complications of discipline

16 years ago

Yestureday, I am at work and I get a call from hubby. He asks me how my day is going and what am I up too. (Not a whole lot these days it seems like work is my vacation since school is out and I work for a non profit that works with the school system but anyways... ) So I step outside and talk to him and he asks me So, do you want to know how stupid ex is? (Usually this has a very interesting story following)

Apparently that morning the oldest was caught setting a piece of plastic on fire. Ex called my hubby to tell him about it.... hubby tells her that she needs to get his butt for that... hubby gets on phone with oldest gets onto him... blah blah blah.... then she (ex) proceeds to tell him that she is going to take oldest to spend his gift card he got for his birthday (two months ago) later that day... Hubby tells ex.... thats not a good idea it is sending the wrong message... he got in trouble now he gets to do what he wants. Ex says well I am going to do it anyways.... I grounded him for a week so he understands he is in trouble.

So, I am listening to this and I just keep thinking why did she call him for this.... She doesnt want to listen to what he says ... she is going to let oldest go out and do what he wants to do later... what is the point?

I told hubby look, next time she calls wanting you to get onto to the kids about something tell her to handle it. She is their mom. I dont call him when the kids are with me and ask him to handle it. I handle the situation... she needs to do the same... the kids need to learn to respect her.. if kids (esp boys) cant respect their mom ... what women will they be able to respect... its a bad precident to set.

I also, told him... if oldest calls wanting to come back home he needs to tell oldest he will still be grounded at our house too. We will not be used to escape punishment especially for something that major. Hubby kind of ummed and mmmed about it saying well if she is going to let him get off why should we enforce it. I told him that because someone needs to be the person to teach him a lesson. And he was like so basically, I get to be the bad guy... I said yes we will be the bad guys if it means he leaves lighters alone and understands how serious this is.

I don't know... I know exactly what is going to happen... he is going to come home... mom will have let go of punishment let him do whatever... hubby will talk to him but that will be it... and this is so not okay... This was a major deal especially since we just got onto him a few days earlier for finding a lighter and playing with it.

I know when I go home today there is like a 99% chance oldest will have come home (since youngest is coming home today anyways) and he will be doing whatever.

I am frustrated ....

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Comments (9)

mom_of_4
Original Author
16 years ago
I almost forgot my point here....

I know that if we were to ground one of the kids or something and they went over to her house ... it would not be enforced...

I am almost tempted to let it go ... but deep down I know that would be a huge mistake
angelz921
16 years ago
OH NO MOM of 4! Do not let this go! This is a very big mistake, letting him get away with setting things on fire is only telling him that ok so what it's wrong but I wont get in trouble by either parent. And next time it could be something bigger and then bigger and then one day it could cause a home....your home to be caught up in the fire. Every problem starts out small it's how we deal with it when it's a "baby" will determine it's out come up the road. I would sit down and explain to DH that what happens if SS comes to your home and sets fire to his most prize possession, one of the kids or even a material possession? Would it be ok for him to come to your house and set plastic on fire? No, probably not what would his punishment be if he were at you home? It should be reinforced at both homes. Might be a good idea to have DH take a look to make sure SS hasn't hid any matches or lighter's in his room or personal space at your home.

Just my opinion.
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sylviatexas1
16 years ago
"Hubby kind of ummed and mmmed about it saying well if she is going to let him get off why should we enforce it."

Rent a nature video (& make hubs watch the entire thing) showing how male elephants & silverback male gorillas *have* to control the young males in order to protect the family & keep those young males from running amok, beating up the females & the little ones, causing destruction...

Young males who grow up without the presence of a strong male don't know how to belong in a family group, & they usually end up being outcasts or members of a "bachelor herd" (gang).
vistajpdf
16 years ago
Too many parents are afraid to be a parent first, then a friend to their kids today. I think it's creating a huge problem out there. My parents are my best friends, but I learned long ago that they were authority figures in my life. I'm sure w/ divorce, it's even harder to enforce your discipline. You worry that the child isn't w/ you full time, so maybe he/she will go to the other parent's house angry w/ you, building up resentment, etc. It's tough even when the kids are w/ you full time, but we need to do our jobs and do what is right. I'm w/ angelz here and your gut on following through w/ the penalties.

I once saw a special by NFL Q-back Drew Bledsoe's father when I had just had my oldest. He was giving parenting seminars. He said something like, "I have no fancy degrees. I haven't read the latest parenting books out there, either. I'm no expert, but I'm also no dummy. I've parented from the heart from day 1. Along the way I found the secret to raising good kids. It's simple: Say what you mean and mean what you say."

