I'm so sorry for all of your recent losses. Truly, the timing for your SC's arrival was horrible, and I wish their father would have put his foot down and simply said "No - This is not the right time." But that's old news... Sadly, it's not unusual for Bio parents to undermine their 'replacement' steps... And that's unlikely to change unless somehow, the BioMom can be made to realize that having two good mothers is SOOOOO much better for her children than having one "good" one (her, of course!) and one that they dislike and disrespect. But that can be a difficult understanding to reach, and it would be virtually impossible for you to help her reach it. Any chance your husband could help? Or your MIL? The book 'Divorce Poison' is a wonderful resource you should definitely look into. It's all about handling Ex's who undermine you in destructive and damaging ways. About how to 'take the high road' without 'lying down' and silently taking the abuse. For example, you know BioMom's mad about failed marriage #2, so in a way, her blaming you for failed marriage #1 makes sense. It's not fair or accurate, but I'm sure you can understand her feelings. Well guess what -- so can the SC. All you have to do is explain it to them kindly, truthfully and respectfully. Everyone says hurtful things they don't mean sometimes -- it's not unforgivable. Let them know that their mother is hurting, and that's why some of the things she's saying aren't true. That everyone makes mistakes and that our goal is to forgive them. (Bring God into it if that's relevent for you and for them.) I can understand your pain at how SD trashed all of the lovely things you bought her. But try not to let that hurt you. Instead, simply let her live with the trashed stuff, and know that she is the one sleeping under that stiff comforter and having to wear those bleached-out clothes to school. If she asks for more stuff, the most natural answer in the world is that you won't be buying any more nice stuff until she has demonstrated she is responsible enough to take care of it. You're probably right that they will be back. And your sense that its not right for the kids to ping-pong back and forth according to whoever offers the best deal of the moment is right on target. But when they do indicate that they want to come back, I'd insist on some ground rules. Chores for everyone, respectful treatment, allowances, responsabilities -- you know what to do. Let them see the expectations and buy into them before they move back. FWIW, you sound like a wonderful person and a really good parent, and I'm betting this is something you can and will work through. 15 years from now, those SCs will be so glad you're in their lives. May it happen much sooner --

"When I made a list of our relationship pros and cons, his parenting was the biggest (and almost the only) issue. Has anyone else had similar experiences?" *Raises hand* I dated a guy for two years that had an 8 year old son. Because he only had him ever other weekend and on Wednesday evenings, he spoiled his son and let him get away with a lot because he "didn't want to spoil the time he had with him". I tried working with my BF about his son, but he got defensive whenever I said something to him about his son's behavior. You are right - it's not your job to fix your boyfriend's children. You did not make them that way or allow them to become that way. Granted, the daughter may be on the autism spectrum, may need counseling, or just some firm parenting, but it is NOT YOUR JOB to fix. The one thing I learned from my experience is I will not wait so long to meet a man's children. I waited a whole year before getting to know my BF's son, and by that time I was already in love with the father, so it was hard to break it off once I started seeing the issues with my BF's parenting. I tried working on the issue with my BF for another year, but eventually I realized that unless he was willing to step up and parent his son, there was nothing I could do. Plus, you have to realize, with step kids your hands are tied behind your back You can't properly discipline them the way you would your own. Unless the dad is willing to step up and properly parent his children, you are only signing yourself up for a life of misery. Sure, his poor parenting may be the ONLY thing wrong with him, but that ONE thing will grow into a monster. There are many things in a relationship that the two of you have to argee on, and one of them is parenting. Of course your BF is upset you want to back off, you are the one doing all the heavy lifting in the relationship. I think I know why he's better with you and your kids. It sounds like you have raised your kids to be respectful, polite and well behaved. It's EASIER to deal with kids that have been raised right. It's a lot harder to RETRAIN kids that have been allowed to misbehave their whole life. And you probably don't get defensive if he tells you something about your kids, or go into denial about their behavior, which is what your BF is doing. And the fact that he wants more time with his kids would make me run for the hills. My BF did the same thing, we were talking about moving in together, and I thought I could handle it since his son would only be there every other weekend and on Wednesdays, but then the BM let the son stay with my BF full time. I knew I could not handle living with his son full time and I told my BF I could not move in with him. He got upset as well, and that was only another indicator to me that the relationship was in trouble (although at the time I didn't break up with him). I remember I once asked the ladies on here if they knew what they did now about step families and all the problems they would go through, would they do it again, and many of them said NO. That was what convinced me that I needed to break up with my BF. It's been three months since I've broken up with him and I don't regret my decision. Sure, sometimes I'm lonely, but a visit back to this site reminds me of why I broke it off and how happy I am now that I don't have to deal with all that mess!

