Isn't this the eternal mother's gripe? My sister has the same problem with her kids and they're HER kids. lol ... Truth is, if SD hasn't learned how not to be a slob at this late date, she'll probably never learn it. Not only that, but she isn't apparently a very good guest either. When I visit my sister and her husband, I'm scrupulous about being a good houseguest (which, like fish, start to become unwelcome after about three days.)

In any case, I think I'd do A, but talk to DH about the situation and point out that this is one of the areas of contention. It sounds as if SD can't take a hint in a bucket with a lid on it, so I doubt C would work anyway.

Good luck.

Neither of my step-daughters knew anything about cleaning or setting a table or doing laundry when we got married. My DH and their BM had never worked with them to teach them any of these basic skills. Slowly, I started to teach them these skills and DH made a "chore chart" for the family. At first it went well, but now my SD17 has decided since she works a part time job she doesn't need the allowance and isn't going to clean. My DH won't enforce it because that might cause an argument, so I told him he was responsible for her chores around the house. If he doesn't want to enforce the rules, I am not going to pay for it. That is his choice, so he can clean for her. Doesn't matter to me, as long as it gets clean. So, I would choose Choice B. Our DH's will not begin to take action on these issues until it becomes THEIR problem. Until it makes their life uncomfortable. And if he cleans the room and it doesn't bother him, that is fine too. At least the room is clean.

my SD17 has decided since she works a part time job she doesn't need the allowance and isn't going to clean. My DH won't enforce it because that might cause an argument, so I told him he was responsible for her chores around the house.

lafevem, that is just priceless! Excellent and perfect solution :)

Dana, I would absolutely not clean up. To me, it's just one more disrespectful kick in the gut to you. I would bring it up, or, take your DH into the rooms and just state your feelings about how it was left and how you feel about being expected to clean it up. I just don't understand how he can be so oblivious. Maybe you should ask him that too.

If your H cleans it up, are you going to be satisfied with the job he does? If not, just clean it yourself.

Kids almost always leave a mess behind when they move out or when they go off to college. It has nothing to do with disrespect.

I can't imagine how you keep a house that big clean without a full-time maid. I have trouble keeping up with my 6 room one bath house.

My dearest vista,

This is just another issue/thing we step parents have to put up with. Your DH, just like many, many, many others, would agree with you that this shows irresponsibility from this child/woman/stepdaughter, but would the DH say it her, NEVER.

Of course your DH knows the room is a mess. Why do you think he closed the door? Cuz he doesn't want to see the mess and most important because he DOESN'T WANT TO CLEAN THE MESS, anyways not today. Perhaps, later, sometime, shortly, when IT SUITS HIM. It obviously doesn't bother him that that it makes the whole house look like a mess, that it upsets you to see a room like that in your house, that ''messess'' bother you and most important that the whole situation makes you upset cuz once again you feel like you are being disrespected. After all, this Stepdaugher, his daughter, stayed in your house, didn't pay bills, in short, abused of your, as well as her father's hospitality and generousity. The least she could do is clean up after herself after she's left! But she doesn't see it this way, nor does hubby! Most important, she doesn't care! and worst, this is often an indication of how these young women will keep their own home once they have one!

From experience, i suggest you choose option A, BUT BELIEVE ME,DEAR HUSBAND would know about it!!!!!!

Perhaps you could clean the mess when you'll know DH needs your help for something.

Keep posting.

Why don't you try to get DH and/or SD to clean it then finish it the way you would like it? That's usually what happens in our home. My DH tries to clean the kitchen, which I find helpful, but always forgets to do something or misses a spot on the counter, stove, etc. I end up putting the finishing touches on it. Maybe that would work for you?

I readily admit that I deal with DD's unkept bedroom daily-clothes everywhere, nail polish bottles, stuffed animals strewn about, etc. I have often walked past it and closed the door so as not to add to my list of reasons to become even more stressed out. I can understand why your DH would've just closed the door. I'm guilty of it myself!

Might I also suggest a cleaning service for the mess she left behind? What would DH say about that? It might hurt a little bit more if it hit him in the wallet? Just a thought.

Don't clean the bathroom.
Instead, as son as you have some money put away for somethng your husband care for, use it to pay a maid for cleaning the bathroom and sprucing up the rest of the house. THEN, when your husband sees there is no money left for something HE was interested on, you can sweetly explain that you had to PAY FOR HELP as you could not cope wih his daughter's leftover mess in addition to your "usual" load of children, cleaning the rest of the house and working hours.

Or better still, if you can be that assertive, you can inform him BEFORE (maybe during counseling) that you will not pay hiis cell/rent movie, buy gas for his car etc. this month as you have to pay a maid to clean the mess his daughter left. If he wants the money, he can clean it but YOU ARE NOT and you want have the bathroon cleaned as soon as possible because it is upsetting you and as your husband he has between his duties to make sure you are not upset in your house.

