I'm in love with a woman that is engaged

17 years ago

I'm a young man. A little over a year ago i started a new job. On my first day i met this very beautiful young woman. Well i found out that she had a boyfriend and they had been dating on and off for 3 years. So i pretty much gave up. Well we got to know each other from talking at work all the time. Towards the end of Jan into Feb they had some problems. They was still together though. Well one day at work she got my phone number from another person. We started textng while we was at work and when she went home to this guy. Well they broke up. After about two weeks i asked her to come over and hang out with me and some friends. She did. Nothing happened we just hung out. But soon after. She went back to him cuz he promised to change. Well then over the next 3 months we would text and flirt constantly. In this time he asked her to marry him. She accepted. But she still flirted big time with me. Once again they had some troubles. Everyone at work could see there was something there and kept telling me to make a move. Well one day we was getting ready to go home. We started having one of our tickle fites we'd always get into. Well she won. She got me pinned on the ground crying. When she finally let me up. I grabbed her and took her behind a wall. Pinned her against the wall tickeled her and then i kissed her. Then the next nite she came and hung out with me again. At the end of the nite i walked her to her car. We got in and started to talk. We ended up kissing again and not as friends. The next day they broke up. After a week we started dating. We had so much fun together. We went out for a lil over a month. We both fell in love with each other. But her parents would poke and prod at her to go back to him. She couldn't take her parents doing that so she went back. For the next 3 months i would go see her at work everyday since we worked at different places now. She would still touch me the way she did, The way she looked at me she could tell me i love you with her eyes. We would still kiss every so often. She even said she loved me quite a few times. One day bout a month and a half ago they got in a fite and he said it was either me or him. She chose him. We went bout 3 weeks without sayin a word. Then one day i sent her a message and she replied. Now for the past month we've been talking daily and we'll see each other bout 2-3 times a week. IN this time she has kissed me and she has told me that she loves me but not as much as him. She tells me that about everyday she thinks she'd rather be with me than him. I had found out so much about her in the begining that i realized she is more than i had ever dreamed of. She is PERFECT!!! Shes the woman i wanna spend my life with. She tells me that she thinks that sometimes too. I just don't know what to do anymore. My life isn't the same without her. What can i do to get her back? Any advice?

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Comments (14)

bnicebkind
17 years ago
Actually she is not perfect in every way. There is a glaring red flag that you are choosing to pretend does not exist.

She has a glaring lack of integrity. And honor.

Imagine that you are engaged to the love of your life. And imagine that the two of you are planning your wedding, and your life together. Only to find out that your bride to be is playing all sorts of games with a guy she works with. And hanging out at his place when you thought she was somewhere else.

Not any guys idea of perfect.

On the other hand, if you sit and wait for awhile even after she's married, I imagine you will hear from her. You have helped to create this situation where she will always wonder if she made the right choice. When married life is less than she imagined it to be, I imagine she will call you.

And if you win her, and real life creeps in with houses to clean, food to buy and prepare, and dishes to wash, and laundry up to her knees...will you begin to wonder if she is playing games with some new guy at work? Because real life has a way of creeping in and surprising us with its responsibilities and stuff everyone has to do, that is not what any of us realized we were signing up for when those wedding bells rang.

The perfect woman (or man) is someone who behaves in a way that shows they are worthy of trust, and that they are people of integrity and honor, even during the hard times.

If she cheats, and is less than trustworthy in the good times ( and I would call being engaged to be married the good and fun times) what can you expect with such a person during the hard times, or simply boring days of life????????

