I am no expert on blending a family, but I think your new husband needs to be the one to explain to his children the changes that need to be made as well as the reasons for them. Are his two oldest students? At 23 & 21 they should have jobs and be learning the responsibility of life and should absolutly be paying their own cell phones and car insurances!
I think all you can do is ask your husband for help and support. If he was willing to make the change and require them to accept some responsibility he can probably explain why. As for them boycotting your 9yr old's birthday-that's just rude and he should hve required better of them. Your 9yr old didn't do anything to his kids and they are old enough to know that.

I am curious how long it has been since each group uf kids lost a parent? Did any receive any counseling?

Thanks for replying. It has been around 3 years for all kids involved. The only one in counseling is the 16 year old and only because it was mandatory because she got caught with pot and for stealing alcohol all numerous times. When she gets caught she says she does it because her mom died so it was decided that she try counseling. Everyone else declined getting counseling. I have tried to reach out to her most of all. I've confided in her about my own life growing up, personal stuff that I would not share with anyone, trying to help her. I have talked to her dad about letting her off grounding early and sided with her. I have spent a fortune on her because she said she would only like me if I took her shopping more often for clothes and stuff. I was used and I know that. She treats me bad and tells people I am a b. because she does not like that her dad does not spend and give her money whenever she asks for it as he used to. He did give her a credit card to use and she maxed it. Guess who got to help hubby pay it off? The thing is, she uses cash for pot and alcohol when she has it.

What is the timetable between the death of the SK's mom, your remarriage, and the "selfish changes" (cell phone bill payment, etc.)? Are we talking about many years or a matter of months...? Are your boys much younger than the SK's? Have the SK's and/or the whole now-blended family had any counseling (individually or as a group)?

I think the SK's do need to know that it is you who has shelled out the majority of the money for the house, expenses, etc. It maybe seems like it shouldn't be any of their business, but take it from this adult SD that the question of who's footing the bulk of the bills has an effect. If you don't feel comfortable sharing this info with them ---or don't feel you should have to--- that's fine, but bear in mind that their perceptions of you WILL be based to a large extent on how much they see you as a "taker" or a "giver" in your relationship with their father and with them. (As will your perception of them be based in large part on how much "taking" they seem to do. It's really the same principle in any relationship, family or friend, if you really think about it). So the choice is yours: share a bit more info than you think you ought to, or risk a series of deep resentments (on all sides!!!) based on misunderstanding and lack of commuication about the truth.

I will try to share my perspective on this and describe how things look from their angle. They will not take kindly to someone whom they perceive as swooping in (in their departed *mother's* place, no less) and making new rules (they will see it as such simply because you ---& your two kids--- are the new elements, whether you are active in the rule-making or not) when you (as far as they know) are being supported, just like them, by their father. Conversely, if you were swooping in as a loving, giving person who is there to improve their standard of living and help out their grief-and-debt-impoverished Dad (as you have), it's like the difference between a freeloader and a hero in their eyes. They will have much more respect for you, and more gratitude, especially if you handle the telling of the facts well and carefully.

The last thing you want to do is come off to them like you think they "owe" you respect because of your financial contribution to the house. It isn't an item-for-item exchange, that's not how it works. Nor should you hang it over their heads (or Dad's head) as a power issue... EVER. That would be even worse, probably, than the scenario you're dealing with now. The best way to let them know you are paying for things is to be graceful and humble about it. The common impulse would be to have Dad tell them, but then Dad looks kind of like a ventriloquist's dummy and they may not even believe him. They will also be less inclined to believe either one of you that it's actualy true the longer time goes by without you telling them. I would suggest revealing it slowly and indirectly at first. Let them overhear you telling DH you're writing the check for such-and-such a bill and asking him (nicely!) when he'll have his half. Let them overhear a conversation between you and DH about how it's going paying down his debt and him expressing his gratitude to you for fronting the money he needed at this time in his life. Two things are crucial here. First of all, DH needs to know you're planning on a "staged" conversation or else he will feel manipulated by you and embarassed. As regards his pride in front of his children, it's crucial that you and he both stress that: a) he is NOT indebted to you for life and is actively catching up and paying down his debt; b) the reason he got into so much debt is related to expenses involving or surrounding the death of his wife, the kids' mother. If those things are conveyed well enough, there should be no reason for him to lose face or feel embarassed about his kids knowing. More likely than not, they will understand and sympathize with him and will be much more cooperative in sticking to the budget because they will know that there *is* one.

But if you don't let the kids know soon, it may be too late for any turnaround in their perceptions of you and your role in relation to they and their Dad.