I know if someone else cleans it I have to "reclean" it. So basically ... I would fix a quick dinner for the kids. Tell hubby you are going to be cleaning the room so he has to entertain the boys. And figure out something for dinner for the two of you. You know you are going to end up cleaning it with or with out his help ... SD will be gone a week then a week to recoup... how long will you wait for her to clean it? Besides if she comes back she might help herself to other stuff ... TP soaps etc.

Well, I already did the bathroom as it's a high gloss black bathroom ceiling to floor w/ only a stainless steel vessel sink and frameless glass doors surrounding the tub/shower area. Meaning, I can't stand to look at the white soap rings all over it!

How do I keep the house clean? Well, it SHOULD look like a very modern, clean-lined home from Metropolitan Home, lol, but I never quite get the Zen look, lol. However, I do a little "Flylady", use the timer - have kids help have their items find their homes; swish and swipe the toilets daily, try to wipe down bathroom countertops as I put boys in the tubs. My mother does a little light housework (cleans up after breakfast, puts dishes away, vacuums family room area rug) when I'm at work if she's at my place - during the school year, I take the youngest to her so she doesn't get to my place til an hour or two before I get home - not much time. I'm working harder now in the house because I know she'll do what needs to get done and she is having some physical pain and limitations that she won't listen to. So, I'm up late getting the house ready so my mother won't have much to do. I have central vac and all floors (with a few area rugs) except the master. I can't afford much furniture, lol, so there's very little dusting to be done! And, I go through the hot spots every few days - laundry room, one kitchen countertop, playroom and the oldest boys' room. I'm not a neat freak by any means, though I aspire to be one and make some progress weekly on decluttering to get that Zen look. My closet is quite large, always has a stack of things to be put away neatly draped over the built-ins, lol. The house is large, but it seems as though there are still just a couple of areas that really require work.

SD's room has no furniture in it - just a remnant rug she threw down that can be disposed of. I just can't imagine leaving GARBAGE (wadded up paper, leftover packing tape, boxes, markers to mark the boxes, empty water bottles, etc.)all over the floor like that. It's not that clean up is that tough - needs to be swooped up into a garbage bag and then use the central vac on the floor, cart the rug to the curb, period. Just don't see how someone could leave it for me to do. We have a walk-in cooler in the house of which she took over two shelves. I went shopping to one of the bulk places yesterday, so I had to tackle the whole cooler and reorganize it. I threw out 2 full heavy duty garbage bags of rotten food, weird products, etc. I have another box of protein powders, seasonings, etc, that I feel like placing on her doorstep! She would go on health food kicks, stock up on fruits and veggies, organic stuff, then go off the diet and make cookies. So, there are many things she bought when angry that she gained weight from my cooking, lol. I can understand her forgetting about the perishables more, as she probably didn't think to check the cooler and forgot about it whereas she had to LOOK at the bed/bathrooms when she got her stuff. I guess the cooler situation was beneficial to me as at least it got me to reorganize the area in a much better way!

At first I rationalized that she moved in a hurry...then the guest came from out of town, so I certainly didn't expect her to come over that weekend and clean up...then she came for the remainder of her things (toiletries, etc.) and I thought she'd at least do a quick wipe down of the bathroom countertop, but nada. She relocked her bedroom door upon leaving and I didn't bother to go in for awhile, but was pretty surprised to see it when I finally did - then waited and nothing...then heard she was in DC. I may give it through the weekend to see if she even 'thinks' to straighten up, but she must figure by this late date, we've just done it for her or that it hasn't bothered me...

Dana

Just don't see how someone could leave it for me to do it.

Of course she left it for you to do you have been doing it all along. Did you honestly expect her to clean up as she was "moving out"? She didn't clean while she was "living" there.

High hopes huh!!

Yeah, Cawfe, but when you overtake a stark room, live in it, then leave it w/ junk all over, it seems even a little nervy for her, lol. I never cleaned her room when she was here - but did empty that overflowing bathroom trash can as I just couldn't stand it and it had access from the hall, not her room.

How do you feel about my leaving a box of her things on the doorstep - including the trash, lol?

Anyway, YUK! I'm glad she's gone - just pray her brother isn't the next to appear on the doorstep. No word yet directly from him, but the mutual friend said he has to come here towards the end of Aug. when bf starts school in S. Fl...

Dana

I wouldn't go out of my way to put it on her doorstep but if you can stand it hanging around til the next time she shows up.... leave it and tell her "Hey I put the rest of your stuff in that box" take it when you go or put it in the trash.

:-)

I'm sort of laughing on the inside right now. My 14 yo DD really is the biggest slob. I don't understand it. Her bedroom and bath are usually in a state of disaster. She has clothes everywhere on the floor, you can't tell what's clean and what's dirty, she leaves glasses and soda cans strewn about, and little bits and pieces of trash are everywhere. It's disgusting. My 10 yo DD is the polar opposite - her room is spotless, her bed is made, and everything is in its place. We have a housekeeper, but I firmly believe it is not her job to pick up every piece of junk my teenaged daugher leaves on the floor, so DD's room gets skipped, and if there is stuff all over her bathroom floor, that gets skipped also. Unfortunately, it doesn't appear to faze DD.

DD does manage to clean up if she wants to go out.

