mom uses stepmom for discipline

17 years ago

Hi

Looking for some advice on how to "handle" mom, I am the stepmom to 4 children(ages 17g, 11b, 9b, and 8g) 2 of my own(ages 21g 14b). The children live with us full time she has visitation one/two days per week depending on her schedule even then she sometimes uses a babysitter. When the 3 youngest children visit with mom and they misbehave she tells them behave or I'll tell stepmom and she will punish you. We have a household of rules and abide by those rules part of being a family is helping out doing chores blah blah blah etc. etc. The children were very spoiled by mom still are cry long enough you get what you want.. In our home its a matter of you get what you need not what you want. Mom will call here and say they are misbehaving wanting either stepmom or dad to get on the phone with them to discipline them, or she wants us to punish them here for things they do at her house. They do not behave that way here they know there are consequences for your actions. They are typical kids with sibling rivalries etc.

Another issue we have is Mom was court ordered to pay support refuses, but will call up telling us the children need this and that we should buy it.

So I guess my question is Should we have to discipline the children when they misbehave at their mothers house?

Sort by:Oldest

Comments (4)

Vivian Kaufman
17 years ago
I would say "yes." Here's why: Even though she is their mother and SHOULD be doing her job, she isn't. That's tough to stomach, I know. So, in essence what you have is the failure of someone to do a job that HAS to be done whether or not anybody wants to. So yeah, if she calls, take care of it and know that you're doing what's best for the kids.

Yeah it stinks. Yeah you shouldn't have to, but someone HAS to step up. It won't do them any good to know that they can get away with murder at mom's house, so consider it protecting your investment.

As far as buying them things, you also know what they need and it is entirely up to you to decide if what she THINKS they need is what you are prepared to give. I don't think that you need to feel obligated.

If she's not paying support I would definitely talk to an attorney. Taking care of 4 children costs lots, and I'm sure that the added income would be most welcomed!
cawfecup
Original Author
17 years ago
The sad part is at first she would tell the kids "she can't discipline you" and now I/we have more control of the children over the phone than she has within the same household. Instead wait til your father gets home ... Its wait til you get home and I tell what you did.

At first I feared they would resent me for being too strict with them but now I know it was the best thing. They had no rules they ran the house it was sad actually.
Mom had run off to "find herself" which I am glad she did I wouldn't have found my husband and his children.

They did the "I hate you's, you're mean etc. so instead of waiting for them to say it ... I would say what I had to say and then resort to "I know I know you hate me I am the meanest person who has ever lived". I know its childish but once I took away the sting of their own words they didn't know what to do or how to react.

And as far as the child support she has had 4 "careers" in 6 months when the state catches up to her she finds a new "career". Just about every six months she takes him back to court "for custody" then when he gets there she changes her mind and just wants child support reduced. It has gone up the last two times he has been to court but it doesn't matter she doesn't pay it. She is self-employed. She's been ordered to pay $300+ weekly adds up quickly.

