I re-read your letter. I applaud you for not abandoning your children, and leaving them to fend for themselves if you left. That is a real father. A father who will make sacrifices for the children. It sounds as if your wife was in the wrong type of counceling. It sounds as though what she really needs are classes in anger management for the well being of your children. Perhaps that is one of the things you will require of her that you will not waiver on. After re-reading your first two posts, I believe that what I suggested in the above two posts sounds like a long shot. And I can imagine how difficult it would be to pull off with a person who is angry and bitter. Especially given how you feel about her. Does she have ANY good points? If so, what are they? I think it would be so depressing to live with someone who has been depressed for 20 years, and is so angry and bitter. If it were me, (OK, I am climbing up on that soapbox for a speech) I think I would tell them that I am sick of them using depression as an excuse for rotten behavior. I would tell her that if it is real depression...meaning chemical imbalance of some sort, then to get herself to a doctor and get her medications right. And if it is depression caused by her own disappointments in life, then suck it up and put a smile on your face and start doing some of the things you need to do. Because the kids and I hate living like this, and your anger and bitterness is destroying our family and the childhood of these children. They do not get a second chance at childhood...this is it, and it is going to be happy from tomorrow on. And if you cannot be a part of making this family a happy and good place to be, then I (meaning you Dave) will step up to the plate and raise these kids and give them that happy, safe childhood. Your 14 year old has so little childhood left, and I (meaning you Dave) am going to make sure it is great! Are you on board, or are you going to continue to hide behind your depression and anger and bitterness, doing your best to make sure home life is crappy for us all? She has a choice to make here. And you may find she is on board, and will begin some new changes, or that she likes being angry and miserable...and then you will know what you need to do. Forgive me for the two messages above, as after I re-read your original posts, I realized how they must sound to someone who is really in the pits in a marriage to someone who is so angry, and bitter all the time. I am not sure any of us could actually rise to the occasion if we were in your shoes and actually pull off what I suggested above. It sounds as if the marriage is just too miserable to actually bring yourself to do as I suggested. Not that it couldn't be done, but it would take a better person than I am to pull it off. Unless she actually makes a decision to change. If she does...perhaps she will surprise you all! In my best pollyanna view...I sometimes think that we can change someone else by being really kind to them. I sometimes have these wierd thoughts that you could take her for a morning of pampering (facial, massage) and then take her for a new outfit, and take just her out to dinner. That by you treating her differently, that maybe she will thaw out, and begin to see herself differently, and begin to change and laugh and smile. That she will "want" to be a better woman for her family. Perhaps it is just wishful thinking...but just maybe????? Anyone, I forget that some people actually "like" to be angry and bitter and miserable all the time. That is their comfort zone. Perhaps she is one of those people. I don't know.

