How much responsibility should I take for boyfriends child?
lifetogether
14 years ago
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deborah_ps
14 years agolast modified: 9 years agolovehadley
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Does a boyfriend's child get in the way of love?
Comments (53)Hi everyone. This is my first time posting here. I was incredibly relieved to find this discussion, as while my friends and family are very supportive and attempt to be helpful, none have any experience whatsoever with being in a relationship with someone with children. Okay, here it goes: I am a 30-year-old woman who is in a 4 and a half year relationship with a wonderful, brilliant, kind, successful 42-year-old man who I connect with in more ways than I can count. I met him when I was 25, and his two daughters were 11 and 16. He has sole custody of them, and went through a long and painful court battle to win custody (this was prior to our meeting). Their mother is abusive, manipulative, and completely insane, and they don't have much contact with her. I have been fortunate enough to not have had contact with her because of her minimal contact with the kids and the fact that she and my boyfriend completely ignore one another (he has made several attempts to stay on good terms with her, but she only seems interested in using the kids to hurt him. They themselves have even asserted this. I try to remain neutral when they tell me such things). The extra-complicated part in all of this is that their relationship began when he was just 15 years old, and she was 27. He came from an abusive home and ended up in a relationship with this sick person (who is obviously also a pedophile). Fortunately, he had the sense to get out, but not before he had two children with her. I met the kids almost immediately when we started dating (big mistake), and even though they liked me and I liked them and we got along quite well, we absolutely should've spent more time developing a strong foundation between us beforehand. I tried my hardest to be considerate, kind, and caring without being overbearing or attempting to assume a parental role (as I am just 9 years older than his eldest). We did most things together, and after awhile, I found myself feeling quite stressed out about the lack of adult time with my boyfriend. We made more of an effort to do that, and things seemed to be going well for awhile, but he then began to ask about my moving in with him. I explained that while I loved him, I didn't think I was yet ready to, a), move in with someone, and b), move in with someone and their children (he is also my first long-term relationship, and I have never lived with anyone). In addition to the marriage to the mother of his children, he had a brief (6-month) marriage that ended about 6 months before we met, so he is quite comfortable with the idea of living with someone. A few years ago, he began having some major issues with his youngest(who is now 16). Since then, she's been hospitalized for cutting and suicidal thoughts, has abused heroine and been involved in prostitution, has spread malicious lies about my boyfriend, and is now dating an equally disturbed young man whom she was forbidden to see when my boyfriend found out that this boy was emotionally abusive. The boy then threatened my boyfriend's life for cutting off his contact with the daughter, and she still wanted to be with him. She then went to her mother's (who she never sees and never wants to see), who allows her to see the abusive boyfriend, and who we found out tried to lure her to live with her by telling her that she and the abusive boyfriend can move in with her when they're 18, and has completely turned her back on my boyfriend, who is the most kind, loving father I've ever known. This was about 2 months ago, and she refuses to receive phone calls from him or see him, and her mother doesn't encourage her to repair her relationship with her father (and I assume she is actually enjoying knowing he's in pain because of how sick she is). My mind is absolutely blown by this (even as I write this, I am in utter shock and disbelief as to how crazy things have become with her and can't imagine how any of this would look to an outsider), and I am utterly brokenhearted to see my boyfriend in all of this pain over this very sick child. Her sister, the 21-year-old, has completely written her off, and has told me that she thinks there has always been something deeply wrong with her sister, but that she was always afraid to tell her father for fear of him being upset with her. Because it was always just the three of them, she worried that telling her father about her sister's behavior when he wasn't around would disrupt the family unit. Their mother was diagnosed by several court-appointed counselors as schizophrenic with borderline personality disorder, and we fear that this is what's happening with the youngest. I have tried my very hardest to be supportive and loving during this incredibly challenging time. My boyfriend cannot sleep, is having a hard time focusing at his clinic, and is completely depressed. As he has been pushing the idea of us living together for awhile now, this incident made me realize how important it is that I be there living with him (I am currently there 3-4 days/week), and I told him that I am seriously thinking about moving in together. His response was that he thinks that I am just happy that his daughter is gone, and that that is what prompted my desire to move in, which is not the case at all--I would much rather see her home and healthy, but I also pointed out to him that all she has caused him is pain for the past 3 years, and that maybe he does need a break from all this and maybe she needs to sort things out on her own, as he has done all he can to support and love her. He also pointed out that his 21-year-old is planning on moving out soon and thinks that I only want to move in because of that coupled with the youngest being gone. I will admit that I have expressed concern about the 