Maybe she really has chosen the wrong guy to marry. Instead of fooling around with you, (while engaged to another man) she should have the integrity to end the engagement, and take some time to get really clear on what she is doing and why.
biwako_of_abi
17 years ago
I am absolutely in agreement with Bnicebkind. She has said it all--well, almost. She did not comment on your integrity and honor.
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Here's are some interesting questions for you to think about: What do you think gave him the idea that he could flirt with you like that and get away with it? What does that say about him and his perception of you? He's taking a very big risk with his behavior, so why would he jeopardize his job and fiance over someone he barely knows? You are new to this company and you know he's engaged. Why are you taking these kinds of risks? Negative first impressions are nearly impossible to change. You have now defined yourself as a flirt and potentially much more. I'm sure that most of the rumors have you more involved with your boss than you really are. That's how office gossip generally works. Your boss probably established his reputation as a player a long time ago. Try keeping things professional with him, and always steer the conversation back to work quickly. Have work related questions or items ready in your mind or on a notepad every day when you have to meet with him. Then get busy with work. Working hard and doing your job well is the best recourse right now if you are going to try and stay there. Avoid the coffee and other outside of the office get togethers that he suggests. Tell him you're busy or have other plans. He'll get the picture. If you think it's going to be weird for you, it will be worse if you continue this much longer. If you sleep with him, your problems will multiply and it will be difficult for you to effectively do your work there. Save your self respect first and then your job until you can find another one. Your boss isn't going to be paying your bills if he ends up firing you or if you both are terminated.
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Great for you, Always confused, you should change your name to "always wonderful", or "always a model for standing up for yourself". I agree with Emily, he has a nerve to say "i will always love you". See, he is manipulating you, trying to make you hang on with a thread to him, leaving you dangling, with that last statement. Its cruel. Throwing away a flippant "I love you" says a lot about his character. Makes you wonder if he says that to his fiance, does he know what it means. It reminds me of that Seinfeld episode, where the group goes up to a holidays house, to look at their friends baby, who turns out to be ugly. Elaine thought the doctor liked her, because he said she was "breathtaking", inflated her ego. Then he said the baby was "breathtaking", and she fell in a heap. The point is, the comment was flippant and the doctor probably said that to lots of people. Perhaps like the fiance cheater. Good luck to you, I look forward to your next posting entitled "In love with a wonderful man". Popi
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Sounds like a few possibilities- if daughter/grandkids moved in recently there must be no father on a continual basis. The boy may not understand that your house is no longer 'his' home. He may have witnessed/lived with a defiant/violent/drunk male in the past where this type of behavior is all he saw. Monkey See- Monkey Do. He may be ADHD. ADD. Fetal Alcohol Sydrome Disorder child. - 91-94% of ADHD/AUTISM is later diagnosed at early school age or adolescent age as FASD. ... It IS his mother who needs to set boundaries. Grandma already raised her kids- it is not her responsibility. Is the mother an alcoholic? Drugs? Physically or mentally abused and does not have the capacity herself to guide her children. You may not know these answers yet but dig. Ask grandma over or out for a hamburger. Discuss your worries with her and she may shed some light on the situation. Or not... It is not the child's fault, as much as it puts stress on you. Be proactive- lock your garage door. Lock your home doors. Ask a legal person if YOU may put a lock on the gate. Look at your County Clerk office tax assessment/file to see who legally put up the fence- you may be surprised to find out it is really your fence. Talk to your insurance company- they will have suggestions about how you can cover yourself. Most of these things are private and the neighbor's will not know of you trying to figure out the situation. Sometimes it DOES take a village to raise a child- especially a mentally affected child. I am blessed- I too have a connecting yard because two sisters and their husbands lived side by side. Then they were widows. I was able to know/visit the sister that previously owned my house for a year, before her death a few months ago at 100 years old... Her sister is my neighbor at 90, who is a wonderful woman. Don't dispair- there is a reason you are there. Figure out why as exhausting as it is right now. Chin up!
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silversword
17 years ago
Wow. Well put Bnice. I have little more to add. What was left out was added by Biwako. Excellent advice.

1. If she'll cheat on him with you, she'll cheat on you with someone else.

2. Sounds like she is very immature. Sounds like you are very immature. I think you should both really examine what you want from life.

Best of luck to you. I'm sure the emotional aspect of this is difficult for you, but try to seperate emotions from logic.
iloveexercise
17 years ago
I agree with the above posters.

I also want to say,even if you get the girl,doesnt sound like her parents are ever going to let up on her about who they think she should be with,which isnt you.She couldnt stand up to their pressure once,you really think she'd be able to again???
rob333 (zone 7b)
17 years ago
Yep. total agreement.
sweeby
17 years ago
"i realized she is more than i had ever dreamed of. She is PERFECT!!! Shes the woman i wanna spend my life with. "

Really?
Your dream is to spend your life with a woman who flirts with, tickles, and kisses other men?
Or is it a woman who says she's in love with and agrees to marry someone else.

She may be hot.
She may be funny.
She may be a great kisser, tickler and bedmate.
But she's NOT ready to be anybody's wife.

The other posters are right on target...
bnicebkind
17 years ago
sweeby -
well said...
colleenoz
17 years ago
Well, there isn't really anything more to add, is there? What they all said.
Linda
17 years ago
she has told me that she loves me but not as much as him.

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who loves you less than the other guy? Move on!
bnicebkind
17 years ago
Anyone else bothered by these new posters on the forum, who post and run, never bothering to respond to their own posts????
rob333 (zone 7b)
17 years ago
not to quibble bnice, but would you respond after all this negative feedback? I can't help but wonder if he's in a corner licking his wounds and hiding out. What could he possibly say? I guess he could post, "You're right. Thanks for letting me know". But that's about it. Especially since he was probably looking for validation for his point?

I just envision him reading it and coming to his senses. Which is what I would hope this help we gave did. :)
lindac
17 years ago
I am always amazed about the people who tumble to a sensational sob story posted by someone to get a rise out of the board of advise givers.
It's the "text speak" that gives it all away!
rob333 (zone 7b)
17 years ago
so do you think it's totally made up and they do it.... only to get a rise out of posters? Amazing. What would they get in return? What happens if we ignore it?

P.S. I totally agree. It's why my answer was so short first time around....
amyfiddler
17 years ago
It's a twisted sort of voyeurism. Get'em in a lather, watch them foam.

I'm in love with a woman that is engaged

Comments (14)

bnicebkind

biwako_of_abi

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