Why would you plan social events after working two 15hr shifts? Why not leave the get-togethers for times when you are up to socializing? By over extending yourself, you may have sent the 'message' (without meaning to) that you're not interested and/or flat out dislike family events. While you're dead tired and in dire need of personal relaxing, they're seeing a lady who is half a sleep in the chair and one that seemed bothered and antisocial towards what should be a fun event. These ladies are adults. They have homes of their own. They can invite Dad and you over occassionally and host events (they do the work) and you have the option of accepting invite or declining due to heavy work schedule. When you do the inviting and hosting, plan it on weekends that actually will be relaxing and enjoyable to you. I actually think a different home is a reasonable suggestion by your partner. The ladies childhood home? The oldest is 30. These ladies naturally view you as the outsider in this long held house. If partner is finacially able to sell his home and desires to set up a new environment, let him. New house, new start. Partner and you are planning on beginning a future as man and wife...do you really want to start it in a house where you're the outsider. Go house hunting. Let husband gather up the items in his present home that he no longer needs and/or the two of you plan on using. Give the items of personal maaning to the ladies and sell the rest. New home, new beginnings. Leave the sentimental strings behind you. 'The Meeting' was a bad idea. Too confrontational. And remember, respect goes two ways. These are not children, they're adults. They desire as much respect as adult children of your partner and you do the respect due you as partner's new mate. Don't blame them their father took so many phone calls his business suffered. He's an adult. He can pick up the phone once and announce 'not a good time'. Instead he chose to take all the calls...don't excuse his role in the issue. At 40 I'm going to assume you have held your own home until recently when you moved in with your partner. Do you still own it? You might consider spending time in your past home while your partner makes some serious decisions. Not a choice of 'you or them', but a workable solution as to how to blend all his ladies into his life. He needs to sit his daughters down and they (Dad/daughters) are the ones who should have been having that 'meeting'. He needs to come to an understanding with his daughters. He does not need their permission to select a partner. He does not need to be available to them 24/7 (he and they are all adults now). He loves them and he loves you...nothing you do is going to change his love for them and nothing they do (hissy fits and turning in keys) is going to change his love for you. And yes, my mother had a SO for 22yrs. She never married him, kept all assests and financials apart, and she kept her own home. She never gave up her house and basically spent time in both houses. My mother's SO's daughter went out of her way to be controling and a grown up spoiled hateful brat. My mother chose not to be controled by this daughter, nor to let this daughter control mom's relationship with SO.

I agree with a lot of what you people are saying. To me when it all comes down to it, it's how a stepmother acts in the situation. If she doesn't expect a stepchild to come through like her 'biological' child, they won't. A stepchild needs to feel equal, and part of the family. Not like an obligation, like they aren't good enough, like they are being squashed into the household. Being an adult means that you're the supposed to be the bigger person and teach them respect. By teaching them respect I don't mean pounding it into them, I don't mean letting them walk all over you. I mean you need to show them respect to get some back. Just because you're an adult it doesn't mean you deserve respect before them. Respect isn't earned, that just goes back to making the child feeling unfit. Respect is mutual, it goes both ways. You need to think of it from their perspective. Make it easier for them. That is what parents are supposed to do. They are supposed to comfort them, be there for them. Stepchildren or not they need to be treated like any other child in the household. If they aren't what makes you think they are gonna treat you with any sort of esteem? Personally I have gone through both physical and verbal abuse through my childhood, more verbal than physical. I suffered from depression. Nobody knew, not even me. I came from a messy situation involving more abuse with my mom and her boyfriend. I left my home that I was just getting used to, I moved a lot when I was younger. I left the only father I really knew, who abused my mom. I left my younger half brother and sister increasing my anxiety. I mean nobody knew these things, not really anyways. They saw the police reports, and knew about the anger management courses my stepfather went through. But they didnt really know. They never heard about my stepfather telling me to choose if I want to move two hundred miles away with the father I hardly knew. I only chose this because I knew my mom would come and