Could something have happened between her and your son? Or like casey mentioned, (I mean, she should be able to hide a boyfriend from you) but maybe even she's gotten married??? Her mother may be able to clue you in...just make the call to her mother more about how you are worried about her and want to make sure she's ok, not complaining that she hasn't called.

That is really sad and I'm sorry you have to deal with it. I have to agree with you that it would be better to know than to wonder and worry. I think Karen and Wanda may be right. Do you think it would help to write her a letter telling her how you feel and that you knew how happy your son was while they were married and then mention that you would understand if she was dating again and that you only wish her happiness.

I am so sorry for your loss. Yep,my first thought is she is seeing someone.

I can't add anything to what the others have said, except to say that you've been an exemplary mother-in-law. I'm sure her feelings for you are still very much intact.

I'm so sorry that your feelings of loss have returned, Dotmom. My first thought was also that she has found someone and does not know quite how to tell you. I don't think I would call her mom. If I were Pam and you did that I would very defensive, feeling as if you were telling on me.

I think I would send her a note, telling her how much you miss her in your life and giving her your blessing to move on, that may be all she needs to bring down the wall she has built. Or her new interest may also feel that you are a connection to her life with your son and be jealous. If that is the case I hope she runs away fast, but one never knows, she may feel disloyal to him by being in contact with you.

(((Dotmom))) and ((Wanda))

I agree with what Karen said - maybe she has met someone and wants to spare your feelings. I would send her a nice card telling her that I was thinking of her and whatever happens in her life I would still consider her to be part of my family.

Anne

I think the others are on to something about her meeting someone.Three years after becoming a widow i went out on a date (1st.time)we were sitting in a local restaurant finishing our meal and my mother-in-law walked in. She c ame over to us and introduced herself to my date. She hasnt spoken to me since and its been years. I'm telling this because you never know how people will react to things.

I too, think that she has probably found a new love life and is sparing your feelings. I think lynn d hit it on the nose saying you should give your blessings for her to move on. When you lose a spouse to death, it may seem to her that the family is hers forever, and she should not move on.
It would be unhealthy for her not to move on to a new chapter in her life.
She probably just doesn't know how to mix the old in with the new.

Dotmom, bless you for reaching out to her. I know you must be having a really hard time with all that is going on with the family right now. Never be afraid to ask you KT friends anything. We care about you.

Hugs,
Trin

I am thinking the same as above, she may just be moving on with her life and doesn't want to hurt you. I'd follow Lynn's advice and tell her your family misses her and doesn't want to lose her no matter what. See what happens then.

((Dottie)) Perhaps she has met someone else and she could also be dealing with issues of the anniversary of her loss of Brian. Maybe she is depressed so reach out to her as others have suggested. Life is so hard sometimes. Take care.
Laurie

DUH!!!!!!!! Someone, PLEASE, slap me on the side of the head. Can you believe that writing her, by hand, and sending it snail mail never entered my mind. In this day, it is email or phone. That's what I'll do today, I'll write her and again tell her how happy Brian was with her and assure her that she has a lot of life ahead of her and if she finds someone to be with, I'll be happy for her. I just hope we can stay in touch once in a while. Thank you, KT friends for your suggestions and kind words. Dottie

(((((Dotmom)))))!!!

I think what casey said is probably right, and she just doesn't want to hurt you or is afraid of what you might say or think. I am so sorry for your loss, I can't imagine. Blessings.

That must be so diffult. You are such a good mother in law. I do hope you hear from her soon.

Dottie, I really don't have anything to add to all of the good advice and words of wisdom that have already been posted. My heart goes out to you and I'm holding out great hope that a snail mail letter will "do the trick."

I did, however, want to make a comment on this comment in your original post -- "Pam said she would send pictures of his grave stone but hasn't." There is a web site called Find A Grave that you should check. Since I presume you know the name of the cemetery, you can first to go that cemetery's listings, and once there, you can look for his name. For all you know, someone may have already created a memorial page for Brian. If so, there could already be a photo of his headstone.

And, if there isn't a memorial page for Brian, you can create one. It's free to sign up (they don't sell your name and e-mail address to anyone), and it's free to create the memorial page. You can add a biography on Brian's life, photos, etc. And, since you are so far away, you can click on the button to "Request A Photo" of the headstone. All folks who are members who live in the area and who have volunteered to take photos will receive an e-mail notification of your request. Then, someone will go to the cemetery and take a photo of the headstone and upload it to Brian's page. You'll get an e-mail notification when your request has been fulfilled.

(((Dottie)))

Here is a link that might be useful: Find A Grave

Yhank you, so much Lindsey CA, I;m going to try what you suggested. I feel so bad that I can't visit where he is buried. That is part of the reason I'm stressed about losing Pam, besides, she is a terrific DIL Just let me say i do know in my heart, that he isn't there, in the ground. I have no doubt that he is in Heaven and I also think he visits his loved ones still here, earth-bound. Thanks again, Dottie

Dottie, I can't imagine the past year that you and your family has endured, and again hope that this year is brighter. But I CAN understand the frustration you're feeling. I too think she may well have begun a relationship and is either embarrassed to tell you or not sure how to. I see this type of thing so often and I just don't understand it! To completely cut off communication is a terrible thing to do to someone without at least saying a reason. If you're angry with a person, tell them. If you don't feel comfortable with them, tell them. If you don't trust them anymore or whatever the reason, at least don't leave them hanging. It's a very cruel thing to do.