21-year-old, mainly because she still doesn't have a license and still wants to spend every living, breathing moment with her father and has never dated, and even has to be right at his side at all times when in public (both kids reacted differently to their mother's abuse--one rebelled, the other hides from the world). Still, I like her very much and enjoy spending time with her, but do think it would benefit both of them for her to get out on her own and begin to form a separate identity. This brings me back to the living together situation; my boyfriend also lives in a wealthy suburb that was a court-mandated part of the custody arrangement because the judge thought it best that the students remain in the prestigious school system there, so he is living where he is for the 16 year old. I currently live in the artsy part of the city, and am reluctant to move into the suburbs with him to wait for his rebellious daughter to return. He asked how I would feel if I moved in with him and she moved back in. I said it would be hard, but that I would support his decision. I also told him that it has been incredibly hard to see her hurt him like this over and over, and that I think it might be best for her to learn things the hard way right now. He was incredibly hurt by that, and said that what I was saying was because I never fully bonded with the kids (I've done my best!). So I am at a crossroads. I can give up my fantastic apartment in a thriving art community (I am an artist) to move to the suburbs to wait for this terrible child to decide to move back in with him, or I might lose him (he is pushing me to make a decision). On one hand, I realize that it's just an apartment and a location and that my lifestyle would change. On the other hand, I worry about completely losing myself and becoming more and more steeped in the complete chaos of his relationship with his extraordinarily damaged daughter who keeps hurting him. I love him more than I ever thought possible, and don't want to lose him, but know I must make a decision. If you got this far, thank you for reading, and if you feel so inclined, please, I need some advice, and don't hold back....See MoreShould I leave my boyfriend?
Comments (25)sorry this is a long vent... Fingernails: aye, yes and it was difficult. his birthday so i agreed to go out one last time, i'm going away on business soon anyway so i felt like that would protect and reinforce that not seeing each other until that list is finished... i know it was screwed up to go out with him but somehow i really feel like everyone deserves a nice birthday... but then he wanted to "talk" about that list, started going over it, like "ok well, the thing about meeting with his teacher every week.... can you go with me? and, i don't know if every week is going to be possible, i mean, she might get really annoyed." I said "well, hello, i mean it just means contact once a week to get her observations on him... so after the first meeting or two in which you explain the situation you can just call her once a week." Reasonable, no? I mean, wouldn't any teacher have sympathy for a single father who appraoches her saying he's struggling and needs her feedback? But then he still wanted me to go with him... my heart was torn but I was like "no, listen, it doesn't sound like you really want to do this stuff on this list. if you don't agree with it, if you don't think you're at crisis point enough to tell the teacher, hey listen sorry Ms. Teacher to be bugging you, i'm only doing it because i'm at wit's end over my son" ... well if you don't think you're at crisis point yet that you're still worrying about what she'll be annoyed with and what she thinks about you... then you're just not ready. (And besides, I mean wouldn't it be strange for me as girlfriend to go along to such a meeting? it's not my kid! Plus not so much teacher's impression but my point that BF should be doing this stuff HIMSELF! though later i thought, maybe he's worried she'll think he's coming on to her and that's why he wants me along... and then i felt bad for refusing) Then he wanted to move on to the other stuff, and I sensed he was trying to turn it into some kind of bargaining session. He was like "hmmm maybe I can do 60% or 80% of this but not all..." Remember the list was: going to family therapy 8 sessions, hiring a baby-sitter every single time we go out, talking to boy's teacher once a week, reading 5 books on parenting, my ex getting a real bed for himself and sleeping in the second bedroom not in the living room.... I thought "what on earth?! an ultimatum is an ultimatum! this is not negotiable!" Like him saying "oh maybe it's going to be hard to get a baby-sitter, i mean if it were a regular job fine, but it would be hard to get someone say for the weekend if we go away, especially if it's only occasionally. (in the ultimatum it said, OR the child just comes along! simple no?) I blew my top then, not literally but just said "hey it doesn't really sound like you're ready to make real changes so whatever... it's your call..." which unfortunatley turned into this long coversation on whether he is truly ready, etc... at which point i said "listen there are some deep underlying issues here which i don't think it's good to hear about from someone like me, we're too close, but a therapist could help you figure it out reasonably quick if it's a good one." At which point he says "yeah well actually i'm thinking more about calling my cousin who's a pediatrician... " at which point i thought "great a pediatrician is really going to help you figure out your parenting... especially if it's your relative who needs to stay on good terms with you!" but i humored him adn said "that sounds like a great start, ask her opinion about the situatin, maybe ask her if she things family therapy would help" but then he continues "because you know she met my son a couple years ago, spent a day with us, and she told me she thought my son was going to have problems." INside i'm like "what the #$%$#!!! a professional told you that, two years ago, and you never followed up on that?! You never asked her why she thought that, and what you could do about it? I sure as heck would be concerned if a pediatrician told me that. I'd ask a thousand questions and call that person whenever problems did happen!" More and more I just can't believe this guy! we left with me saying "ok well call me way way down the road, and if and only if there have been radical changes." which he kind of took to mean never. so in that sense my ultimatum has failed, it seems by saying i wasn't going to budge on it and wasn't going to go with him to see teacher, like he gave up... I feel bad but I think I have to save my sanity no? Thanks all for just letting me vent. Sorry to have taken up so much of everyone's time!...See MoreNeeds Advice-How can I cope with my boyfriend having a child
