You have to start by liking her. Have you ever in your life liked someone who did not like you? I haven't. Maybe everything is her fault, but if it is, do you want to go on disliking her and being disliked by her, or do you want to make a decision to like her, and hope she comes around? I think those are your only two choices.

Honestly, though, it doesn't sound like what you are most concerned with is whether she likes you but with whether she behaves the way you want her to.

Work out a plan for dealing with the issues that bother you, with your husband, and stick to it. Back off on some things in exchange for him supporting you on others. You have to be a united front. If you can't agree, it won't work.

She is not your step daughter. She is the daughter of your boyfriend. BIG difference.

Rosie, I know that you feel very strongly about the BF vs. DH thing when it comes to the kids. But I don't believe that being the daughter of her BF makes any difference than if she were an actual step. They still live in the same house. Taffie is an adult, and married to her BF or not, the daughter really should respect her just for that fact. I believe that the father should take a more active role in this. I can't imagine a parent wanting their child to be disliked. Taffie, this is a problem that you should address with your BF. You two should work together to find a solution tht will improve everyones life.
BTW, when my son was 12, he refused to shower. It was a struggle but then I just told him that if he wanted to be smelly and have people talk aout him, then not taking a shower was just fine. That gave him his own reason to start showering instead of doing it because I said. It worked.

I agree that it doesn't matter whether your the girlfriend or the wife, either. She'll resent you either way and you'll not like her just the same whether you have a marriage certificate or not. Some people just dont' realize that getting married does not always form some huge line between how it was and how it is. I've been with my finace' for 4 years and we have a 3 year old son. People still think because we aren't married that he's not happy or we have problems! None of that is true! We wanted to be sure we wanted to be married and together and we also wanted it to be known that we're together because we want to be, not because we had a child and the bulk of society says that you HAVE to marry because of it. We both come from divorced families and take marriage a little more seriously than our parents did. At this point, we both know what we're getting into when we marry and there will be very few small changes, such as, my name will change and I'll be on his insurance through work...At least this way there will be no huge shocking things that come out and cause a divorce 6 months to a year after we marry.

Taffie,
I read a little of your diary..about 2 enteries. I should go back and read a little more I guess but from what I can tell it's more that you can't get yourself to like the girl. You pick out all the reasons not to or why she's not like you and that has nothing to do with it. Do you only like people like you? Or have you surprised yourself and became friends with someone who's your total opposite? IT really doesn't matter that she's into dolls and clothes and her nails and you're not. Like her for her. You had a son but you could have had a daughter who ended up like your SD. Each one of us is different and kids aren't always like we were at a younger age. They can be our opposites but it's important to love them no matter what. Try to have a more positive attitude and quit looking at her like she's some alien or something. Good luck.

~Leslie~

Rosie, I have been participating in this site for some months now and it has become very clear that you had a very bad experience with your Step-Parents. Because of this bad experience, I think you are letting it cloud your view on how to best assist and support Step-Parents. Please re-evaluate your views so that you can be more of a help to those of us who truly need good advice on how to deal with this very delicate situation we are in.

No matter what your relationship to children, they should be taught to respect adults. As I tell my children, you may not like or agree with what I have to say, but it is the job of a parent to make decisions that they feel are best for the child. My 9yr olds caregiver let me know yesterday that she had a problem with my son talking back to her. She said that she explained that it was inappropriate and disrespectful and asked that he apologize and that she was going to tell me what happened. I thanked her and I told her she was absolutely right in what she said and did, then I spoke to my son on the way home.

Taffie, I have the same problem with my SD. She is 18 now and is very disrespectful to both her parents and myself and our home. My husband says it is a "teenage thing" but I continually disagree and even though my children are not perfect, I let them know in no uncertain terms that they were disrespectful and it will not be tolerated. My boys are only with me every 2 weeks for 2 weeks and even though I wish I could be all fun and games, I know that if I don't set them on the correct path now, they will be the ones to suffer later on. As far as my SD, I also let her know when she is being disrespectful, but she has been allowed to act like this for so long, that I am not sure that I can make much of a difference, but this does not stop me from letting her know how I feel about it. Your husband sounds like he just wants to be the "good Dad" all the time. Try seeing a counselor about children's behavior or reading a book and ask him to at least give it a try. It will take a little bit of time, so don't let him get discouraged.