You kind of glossed over the fact that they lost their mother to cancer, and while cancer is very common, it is still a tremendous loss for them, and will probably have many deep effects on them their whole lives that they probably don't even understand now and which are (I'm guessing) only just beginning. That's not to say it exonerates them of everything, but it does somewhat explain such misbehavior as leaving a mess or using a cuss word here & there. They are angry, as anyone would be who lost their parent much too young and is now dealing with a bunch of changes they had no say in making. Wouldn't you be? Especially if you had no idea that the new brigade were contributing anything?

The loss of a mother, I dare say, is a different experience than the loss of a father. The age the kids were (as well as their gender) can cause some differences, too, I think. This is not to say anyone has it "worse" than anyone else, it's just all different experiences of similar kinds of losses. And these will cause a wide variety of effects in behavior. The loss of a mother is more likely to be a loss of a more general, stereotypically "unconditional", "soft", intangible kind of nurturance, as opposed to the traditional father role, whose support is usually a bit more tangible and often associated with clear punishments and rewards. I am, of course, generalizing and that may not fit your blended family history at all. But I'm just saying that if you can step up and be as generous with empathy as you are with money, and overlook some of the swearing, dirty dishes and teen angst, you can give back some of that unconditional nurturing they so desperately miss deep inside, even if you cannot literally "replace" their mother. If oyu can't do that, you have a tough road ahead.

wow, it sounds like money is an important issue to you (no judgement there-it's important to me too). It sounds like you made a sacrifice with the cash you had and perhaps are a little disappointed/frustrated that nobody is especially thankful? And maybe you're afraid that you'll end up continuing to finance a lifestyle for his children that he couldn't afford in the first place? Have you considered, or do you use a "yours mine and ours" money system? Keeping monies seperate can keep resentment down.

It is extremely hard to buy a childs affection, I've tried too. No matter how much I spend or what I get for my SS he ALWAYS raises the price. He is also very money oriented. Can't ask him to do anything, the response is "is this a paying job?" at family gatherings/parties he always finds his way to the cooler to "tend bar" so he can ask (yes he holds his hand out and asks!) for tips. He will flat out ask how much money I have in the bank and is glued to the register at the store so he an see how much I'm speding. I can only guess to compare to how much his BM might spend at the same store? My SS finds his self worth and value in money, sad as that is his full time household runs cash currency for affection. His mom buys him what I consider expensive and inappropriate for his age gifts. Does a 6yr old need an ipod? a fancy cell phone for 9th birthday?

My guess is she'll always raise the price on you to see how much more she can get. Your husband should provide her basics, she can work part time for special extras and you can gift her as you see fit, and as she earns it.

Also sounds like drugs and alcohol are a problem with her. If she's been caught stealing, I'd call it a problem. Has her dad considered possible treatment?

beachbound1--

It took me a long time to write my last post b/c of interruptions where I am, so I didn't see your second post.

SD16's behavior sounds extreme ---not even the drinking and drugs, b/c like it or not that is plenty of teens--- but the rude comments to you. And it *is* rude, no two ways about it. But try to understand that it is anger talking, a callous facade designed to hide a lot of loss, pain and feelings of having no say over what happens in her life and who comes and goes in it. Try to cut her slack on smaller stuff, and address the larger and more extreme issues as needed. She should continue to go to counseling, and as for money, if there just isn't much in the family budget, that is that and she will have to deal. No one can spend what doesn't exist. If these things are approached with love, empathy, and basic economic facts I think alot will improve over time. I suspect that as she grows up and comes to a more serene place in her grief & adjustment, she will realize that her Dad & step-mom were providing unconditional love even if they were not buying her a bunch of extra material goods (that is, IF they were providing unconditional love). In her current state, material objects are filling a void and giving her a sense of control (she can pick what she buys and wears) that she otherwise lacks. Drugs & alcohol are also soft "cushions" that take pain away and cover over an emptiness. If you can bear this in mind when you deal with her, it will be much better for her and you in the long-run than the opposite (judging & condemning her as a 'bad seed') which gives no room for her to be anything but. If she keeps on being rude and hostile in a way that is more than you can take (or what many people could take), you can do that 'detach with love' thing and step back & let her Dad handle things regarding her. But once you do that, you lose say over her because one cannot rightly raise/mold a person that one has stated they cannot or will not deal with directly. It wouldn't make you bad or wrong if you couldn't handle her. But then you would have to accept that just as she wouldn't be 'your problem', you don't get to discipline her. In other words, you don't get authority without responsibility, does that make sense?

Another idea might be to cease financially supporting his kids, if his finances make it possible for him to adequately support the minors on his own. Without you, he'd have to support them somehow, right? (And/or older ones would have to become more finacially independent/resourceful on their own.) This may be preferable to resentment growing in you that you have to support seemingly ungrateful kids, resentment in your DH who may come to fear that you have more power because you have more money, and resentment in the kids for the same reason. But again, if you give up the responsibility of supporting them, you give up a lot of say in decisions made regarding them.

