Kathline, I agree with most of you said. The time to build up trust and a teens self-esteem is before she hits 15. Dont sweat the small stuff. Try to find activities that play to her strengths and interests. Most of all be an adult. Yes you want to help raise a caring considersate person. But focus first on how she relates to peers, teachers, etc. Put your feelings on the back burner.

Well, my mom had a very good approach with all of us...
We knew the facts and logistics of sex long before puberty.
When we were early teens, mom told us that when we start having sex is up to us, so they wouldn't be upset with us, whenever we decided. However, sex has consequences (and they were spelled out much like Kathline said) so we need to be mature enough to consider these consequences and use the pill and condoms.
She also told us that sex is special and she really wants us to only share it with people who are special to us. Sometimes people will try to convince you that they are special, in order to get you to have sex with them, so you need to be smart enough to know who is worth is and who isn't.

We were STRONGLY encouraged to have our friends and dates over to the house. We had to ask first, to be sure, but we were always allowed to have "parties" with lots of friends over on the weekend. My mom would rather spend $20 on chips and pop for us, but get to meet all our friends, than not deal with the noise or mess, but not know who we were hanging out with.
Our dates were allowed over at any hour, and welcome on family outings or trips. We weren't allowed in our rooms with the doors closed with our dates... But after I'd been with my high school BF for a year, they loosened up on that for me.

My mom figured that if we were allowed to date and not forbidden to have sex, but provided with the information and support to help us make good decision, we would make good decisions.
I guess it worked because I didn't drink until I was 16, have never done any drugs, was with my nice HS BF for a year and a half and never slept with him, and started having sex when I was 17, in grade twelve and had a nice BF I spent two and a half years with.
My siblings all were quite similar... My brothers had alcohol a little earlier, and one of them smoked pot sometimes, but we all had fairly similar teen patterns.

My kids didn't date until they were in college, and the majority of their friends did not, either. They had groups of friends of both sexes, but there was little pairing up. It was the same way when I was in high school.

You can't drive with someone unrelated in the car until you are at least 17 in my state, and a lot of kids are seniors in high school by then, so you pretty much have to have a chaperone in the vehicle during most of high school. Even if you happen to have a gf/bf who is home alone because their parent(s) work, the chance that they are going to be within walking distance is pretty slim, and I can't remember the last time I saw a high school kid riding a bike in my town.

Most of the high school kids I know do a lot of their socializing with each other by cell phone or on Facebook - and you can't get pregnant over the Internet.

not to get off on a tangent and you definately dont have to answer this question but TOS ... if you dont mind.. what state do you live in?

Massachusetts

the only reason why I ask is because of the drastic difference between ... mmmm. I guess social norms would be the words I am looking for .. from what you describe and what I have experienced in my own state. And, to be honest I really wouldnt expect there to be that much of a difference but apparently I am completely wrong.

DD did not date in high school (and yes she is social and no she is not ugly lol). Had a lot of nice friends. None of her close friends seriously dated in high school (only one did whose mom was a psycho controlling you know who). They had maybe some dates here and there but nothing major. DD did not own a car but all of her friends did so she rode with them.

I never limited DD's time with friends or if she would be dating. She had no curfew. She just had to call so i don't worry. I trusted her. And she is not party animal. DD's best friend is a guy and they sometimes had to act as each other dates under the circusmstances. Like he was her prom date. But not a date in a romantic sense.

My solution to eliminate bad experiences was to put DD into a magnet all IB school (one of the best schools in the US). I had to move to make sure she attends it. I wanted her to only be around high standard children from good families. All of her friends were exceptionally safe and upstanding children. They trully are exceptional. They were also extremelly studious (DD is not as much) so they could not run around to wild parties. They were too busy. Like her best friend now attending Harvard (no not DD lol). But you got the message.

As about sex, yes, i talked to DD about sex in rather early age. I also talked about being selective in relatiosnhips. She is selective now, does not date low life.

Some of the information about sex and relationships i gave her came handy but some probably never will. But we never know.

You all had some great advice. I hope that all my kids have the same high school experiences as TOS and Finedreams, as far as not much dating.

