Well first of all what kind of man is he? One of those "types" that thinks he is the be all and end all of decision making in the family?

Next time you have a convo with your kids close the door, or better yet go outside;) Then give him back the same BS nothing when he asks what they said. When he asks, say they said "hello".

He deserves a big dose of his own medicine.

PS. Erect some equally ugly thing in the backyard of your cottage. Igloos are good I hear:D And if they are made of plastic all the better.

Not a 3rd wheel .... but I go through the same thing if I get a call he wants to know the whole conversation ... I have to pull it out of him what the ex called for this time.... or what the kids wanted only because 9 out of 10 times it includes me... other than that I really could care less.

One of my biggest pet peeves!!!

I will be outside pulling weeds out of the garden its obvious ... on my knees with my gloves on pulling weeds with pruners in hand.... and someone will come out and say "what are you doing?" ... my standard answer to "what are you doing? when the answer is obvious ... "fixing the cable" ...

Obvious tasks: someone will "what are you doing?"

Doing dishes ... " fixing the cable!"
Folding clothes .."fixing the cable!"
Mowing the lawn..." fixing the cable!"
Making dinner..."fixing the cable!"
Pouring a cup of coffee .."fixing the cable!"

that's how men are. everyone of them i ever knew including men in my family or men I was involved with. they like to know every detail about you but fail to share on their part. and yes men parent out of guilt, so they say "yes" to kids out of guilt. they have no guilt when it comes to you so they say "no" to you wiht no problem.

FD - you are so right on! I've never even thought about that, but it's so true! I have always wondered why he has always been resistant to me and my ideas, but gives in freely to FSD and BM's ideas. But now it makes sense!

I have felt like a third wheel for most of my relationship with FDH. One time, after we had been dating a year, he took FSD and I to a golf tournament. The whole time they walked at least 20 to 30 feet ahead of me talking and laughing and having a great time. I was having trouble walking because I wore the wrong shoes and it had recently rained (I didn't know; I had never been before) so I was walking more slowly. Then, the inevitable happened; I slipped and fell down a hill. I had a huge grass stain down the side of my white linen pants. I got up and took my shoes off and walked in the mud back up the hill and started back in the direction we were going before I fell. It was 5 more minutes before I ended up seeing them again. They had realized that I wasn't back there and started back to find me. This is what I got when he saw the grass stain and muddy feet "Oh, babe, what happened?" UGH!

Aww, your talking about my husband, but I didn't feel like a third wheel, his response to me was negative most of the time. I wanted to do away with the single closet in our bedroom and enlarge the vanity, he didn't think so. I told his daughter about it and she said "watch this". When she had a chance she said "hey Dad, enlarging the vanity in the bedroom sounds like a great idea". He was all for it then. I didn't take it seriously.

ashley, it sounds so familiar. I didn't have same experience but I can just see myself falling of the hill and man just walking ahead with his kids, mom, siblings or worse: friends.

I had a boyfriend who was very much involved with his friends, like made them the center of his life. we went on a trip to NYC, I, he, his friend and his fiancee. While on a trip my boyfriend constantly made sure that his friend and fiancee are comfy, not hungry, are warm etc. he would ask if their feet not hurt, if they don't need a break etc. i finally said: why don't you ever ask me? he said: you never complain and have a lot of stigma and you are easy going. other people are not this way so i make sure they are comfy. needless to say i broke up with him as soon as we arrived back home.

I was told by more than one man that because I do not make fuss over little things it is easier to say "no" to me than to other people (adult kids, exwives, moms in particular) because they would make a fuss. so because I am easier going than them i have to suffer? pretty stupid logic.

I've had the 3rd wheel feeling, but not with his kids as much as around his ex and former in-laws. I always attribute it to him being nervous and trying to keep the peace between his X and her folks. She treats her folks like trash and it makes everyone else uncomfortable. I don't get upset because it is a little different. And, men can be boobs every now and then.