Serenity spelled it out perfectly, and I agree completely:

"I think the SK's do need to know that it is you who has shelled out the majority of the money for the house, expenses, etc. It maybe seems like it shouldn't be any of their business, but take it from this adult SD that the question of who's footing the bulk of the bills has an effect. If you don't feel comfortable sharing this info with them ---or don't feel you should have to--- that's fine, but bear in mind that their perceptions of you WILL be based to a large extent on how much they see you as a "taker" or a "giver" in your relationship with their father and with them. (As will your perception of them be based in large part on how much "taking" they seem to do. It's really the same principle in any relationship, family or friend, if you really think about it). So the choice is yours: share a bit more info than you think you ought to, or risk a series of deep resentments (on all sides!!!) based on misunderstanding and lack of commuication about the truth."

I do disagree somewhat about how to let them know -- Cancer is a painful, draining illness, and the financial drain can be nearly as huge as the emotional drain. Personally, I think a direct and factual talk from Dad is in order. I think it NEEDS to come from Dad, and if he won't do it -- well, then my opinion of him would change.

Hubby needs to flat-out tell his kids that their mother's illness and their own spending habits (during a time when budgeting was the last thing on everyone's mind) wiped out their financial security. Period. Point-blank. That he's not proud of it, (embarassed in fact) and that he's tried to hide the financial strain from them so they'd have one less thing to worry about. But that now, in retrospect, he sees that this wasn't really a good idea. That they're adults. They're a family. And that they're all in this together.

THEN on to what a Godsend you've been. Emotionally. Logistically. And financially. And that while they're still less well-off than the kids probably thought, they're MUCH better off than they were before you came into the picture. If it's true, he might consider telling tham that without your financial assistance, there could not have been any cars, any house, or any cell phones.

While they don't need to know all of the nitty-gritty details, IMO, it's important for teenage-and-older kids to have a realistic idea of their parents' financial positions. A little belt-tightening is GOOD for a young adult -- but it's generally resented if it's not understood to be necessary.

In this case, it's necessary. And you're baring the brunt of the resentment -- and that's totally unfair.

It seems like a few people are suggesting two different standards of living for the two different sets of kids living in the same household?

Yikes! I can't imaging anything more likely to breed resentment than that...

Sweeby--- Good points about Dad telling them directly and the "we're all in this together" attitude. That would go a looooong way in helping calm any anxieties/resentments the SK's are having if the situation seems to them more like "Dad & SM against us". That really is a huge, huge thing. It makes a lot of sense, too, because you WANT the kids to grow up to be the kind of people who WANT to pitch in and help when times are rough, who have a good attitude about doing so b/c they don't associate it with duress.

The difficulty of the "two standards of living"... Yep, that *IS* a potentially prickly issue....

I am not sure I understand. Could you please elaborate on the two standards of living thing just so I catch on. Thanks so much. I do not want to be misunderstood.

Thanks so much, I appreciate all the great advice.

Two standards of living would be steak for your kids, macaroni and cheese for his; Abercrombie for your kids, Old Navy for his; horseback riding lessons for your kids, 'go walk' for his...

They think that all the money came from their dad. He won't tell them, so they blame me for the sudden "selfish changes" their dad has made. He just recently told 23 and 21 year old it is time to pay their own cell phone and car insurance and the you know what hit the fan. They boycotted my 9 year olds birthday because of it.

I would not stand for this for one more minute. Your husband is essentially sacrificing you. You called it "ashamed", but in reality it is a combination of his ego and his insecurities that have allowed him to decide that instead of being HONEST with his children, and APPRECIATING all you have done, it is easier and acceptable to him to throw you to the wolves. Even if you didn't bail him out, allowing his children to show you and their step siblings so little respect is bad enough.

Really, this is just unacceptable. He KNOWS that they are blaming you, yet he continues to let them think that you are the bad guy. The birthday party boycott is especially disgusting. He needs to put on his big boy pants and have an honest discussion with his children, and you need to insist that he does this NOW. As uncomfortable as that might be for you, which I am assuming it is, since you haven't forced the issue yet, you must do this. Otherwise you will spin out your life in this turmoil that you do not deserve, and you will continue to do a disservice to your own children, who are not only being slighted because they are apparently working/acting like human beings for what they get, but they are also witnessing their mother being taken advantage of and abused.

Thanks for clarifying and actually, the opposite is happening. my kids get nothing and his get a lot more because they demand it. they have been to paris and disney with us paying for it and not going ourselves, multiple times,and my kids have never been outside of the carolinas. they do not ever take no for an answer so eventually we give in to keep the peace. they say it is our job to give them all these things. i want it equal, but is not, The fact that I am paying for it but one day may not be able to is more than disconcerning to me. I am not rich or even comfortable, and cant afford this pace. My husband and I may never be able to retire. I wish it was not a my kid your kid thing. All of our kids have been through a lot.

