Silver Quite interesting reading. I have thought about EX and how he must feel about DD, or any woman that has been in his life. I do understand the conceptual thinking behind the term "limerance". I had a man that I felt that way about once. I never told him, figuring that if he felt anything for me he would approach me. There were a few mixed signals, I thought but he never made an attempt that was something that I knew for sure showed he was interested in me. He had enough chances to do that and he didn't. He thought of me as a friend or sister I guess. Or he would have gone for a little "roll in the hay" if I would have. He even introduced me to a girlfriend that he began dating and ended up getting her pregnant and they later married. Ouch! With EX's past ( if what he has said is true ) he undoubtedly has great fear of rejection. Again, if what he says is true, he wanted my DD to stay with him, build a future with him and he wanted a family with us. There are too many things though that are negatives to the success of their relationship that he is completely out of touch with which makes me think that he has a break with normal thought processes. This is evident with other actions...his extensive lying and his criminal behavior. My DD did not want to marry or have children ( my goodness, she is only 20 ) and he did. Very much in fact. I don't know that she will ever change her mind but he had said that he would rather have had her and no kids than to not have her at all. I don't know that it would have been something he could have easily lived with though. The age difference is something that was too vast....11 years...when dealing with her age group. Had they met when she was in her 30's or 40's or older then it would not have been as big a deal. I am sorry for him when it comes to honest, heartfelt feelings that he might have had for my DD. The fact that he could install such fear ( and continues to do so ) and the fact that he has told so many lies negates all of that though. It sucks to be rejected. Our family histories have a lot to do with whether or not we can process the rejection in a healthy way. Most of us have been and some of us have stepped over a line while dealing with it that we cringe at after having healed a bit. It is important to teach our kids that when they deal with peers or a romantic interest people have a right to reject them. In the long run it is for the best. I don't know how much EX has control over when it comes to his emotions about the breakup. I am sorry that I can't talk to him. It just can't happen. I want him to get help and to go onto have a happy life. More importantly though I want him to leave my DD alone and let her move on. Thanks for the thread and the link Silversword.

Don't waste your time ladies and gent.... She knows her BF is a deadbeat and she supports him. I wanted to say the same thing so badly. Life together, Quirk stated "you get to see how your partner parents. Not how they say they plan to parent, but how they actually do parent." Why are there not enough clues for you? It is all these types of things that happen over time you get to see and scrutinize to determine if this is the kind of person you want to plan a life with. What you are doing is deciding you want a deadbeat dad for your own child(ren); you are deciding that for your own children, you want not only a deadbeat dad but one who is emotionally abusive to them and to you; you are deciding you want a man who is so controlling you stay confused most of your life and there is no way you can possibly do anything right because he finds something wrong with everything (the subject of his daughter is only the tip of the iceberg); you are deciding you want a man who does not consider your time, your feelings, or your existence as a human being who deserves any kind of respect; you are deciding you want a man who use his passive/aggressive tactics to constantly keep you feeling guilty and make you think you are the one always in the wrong; you are deciding you want a man who will bad mouth you to your children, family, and friends. You are not special. You only fool yourself into thinking you are because you are the person with him and you just loooooove 'im. But when the two of you break up (unless you take his abuse for the rest of your life), you will see him do the exact same things he has done to his ex and his daughter. With each of your subsequent posts, you make clearer the things you stated prior. I don't know why we have to pull your teeth because some of the initial posts have lacked information we would need to in order to satisfy what you expect from us. They also made you look like the bad guy. A little of that part I still question but really think those circumstances were created out of your desperation to finally do something that pleases him - a man who cannot be pleased. But this is getting worse by the word. Sylviatexas had him pegged from the beginning. LOL I should have known better than to second guess her. There is nothing to figure. There is nothing to try an remedy. There is nothing to talk to him about to try to straighten out. The only thing for you to do is decide to stay (all the things you are deciding you want) or go. But that was never your question, was it? You already said you don't want to leave. Therefore, I hope you are able to eek out a happy life and smile through the misery.