What made me laugh was that when we visited my sister's beachhouse in North Carolina last month, DD brought an equally sloppy friend, and DD was freaking out because her friend was leaving their room a mess. My DD apparently does understand that when you are a houseguest, you respect that and you don't leave your room a sty.

the box idea that you had is a good one but I would do as cawfe said and have it ready for her trash and all... I personally would use a giant trash bag easy simple... and more difficult to sort through without dumping it out and starting over... (at her own home)

She probably didn't think of herself as a house guest.

Two of my kids are neat; the others are not. I'm rather fond of the closing the door method myself.

Although I occasionally do the "close door" thing myself, I don't always do it because part of my job in parenting is teaching my children to respect themselves and their belongings. My DH was in the military for 8 years and my mom was a neat freak, so both of us are very neat. It saves alot of arguments because neither of us expects someone else to clean up after us. On the other hand, I have many friends who are constantly fighting with their spouses about chores because one or the other just don't pick up after themselves. All of my children are most likely going to live with a roommate, spouse, friend, etc. and some point and they need to have the ability to keep their belongings neat and from annoying those they live with. Noone else is their mom or dad in this world and won't overlook messes the way parents do. I stick with my advice....either SD needs to clean (if you don't teach this lesson now, what is your house going to look like when she leaves?) or DH needs to clean it if he doesn't want to approach her. As several on the board like to point out, you are not her mother, therefore you shouldn't be responsible for her messes. Let her bio parent do it.

Why do you call this a stupid little gripe?

This is the kind of thing that costs people their cleaning deposit when they move out of homes for which they pay rent, & this woman was living in your home rent-free!

"Of course she left it for you to do you have been doing it all along."

That's it in a nutshell.

You gotta stop doing this.

OK, counselor agreed w/ you fine ladies. DH offered to do it himself which caused me to say, "Well, I'm still waiting for you to change the light bulbs in the kitchen and you complained that you didn't have the time this weekend (was working on the employees taxes) but now you have time to do this?"

Counselor to DH: Are you opposed to calling your DD and telling her to get back over and collect her things - her old laptop, her health food products and her garbage, vacuum out the room and leave it the way she got it?

DH: No.

Counselor: Good, then work on that and give her til Saturday.

Me: Don't you think it's been too long or she'll say she was working too hard on the other house???

Counselor: It doesn't matter. She didn't do the right thing after you did the right thing for 8 mos. And, she was allowed to stay rent-free, bills-free, in gorgeous digs all that time. That's the price she has to pay now - to clean it all up - and it should be spotless!

I'll feel like a complete fool if she comes and I'm there! She'll know it was me complaining - come on, how often has Dad complained about household chores....You know what? I'm over it. Better her than me - and if DH lifts a finger, I'll redirect him into doing something I need done for US!

Dana

Don't feel like a fool, Dana! That is your house. She certainly didn't feel like a fool when she "left" behind what she didn't want. She left a mess because she knew either you would clean it up yourself or daddy dearest would take care of it. You have every right to insist that her room and BR be left in the condition in which she began using them.

Keep repeating your counselor's words over and over to yourself every time you let that foolish feeling creep up on you!

"Counselor: It doesn't matter. She didn't do the right thing after you did the right thing for 8 mos. And, she was allowed to stay rent-free, bills-free, in gorgeous digs all that time. That's the price she has to pay now - to clean it all up - and it should be spotless!"

My youngest SD stays the weekend with us on occassion. At first, she would leave wet towels on the carpet, didn't make the bed and left a mess. She's 25.

I cleaned up after her the first few times and didn't say anything. The next time it happened, after she left, I brought my husband into the guestroom and bathroom and suggested we just shut the door and the next time she stayed over, she would find the room and bathroom as she left it.

My husband likes an immaculate house and the thought of having a dirty room behind a closed door is enough to make him nuts. He ended up cleaning the rooms and he must have talked to her because since then, she has been very careful to clean up after herself.

Laurels: You're right and I'm feeling less and less bad about it today!

June: I had the exact scenario when my SDs were teenagers. They'd even move the beds to block the door so I had to go through a different bedroom and the Jack 'n Jill bathroom that adjoined the two bedrooms to get into their room. Maybe they were trying to shield me from the mess and it was a mess. But, I couldn't leave it for TWO weeks til they returned - YUK! Back then, I had no kids of my own, so I wasn't as exhausted as these days. But, they would also be really gross from a female standpoint and leave bloodied towels all over the room. There was just no excuse for that. I told them that accidents happen, but either tell me immediately or put hydrogen peroxide on the sheets/towels so they wouldn't be stained. Never happened, of course and I wonder what their own stuff looks like - I imagine they wouldn't want THEIR things ruined!

Dana

Dana,

She left female stuff there, also. I didn't specifically point that out to DH, but as he was cleaning, he had to contend with that, too.

I did tell him I was leaving it (don't know if I really could have done it) but fortunately, he stepped in and did his best. This was really good, in that he could see what it is like to be treated like a maid. He even said that she never would have left a mess like that for her mother to clean.

I am positive he talked to her about it because she has never done it again!