Ashley's story of falling down the hill made me laugh because I had something similar happen, but on a bike. We were about nine miles into a twelve mile ride and had just gotten onto a mixed use path. He was ahead of me, and there were two walkers behind him and finally me. The walkers weren't paying attention and wandering all over the path. One stepped out in front of me, so I turned off of the path and hit sand. Before I knew it the bike had a mind of its own and I remember thinking, "It seems like I don't have control." I launched over the handles bars, but forgot to let go, so I was yanked back onto the bike and I dragged the inside of my legs along the pedals and sprocket, plus I made this enormous splat sound. Everyone turned around and looked at me, asked me if I was ok. I said I'd live and BF told me to "WALK IT OFF". Later that evening, when he saw that my legs were bruised, scraped and bloody, he asked me how it happened!! I laugh now, but I thought you BOOB.

end of rope, I used to feel that way with the step kids and ex in laws. It has gotten better now that the kids are older and not living with us.
I too remember suggesting something and it was a NO by DH, but, when the step kids suggested the same thing it was a good idea. It used to upset me, however, I learned to not sweat the small stuff.

I do have a question for everyone. Have any of you noticed that when the adult SKs call or meet with DH, he is more distant or appears to be bothered by something?

Just recently after DH had been talking with adult SK he started to talk about getting together with ex-inlaws. There is really no need to get together with ex-in laws. I often think the SKs suggest to DH to get together with their mother's relatives.

I do not understand this. When I divorced my ex I had no need to hang around with my ex's family members anymore. I did like and get along with my ex's family but have no need to continue a relationship with them. It is too hard to do so.

Anyway, what are others experiences with this. Thanks

"I do have a question for everyone. Have any of you noticed that when the adult SKs call or meet with DH, he is more distant or appears to be bothered by something?"

absolutelly. i am not married. But i constantly saw it in BF. yeap. all the time. preoccupied after every phone call, and seemed to be bothered with something. also usually not in a good mood after talking to them. part of it was that they would call or meet to complain about BM and BM's side of the family. Ongoing issue. I used to dread their phone calls. If they would call on Saturday morning, weekend was ruined.

Yes, my DH is different while on the phone and off. The SK's call him on his cell now so I don't usually have to deal with them.
I used to stick up for the X and her family - until she pulled the b s before the wedding and now I do not have 1 good thing to say about them.
I would encourage my DH to call the x-inlaws (they were not well); I stay in contact with my x - father-in-law - I guess my thinking was I was a part of their lives for 15 years and just because we broke up doesn't mean I hate them. My current mother-in-law hated my DH X; I also encouraged her to go for coffee.
Ooh - do I regret ever saying anything nice about her!!!

Thanks finedreams for the response. It makes me feel like I have not been imagining such behavior.
When I ask DH whats wrong or whats up he says nothing, but I can always tell somethings coming.
How about others of you, "Do you notice DH's appears bothered, distant, upset, etc. after telephone calls or talks with the SKs?

End of Rope, Good topic....While I cant say my DH makes me feel like a third wheel, I feel like its the adult SS that want to make me feel like more of what I call a sidebar... A piece of furniture when they are out with Dad..DH goes out of his way to make me feel comfortable, he sees it happening...But not much of an issue since the one adult step that treated me as such, hasnt spoken to his dad in over a year(over issues he has with me)...Younger SS much better, he does include me in conversation, etc, feels like we are 3 people together.....Sunny, when SS does call, DH leaves the room to talk out of my range, which I do think is odd...He always comes back and tells me everything the kid says, but I guess its just his way of seperating old life/new life...Maybe the distance, whatever, after phone calls is just a transitioning deal...Maybe he s just sad that he s not having the conversation in person with the kid after school, like he would if he still lived with them...Not sure....

