Anyone who's ever said that children aren't manipulative doesn't know kids.

Your problem isn't with your stepdaughter. She's just being a kid. It's with your husband, who is not being a parent. Your SD is testing the waters, looking for limits and boundaries, which are essential to a healthy, well-functioning child.

A lack of discipline and boundaries makes a child feel out of control ... in free-fall, so to speak. If Dad doesn't care enough to set limits for the child's own good, the child wonders if Dad cares at all.

Discipline is the most loving thing a parent can do for a child. It makes them feel safe and secure.

Daddy's right about one thing:
she *is* being a 10-year-old.
Ten-year-olds are incredibly smart & very savvy &, like anyone else, they want to control their territory/environment.

You & hubs are the partners & she's the little girl;
the 2 of you have to get back in the driver's seat, 'cause she's too young to drive.

funny thing, your situation reminds me of an incident in my life about a hundred years ago:

I was told, when I had one of those last-straw moments & finally blew my stack when a boyfriend's son deliberately broke a piece off my car (seems like it was a plastic hook of some sort), that my values were screwed up because I "cared more about *things* than about *people*."

I'd almost forgotten that arrogant sanctimonious ill-informed jerk...

but I do hope the little boy grew up normal.

My ten year old SS, will ask and whine and ask and try to ask me then ask DH if I say no, all the sneaky stuff...its definitely the age.

He would be the problem, not her.

"I think he has some guilt feelings he's dealing with and truly lacks some discipline to make the hard parenting decisions"

You nailed it! I went through the same crap with DH years ago, I was 'the bad guy' because DH could never say no, or would (my favorite) overrule my no in front of me. He even tried to get me to make 2 diffrent dinners a night because SS needed their own menu of what they like (pfffft)

I'd say you have a couple options, family counciling works great. If he's adverse to it, try to create a specific list of 'house rules/boundaries' you can both agree to enforce and consequences for the whining, etc..

There is hope, we are now strict and both my SS are 500% better in behavior than when we were married...children crave structure.

My BF tried the "you don't understand what it means to be a parent" line *once* ----- and never again. Just because someone has a child in NO way means that they automatically know how to parent and just because someone doesn't have kids doesn't mean that their insights into child raising are irrelevant. I find that to be a *huge* misconception among parents and non-parents.

My BF had horrible parents himself whereas I came from a very stable "normal" (for lack of a better word) family. I was a nanny in college and have been the official and unofficial "auntie" to tens of kids. I *know* my input is valuable and rational and every bit as valid as his.

That said - I do try to back up a lot of my suggestions with doing some extra reading/research on successful parenting. Yeah, I watch "supernanny" and read parenting magazines and forums like this. My mom has been a teacher her entire life so I often talk to her too. I try to approach my conversations with him from the perspective of "If I had my own kid" or "when we have kids I would like to do X". I try not to specifically attack the way he handles his own son, but put it in other terms. I got lucky and he has agreed to let me have basically full parental authority with his son and backs up in front of his son.

Like everyone else said, the 10 year old is really just doing her job. She needs to explore boundaries and exert some independence as part of her own growth, but left unchecked, it makes family living harder and will teach her nothing about setting boundaries and self discipline. It's actually doing her a diservice to give in to her manipulations.

I asked my BF to keep in mind the 'end result' he wants to see with his son - who does he want his son to be when he grows up? I told him to imgaine his son giving an acceptance speech for some mighty award - and what does he want his son to say about his dad in the speech ("I want to thank my dad for teaching me discipline, perserverence, hard work, value of a dollar, value of community service, etc, etc.). YES - it's totally cheesy, but common sense really says that no scholar ever stood up and said "I want to thank my dad for letting me get away with murder and giving me everything I've ever wanted without having to work for it" - those kids don't win awards, they end up in the unemployment lines... :)

Welcome to the step-mom club:)

I have been here for 17 years.

You are absolutely right - your DH is feeling very guilty. My wonderful husband and I almost ended up divorced after 2 months - all because he just could not dicipline his children when he had them only every other weekend. He did not want to be the bad guy, then send them to a mother who was bad mouthing his as well. You need to talk to him and validate his feelings because they are natural.

I once watched my 3 year old SS break every crayon in my niece's new box, and my husband get angry at me for talking to him about it.

My husband and I finally sat down and had it out about the kids. I had a one year old from my first marriage as well. He didn't feel I had the "experience" either.

We decided then and there that we were husband and wife first. Then we were parents. He was the children's father, and could be that and dicipline them as well as have fun with them. When we took this approach the children seemed to relax and we became a family. Children need structure, when all of a sudden their parents are acting differently, talking badly of the other, buying them more stuff (always a competition) and not disciplining them as usual, they freak out.

It sounds like your SD is testing you and her father to see if things will ever become "normal" again. He needs to be the dad and love her like old times. This includes the love it takes to discipline her.

Good Luck, someday you will look back and be glad you worked so hard to make a family out of this group, I am.

K

Very well said, KRB0808. I love the concept of family life being "normal" again.

My sister and her husband are not a stepfamily. They have two children but the same concept applies to their family. She said when she and her husband have a disagreement, the tension is often broken by misbehavior by one of their kids. They're consistent with discipline and she said it seems to settle and quiet her kids when they see mom and dad working together, even if it means accepting discipline for misbehavior.

Why do so many parents have such a hard time accepting that their children want limits and boundaries and to hear the word "no"?