Good luck

I had a bad step MOM but I was already an adult. I had only wonderful childhood experiences with my parents that were together until I was already married. I work with children in the schools and see what happens to them in divorces and step parent situations and worst of all - revolving door BF's and GF's. Being sensitive to a child's situation does not preclude discipline, but you cannot demand respect. You earn it. You can, however, expect certain behavior. Many times adults that are in turmoil cannot see the horrible affect it has on the children and think they should just bounce along. Then when the parents are already healing because they have found someone new to share their life and are movign on, they feel the child should be feeling the same way, but the child has not had the same healing process and are only more befuddled when they have to start sharing their lives with strangers and the children of the strangers that they not only don't know well, but sometimes don't even like. When my parents were divorcing, my Mom promised my younger brothers and sisters that she would never bring a strange man into their home and that if she ever found someone that she wished to marry, she would do so after the last one left the nest. I have so much respect for this woman, because she put the kids before her own interests. Ultimately, she did remarry ... our Dad.

Not all situations are as you described, Rosie. There are kids out there who go very close to the bf/gf or step parent and form a bond and things turn out better for them. How many kids out there today have problems because they feel they're missing something living in a one person home? I would rather the kids have someone there and the parents feel loved and cared for than everyone be miserable and alone. I saw what living alone did to my parents and I wouldn't wish it on anyone! My father has almost no self esteem thanks to feeling like nobody wanted or cared for him and it really killed him once my brother and I got older and didn't need him for everything. I guess, though, that it depends on the types of people we're talking about. Some are better off never being apart of your life but there are also some great people in the world that could help change your life and make you a better person even if they're only in your life for a little while...

"Many times adults that are in turmoil cannot see the horrible affect it has on the children and think they should just bounce along."

It is true that this situation often happens with single parents, but it often happens with married parents too! What is a divorce if not "adults in turmoil?" Parents should be judged based on their actions as a parent, and on who they choose to bring into their children's lives. You see the posts on this board from women who have married men who are abusive to their children. Being married doesn't give anyone moral authority. What is important is putting children first.

I agree with nadastimer... you really have to try to like your SD for "her", try a little to like what she likes, to relate to her.

I was guilty of the same thing with my SD. In the beginning, I just automatically assumed she'd like the same clothes style, books, games, etc. that I did... she's not as "girly" as I was at her age, more of a tomboy, and she is into different kinds of books than I was. I went so far as to buy her some of my childhood favorite books and she's never even picked them up. I guess I just decided not to be pushy and let her be. Sometimes I still "try" and show her things that I like, but don't force them on her... the other day we painted her toenails bright pink (SO unlike her) and she liked it. A little give and take I guess... : )

Remember, baby steps... : )

On the issue of be respectful to adults... I firmly believe that as long as there is an adult in the household...whether it be the parents, boyfriend, girlfriend, stepparent, grandmother, maid, babysitter, etc... children should be respectful. I also agree that you must earn a certain amount of "love/like" respect from children, but there is "basic" respect that should be mandatory. I'm of the belief that there are two kinds of respect... I have the mandatory "basic" repect at the moment and am very very close to the "love/like" repect...
Your SD's father should be enforcing the basic repect in his child... especially where you are concerned.

Thank you everybody for your mostly good advice. Things have improved considerably. Our relationship is far from perfect, but much better than it was. We finally found a common link. Yeah! Something we both enjoy. Scrapbooking. I still get really frustrated with a lot of her behaviors or her just lack of effort about some things, but we're making progress. Her Dad has still not improved in the area of teaching her basic respect of other adults, but hopefully, I'm having some influence despite that.