It's natural for you to be concerned. If you're close to her mother, I think I WOULD call just to see if she's all right. If you're close to her mother she may share some info with you or at least give you a reason if there is one other than our suspicion. I can imagine your fear for her well-being.

I have a cousin out state who cut off all communication suddenly for a couple years or more. I never understood it and it bugged me. I knew there were some marital issues and with such an abrupt cut off altogether, I was to the point I had a PI friend do a little checking to see if she was alive. I had a real bad feeling that something bad happened. Finally she got a hold of me and apologized and explained that she and her husband had been having rough times both marital and financial (which so often goes together) and she was too ashamed to tell me about it. There's been other times too and like I said, why can't people just open up a bit and say something?

If you do contact either, I would suggest you not raise the grave issue. If there is a new person, there could be an issue with even going to the grave. Some people are strange. I imagine your first concern is her health and safety. I'm guessing she's just confused.

Good luck and hope you find out something soon. And here's to a much brighter year for all!

It may be that she does have a new male friend who is the jealous type and wouldn't appreciate her having contact with her former in-laws. It would be a shame, but it happens.

My sister-in-law remarried five years or so after my brother died. We had no idea she was going with anyone, but she came to see my mother the day before the wedding to tell her she was going to be married. She and my brother were married 24 years and now just last week she celebrated her 24th wedding anniversary with her current husband. He is always very courteous when any of our family comes to visit.

I think she probably just wants to move on - and maybe has. You are no longer her MIL, she is no longer your DIL.
If you do write her, let her know that you realize that the tie between you no longer exists, that you feel it was a good relationship, and you hope to remain an old friend.

First of all, I'm sorry to hear of your loss, my daughter Alissa died a little over 4 years ago so I understand the pain of losing a child.
That being said, while she could be interested in someone else, that wasn't my first thought. My first thought was that we all grieve differently and she could have been struggling with the anniversary. Actually the two anniversaries, their wedding and his death so close together could have been overwhelming for her. If she's feeling depressed or bad she might be afraid of making you feel worse by sharing that with you. As far as the grave stone goes, some people struggle even going to the cemetery. Maybe it's been difficult for her to go there to take that picture. I think sending the letter thanking her for making you son happy sounds wonderful but I guess I'd be careful about assuming she wants to move on to someone else yet. I'm sure there is a way to word it to let her know you would be OK with that without assuming she has. I lead bereavement groups and sometimes I've had widows/widowers almost offended at the idea that other people think they want to date already.
Just my opinion, you've gotten a bunch of other great thoughts too, hope it helps!

Yeah, I had already commented and although I wouldn't rule out another person, I wouldn't assume that as a fact for the reasoning behind her not talking to you. It could be numerous things. I think a letter would always be nice, but it sounds like you have already tried to be nice and really got nowhere. I'm not sure why sending it in letter form will matter or make it all that much different than an email or phone call did.

I seriously see no problem with talking to her mother. Obviously something is going on and her mother may be able to fill you in. If she just needs some space because it's anniversary time.. it may be best to give her that space rather than sending letters implying she's found someone else. Just don't assume the wrong thing as a fact and possibly make things worse or harder on her.

Why not call her mother? You're both moms, you both care about her. I see no harm no foul just checking with her mother to make sure she's "ok" or even calling under the guise to just say "hi".

Here is maybe another possibility.

Possibly in staying in touch with you and reminiscing about him and his life before and after he married, bothers her a lot, as in it makes her depressed. Sort of like a wound that just won't heal. A years time is not all that long, as you know, to recover from the loss of a loved one.

She may very well be so saddened by his loss that it hurts and upsets her to talk about him. For that reason, maybe she has chosen to break ties with you and your family, until she is maybe more able to handle talking about him, and not having to try and put a smile in her voice while talking to you and your son.

I am sorry for your loss...of both your son, and for the time being Pam.

Sue

Just an update on this situation. We still haven't reached Pam, she doesn't answer the phone, either the land line or cell, and she still doesn't answer emails. My son, Radio Dokktor, tried to call her mother and that phone has been disconnected. This week I'll write her a letter and send it snail mail. If she doesn't respond to that , I guess thats it, and I'll respect her (assumed) desire to be left alone. One good bit of news. Thanks to Lindsey Ca, I found the email to the cemetery where Brian is buried, and a nice person, there, went out and took a picture of his gravestone and sent it to me. So now we at least have a picture of his final resting place. Thanks, KY friends for your caring thoughts and advice, and thanks again to Lindsey CA for putting me in the right direction so we can. at least see his grave stone. Dottie

I feel so badly for you--what a difficult time you're going through. But I'm just wondering, if the mom's phone has been disconnected, perhaps something has happened to HER--and Pam's just been overwhelmed? I know, when my mom died last year, I thought I was handling things very well at the time, but months later, I realized there were huge gaps in my memory of the month following her death. This year, my aunt had a stroke, lost her ability to speak properly spent a stint in rehab, and eventually we had to find her an assisted living facility--that stretch of time was almost worse than the time after mom's death, because there was so much to do, that I simply couldn't keep up with less crucial stuff. I'm guessing Pam is totally tied up with something like that, and on top of being stressed and overwhelmed herself, she just doesn't want to dump any of her troubles on you, especially this month when you're surely thinking about your son. Note--I mentioned those things not to hijack your thread or ask for sympathy--I'm fine--but to illustrate the points I was making.

You've done all you can, so sometimes we just have to 'let go' and let the other person have the time to get their own lives sorted out. Usually they come back, but you never know. Good thoughts to you--hope it all works out in the end.

What a shame. I do hope you get in touch so that you can be at peace with the whole situation.