mom1sm2, I agree that discipline depends on the stepfamilies situation and age of SKs.
I came into my DHs life when SKs were older and they would of resented me doing any disciplinary acts. DH did all the disciplineing. Good insight on your part about this subject. I too always wondered where Dr Phil was coming from on this one. I can tell he has never been a SM to young children.

I also completely agree on that. If the SKs are older there is resentment and it also depends on the situation.
My SD was turning 7 when i met her and i do not discipline her , i let her father do this. But i do tellher how i feel and if she insults me i will also tell her off. I have no holdbacks on this and she knows very well where i stand with anyone who disrespects me. It was only 2 months ago where she spoke back and i kindly put her in her place. She responded like a baby and ran to her father. And her father also reminded her about respect. She's fine since then.
As for my SS. He was 3 years old when i came into the picture. And for whatever reason, he will not listen to his father. He listens to me when i ask him to do something. It really strikes me odd. I will also not discipline him but he's a very easy going kid and really doesn't have chip on his shoulder like his sister. when younger there was jealousy with the baby but we explained he was now the older brother and we made him feel important while his mother would remind him he is no longer the baby and father wont love you as much...pretty low eh?
I think there is some emotions happening with your SD and she needs space to sort it out. Whether biomom or anyone is saying negative things let her figure it out and just remind her that you care about her and both of you love her.

Maria, I'm glad to hear it isn't just us!! FDH's son listens better to me than to him too. If I say "It's time to go brush your teeth and put on your pajamas" he (usually) does it right away. If FDH say the exact same thing, he (usually) stalls, whines and says he'll do it later. A__ has trouble with his speech, but will tackle hard words with me (photosynthesis, laminate, striated, phosphorylation) and get them right. As soon as his dad is there, he says them wrong on purpose and won't try. Very frustrating and baffling, so it's nice to know we're not alone on this.

Anyhow, I think what Dr Phil said depends on the child, the parent, and the SP.
I have no problem enforcing preexisting rules with A__, but if something out of the blue comes up, then it's up to his BPs. For example, A__ isn't supposed to touch the computer headset (he's broken 5 of them in the past 18 months) and loses computer privileges for the day if he does. If I see him with the headset, and FDH isn't around, I boot him off the computer. But on the day that A__ had a letter from his teacher saying he was very badly behaved on a field trip and wasn't going to go on any more outings if he wasn't a perfect angel on the next trip, I called FDH and BM right away to see what they had to say about consequences.

Same with rewards... For little things, I reward without FDH or BM. For big things, I make sure to get feedback first.

I also think it messes with the child-parent relationship if it's always "Wait until your father gets home!" Well, Dad starts to dread coming home to discipline his naughty child, and naughty child will begin to resent Dad for always giving heck the second he walks in the door.

Slippery slope indeed. We are in constant navigation on this one. In our house my husband is free to discipline my kids, he's a little reluctant, but will. I encourage him to. I feel if I chose him as my husband that includes trusting my children to him. Really it is so rare that either of them need disciplining they aren't an issue.
SS being an angry child requires disciplining almost daily. I have known him since birth. And also am responsible for him alone daily. I do not pretend to think I'm doing anything right with this kid. I try disciplining the way I do the others, with reason and consistency. Usually, he manipulates the situation and returns to freedom just in time to get in trouble for something else. This may sound kind of crazy but I am fine with disciplining him on the typical rule braking all kids do like running in the house, but when it comes to his rages and his really angry outbursts I invlove his Dad. If that means he waits in his room an hour until his Dad gets home that's what happens. It isn't that I relinquish my authority by refusing to deal with it (although the easy way is atractive) I involve his Dad so that he's not just torturing me daily without accountability from someone whose opinion matters to him. Usually once Dad is home we handle the situation together. Dad does most of the talking but I stay in the room to keep him honest. He has a tendancy to change the story to justify whatever hes done.

It is a touchy subject though and I hear a lot of "Dad should do the discipline" I just don't think that is practial when SM is with the child all day. Can't really call him every time his son acts out or he'd never get any work done.

I think if we didn't have the angry issue our discipining would be just fine although I can see how it would be diffiult to step in and try to discipline if you walked into a childs life from maybe 6yr old and up. Even that could be eased though if step parents have the support of bioparents.

Hi mom2sm2,

I agree that your situation is different. In my case, my wife was the sole disciplinarian from day one since her ex-husband never got involved in that area. So, when I married her, my stepkids were 15 and 12. It was logical to let my wife continue with what she was doing.

In the case of the other post, the woman has a 9 year old stepson and she has been married for 2.5 years. The father needs to be more active in parenting there.

Of course, it's important that she get any misbehavior to stop if the dad is not around at the moment. Then the dad can enforce the punishment when he comes home.

If the dad is unwilling or unable to enforce the punishment at that point, then both parents have to agree on how situations should be handled by the stepmom.

The bottom line is to have a unified approach by the parents to conflict and problems at home.

Athlete

I agree with most everything the other posters have said except the age makes a difference point. I don't think age should make a difference.

If you are in a situation where you are at home alone with a stepchild you are at some point going to have to discipline that child. At the very least you'll have to make sure boundaries are maintained and the place doesn't get burned down while hubby is at work. This is going to be the case whether the child is 4 or 14. If the parents have a problem with you making sure rules are followed then the child doesn't need to be left alone with you....period. If they (mom or dad) want to pull the "You are not his mother/father" card then you say "You're right, I'm not. So how bout' you come and get him till his father/mother can be home to discipline him." You can not be left in charge of ANY child, your own, your niece, your step child, your friends kid...etc., without some form of authority.