get us when her bipolar was under control. That she wouldnt go back to the guy that would hurt her if she saw me move away. We were just too close for her not to. We did go to some counseling for the court. I didnt know this, and the councilor I was with told me it would be a secret, just for me and her. That she would make me feel better. I really trusted her. To have my own mother, and my stepmother approach me about what had clearly not been confidential hurt me. I pretended after that. I pretended everything was okay so I wouldnt have to see the councilor anymore. She bought it. I refuse to visit a professional therapist to this day. Dont get me started on how I should. I know, and I will when I am ready. For now I have my best friend who too has in her past had similar problems, and a very kind caring boyfriend. Moving in with a woman and her boy was increasingly stressful. At first she was nice. At first she brought us places, smiled a lot, and praised us for what we did right. She even quit smoking because of my asthma; my stepfather didnt even do that. I liked her, I let my guard down. I get it, its always this way when you first meet. As time progressed she laid a ton of responsibility on me, doing all the household chores to avoid going to the babysitters. When I was living with my mom I took care of my three younger siblings, I was responsible and twelve is definitely old enough to stay home for a few hours by yourself. She didnt trust me, to this day she doesnt. I havent done anything to break her respect. I have been nothing but respectful and paitent her. She began reading my personal journals, things I used to vent, going through my room, my personal belongings. Praising only her son while telling me how bad I was at everything. Scolding me for having feelings, and so I will admit I became irritable. Throughout my childhood I was a shy girl. I didnt really fight back, I was scared of her. You arent supposed to be scared of guardians, step or not it was her responsibility to be a parent figure. I lived in that house for four years. Relieved I left and moved back to my moms house, leaving my friends, and a place I lived in longer than any other. Some might call it running away, I dont really care. To this day our relationship, in short terms sucks. I am still hurt by her. I am hurt that my dad stuck his head in a bottle and ignored it. I am hurt that he chose her over me. That he didnt protect me. After moving to my moms house, with her husband of six months, things got better. I left ends loose with my dad. It took one final fight for me to move permanently, one fight about me crying on the telephone to my mom. The court didnt see her fit to care for me at the time, but I was old enough to decide for myself. My dad had practically told me in his drunken haze to get out. I did. I was sick of it. My younger sister moved with me. My younger sister who was treated more of a daughter from my father and stepmother than I. It ticked me off that she would be treated better despite the fact that biologically she didnt know her father. They seemed happy enough without us. Two months later my step mom parked the car up on the sidewalk, making my biggest fear come true. She climbed out of the car attempting to guilt me. My mom, step dad, sister and I were living with my step grandma. She started yelling at me. I was so scared I couldnt move. I tried to but ever time I stepped she would yell. She told me how cruel I was, to leave my dad who cried every night since I left. She told me how stupid I was to leave. She scolded me for moving an hour away in the hood of our city. She told me everything I already felt guilty about. She trenched up everything I buried deep within. I just stood their motionless tears streaming down my burning cheeks. Finally she left, and I cried, I cried because I didnt mean to hurt anyone. I cried because my making things better had backfired, as usual. I then stormed in the house crying, screaming, I was hysterical. I couldnt help it. My mom told me it was ok. I knew she was lying to make me feel better. Her childhood wasnt lollipops and daisies either, Im sorry that she didnt learn from it like I have. I practiced writing a letter about how I feel to my dad, I never could send one. Four months from that day on the sidewalk two doors away from my house my dad called. My sister had been visiting every second weekend. I hid in the house holding my breath till they were gone. He called and told me I was coming to Disneyland with the family. I obliged just glad he didnt sound mad, grouchy that it took so long for him to forgive me, or in that case bribe me. The trip was two weeks in a motor home. Not as bad as I had thought it would be. I dont remember much. They didnt force me to talk, I dont think my step mom mentioned the outburst that day. I am surprised to this day that they hadnt interrogated me, usually they wouldve. I was a stress case by the time I got home so nerved by being in such a small space with the two people I despised. I visited an odd weekend here and there. Spent a Christmas with my dad while my step mom and stepbrother went to Disneyland again without my younger sister or I. Again I