I don't really understand the counselor's advice. It seems telling a child this would make them feel they are a visitor in your home and I have never wanted to make my Skids feel that way. This is their home as well, and I would never want them to feel any differently. When I married their dad, I agreed to love the things he loves, and that includes his children. You are going to have to put your foot down with DH about how you will allow yourself to be treated. Be careful to not complain about every little thing. Choose your battles or it will just become like..blah..blah..blah to your DH. You absolutely have the right to sit down with all of your skids and go over the rules of the home and expectations. Before this meeting, I would go over the meeting in private with DH, and then have him present the rules to the kids. I think it is more likely to go over well if he presents the rules. DH is going to have to step up and protect your feelings as well. I would continue to go to counseling for advice, but I don't know if I agree with the one you are seeing now, but that is just my humble opinion.

Hello! I had similar issues w/ my youngest skid who was 12 when we married 10 years ago. She was the toughest to warm up to me, was certainly the closest to her mother, etc.

And, because DH has poor credit, our properties are 100% mine, including our gorgeous dream house we moved into a year ago. But, my SKids will chat on cell phones, saying their at "Dad's house" etc. But, honestly, I think that's more normal than for your SD to say your house is her house, esp. since you lived there before your marriage. I never took offense to my skids referring to any of our places as their dad's (we have an office bldg. we lived in for 5 years and a rental house the skids now rent) as it's normal to view it as the person you're closer to.

I think I'd just let that 'my house' business go. As long as she's not disrespecting your things/house, I'd take it as a small compliment of her approval???

If she starts w/ her being the favorite stuff, I'd be tempted to say, "Wow, I can't believe that - I think your father loves each of you equally, and I certainly don't believe in playing favorites, either." You could add, "If I did, it definitely would NOT be you!" (just kidding - tempting, but LOL)

I don't see how he could have visitation w/ her in another place? Does he maintain an apt. or something there? If not, he'd never be able to keep up his EOW situation and I don't think it'd be a good idea to stop that.

I think a little meeting is in order. Be honest and say that you're new to this as is she, but you want to improve the relationship, not let the gap widen. Address your expectations. I never did, and my issues swelled before ever a hint of improving. I bent over backwards and was largely disrespected - kept trying to kill 'em w/ kindness to no avail. But, I can't say that, because it did improve - slowly, but surely. You have to stick w/ it and talk to DH - not naggingly so, but just communicate your expectations and urge him to respect your wishes. The dad's are in a tough position - afraid of alienating themselves from the kids or upsetting the wife. I found my DH would opt for upsetting me, figuring I'd get over it, and I have resented that over time but try to look forward, not backward, as hard as it is.

Maybe you need a new counselor. We have an awesome one we only began seeing when issues w/ SD (middle child) arose after she moved in w/ us. Wish I'd seen the counselor years earlier - helps DH gain perspective and be accountable! Helps me communicate w/o whining or nitpicking! Sometimes the men need to hear from an impartian third party that they aren't being fair...

As a last resort, just DISENGAGE from this one...

Keep posting,
Dana

I have to agree with Dana about disengaging. Also, keep in mind that this girl is 14. My mom used to say some teenagers ought to be put in a barrel at the age of 12 and not let out until they're 18. There's nothing like a 14-year-old, especially a spoiled one, to make you want to pull out your hair.

First things first, though, is that you should never be the one to have to lay down rules or mete out discipline. The rules, for all the children, should be spelled out in clear language, along with penalties for breaking those rules. That's where DH comes into play. Once the rules are laid out and she knows the consequences of breaking them, DH needs to step up to the plate and let her know about the infractions. Failure to do so puts you in an unwinnable position. I suspect he's always had his ex be the "bad guy" in the family, handing out discipline, and daddy was the good guy. Now he expects you to step into that role and that is unfair because you simply cannot win in that situation.

I'd treat the whole "favorite" thing as if it's a joke. Just laugh it off. She's just using it to get under your skin. If you don't let her, you remove a lot of the reason for saying it.

"having his visitations with SD in the town where she lives(over an hour away from us."

Do you actually want him to rent a place there? I assume you don't want him staying at his ex-W's house. Or do you mean that you want to reduce or eliminate visitation, and just have him take the children to dinner? That is a great way to destroy the relationship between the children and the father, and cause everyone involved, including the father, to resent you.

For those posters who have been telling me that my situation is unusual, this whole scenario (minus the "I'm the favorite child" part) sounds eerily familiar to me.

Thanks to all. Disengaging is the key. Since we have the money, I was thinking we could get a place in the town where the bio mom lives. This would give SD the alone time with Dad, where he could spend some of his weekends with the SKIDS.

They could come to our home also, but would have an alternative close to home.

I feel that this is a win win situation, because the kids feel less abandoned and I get more breathing room.

I feel resentful providing a home for someone hostile towards me, someone my DH defends against me.

I think that SD would actually prefer a place where she could be queen of her own castle. My SS, who is a real sweetie, likes to spend time with his teenage friends.

Your proposal is an attempt to escape the problem, OP, not solve it.

You've got a decent relationship with the older two -- the youngest will come around in time if you and your DH handle things correctly.