I mentioned last May that both SD25 and SD24 raged at us, mainly their Dad, for neglecting them, and leaving them out and not spending time with them. DH and I both are very sensitive people, and took this very hard coming from them. It caused to to reflect and examine our behavior to them, and did we really do what we are being accused of? We felt that we were unjustly accused. So, to be objective, and look at facts, I made a journal starting the month in September 2005 when I met their Dad. I logged into the journal every time that we had contact with them. I included times that we actually visited them, where the visit was, what we did, and who picked up the tab. I also included all of the times that we invited them, but they turned us down. Mind you that we wouldn't just say, can you come Friday night at 6pm. We'd say something more like, "We have off of work for the next 3 days, would you like to get together sometime in the next three days?" We tried to be extremely accomodating with our schedule, because we placed a high importance on spending time with them. DH never said, as one of the posts said that he told his girls that, "Sorry I don't have time for you". He bent over backwards to try to do things with them, and make them feel comfortable with the new marriage. My journal showed an average of every 2 weeks or twice a month that we actually spent time with SD24. With SD25 it was about 1 time a month, but she was attending college out of our area, so it is natural to see her less. When my son went to college his freshman year, I said Good Bye in August, and didn't see him til Christmas. He never accused me of neglecting him. He knew I was sacrificing in order to help pay his tuition, and he was pretty glad to get home at Christmas. After Christmas break, we saw him at Easter, then not til college dismissed in June. I have no regrets, and DS23 doesn't feel neglected. Also it was a HUGE change for DS23 because I filed for divorce from his father, after 25 years, right before Christmas. He went to school in the fall with a whole family, and came home to a mess on Christmas break. Never accused me of neglecting him! And a huge stress on his shoulders. With SS29 we see him about 5 times a year since he lives 1200 miles away, they come home quite often. But SS29 never complains about being neglected. SS29 is always polite and respectful, just clueless about social graces. SD24 would sometimes say to us that her DH didn't want to always have to do the driving to come over and spend time with us. They live an hour away from us. So, my DH said to her, "What do you want us to do? Do you want us to just invite ourselves to your house? You're newly weds, should we just pop in without an invitation? We've never been invited to your place." Her answer was that we were welcome any time. So again, DH said, "should we just show up on your doorstep at mealtime?" An hour is a long way to drive when you don't know if anyone is going to be home or not. We clearly don't feel comfortable barging in on our young adult children without an invitation. Yet an invitation almost never came. SD24 invited her Dad over and made him a delicious birthday dinner 18 months ago. That was the last invitation from her to do anything with her. Like I said, my journal showed either we visited or made invitations that were turned down on average of every 2 weeks for the past 3 years! The invites were sometime as a couple, and sometimes just Dad. It depended on our schedules. Sometime I'd be working, and he'd make plans with his kids while I was at work, etc. Same thing with phone calls, they hardly ever call just to visit with him to see how he's doing, or to see if he would like to get together with them. He does almost 100% of the contacting. They usually contact him when they need something from him, or when there is some benefit in it for them, or obligatory times like his birthday, etc. I made a pact with myself in September 2008 that I was going to stop trying so hard to gain their approval, stop contacting them altogether. I have been and will continue to be polite to them, try as hard as I know how to make them feel comfortable and welcome in our home, and I will answer any communication that they direct my way. I will NOT initiate any communication from me to them. The ball is in their court now. None of my 3 SK have contacted me since September, except my SS29'sW who emailed to see when I was sending out the Easter outfits for the SGKs. They have been told by their father, that they are welcome here anytime, they don't even need to call ahead. He said it would be better if they'd phone ahead, but they are always welcome. We think that kids should always have a standing invitation at their parents house. My DH actually cries sometimes. He is very sensitive. He feels that his daughters have neglected him! He has confronted them about this, and they say that things will change. And they do for about 2 weeks. Then they drop out of circulation until he hunts them down again. DH feels that he should do his part as a responsible parent, and try to build the relationship. If they don't do their part that is their decision, but he has the confidence of knowing that he has tried to spend time with them.

I understand that you felt that telling the GP's and SGP's about the Japan thing was o.k. because she had posted it on her myspace, I suppose I would have asked her first to make sure it was allright to spread the news. Sounds like SD is totally punishing with the grandbabies, and that's just selfish and unfair on her part. You have the right to be angry about it, but you also need to just let her get it out of her system, being a new mom again and dealing with the hormones. I wouldn't want to go to Vegas pregnant, either. Sounds like she was just EXPECTING to be brought along, not wanting to be left out. A bit spoiled? You're allowed to be angry, but don't continue to carry it because it's just not healthy for anyone. I can't give you much advice about SS. 24 is still very young, he's got a lot of growing up to do.