thanks for listening :)
Related Discussions
New step-mom looking for feedback from women and men
Q
Comments (2)
Your responses to me in the posting "Baggage" has been helpful. I am the wife of the man who posted "Baggage". My biggest struggle right now is my husband forcing me (that is how it feels) to spend individual time with his son, while our marriage is in such turmoil. It seems like our marriage is conditional on me doing this. My husband and I have a daughter together and I have done things with them both, but he is only focused on my doing things with his son alone.
...See More
Concerned Step-Mom
Q
Comments (13)
LOL I am going to assume you have no children or you would know what "details" actually means. I think you will be able to rest easy after truly learning the details and checking out the program. I expect you to learn that each family undergoes close scrutiny, and home inspections should be a routine part of that. No program, much less no parent, is going to send children into unknown territory. The program has to be responsible for the children's safety. That is the primary concern, I am certain. But, find out the name of the program, call them, and check it out for yourself before asking advice on how to handle a situation you know nothing about. My guess is you will learn your stepdaughter will be rejected for this type of exchange program. On a different note and a matter of caution, what is known as white slavery or maybe child slavery (in some parts of the world) has become an extremely big business and cause for concern. Children and young women are kidnapped and sold to become sex slaves, and they are captured using schemes that are becoming more elaborate every day. I suggest you check out this program completely and thoroughly. If you don't feel you know the right questions to ask, then inquire here and elsewhere to find out the kind of information you should expect to ascertain from that program/company. For example, if they do not do routine home inspections, I would say no for that reason alone because I'd take it as a flashing red signal they don't have their act together, but it could also bring question of their legitimacy. I am really glad you asked this question and hope you will take my post in the good nature I intended. I think this can be good practice for you to fine tune your mum radar for when you have children of your own (if you and hubby decide to have children). Taking notes during practice such as this will help you develop a critical path to problem solving - critical path meaning sequenced order of importance to expediently arrive at a conclusion. In other words, the safety of your stepdaughter (and future children) is more important than her embarrassment. Had you begun inquiring of the program with her security and well being at heart, you might never have ended up asking a forum a question like this one. Problem solved by way of a much more significant and less delicate concern.
...See More
Hello Moms * Stepmoms
Q
Comments (23)
I love my DS's relationship with DH! It's so awesome! And I contribute it to a few different things, because it didn't start off so great. The first year was HELL with X accusing DH of abusing DS and calling him names. 1. DH did not jump into a relationship with DS. Sure we did things together, but he wasn't super-nice or a disciplinarian. He kind of just hung back for a few years and was peripheral in DS's life. 2. DH never spoke a negative word or gave a negative impression regarding X. Even when DS relayed some of the things X would say. If DH didn't think he could handle being at a game or whatever, he just didn't go. 3. I never asked DH to be more involved with DS until I knew they had a stable relationship. I knew that asking for more could have disrupted the delicate peace between them. 4. I allowed them to form a relationship that didn't involve me. They have common interests I don't share so they talk about those things while I stay out of it. I don't demand to be a part of everything just because he's "my kid". Now, they get along great and even X and DH get along. DS isn't afraid to love DH. DH is still a little apprehensive, but that's because he doesn't want to be perceived as stepping on X's toes. It's funny because they both kind of live their lives in barely-overlapping circles. Some days they may not say more than 2 words to eachother. Some days they'll sit on the sofa all day watching football and talking about it. The cutest thing happened this past Father's Day. DS spends every Father's Day with X, but he asked what "we" were giving DH for Father's Day. I told him that he normally doesn't give DH anything so i hadn't planned on anything, but that if he wanted to give DH something then I would arrange it. He said he did and that he wanted to give him something they could do together. So he picked going to a local minor-league baseball game the weekend after Father's Day. All his choice; nothing from me but putting the money up for tickets. They had a great time and DS has decided that since he spends every Father's Day with X, that he would call the next weekend "DH's Day" and would do something with him every year. I was nearly in tears! I couldn't believe what I perceived was a goofy little relationship was really something so much deeper.
...See More
Mean old Step-Mom
Q
Comments (27)
Of course he can go out. He does all the time. The point is he did not come home that night or has not been back since last Wednesday. He did bring the car backt until the next day on Thursday evening. But if he can't pay for the gas then he should be smart enough know he can't drive around until it goes out of gase. THEN ask his littler brother for help.... Never said he was a loser. He uses the victim card too much. His mother left him 4 years ago. I have been married for 4 years. I was a single a parent for 18 years and never had this type of problem....You can't force a 21 year old to get his degree, get up, go to school, do your homework, don't stay up too late. etc etc. He is older enough now to make choices. The youngest one does......He claims he is in Colorado and the husband sister sent the ticket. However, no word from any of them...But his dad thinks he is lying. Keep in mind Dad is in China. If he was here I wouldn't even worry about it.......YES I am thrilled that there is piece in our apartment right now....I am just thrilled.....But it saddens me when my wonderful husband is hurt....This happened beyond his control. So the 21 year old wants to act up while his dad is away. HOW CONVENIENT...I asked his family and told my husband that he would not respect me and would be doing something like this. Well GUESS WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!When we move into the house that is my request. You want to act like an adult go be an adult.......My husband and I are soo close, best friends etc. There is nothing that will come between us. So I am not worried about that............I guess I see where there is gaps and now I can see where people did not understand. However, I think asking the questions that could put the pieces together is just fine. But when you make this down right rude comments of this and that. I guess it shows something about you..NOT I......
...See More
sweeby
17 years ago
They did the "I hate you's, you're mean etc. so instead of waiting for them to say it ... I would say what I had to say and then resort to "I know I know you hate me I am the meanest person who has ever lived". I know its childish but once I took away the sting of their own words they didn't know what to do or how to react.

That's BRILLIANT Cawfe! I'll have to add that to my bag of tricks. Seriously - what can they possibly say after that?
organic_maria
17 years ago
the kids need discipline and its obvious the mom is not doing it and can't handle them. At least she admits! and asks for help. Though i would feel odd for discipling them. I do not and will not discipline my stepkids. i leave that up to their dad. i think when she calls and asks for help it should be from their dad. Not to insult you but as a stepkid i resented my stepmom if she even tried to discipline me. Though my relationship was good and i respected my second stepmom. The first was a coniving witch!
I dont know about the child support , sounds to me the biomom doesn't know what she wants in life.
But one thing is for sure, the kids need discipline, support and strong guidelines. Its coming from you and your husband and it sounds like you handling it quite well.:)

mom uses stepmom for discipline

Comments (4)

Vivian Kaufman

cawfecup
Original Author

Related Discussions

sweeby

organic_maria

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US

mom uses stepmom for discipline

Comments (4)

Vivian Kaufman

cawfecupOriginal Author

Related Discussions

sweeby

organic_maria

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US

cawfecup
Original Author