Comments (61)I don't know -- I married a man that was never married and had no children and it has been drama free bliss! Just because I was married and had children does not mean that I MUST be a stepmom NOW. I chose not to be a stepmom for this simple reason. If OP was a mom, it would not change the BM in her life. it wouldn't help her to understand either. My ex's new wife is a divorced mom and she is the crazy one. I've heard from my Dd that she is a crazy BM too. I have no idea although I can't imagine her ever being sane anyway. I think your advice is great for a person who enjoys being #1 and wants to be the first wife and the first mom and the first of everything. But that isn't how everyone is. I AM THAT way! I did not want to deal with someone else's kids and someone else's baby momma. That's just me being honest. I dated this guy once that did have kids. He was divorced but his ex lived on the other side of the country. She was never a problem for me. This was when I made my 'no ex or kids' rule. But the guy was always talking trash about the mother of his children. She was a B or she was a Wh09e or she was spending his child support on a new car, this and that. I would get so mad at him. Why? Because I was a mom and these same complaints were being said about me. They could have been in a 'hate my ex' club together. He would go on and on about how he never loved her and that they were young and dumb and she for pregnant on the pill etc. And this was a man that I really really liked. But the more he talked the less I respected him and felt sorry for his ex wife. No one should use the young and dumb or drunk excuse when talking about how they conceived their children. I realized that I had become that ex that men complain about and place blame on AND that I could be her AGAIN with this new guy. Because he could not stop talking trash about her I wondered what he would say about me when we split!! I also just told my husband, do you realize I trapped you into pregnancy? Lol he said WHAT? I said remember how I was on birth control but I had gotten strep throat and received a shot of penicillin? He said ya and your BC didn't work anymore that month Yea I remember. I said 'and do you remember how drunk I was that night?' he said nope cause I don't remember it myself. Lol yes my son was conceived on birth control, on the night of our company christmas party when I was suffering from the worst case of strep EVER!! I hope he tells his second wife what a wh09e I was for trapping him into having our first son. Lol it will be a riot!! Any woman that sits back and listens to that garbage and still respects the man enough to marry him and have more children with him, better hope she never ends up being his ex....See MoreI just found out my boyfriend has a daughter...
Comments (10)Welcome to this board! It is really such a great tool in keeping my sanity as a stepmom! The advice I give you is to really take things slowly and think about the worst case scenerio and decide if it is something you can live with. My hubby has sole custody of my 3 stepkids. But we can not erase her from our existance. She has moved out of state 3 times and come back only to leave again. Each time taking a piece of the kids happiness with her. She has made plans with them and stood them up without so much as a phone call. She has been gone 8 months now without as much as a phone call. We have no idea where she is living or how to get a hold of her. Her family knows which state she is in---which is no longer the same state as us, but that is about it. They can't even contact her! Each time she reappears with promises to the kids, which she does not fill. Then we are left picking up the pieces. At times the kids lash out at us because they are upset with her. But then they will talk to her on the phone and be nice as pie because they fear that she will disappear again if they don't. Its horrible to watch. So sole custody isn't a fairy tale ending. OR you could have a situation like justnotmartha or imamommy where the ex makes everything a fight. Imamommy has been in and out of court with her hubby and his ex. That can get costly. You could have a situation like doodleboo where the kids mom is a druggie and has bad boyfriends that you don't want the child around. You could have a situation like lovehadley where the mom is violent and drunk and uses the child as a weapon and excuse for everything. There is no easy part of stepparenting. Its twice the work of regular parenting and a very thankless job! Would I go back and never have married my hubby? NO WAY! I love him and the children. But I will not lie to you and tell you this was an easy road. It has been a struggle at times. And we have argued over the children and his ex. But we are always able to talk things out. Great communication is the key to success in any relationship, but more so in a stepfamily situation. I wish you a lot of luck and I encourage you to do a search on the posters I have mentioned and on my self on here to read some of our posts and what we have gone through. I also encourage you to come here often for advice or just to vent or share stories....See Morethermometer
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