Start by having a discussion with your DH to agree on what type of behavior you will demand from his daughter. How much insubordination, rudeness, pouting, mouthiness, laziness, messiness etc. is 'tolerable' and what will happen when she crosses the line. (And DH needs to be the one meting out the consequences.) Then DH needs to be the one to explain your (plural your) expectations to his daughter. She has to be reasonably civil, or else she will face certain consequences. No exceptions, no backing down.

There should also be some positive consequences for good behavior. It'll probably be pretty rare at first, but if you (OP) can 'catch' her being nice, and reward her for it with a smile, a compliment, a word of thanks -- that'll help it happen more often.

I have to agree that taking a place isn't the answer. As much as it bothers you, you need to weather these storms. Have DH on board - I agree w/ the other posters about laying down the law and the consequences - then disengage.

I mentioned that my youngest SD was the hardest to get close to initially - she was 'her mom' in a smaller frame. But, I can tell you that now, 10 yr. later, it's her dad and I that she prefers to spend time with, brings the bf over to see, etc. This probably began after she started college 4-5 yrs. ago. Being away from her mother may have helped her in some way connect to us. Not sure just what happened, but she lived w/ us for breaks from school - something, 10 yrs. ago, I never saw coming. And, it's awkward for me to share the place w/ the skids since I have three young boys, but I do feel a little validated by them choosing to be w/ us over their mom who lives alone in town. And, we've only had the great house for a year - they roughed it w/ us when we lived in our office!

Weather the storm, be yourself, disengage when you have to and go about your business, but hold DH accountable for holding SD accountable. ie: "You wouldn't be allowed to speak to a stranger like that, so please don't speak to my wife like that..."

Keep things strong w/ the other two - they can set an example for the youngest to follow. It's easier to remove the whole ordeal and opt for another place, but that's not healthy for anyone. Work on being a family unit.

Blessings,
Dana

Thank you all for your help!!!!

It really is good to get the points of view of women who have been there. I severely underestimated the challenges of being a step parent when I entered into this marriage. I think that was the major mistake that I made. Although, I should give myself credit for creating good relationships with the older two children.

I think DH has divorce guilt, and therefore is afraid to set boundaries with the kids. So the youngest SD is the boss. I am reluctant to play the bad cop role.

I think that husband and wife have to present a united front. If kids sense a rift, they will exploit it.

Right now, I feel that the family unit he sees is his former kids, and I am the one visitor. I have questioned if his motivations for marriage were at least in part financial.

It is so unpleasant when the one SD comes to visit, I have often planned weekends away. I have had nightmares of being homeless.

It is hard to feel that the environment in your own home has become sufficiently toxic, that you are forced out of your own home.

Since you're having doubts/2nd thoughts about your marriage, I think the first thing you need to do is figure out whether you want to put more effort into this or just put a stop to it.

If husband had financial motives, & maybe the scales were tipped toward marriage by the prospect of a ready-made home, better for him to go on down the road now than later.

If I were in your shoes, I think I'd discuss my doubts & concerns about the marriage with him before I did anything else.

If you're still willing to work on the problem of the daughter's "being the boss":

You might read my post on the "Respect of My 18 yr old SD" thread.

same kind of thing is going on here;
this kid is in the driver's seat, & she's too young to drive.

Dad needs to take the keys away from her, & you shouldn't even dream of having to "play bad cop";

it isn't your job.

it's his job.

Honey, we ALL underestimate the stepmom role and they ALL have divorce guilt. I'm chuckling as I say that, but it is a major issue and does not dissipate w/ time - the overcompensation today will come in the form of some new clothes - in two more years, it may be a new set of wheels for her. My DH and I have battled this issue MANY times. He rewards bad behavior - so does southernsummer's DH. In fact, we realized we married the same man, lol.

Get some counseling and do take some time to get away when you've had enough. Do you not want to leave your house feeling as if she's run you out of your own home? Use it as a girl's night/weekend away from it all if you can. I think we've all run from the issues from time to time, though I can run no longer - three little boys at home, but at least the SDs are on their own and I'm praying the SS isn't coming our way (hasn't spoken to us in years, but rumor has it, he's headed to S. FL. I wanted him home, but hearing how he hasn't changed just makes me sick...)

I will say that I cried many, many nights as a newlywed over the skids and sometimes it was more due to my DH's response (or lack thereof) to their behavior. He'd say one thing to me, but truly lacked the guts to carry out the plan. I see both sides of the fence - I'd hate to be the parent w/ the children who were irritating the heck out of the spouse I just married. They all feel like they'll 'lose' the kids more than they already have if they put make any demands. So, they reward bad behavior and buy stuff for a moment of bonding...

Get into counseling now - it helped us tremendously and we only first went a couple of months ago. I imagine we should have done it from the start and we'd have avoided a lot of hurt feelings, miscommunications, etc.

Blessings,
Dana

I agree with Dana. Counseling helped me immensely. My SM and dad wouldn't go, but just talking the situation out and looking at all sides of it helped me to get some distance on the situation.

If you can get the entire family to go, I would definitely say it is worth it. Even if they only agree to one or two sessions, face-to-face talking with a disinterested third party can make all the difference.