I'ld like to think I would have never ended up in this position in the first place. I think at this point you should tell DH:

1. You two need to reach an agreement re money. You will allow him to live in your house, and the two will share food, etc (I assume he has enought to cover that). If you have a mortgage and expect him to help, then he realistically should ask for a share of house.

2. You want him to sign a post-nuptial agreement, agreeing that he does not own house, and that he will pay back any loans. Do that becuase otherwise you are running a risk that the longer this marriage goes on, the more he is going to want and get upon divorce.

3. You will not give any more to his kids, until you rebuild your kids college funds and your own retirment.

Good luck.

Beachbound, I have not, maybe I missed it? heard any body mention YOUR kids lost their dad too....What is all the pity for the mom of HIS kids , and not yours, as you ve been so good and helpful finacially? Your DH should stop hiding behind your financial skirt and tell these kids.... Over......I dont get any kids , under the cloak of I lost my mom /dad I need my fair share, geez...No.....And I have had 2 nieces and 2 nephews who have lost the parents early on , grammar school years, but they didnt expect to get finacially compensated for it......By holding anyone hostage ....to their demands......Good luck, but your DH should stop being embarrassed and tell them the truth....

Dotz, itd kinda clear OPs DH isnt going to do anything to help the situation without prodding. Lets help OP come up with an action plan. I dont care if you dont agree with mine, but lets all give her some concrete ideas.

Um, I think we kinda said the same thing, right up to the point where you lost me, get the papers for the inevitable divorce, cuz she s the second wife, and we all know how those marriages end up.....

I never suggested a divorce, I suggested that OP protect herself financially, but with specific acts.

Well -- If Hubby won't tell his kids the financial facts of life for your family, then IMO, it's up to YOU to do it.
SOMEBODY has to, and SOON.

Pick one of his kids at the right moment and know that that kid will tell the others. (This is hot news on the family circuit!)
Explain that Daddy is embarassed and really should have said something, but here's the reality of the situation.

Then spell it out.
Black and white.
No holds barred.

The next time a major request comes in, your answer should be something along the lines of "That sounds wonderful -- and as soon as our financial security is rebuilt, we'll be able to start considering non-essential requests like that again."

If Hubby won't cooperate with a sensible joint spending plan, then I'm afraid KK's right to "protect yourself".

Just because he's lost his wife doesn't mean he's not a spendthrift.

I agree with KKNY. Beach really needs to have a talk with hubby about finances and as icky as it may be, she really needs to think about protecting herself (post-nup) in the event of a divorce because she has so much to lose. This doesn't mean that there will be a divorce, but she really needs to have her two son's best interest always in mind. It would be really tragic if something did happen, either divorce or the death of husband, and she had to give half of everything to either him or SK's, especially after all of the current financial support she has provided. The money she has been so generous with was saved by her and late husband. The life insurance $$ is suppose to pay for college for her children.

I'm getting married next month, he has two kids and I have none. I put myself through school once, started my own business and made a lot of personal sacrifices to have what I have. I am still working and in school again - studying Tradition Chinese Medicine and I have a few more years before I am finished. I will be in my fifties (I'm a late bloomer) when it's all said and done. My friends all urged me to do a pre-nup because I have more to lose. I felt very uncomfortable about it, but then I really thought about my house and retirement money and savings (which is paying for my education)...I did the unthinkable and protected myself. He was not offend and I don't think that we will get divorced, but one never knows what might happen.

I think KK offered very practical advice. This man just strikes me as a cowardly user, and I'm ashamed for him. Without some hard and fast reasons to change, why should he? His life is made easier by not dealing with his kids because he's dealing out of your wallet. Time to tighten the purse strings. What ever happened to equality? He can only take as much as you are willing to give, so it's time you stood up straight, squared your shoulders and said NO. It's time for the truth to come out, expectations to be reasonable, treatments equal and respect given. Until then, the Bank of Beachbound is closed.

Then grab your kids and take them on a vacation. They deserve it.

I agree with Sweeby, Martha and KKNY

Protect yourself and your children financially. I feel for your husbands situation. It is also sad that your SK's have lost their mother. Even so, you can't allow yourself and your children to go down with the ship, hon.

Trips to Paris and Disney? Really? Sounds a bit excessive. The foot needs to be planted. Dad can either tell them the facts or YOU need to tell them. Don't be nasty but don't beat around the bush either. State the facts and state how it's going to be form now on. You are holding the purse strings....you make the calls where this is concerned. Do not feel bullied into going bankrupt!

Get a pre-nump for sure. The fruit may be hanging out close to the tree.....