It really hit home w/ me as my mom is a yeller and is long on threats regarding my brother, lol. (He's in his mid-upper 40's.) My brother learned to weather the storm, then he'd get what he wanted. I don't think he even really reacts anymore to mom's ranting. It's humorous but sad. Here's a man who still views himself as a teenager. Needs my parents for rent $, CS, car ins. you name it. He has a Master's Degree in education, too! He doesn't make big $ and doesn't live w/ luxuries, but spends too much time in bars on Fri and Sat nights. Mom hates his drinking, but when push comes to shove, she bails him out of whatever bind he's in. I feel so helpless. I resent him for draining my parents but pity him that by getting bailed out, he has no confidence to figure it out for himself.

Thought I'd share and hope you see where I'm going w/ this. Brother just took a more costly apt. Mom and I talked and I said, "Can you afford his new place, Mom?" She was angry asking when he's going to learn his lessons, etc. I said, "When the day comes where your 'no' means 'no' and not until then..."

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cawfecup
16 years ago
What we do ... If dad gives a punishment I get to enforce it :) but punishment does not count the days they are at their BM's house.... why?? because we don't know if she is enforcing it... (but I will tell her I am punished) doesn't matter she may have plans and cannot enforce the punishment so we will not make her punish you for stuff you do here if you get punished here its here and if its there its there. So if dad says you are grounded for 3 days that 3 days here not 2 here and one at moms 2 here you go to mom's and come back to one more day of punishment.

And I agree when they call whining about how mean mommy is or when she calls wanting you to scold them for bad behavior at her house. Yes you talk to them tell them she is their mother and you have to listen to her doesn't matter what she punished you for she punished you deal with it if you don't like being punished next time don't do it.

We did the bad guy thing she would call her wanting them to be punished for acts at her house but did not punish them at her house. Now we do you are punished where the incident happened. But we are punished at both houses now ... well don't get in trouble and you will not be punished.

Enforce your rules and your discipline but not hers let her deal with issues on her time not yours. But on this one dad said he would be punished stick to it but next time tell dad not to come up with a punishment for an incident that happened at mom's house.
sweeby
16 years ago
I know how you feel... I was the 'bad guy' for my son for years while his father let him off and made excuses for whatever little problems there were. Luckily, I was the custodial parent at the time though, and soon followed a similar policy as Cawfee -- If Ex won't enforce it at his house, then time at his house doesn't count toward the penalty.

DS was plenty mad about it for several years, and even went to go live with his father. But now (at age 16), he readily admits that I was right to enforce reasonable discipline, even when it made me unpopular, and honestly seems a little disappointed in his father's 'friendship' approach.

With something as serious as fire-setting, even if it had happened at Dad's house, I would have insisted on a continuation of the punishment at my house as well. Sometimes, the message you need to send is a STRONG one.

Please also look into fire-setting behavior in children and consider whether counseling may be in order. When kids set fires, it can be the first sign of serious trouble.
mom_of_4
Original Author
16 years ago
he is mostly just a curious kid... he takes things apart and gets into stuff... to see how it works... I am not really concerned about a more serious problem ... I just need to get across to him how serious it is that he doesnt play around because it can kill....

I dont know we shall see when I get home :-)
sweeby
16 years ago
Glad to hear you don't think it's more serious. From the rest of your posts (except the one that revealed your age - wow!) it's clear that you're a mature and sensible mom, and not in denial about step-parenting's many challenges. I'm betting you nip this in the bud.
mom_of_4
Original Author
16 years ago
Well, I got home last night and the oldest was in the room. I asked my hubby what the deal was with oldest... he said ex said she expected that he would still be grounded (which ironically enough tweaked my nerves given that she has never enforced a single thing we have said but anyways) Apparently he was running 'wild' at her house and she called to say he didnt fully grasp being grounded...

ummm.. enforce being grounded... hello...

anyways, so I talked to hubby and reaffirmed and oldest would be grounded for the rest of the week while he was here. Hubby said yes...

Oldest came out later and complained that he couldnt watch tv because the other kids were being too loud... which presented me with the perfect opportunity

I told him he was lucky he was watching tv... if it wasnt for the other kids there wouldnt be a tv on in the house period (we already took away radio ipod bike game boy etc)
and then I proceeded to give him a speech about how dangerous fire is and how bad things could have been... I asked him if he has ever seen someone who has been badly burned (I am still thinking of printing a bunch of pictures of burn victims to show him) I told him nothing fixes being burned it always hurts its always bad... so one and so forth... I told him how dissappointed I was ... that he is too old for this kind of thing.. by the time I was done talking he was ready to go back into his room and be quiet.

I was on his case for most of the day... no snacks ... no fun... I am definately the bad guy this time around but I dont much care...

complications of discipline

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mom_of_4
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angelz921

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complications of discipline

Comments (9)

mom_of_4Original Author

angelz921

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sylviatexas1

vistajpdf

cawfecup

sweeby

mom_of_4Original Author

sweeby

mom_of_4Original Author

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mom_of_4
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mom_of_4
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mom_of_4
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