When I say rules I mean pre-existing rules like what Ceph spoke of. If the child does something trully heinous then the father should deal with it how ever he see's fit when he gets home. I never called the girls mom to get her permission for any discipling because she is rarely around. J is the custodial parent. I only answer to him. If their mother has a problem with the way I handle them (which is how J handles them) then she needs to be more involved.

That's just my situation.

2.5 said: "This may sound kind of crazy but I am fine with disciplining him on the typical rule braking all kids do like running in the house, but when it comes to his rages and his really angry outbursts I invlove his Dad."

I don't think that's crazy at all. IMO, that's the right approach. I look at it like this: things like running in the house are little things that a responsible grandpma or uncle would/should enforce. But a grandpa or auntie would probably call Mom and Dad if the kid had an enormous angry outburst. I have 5 N&Ns who I babysit a lot, so I try to think "If A__ was my niece or nephew, would I deal with this, or would I call the parents?"

Day-to-day enforcement of rules and good behavior is EVERYONE's responsibility (it takes a village to raise a child) but the big things are up to Mom and Dad.

Our situation is a little unusual because BM and I connect quite well when it comes to A__. We can drive each other a little bonkers from time to time, but we have common ground with her son. So, if A__ has a particular success or shortfall, I'll call her to ask her input or make her aware of the situation. She also calls me to let us know what's going on at her end, because we've decided that consistency between houses is important. Maybe that's a little weird, but it works well for us.

I think the real parent needs to discipline their child and I have heard judges say that, but in the case of small children that is not always possible. My youngest son had temper tantrums for awhile. I just picked him up and put him in his room, told him he could come out when he learned to behave. I always explained the situation in the least amount of words I could and reinforced what I said. He soon outgrew the tantrums. It helps to turn the cartoons loud to show him what he is missing out on. LOL The point is choose your battles and let the little stuff go. Take the child on special outings that he enjoys. He will soon figure out that good behavior has it's rewards. LOL

Age makes a difference, and so does personality.

My daughter was 4 when my husband came into her life. He treats her like his other kids, including with respect to discipline. It works fine.

My stepkids were a few years older than my daughter. A stepmom friend advised me to pretend that I was a very close "aunty". I actually am close to my aunt, so I copy her. Basically, that means, if the kids are doing something to hurt each other or the house, then I put a stop to it. I don't want them hurt, or anything damaged, under my watch. If I have concerns about their attitude or issues such as homework or computer habits, I speak to their father and he addresses it.

"I think the real parent needs to discipline their child"
When my SD was little a friend told her I wasn't her "real" mother....she looked confused and came to ask me...I told her If you pinch it and it squeals than it is real..so pinch me and see if I squeal..she did and I squealed and she giggled....
I absolutely hate the term "real" mom/dad....sorry...
I am as real alive/breathing as it can get!!
Back to the topic-
My SD was only a toddler when I came in the picture..I have always disciplined her as well as Dad. We have since had more biological children and I discipline them the same way I discipline SD... I will note though that BM has never been very involved and sometimes was MIA as she is now.....so it may have turned out diff had my SD had her BM involved.....

I too came into my SD life when she was a toddler, and by the time she was 5 we had custody. I have always treated her as if she was my own, and discipline her just as I would our two younger children. I may consult with DH a bit more than with the other two, but I'm 'free' to reward or punish as I see fit.
If SD has a problem, question or want she typically comes to me before her mom or dad, so I guess saying we have a very close relationship is a no-brainer. She often says I'm more like her real mom than her real mom, so it all just works very naturally. I don't think she's ever said 'you're not my real mom' to me or questioned whether I have the 'authority' to make a judgment call..
There have been several times that SD was with her mom and mom couldn't 'manage' her or get her to listen that she called me to talk to SD and calm her down. That is a little sad and frustrating, but that's fodder for another post . . .

Lol...my SD told me her mother told her ' she is not your mother'. i remember her approaching me while brushing my hair and i turned around and said' yes, i agree i'm not your mother and never will be your mother. you have one and your lucky to have one, i lost mine at 11 years of age. But that doesnt' mean we can't be friends and if your do not want to be friends with me then i'm fine with that. But you come and your respect me and visit your dad and i wont interfere with that relationship. But disrespect me in any way shape or form and i will dish it back to you in many ways. i'm a true believer of respect between two people and it doesn't matter whether your my friend or cousin. If you treat me bad i will ask you to leave. If you have nothign nice to say, then say nothign at all.'
After that conversation we were fine. i told her also that i'm not going to replace her mother by marrying him.No one can replace your mother not even in death. I'm a new addition to the family and there will be more additions. Its just something she will have ot accept and there will come a time when her mother will also remarry. And she has doen that. Unfortunately SD says she hates him. But i can't be certain if all she says is true about the guy. If he was so horrible her mother wouldnt' have kept him for all these years. i think it has alot to do with the fact that he moved into mommy's house and attention as well.
But yes, i agree if SM or any other person intheir lives are spending the majority of time with SK and they are out of line, you not goign to wait till daddy comes home. You tell them exactly how you feel. There is nothign wrong with that.
I remember a situation with my PS2. Both kids were fighting and i just shut the darn machine off. Both were shocked. Of course SD went to Dad to complain about me. Lol..he turned aroudn and said, its her machine and if she sees you dont play nice then its her business to shut it off and i agree with my wife 100%.
Yes, a united front give kids , any kids , a stability in the home and they learn respect from this. To stand together. not be at odds with one another. Its bad enough they saw their parents divorce but to see the next relationship with disrespect and fighting is just such a bad example for them to see.

Fiveinall,

ha ha ha. I like that answer! My daughter has said that a few times to my husband when she's arrived back from a visit with her father.

My answer was pretty much the same - "you think he's imaginary?"