SS needs to get a lot of help, he sounds depressed...

especially if his mom has drinking problem, he is effected by it and it is not his fault. what dad should do is to start wiht school's counselor or social worker. make an appointment and go talk to them. let them talk to a kid, then discuss options. also make appointment wiht his pediatrician and discuss what behavior you witness. maybe his doctor can refer him to pediatric psychiatrist.

he says hurtful things because he is hurt.

don't wait, act now (not you per se but DH, but you know what i mean).

I don't know if you followed pseudo's SD's ordeal, but we insisted SD needs to see a psychiatrist ASAP because her behavior is just not normal. but parents kept delaying it and saying that SD is just manipulative. it all ended pretty ugly, with CPS involved and so on. If kids complain about being depressed, anxious etc and parents do nothing, then it is neglect.

DH should not let it escalate. DH has to act now (if mom is a drinker, she won't do anything to help SS)

Lovehadley: (First, I also responded on your fertility post)

I think that you and your DH need to meet with his counselor alone, and pay for a few sessions to get advice on how to parent this boy, because of what he is struggling with at home with his mom, and the people she allows in their life. From what you wrote, you have a little boy whose mom is sloshed in a bar, instead of home caring for her children. You wrote that she is allowing adults into their life, who have hurt him.

Yes, his words are very out of line at your home.
But before you punish, talk to his counselor and ask this person how to correct his behavior, while he is already struggling with depression and anger and problems at home with his mom. Should your response be different with such a child?

If he wasn't already struggling with big problems at home, and struggling with depression, fear, anger, etc., my words would be different. They would suggest nipping this in the bud, because they will get worse as he gets older, and your other children will begin to mimic the disrespectful words.

But this child is struggling, so unhappy, and so much anger for such a small child. For this reason alone, I would seek professional advice on how to correct the bad behavior, and not add to the problem. But somehow, you need to work with the counselor, and his mother to make sure everyone is on the same page. The older they get, the more difficult it is to turn some of this around. You goal should be to do all you can to get this boy to adulthood, as healthy emotionally, as possible.

I hate to put labels on anyone, but this is a very troubled little boy. I would seek help.

I know...I know. :( I recognize he needs help, more than his current counselor gives him. He saw her regularly over the summer and through the fall but the last couple months, he has not. He seemed to be doing better for awhile---August and September and even OCtober were good months for SS. He seemed so much happier and more positive than ever before...DH and I both commented about how much he had matured over the last year.

But starting in November, he started displaying more signs of anger and depression.

He is really a very anxious child. I have never met a child who worries as much as he does. I suppose it all goes with the territory of having an alcoholic parent.

I have tried to talk to DH about finding a new and better counselor or at LEAST being more consistent with his current one...and he always agrees "in theory" but then everything gets brushed aside.

I guess I need to sit down and just have a serious talk with him about how these issues have to be addressed.

Love, your SS sounds alot like mine. My SS9 is also very angry, extremely negative and as DH describes him, really disturbed. I too, am often frustrated with my DH's lack of control of the situation. Or how his reactions are so different than what I would do or say. I think it becomes even more difficult when there are other children in the house who think the difficult child is "getting away" with behaving badly.

I wish I had a tried and true solution to offer, but we're still working on it. It seems like the one step forward and two steps back dance right now. Hope there's comfort in company :)

Definitely, back into counseling for this little guy. He's got so much to deal with and needs to learn effective coping strategies to replace the ones he's using now.

One specific suggestion for the mean outbursts: Help him phrase his statements/requests/complaints in ways that are more positive and less hurtful. If he mutters "Move your fat butt!" respond "That didn't come out right. Please try it again using nice words and a nice voice." (Adjust to your child's age and understanding.) The key is to keep it short, NOT negative (he's already in a foul mood), but get him to express himself in ways that are socially acceptable. Help him find the words to say what he means, but in ways that are kind and polite. If he actually says the words (with proper inflection), it'll make a big, big difference. It's really hard to stay angry when your tone of voice has to be pleasant. The first few times, you may need to add explanations like "Your words and tone of voice were rude and hurtful. When you're asking someone to do something for you, you need to ask nicely" - but not for long. If SS sees you and Dad speaking kindly and respectfully to each other, he will know what's acceptable. He'll just need to be reminded that it applies to him also.

When he rephrases his request nicely, praise him. If it's only marginally acceptable or still rude, have him try it again. Seriously! It'll get boring and ridiculous fast, but so what? The idea is for the kid to learn that if he asks nicely, he gets what he wants. If he's rude, he doesn't, and he has to try again (over and over) until he does ask nicely. (My kids are rarely rude to me anymore because it's just such a pain in the behind for them if they are.)

This poor boy is watching his mother, whom he loves dearly, disintegrate before his very eyes. On top of that, his father is basically standing by and doing nothing to rescue him. This kid is drowning, fast, IMHO.

Don't stop pushing your DH to do something. I have a feeling that you all will regret not moving on this situation.

My ex MIL said something once that I have come to appreciate more and more as I get older. ( She said very few things that I appreciated! ) She said..." Every child needs one person that thinks that they are absolutely wonderful. " Could you be that person for your SS? I know his behavior doesn't warrant praise right now but I'm inclined to not hold him responsible for too much due to his circumstances.

I think I would start saying things like "I love you no matter what.....I think you are so good at so and so.....I'm here for you if you want to talk......let's spend some one on one time together, just you and me........How do you feel when so and so happens......You get the picture. He has had such crap pass before his eyes and ears....start by securing his trust in you and then be there for him. I feel so sorry for this boy. It breaks my heart!!!!!

It reaches a point where it doesn't matter that the bio parents aren't doing what needs to be done. Someone has to and I think that someone is you.