When I was in high school there was lots of dating in all social statuses. I lived in an area that was majority middle class. My school incorporated a lot of middle class and upper class as well as a little lower class. The cheerleaders and football players--who were a lot of middle and upper class kids seemed to all date eachother. I was on swimming and a lot of the guys and girls on my team dated.

I began a friendship with my sons dad freshman year of high school and sophmore year we began dating. We were both in sports and had lots of practices but somehow found time to date and go to eachothers games and meets. We lived within walking distance of eachother and the school.

mom2emall, dating in high school is typical here as well. Everyone is dating in high school. DD is not a typical example. I do not know about TOS's kids.

Maybe it would be different if DD and her friends would be heterosexuals. DD is gay, so are most if not all of her close friends. So it is obvious it is a bit more complicated when it comes to dating for numbers of reasons.

it is not a surprise that all of them got into full blown serious relationships as soon as they started college (no one lives at home).

Most of my kids' friends are straight, so I don't know that that has anything to do with it. I don't know if the cheerleaders and "jocks" date - I just asked my daughter if the high school she has attended for two years even has a football team, and she said, yes, she thinks so. Apparently it doesn't play much of a role in her life. My kids' friends are more likely to be in the science club than on the football team (if there is one).

I can relate, TOS. DD's school had no sport teams and no cheerleaders. If one wanted to do sports they had to go to their local public school. Or if they did sports it was outside the school. DD did horsebackriding during high school. There was no dating game involved there. Not very dating inducing athmosphere in a stable. haha

My comment was that in general homosexuals have harder time finding a date especially at a high school age.

On the other hand TOS i have to say that intelligent children often date too. Even science club could be a place to meet other intelligent kids. If DD and her friend were heterosexuals they would possibly date each other. What the nicest young man.

My DD goes to a very highly rated, but local (ie anyone who lives here can go there). There are about 125 students in each grade, and there are football, soccer, baseball (I think softball for the girls), lacrosse, cross country, track, swimming, etc etc etc and every activity known to man. She doesnt really date, but hangs out with friends.

I am glad that most of my kids' friends mostly got together as a group, rather than pairing up in high school. College is soon enough to date. Or maybe too soon.

I started talking with my kids when they were small. I talked to them most when they were in Jr. High because there were 'stories' that I heard at work (social services) about kids their age playing sex games at school. My kids confirmed that some of that stuff goes on... where kids are giving each other oral sex for recreation. They didn't consider themselves boyfriend/girlfriend and didn't consider it sex if it was oral. It was one of the deciding factors in leaving the area, the County we were in had the highest teen pregnancy rate (per capita) in the state. I was seeing that in cases I worked and even now, my kids tell me that almost all of their friends from that time have either had a baby in high school, involved in drugs (some both) or dead from drugs or car accidents. Very few have finished high school and gone to college. Makes me glad I talked a lot to my kids and left. We moved to an affluent area and even here, the kids say there is some of that activity but not as much. The major difference is back where we used to live, the families were primarily single parent households and not a lot of supervision. Here, the parents aren't supervising because they are busy with high paying careers that keep them too busy to supervise the kids and some of these kids are more able to do what they want because they've been given cars, credit cards, and too much freedom. The common denominator is lack of parental involvement or supervision.

My sons didn't date in high school. My younger son let his grades slide in his third semester of college because he really liked a girl in some of his classes. She got him to buy her things and give her rides to school every day and kinda led him on, then midway through the semester, they got a job together and she started dating a guy from work. Then he had to go to school AND work with her and he was crushed/felt used. He is going back to school next week and doesn't want to think about girls until he graduates.

My older son didn't have a girlfriend until he was just out of high school. My daughter is also not interested in finding a boyfriend or dating and she just graduated high school. My step daughter is 9 and breaks her neck looking at any guy she sees and thinks they are all (teenage and older guys) checking her out. We've talked to her about priorities and self respect but she still gets all crazy when she's around ANY guy. We can probably talk to her until we're blue, but she has modeled after her mom that likes to be a flirty party girl and needs to have a man in her life to feel good about herself. We'll continue talking to SD about it and hope some of it sinks in, but as she gets older, only time will tell if she'll be receptive to the message her dad wants her to get. For that reason, DH and I are dreading her high school years.