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For Stepchildren - A Step-Grandma Question

19 years ago

How do you feel about caring SMs who are willing and able to lovingly accept your children as grandchildren? Do you see this as a negative or would you welcome another grandparent into your child's life? Would you allow the grandchild to call your SM "Grandma "Last Name" or would you prefer something like "Grandma "First Name" or possibly a nickname?

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Comments (10)

vistajpdf
19 years ago
I'd love it and I'd probably opt for Grandma First Name or nickname, depending on how long the last name is. I've found that little ones often try to pronounce a name and it ends up being something cute and it sticks. I love that. My dad is Bob. For some reason, my sons call him "Bob-Bob" which actually sounds like "Ba-ba" as it a bottle. My DNephews call him Bud. So, 6 g-sons and not one calls him "Grandpa" or something similar, lol.

So, this is your SM you refer to and your children?

I truly believe it takes a village to raise a child, and the more caring, loving adults who help out in this journey, the better.

My maternal g-mother passed away very early. I was a young child. Much later, my beloved g-father met a wonderful woman. She was the g-mother figure in my life and the lives of my brother and two first cousins. She passed on a few months before my wedding, but she knew that I wanted her sitting right up front w/ my g-father and taking the role on as my g-mother. She was so sweet, and said, "Dana, do you think that would be proper?" I said, "It wouldn't be proper if you weren't right there w/ the rest of the family." I cried a river when she died. She and my g-father never wed, he wasn't of that generation. In fact, it wasn't until after he died that my parents actually said that they had always wanted them to marry. I was shocked. I said, "They were an item?" We laughed. In retrospect, I guess it was clear - they had that love/hate thing going on that we all know oh so well!
Dana
lilysuzanne40
19 years ago
Any time a child's life can be enriched by the presence of a loving and caring adult, it is a good thing. Only a fool would stand in the way of that. As far as what the kids call the step, I think whatever works is good. My sister's children have always had different names for different sets of grandparents. The paternal grandparents are Nonna and Pop, while my dad is Grandpa. My stepmother refuses to have anything to do with my dad's grandchildren, so it isn't an issue.
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notwicked
Original Author
19 years ago
Ladies -
I soooo appreciate your replies to my question - and yes, they made me cry - with sadness that my SD has shut me out. It has caused an estrangement between her and her dad because he is so hurt that she would do this.

We don't understand her reasons for this as she continues to say that she considers me a "grandma" to her child but yet hasn't contacted her dad since their last talk three months ago.

She promised to give us an updated picture of her child but didn't follow through. She did not send her dad a birthday card nor contact him on Father's Day. It is a sad, sad situation in our lives when SD refuses to share her feelings with her father so they can work something out in order to have a better relationship. If she would be honest and let him know where any resentments lie, I'm sure they could work things out and we could move on. My DH is not a confronter but when he has tried talking to both of his children about the tensions in the familiy, they get very defensive and shut down any further communication. We are both at wits' end and have resigned ourselves to a "wait and see" attitude - maybe as they mature they will learn to communicate their feelings.

If you ladies have any further suggestions or comments, please share them with me. Thank you so much!
vistajpdf
19 years ago
Oh, honey, I didn't realize you are the willing (step)g-ma in the scenario.

I don't know. I hear how you're suffering. Perhaps the SD doesn't realize what she's doing to you and her father.

I don't know about the waiting and seeing. Sometimes, people get used to not having others in their lives. I'd hate for the estrangement to just become so routine that it is considered life as usual.

Give me some more info: How long have you been married to your DH? What age was she when you entered the picture? Did you always feel resentment? Do you think this is a recent dev't between SD and your DH or more w/ you? What about her DH? Is he someone you could confide in and express this disappointment or would that just irritate her more? Is her mother in the picture, and if so, do you think she is the jealous one - wanting to be the only g-ma?

W/ my steps being older (I'm 19 yr. younger than DH), I have wondered what my role would be if they had children. They call me by my first name, so I assume they'd have their kids do the same. If her mother is in the picture, I'd just suggest a nickname for you to show you aren't trying to replace the maternal g-ma.

Sheesh. It shouldn't be this difficult! I'm so sorry you are hurt in this manner. It isn't right.

Dana
notwicked
Original Author
19 years ago
Hi Dana -
Thank you for your caring reply. Yes, my SD was resentful from day-one. My DH says she would've responded to any new wife this way. He has never had a close relationship with her b/c he can't trust her - he believes she is a pathological liar. And yes, her mother is in the picture. In fact, we were doing pretty well with her until the day her baby was born and we were all together for a short period at the hospital. After that, her discourteousness towards me turned rancid and my DH actually witnessed it for himself - up to that point she had been pretty discreet about it when he was around. We have been married six years. Her newest thing now that she is estranged from my DH is in trying to destroy my SS's relationship with my DH and SS has always been close to DH. It's a very sad and shameful commentary.
kkny
19 years ago
I am confused. You say SD was resentful from day one. But then you visit her in the hospital. Sometimes what I see here is SMs who think they are attached to the hip of their DH. Maybe part of it comes from knowing that DH cheated on first wife, and they want to keep him in sight.
sweeby
19 years ago
Or, could it be they love their husbands and want to be an integral part of his life?
theotherside
19 years ago
I think kkny is right. Sometimes it is also about status or position - ie she wants to make clear her position as "wife." No one in their right mind would insist upon visiting relatives who couldn't stand them just because they want to be an integral part of their husband's life. It's not like he is going to be away for a month.
kkny
19 years ago
A SM can be a major part of her DHs life without pushing into skids lives. Most DH hours are not spent with skids.

I think in the end forcing your way in is conter productive.

Which may be why second marriages have a higher failure rate than first.
vistajpdf
19 years ago
Well, the visiting in the hospital could have gone either way. After my first, I was so thrilled that any and all prior grievances w/ anyone seemed to be far overshadowed by our joy. So, when my DH's X came to see me and the baby, I was very pleasantly surprised and our relationships all improved. I thought it was weird, but no one was going to rain on my parade and she was fairly respectful of us. OK, it turned weird afterwards as she was always taking photos of my son at events and carrying the pics in her wallet! This after trying to ruin my life for the prior few years, but I won't continue on this digression...

I had 2 visitors who came to the hospital that I thought, "What are they thinking?" One was a patient and one a friend of my former best friend (who became Bridezilla, thus ending our friendship) whom I barely knew.

I don't think it all entirely odd that the SM and father of the new mom would go to the hospital. I'm sure they came bearing gifts, flowers or whatever. Everyone is excited about a new baby in the family, so it's a real shame that this event couldn't have been the icebreaker.

That being said, the new mom does have 80 times the normal amt. of estrogen in her body. It can make her more volatile, more emotional, etc. Her behavior since is deplorable, however, and there's no excuse to try to estrange her brother from her father.

Do you think she would at all respond to a simple and humble apology for whatever is wrong? You could start by saying, "I know you aren't happy I am in your father's life, but I really only want to make him happy. I was so hoping that we would all be a family, and that your little angel would somehow add warmth and love to our strained relationship. I'm so sorry if I offended you at the hospital. It wasn't my intention. Perhaps I was overeager to see this little miracle, but, really, I just need to know how to make things right between all of us. This is tearing your father apart inside and I really only have the best of intentions..."

Other than that, I have no idea of what else you could possibly try.

Dana

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