Yah there were a few times at the beginning of my relationship where i didfeellikethe third wheel. Exactly like some people described. If my SD said anything to my Dh he would jump up and say its a great idea or if he didn't like it he would still agree not to get her upset.
Anyways...now that she is older and is in the last year really beginning to act like her mother. (who by the way is a very selfcentered, inconsiderate and jealous person ...she is like this to her own mother and father and her own sister!!!) So i'm not exaggerating about her character.
My husband is just plain disappointed in her lately. We planned her birthday party in a few weeks...guess what???! Last night she cancelled coming over that weekend because she plans to party on the weekend with her family...this is what she said to my DH AND the follwoing weekend is her mother weekend..the long holiday weekend..she wants my DH to come pick her up in the middle of that weekend. I told my husband. I already made plans, I've booked the long weekend already. ( you see her mom wants to party...so she thought she would swap or something like this...) well my dh and his ex never swap weekend cause it always starts a fight. Things have been quiet for 3 yeaers now with them agreeing not to do any swapping...soo...he told me he will not takeheronthelong weeekend. To top it off she asked for an expensive electronic gift!
My SD knows fully well that my husband is financially strapped and she has the gual to ask for it and to cancel her weekend with us??
I cancelled her party, i told my Dh if he wants to take her out for dinner to right ahead. I booked the long weekend holiday for us. Which does not include his kids because its not his weekend and money wont stretch to include his kids and i woul dhav eto get a letter of consent since will be crossing the border!
So yes...there are times i feel like a third wheel cause i go through making a teen party fo rher only to have it thrown in our faces that she is staying at moms.
Thats gratitude for ya.!
p.s My DH told her NO for the electronic device. Flat out no.

I have never been made to feel like a "third wheel" perse but I will say the one time we did a joint birthday party it was totally gross. Jonathan and I where the only two at the party who were not friends of biomom and all the females present went out of their way to exclude me and make me feel like the odd woman out. The did the group stare and whisper manuever. jonathan saw I was obviously under attack and stuck by my side like velcro....this apparently botheres biomom because she wound up leaving the party before half the party goers did. It was just a crappy time had by all.

We decided after that and a ruined Halloween and Fourth of July that we would would NEVER do joint Birthdays and Holidays again.

Also I have to say if I ever fell down or almost killed myself on a bike Jonathan would not only notice but would probably have a heart attack...hahahaha.

Oh i would never have a joint party with that witch!!! She is the type of human being that one look and you know she is a backstabber!
She has no friends. mostly relatives are at her parties and she has only one friend. biomoms friend is a person...who is known as the town whore. She has 5 children from 5 different men. All of which have run out on her completely with no CS or help. Which is awful for these kids.
anways...its also our turn to have them for halloween this yeaer. PUT you any bets SD wont come and she'll also convince her brother not to come either. But i will speak with my DH for him to take friday off this year and go pick up his son early for halloween! If SD wants to stay with mom fine..but i 'm not gonna let her make my SS life miserable!

Hey dotz, I wonder if SS wants to feel closer to Dad. And maybe there is a lot of pressure on Dad from SS during the phone calls. Your husband sounds like he tries hard on all fronts, but maybe he feels like he needs to walk away so that you don't have to be burdened hearing the conversation since you already know how SS treats you and hubby sees it.

Nivea, No, I should have been clearer, he walks away from call with SS whom I do like a lot and get along with well...The older doesnt speak to DH at all..SS he talks to, they are close, he s a reasonable kid, he thinks on his own, doesnt listen to poison from BM, and I admire him for that at his young age..Older brother, he s less mature in his mid twenties than the teenager....I wish DH would call SS first and break the ice between them, but he wont..He s been too hurt by him....

Soemtimes dotz it takes a few years for healing. I didn't speak to my father for 7 years. And when i became pregnant, the ice was broken but not without tension and all my old feelings came flooding back. But i held strong for the sake of my son and now alot has been forgiven and alot was just let go cause life is so short for BS to be passed along for too long..