was feeling the wrath of my truly evil stepmother spoiling her son. He came back with loads of toys and clothing, bought us a couple outfits that I pretended to like. She still really didnt, and to this day doesnt know me. I did home schooling for my grade eleven year. Two years after I moved away. I was having trouble coping with my issues. It got better. Not the relationship of my step mom, dad or I but my feelings. To this day I am scarred by it. I allow myself to think of it as something to grow from, something to learn from. I will never forget it, and one day I will forgive them. I fear to have kids, fear that I could turn out anything like them. I have never been mad at my mom she was going through her own stressful time. She was coping how she knew. The court gave her no other choice. Aside from that fact she moved two hundred miles to be close to my sister and I. She is happy now, finally finding a man that cares for us. I hope this just goes to show you how awful things can get. Being a kid it is tough. Especially when youre faced with ultimatums a child shouldnt have to face. So I realize you will all say my situation was a little out there. You gotta understand that if you fool around with it too much it can get this bad. Kids are kids, they need nuturment, they need love. If you can give them that you are well off. If you can't maybe you should back off and not make things any worse. Children don't understand the tit for tat thing, they indeed don't need any of that stupidity in their lives. You rub off on them, and what you do could affect who they will be. Being an ADULT comes with responsibility, and if you aren't ready for it then your relationship might not be worth it. As tiring as it gets there has gotta be some good, just a little that is worth the pain. If not you aren't ready to be a step-parent.

vanessa1960, you are definitely not wrong!!! You made your request a long time ago and you stick to this! There is NO way these SK's can take this home away from your daughter....and I would let them know that right now. Although, I would go to an attorney with your will and make sure everything is stated that cannot be argued over. If this home is to go to your husband if you pass before him....sounds like he will give to his kids. I am not sure of your laws in your state...in Alabama if your husband's name is not on the deed - it will go to your children - not his. My husband argued this with me when we married and "assumed" our home would automatically go to me (my name originally was not on the deed)..we went to an attorney when I sold my home and I asked our closing attorney what would happen if he died....he said IF my name was not on the deed, it would automatically go to his kids...and they could put my daughter and myself on the street. As long as you have EVERYTHING covered - no one can touch this...as matter of fact - if you pass first - your daughter could make him move...although I am sure that would not happen, but sounds like if it is the other way around...your SS will kick someone out! This home should go to your daughter - it was in YOUR family...I would not budge (you made this clear in the beginning) your SS can do NOTHING - good luck.

Patriffel, I know its a dismay from the mere fact the daily routine life will change. And it will be crowded in the house. BUt you have to set guidelines and define a time limit here. Its doesn't matter if its a stepchild, a biochild, a cousin or best friend. I just had my house usurped for the last month and i had enough. I told my husband ' no more stray dogs, we did our help with two people and now the doors are closed. ' We had two people stay in our house for two different reasons. We set time limits and it worked well but let me tell you , it was a relief when these people left. Both were in a jam. One lost their job and their apartment but she got on her feet quick and was out in a month. The other i gave her 4 months to get on her feet because her husband booted her out of the house. She has worse issues and i'm glad after 2 weeks she left! Its nice to help. Its your husbands son and two grandkids so of course he will be thrilled. But i'm sure after a few weeks that thrill will definitely subside. Its only natural. People need their space. So you need to sit down with your husband and your SS to set a time limit. You tell them its fine but there is a time limit. Set a reasonable time. Now it might be 3 months or more but set the max you can handle and then just deal with it. Its not forever but hey, its a jam, help out a bit , i know you've done your duty but be very open and honest about the time limit and make sure its kept. If several months pass then scrap it out with hubby and tell him , its been so many months and if no progress is made its abuse. Period. If he wants to help his son and his son is not responsible to fix things in a few months, then he can help his son by finding him another place to live and he can baby sit the grandkids. This is another solution. I do not know all the details and of course knowing more info will help all of us to give you advice but we'ld like to hear how its going. THis is not a permanent thing. So do not worry.