mom uses stepmom for discipline

19 years ago

Hi

Looking for some advice on how to "handle" mom, I am the stepmom to 4 children(ages 17g, 11b, 9b, and 8g) 2 of my own(ages 21g 14b). The children live with us full time she has visitation one/two days per week depending on her schedule even then she sometimes uses a babysitter. When the 3 youngest children visit with mom and they misbehave she tells them behave or I'll tell stepmom and she will punish you. We have a household of rules and abide by those rules part of being a family is helping out doing chores blah blah blah etc. etc. The children were very spoiled by mom still are cry long enough you get what you want.. In our home its a matter of you get what you need not what you want. Mom will call here and say they are misbehaving wanting either stepmom or dad to get on the phone with them to discipline them, or she wants us to punish them here for things they do at her house. They do not behave that way here they know there are consequences for your actions. They are typical kids with sibling rivalries etc.

Another issue we have is Mom was court ordered to pay support refuses, but will call up telling us the children need this and that we should buy it.

So I guess my question is Should we have to discipline the children when they misbehave at their mothers house?

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Comments (4)

Vivian Kaufman
19 years ago
I would say "yes." Here's why: Even though she is their mother and SHOULD be doing her job, she isn't. That's tough to stomach, I know. So, in essence what you have is the failure of someone to do a job that HAS to be done whether or not anybody wants to. So yeah, if she calls, take care of it and know that you're doing what's best for the kids.

Yeah it stinks. Yeah you shouldn't have to, but someone HAS to step up. It won't do them any good to know that they can get away with murder at mom's house, so consider it protecting your investment.

As far as buying them things, you also know what they need and it is entirely up to you to decide if what she THINKS they need is what you are prepared to give. I don't think that you need to feel obligated.

If she's not paying support I would definitely talk to an attorney. Taking care of 4 children costs lots, and I'm sure that the added income would be most welcomed!
cawfecup
Original Author
19 years ago
The sad part is at first she would tell the kids "she can't discipline you" and now I/we have more control of the children over the phone than she has within the same household. Instead wait til your father gets home ... Its wait til you get home and I tell what you did.

At first I feared they would resent me for being too strict with them but now I know it was the best thing. They had no rules they ran the house it was sad actually.
Mom had run off to "find herself" which I am glad she did I wouldn't have found my husband and his children.

They did the "I hate you's, you're mean etc. so instead of waiting for them to say it ... I would say what I had to say and then resort to "I know I know you hate me I am the meanest person who has ever lived". I know its childish but once I took away the sting of their own words they didn't know what to do or how to react.

And as far as the child support she has had 4 "careers" in 6 months when the state catches up to her she finds a new "career". Just about every six months she takes him back to court "for custody" then when he gets there she changes her mind and just wants child support reduced. It has gone up the last two times he has been to court but it doesn't matter she doesn't pay it. She is self-employed. She's been ordered to pay $300+ weekly adds up quickly.

thanks for listening :)
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sweeby
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They did the "I hate you's, you're mean etc. so instead of waiting for them to say it ... I would say what I had to say and then resort to "I know I know you hate me I am the meanest person who has ever lived". I know its childish but once I took away the sting of their own words they didn't know what to do or how to react.

That's BRILLIANT Cawfe! I'll have to add that to my bag of tricks. Seriously - what can they possibly say after that?
organic_maria
19 years ago
the kids need discipline and its obvious the mom is not doing it and can't handle them. At least she admits! and asks for help. Though i would feel odd for discipling them. I do not and will not discipline my stepkids. i leave that up to their dad. i think when she calls and asks for help it should be from their dad. Not to insult you but as a stepkid i resented my stepmom if she even tried to discipline me. Though my relationship was good and i respected my second stepmom. The first was a coniving witch!
I dont know about the child support , sounds to me the biomom doesn't know what she wants in life.
But one thing is for sure, the kids need discipline, support and strong guidelines. Its coming from you and your husband and it sounds like you handling it quite well.:)

mom uses stepmom for discipline

Comments (4)

Vivian Kaufman

cawfecup
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mom uses stepmom for discipline

Comments (4)

Vivian Kaufman

cawfecupOriginal Author

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cawfecup
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