" What hurts most is the fact that we can't have our own biological children because he had a vasectomy and he doesn't want more kids and now to see him naming this baby with her makes my skin crawl!!!! "

Sounds to me like this may be the real problem -- Or more appropriately, why it's bothering you so much. And that's understandable --

But this is a you problem -
Not a him problem,
not a her problem,
and certainly not some sick kind of them problem.

Discussing baby names during an incidental car ride is no biggie. Heck, if I had happened to be riding in the car with them, I'd probably have joined in with a few favorites -- almost anyone would. Does it mean I have some investment in the child? Heck no. Even if they choose the name I selected. (Well, OK - that merits a card.)

And for your husband to brag about how he chooses great baby names? That just sounds so male! My husband said the same thing and really, really wanted to name our baby. The great name he chose? John. And yes, he thinks he's great at choosing names... Doh!

Anyway -- Don't read too much into this, because you've already worried about it way more than it's worth.
And try to relax about the Ex, because you're starting to sound a little high-strung on the topic. (Sorry)

Mcw, at the risk of my getting flamed, I understand some vasectomies can be reversed, and have you considered artifiical insemination?

However, if he doesn't want any more children (and I assume that if his exW is 45, he is around that age as well, so it is not surprising that he doesn't), then I can't imagine that he would be receptive to the idea. That is one reason that it is important to discuss whether or not to have (more) children before marriage.

Agreed, as much as I think discussing money before marriage, especially second marriage, for one or both, is important, whether to have children is important for any marriage. And, if it something one party wants and the other doesnt, I think it is best to call it quits.

I think Sweeby may have found the nerve . . . you want your DH to be picking baby names with you, and that's not currently possible. Your skin crawling because of this is understandable to you, but not to DH. He likely doesn't see the deeper issue because he is just, well, male.

I see where you fear it could be names today and babysitting tomorrow, but worrying about all that COULD happen in life will drive you to drink. Instead, can you talk to your DH about why these things concern you rather than flying off the handle? I think you'll both find it so much more productive.

Good luck to you - let us know how you are doing.

It really does sound to me like he's still a little bit married to his ex.

If it were just an incidental conversation, it seems like he wouldn't have defended it, he'd have said, "oh, I know, it's ridiculous, but my daughter wanted to talk about names."

My ex is having a baby this fall, I ask how the mother is doing, but I do not discuss baby names wiht him. it is inappropriate. Discussing and picking names for ex's children is rather stupid. I do care that DD has a healthy baby brother but I do not care what is his name going to be (strong Irish lol or Chinese, why do i care?) It sounds like your DH is very much still entangled in his ex's life and I can see how annoying it could be. It is like they are not fully disengaged. You have to tell him how it makes you feel.

I agree with Sylviatexas - and am sorry for how you are feeling right now. Can you try to explain to your DH that because you would like to be picking a name for a child that & your DH parent, and can't, that his inappropriate interaction with the yet-to-be x's baby, hurts that much more? That fact that he defended himself to you, and his comment about strong irish name - for a child that is his x's & her "tools"...that is just not appropriate, and IMHO, not the truth. Does he even know if "Tool" is Irish, or wants/likes to flaunt his heritage? Does he know/care if "Tool" is wanting to have a child, that your DH selects a name for? Seems to me, your DH is just too used to be connected with the children that his x bears, and is suffering from misplaced pride for this "proud irish child" that isn't even his!! If that was a conversation his DD wanted, a simple, "Oh, you like Mike", would have been sufficient, with no need to add any opinion or preference of his needed, no matter how great a name picker (la de dah!) he may believe he is! Maybe you & an old lover, should spend some time selecting a name for his yet to born child, and see if your DH has any opinions he wants to add then!?!

I agree a little with all of you. Yes this hit a nerve about the baby thing within me - - and I do think he is very male and didn't see the deeper issue with how to a woman this is a special, intimate thing that an ex should not be involved with even if it's in good fun. Maybe I take it more serious. But I do think he is still too entangled with the ex, she still hasn't learned to let up on asking his opinion about things and he still hasn't learned to set boundaries. He's gotten better but there's still a way to go. I told him how I felt about it after venting on this board and he said that he agreed with me. I told him that this baby has a father and the last thing this baby would want to find out it that his mothers ex was involved with his name! This is a biracial baby (father is black) and the mother wants to give him her last name which is Irish and I find it odd that everyone is pushing for an Irish first name as well when this baby will have many ethnicities to celebrate within his family. That's just my opinion and I am keeping to myself (and to ya'll). I know - it's not my call but it's the way I would handle it. My concern is now that she has asked about names I could very well see her asking him opinions on schools, etc in the future. My husband is very intelligent and a "leader" type so people often look to him for guidance, but in my opinion he is no longer her "pack" leader and the perks of having his opinion and advice in her life was over when the marriage was over. I explained this very point to him in the past when we argued about something else to do with her and he agreed at the time. But he doesn't realize when he's doing it! So frustrating.

"this is a special, intimate thing that an ex should not be involved with even if it's in good fun."

I am a woman and I don't think it is a special, intimate, thing. I have discussed baby names with lots of people, especially when we were running out of them by the time child #6 came along. The final decision is up to the parent(s), but input from any and all acquaintances is fine.

I think your DH is definately crossing the line here. The thing is it is hurtful to you for a multitude of reasons and YOU are is wife now she is not.

This is not his child he needs to reassess his priorities in my opinion and start thinking of your feelings before he rushes to rescue his ex for this, that & the other thing.

Her baby, her problem, not yours. Why must he make it so?

Ok, first of all, J would not of been picking his ex up from any airport. She'd been hailing a taxi. The SD is 25 and between the two of them they could of managed cab fare. Sorry. That's how we do things and thats why we work.

If it had been just the SD and dad talking about baby names I could of possibly understood....he would of been feeding into the daughter's exitement of having a new baby around. With the Ex being there however it turned into a "family" discussion and they are no longer a family unit so it was not appropriate exspecailly considering the new wife was not present.

I do not discuss baby names and pregnancy details around the girls mother because i KNOW she does NOT want to hear them. If pregnancy and all that goes with it is not intimate why should I censor my conversations around BM? OH...because it IS a VERY intimate family matter when it comes to blended families. It is touchy ground and don't argur me that because I am living it right now being pregnant myself and dealing with a bio mom who isn't happy about it. Biomom near s***'s a brick every time one of the girls mentions their baby sister.

These discussions are better off avoided and being in the situation to have these discussions (i.e. being in a car together) is better off avoided.

Consider your husband--is he a thoughtful, caring person? If so, then its just how he is and he would be just as likely to pick up a neighbor from the airport and discuss their baby names. They have a daughter together and he must enjoy talking with her about anything. This wouldn't bother me,and I encourage my husband to talk with his kids about their issues, or just chat. It takes nothing away from me.
He's a grown man and your trying to restrict him is probably not going to be a win-win situation for you. Just makes you look naggy. I'm not suggesting you and the ex get to be buddies, but this is an event that the daughter will have conflicting feelings about eventually, and its going to be difficult to avoid hearing about it.Look on the bright side, she's probably going to have swollen ankles, high blood pressure and will gain 40 pounds, and won't be able to stop talking about the discomfort. Your husband will not be longing to chat with her.