Sorry guys - we went on a camping trip for the week. It was SOOO nice to be away from cell phones, texting and drama for a while! So lets see . . . SD and I have deep talks about boys, sex, responsibility, pressure, priorities - you name it - ALL the time! It's pretty much a nightly standard - we both look forward to it. It's difficult though - she knows all the 'right' things and can talk and agree with me on all the 'right' things, but when it comes down to it I don't really believe that she will do the 'right' things. The 'wrong' things can be so much more fun and so much more in sync with what everyone else is doing, and at the end of the day I don't know that all my talking and explaining will keep her from going down the path of her mom. I guess this is a standard concern every parent has, but it's so much more in my face because of her mom's example. With regard to SD's sister - yes, we are very worried. We're trying to come up with a way to alert her father as to what is happening without throwing SD under the bus at the same time. More to hopefully come on that. Yes, SD is there for a week at a time for summer break. She is already talking about not wanting to be there for extended weekends once school starts, but mom isn't so thrilled about that. We could attempt to go back to court for it, but I'm hoping once BM gets tired of the driving and SD's complaining things will work out that way naturally. SOOOO - fast forward to today. DH and I met with BM to talk about SD's abundance of time with her (SD's) boyfriend and share our concerns about things we've learned/noticed about him. That part went okay - BM didn't really 'get it' until we started talking, but I think we made our points. Then DH broached BM's dating and pulling SD (and her sister) into it so early on. BM totally doesn't get it. She thought it would be best to let SD decide when she wanted to meet the new men. DH said no - this isn't a choice for her to make. It's not safe, it's not setting a good example. etc. I explained further than SD will look to her mom on dating since I am not, so we want to make sure she has a good picture of appropriate for age 14 dating. BM kind of laughed that she could be the what not to do role model, and I replied maybe SD doesn't need to meet all the 'misses' and just meet the 'hit' when you KNOW that he is - then she wouldn't have an idea that BM was doing something 'not to do.' BM thoughtfully seemed to agree with that. OH - I forgot to mention. Since last Monday - 7 days ago - BM dumped the guy from the weekend, met a new guy online and has seen him three times already - already took her other daughter to the zoo with his kids. Her theory, as she told us, is that her daughters are her world so she wants a potential BF to meet them right away. GOOD FREAKIN' GRIEF - seriously?? How about sheltering them from your need to get your hump on? Though the talk ended on a good note, she was understandably a bit put off. It wasn't easy to bring up her dating life, and we treaded very lightly. What left DH and I shaking our heads is how clueless and self centered she is . . . and the fact that she will NEVER see that. Just to listen to her is mind blowing. Me Me ME! I guess I feel a little better, but I know BM won't change. At least now we can tell a judge we tried if it comes to it. I just worry every day about what SD will pick up from her, and what I don't even know about that I can't counter-attack. Teen age girls are hard enough - teen age girls with a suddenly trampy, self centered mom are hell!! :)

I'd be concerned about his alcohol consumption but I disagree that he will 'turn' on the younger kids when they get older. They have been around him since they were little and it's more likely they have always been accepting of him, where as the older child was already in a difficult situation of being fatherless and watching her younger siblings enjoy a relationship with their father. Step dad enters the picture and 10 year old daughter that is already dealing with issues of being abandoned by dad/or lack of dad's involvement, now has a step dad that takes away mom's time & attention... younger siblings like him and everyone is happy about the situations, except 10 yr. old. Her lack of acceptance of step dad may put step dad off, they end up in a situation where they both look for reasons to dislike each other and criticize one another. Both are 'competing' for mom's attention. and if the problems have been ignored for six years, or at least unresolved, then it is going to escalate as she becomes a rebellious teenager. That is where they are now. I'm guessing that OP has tried to resolved the issues since she says they thought this had all been worked out before they got married. It's an ongoing issue for the daughter & step dad and probably won't be resolved completely... it's something they will have to continue to work on until the girl is grown. If his alcohol consumption has increased since the marriage, it's a sign that he is using alcohol to deal with the stress of the family situation. That issue needs to be addressed first. If he isn't willing to get help for an alcohol problem, then it's a no brainer. He should not be around her kids. Allowing him to be around her kids while abusing alcohol is choosing him over her kids. The kids are being harmed by it. I stand by my suggestion that SD16 needs to deal with the issue of her dad not being in her life. Whether her step dad is there or not, she needs to deal with her feelings on her own dad, otherwise she may end up having difficulty in her own adult relationships.