Well Kathline, when you say "things people have complained about on here" and mention the 'ice cream for breakfast' which was clearly something I complained about, I'm not just taking a vague comment personal, unless there were others here that complained about ice cream for breakfast. and of course when you put it the way you did,(like that was the issue), I wanted to make it clear that it was not the issue. It's not hard to decipher that the reason she was throwing up when she told us she ate as much as she wanted (we asked if mom put it in a bowl and she said said mom was still in bed and she ate from the carton with a spoon. She told us that she felt sick the rest of the day and wouldn't eat any dinner. She had also made herself a tuna sandwich without draining the tuna. She said she only ate a few bites because it made her feel more sick. When she threw up, it looked like melted chocolate ice cream. Yes, I can say stomach flu. I've had it and so has she. It wasn't stomach flu. Nobody sent BM any nasty emails. DH sent her an email asking her what was going on because SD told him 'her side' and he wanted to get BM's side. She blew up and told him it's none of his business what she does in her house. Normally, we both agree with that. He doesn't call/email her when she lets SD stay up all night playing video games or watching movies. He doesn't call/email her when BM lets her watch R rated movies, He doesn't call/email her when she feeds her whatever she wants. He doesn't call/email her when SD doesn't take a shower/bath or brush her teeth all weekend because it won't kill her to miss a day or two. He has emailed her over issues he felt were serious enough... 1. She let her BF's kids sleep on the bed with her daughter the very first time they were all in the same house. 2. She was telling her daughter that she was moving over to her house after Christmas and the daughter was telling everyone at her school she was moving when she wasn't. BM hadn't even discussed it with him. 3. DH let her know (after letting it go twice) that she can't keep picking up their daughter early from school for no reason other than she wants to. 4. and he told her that SD got sick from the ice cream and suggested that SD should be supervised in the kitchen so she won't get sick. (Besides the fact that SD has issues with food) and yes, BM complained that I gave her daughter peanut butter & jelly sandwiches in her school lunch and oatmeal for breakfast. She said I was being abusive. Nobody has ever told BM she was being abusive in any way. We may think it's inappropriate and borders on neglect but that wasn't said to her. In fact, what I did say to her when she accused me of abusing her daughter is that a concerned mother that thought her child was being abused for 'weeks' like she said, would have called CPS or the authorities and not wait until my husband tells her she can't pick up her daughter from school early to start making those sort of accusations. I guess if you want to say that telling her that is being nasty, then I guess I'm guilty. I used the CPS word and that's the context in which I used it, I didn't threaten to call CPS on her, I told her she should call on me if she thinks I'm abusing her child. (my husband did tell her one time that if she isn't going to respond to any of his concerns, he'd have it investigated to make sure his daughter is safe) Oh yeah, and my husband did email her about SD saying she rode on the cardboard tied to the back of BM's truck and about discussing the child support issue with their daughter. Nobody can change someone else and I don't think I have ever thought I could. However, I do believe in debating one's point and through explaining philosophies or reasoning, it can change other's points of view. My point of view has been changed on some issues from what others have posted here, where a point was brought up that I may not have thought about before. Isn't that what a forum like this is for? Isn't this forum here to vent? Get advice? Share? I believe in the beginning, I wrote this is more of a vent, as I know that nobody can stop BM from what she says. and you are entitled to your opinion that I am WAY too involved in what goes on at BM's house. The fact is, I'm more concerned about what goes on at MY house. I'm WAY more concerned about how my SD feels about the whole situation and her difficulty in dealing with it. When BM cancels a weekend to go coach her BF's kid's baseball team, or when she says she can't pick her up from school like she's supposed to and wants to pick her up at our house, and then comes later than she says, it affects me because we usually make plans ahead of time and now we are left to 1. explain to SD that her mom can't make it or is going to be late, which always is met with crying and her being upset. BM won't do her own dirty work. She just doesn't show up and we are left to explain. 2. if we have plans, we have to change them to include SD and occasionally, it's a problem. Especially if we have tickets or reservations somewhere. She's ruined our plans many times and upset/disappointed her daughter more times than I can count. I don't take everything as a criticism that I respond to and I don't think I get defensive. Perhaps it sounds that way or can be interpreted that way, but I don't think I have anything to be defensive about. I may have an opinion or if I feel something I said is taken out of context, I will try to explain my position better. As for my dealings with BM, I don't deal with her, my husband does. I didn't have a child with her, he did.

Thanks Ima I don't feel that I was threatening or accusing or harassing in my email to him. I let 4 objective people read it first and there were two lines I was told to delete because they seemed not important and just added to the length. My point was to send a short, FYI, notification, just thought you should know type of email. It was to the point and factual, no emotion and no attacks. Just simple. I have not inquired about CS in 6 years bc I've never had to. I've never asked for modification or for a review. Since we were in Court and things came up like non payment of medical bills, not keeping health insurance consistently so the judge ordered a review. I am sure it angered them but direct your anger at the system, not me! Ya know? I did respond. I was calm and I didn't 'apologize' I just basically said I was concerned at how hostile he had become and that I was not aware that there was a law or an injunction stating I couldn't converse with him regarding child support. But left it at that. I don't understand why the words hurt me. They just do. I am 'told' my daughter is treated with this same hostility every day at their house. I think that might be why it hurts me. I feel her pain when I am in her shoes and I'm an adult! I can't protect her from them. I can't figure out how to teach her to stand up for herself when I can't do it for myself. I have a problem with confrontation. And criticism. I can't stand it Internalize everything that is said to me but only by certain people in my life. I'm CRAZY! It's why I'm in therapy. For the record, I've never harassed them. I haven't called them directly in 3 years. In the last 10 months I've called their house 4 times to speak to my daughter. (no answer, so does it count? Lol) I don't email often unless there is an issue but I'm very careful not to antagonize or accuse anyone of anything. I'm answered with 'mind your own business, not your concern, get over yourself, you need a psych eval' Co-parenting is non existent. Up until 10 months ago, for three years dad had supervised visits, SM had no access. I'm hoping that one day, we'll be back on that schedule. My Dd told me last night she wished they were still just doing the 1 Hour visits. But I can't really do anything with that info. I feel very sorry for my girl. She is going to need serious therapy one day. This is the SM that makes my Dd call ME by my first name in her presence while she calls SM MOM... Very controlling.

Is the cheque made payable to the school or the child? Sorry I didn't read the article. If the cheque is payable to the school and they flunk out, it will only be one year of payments. In Canada when parents divorce they are legally obligated to pay for post secondary. The parent who has care and control can take the other parent to court to get the money. Depending on what agreements are in place and the income of the parents it can be a 50/50 split of tuition or it can be 10/90. And the parent paying child support must continue to pay support until the child is 24 years old (might be 25 years I'm not positive) or done post secondary, whichever comes first. Even if the child is going to school away from the parent receiving the child support. If parents are still married there is no legal obligation and the child will have to get a student loan if the parents are not able to or just choose to not finance the child's post secondary.