I'm so sorry for your SKs. It is such a hard position to be in, between the home they know and the BioMom they need to feel loyal to.

I think DH needs to have a conversation with BioMom. Nothing confrontational. Just say the kids mentioned going there for Christmas, and possibly living wih her in the future. Very calmly ask if this is something BioMom wants to discuss with dad. She will either deny it, or they may have a productive conversation. Either way, she will know that you know what she's up to.

Doesn't she live with her parents? And no drinks with dinner? That's odd.

I have heard of families who drink only after they have eaten, although I would find it very unpleasant. When I was a little kid, my doctor told my mother to restrict my milk intake so I would eat more, so I suppose that could be a reason. I don't know if it worked - as an adult, I still drink about a quart a day.

I am so sorry you're going through this. It IS very stressful on the kids and is a stunt my Ex pulled on me and our son.

While I can hardly argue with having your DH talk to her about it, I'm afraid I can't hold out much hope. A parent who is sensitive or selfless enough to understand the stress those tactics cause wouldn't apply them in the first place!

When our son was 2, my Ex would say to him "I miss you so much! Daddy's so sad when you leave." -- And of course, our son would feel terrible for making his daddy so sad. I asked him to rephrase to how happy he would be to see DS again and how he can't wait until their next visit -- No dice. He could not or would not see the difference.

Ex would frequently buy tickets to events for times he didn't have custody. These were not one-time shows, but rather Circus tickets, movie tickets -- things where he could easily have bought them for his own visitation times. Then he'd have DS ask me if he could go. The first time, I said yes, and asked Ex to in the future, buy tickets for times when he had custody. The second time, I said I'd need to talk to BioDad, and told him I was annoyed but would agree to an even swap of time -- he could have ticket night in exchange for regular night. Ex was outraged and refused. I said I would allow this one more night -- but not again, that Ex had two weeknights plus EOW, and needed to plan for those times. The third time, I told DS that I was sorry, but that I had already made plans for us to do something special that night instead, and that his father needed to change those tickets for nights when it was his turn. After that, Ex didn't actually even buy the tickets -- just told DS how he wanted to take DS to whatever event, but that "Mommy wouldn't let him."

From age 2 all the way up, Ex would tell DS over and over again about how when DS was 12, then DS could choose to come live with him. (It pretty much works that way in our state.) Ex would word it in such a way that it would have been extremely awkward and confrontational for DS to do anything but go along with it. Anyone want to guess what I got for DS's 12th birthday? On his birthday Ex had my son sign a legal statement stating that he preferred to live with his father. DS was shaking when he came to my house that afternoon, and when I asked him what was wrong, he burst into tears before he could even get the words out to tell me. All I could do was to hold him and tell him that I loved him and that "Mommy and Daddy would work it out."

Ex did agree to go to co-parenting counseling with me to 'try to work out some of our differences'. I hoped that perhaps, he would follow some of the the counselors' suggestions. But probably more so, I knew that over time, he would reveal his true colors, that the counselors would see it, get frustrated when he refused to follow any of their advice, and that they would end up testifying for my side in the inevitable custody battle. Which is pretty much how things were playing out until the lawyers got involved --

My lawyer basically said that unless I could prove he was an alcoholic child molester, that a Judge in our state would go with the child's stated wishes over virtually anything else. And that even if the statement were coerced -- which the therapists agreed that they thought it probably was -- if the child wouldn't state otherwise, in front of both parents and the judge -- the judge would tend to go with the signed statement.

So on my lawyer's advice, I capitulated. I didn't see any choice that wouldn't have put DS through an emotional wringer. And thankfully, probably due in large part to a good stepmother, it's working out better than I had thought it would. DS has learned (the hard way) that he'd better give his dad whatever he wants because otherwise, the consequences are very uncomfortable. He's brought up a couple of troubling incidents to me, and all I've said is "Yes - I can see that happening." But mainly, now that Ex has 'won' he's stopped applying the constant pressure tactics and for the first time in years, DS is visibly relaxed and comfortable in his own skin.

Sorry - Didn't mean to hijack, but needed to vent...

I've also known of a family who didn't drink until finished eating, though I can't imagine how that could be done. W/ my own kids, I've noticed them loading up more on chocolate milk and less on food, so I've said, "Two more bites before another sip..." on rare occasions, etc.

But, what she is doing to those poor children emotionally is just horrible. It's really a shame. And, I'm so sorry you are caught in the mix. I know it hurts your feelings when the kids speak like that, even though we all know where it's coming from. Give the newness of their trip some time to wear off, etc.

Has she been calling them more since they've returned home? As for Christmas, tell her she's welcomed to visit them, but you'd like the kids to be 'home' for Christmas.

I think tamar gave good advice about DH talking w/ the ex to see what her plans were, and if she hoped to ever have custody and if so, how she thought she'd provide for them, etc.

All the best,
Dana