Looks like you've (well maybe not you , but your DH)created a monster. This is exactly the type of thing that makes my DH and I feel ok about not footing the bill. There are lots of kids just like your SS. My son (a sophmore in college) says that lots of his friends/acquaintances are exactly the same way. They don't care, because it's not their dime. They have no sense of acting like an adult or responsibilty. Most don't care if they have to drop a class or retake it, because, again, it's not their dime.

Good luck to you!

Nicksmom,

There is no need to generalize. Plenty of kids whose parents pay for college are responsible. I know them. There is no need to rationalize not paying.

And Tamar,

Nicksmom's stepchildren's maternal grandparents are paying tuition, room and board. But still Nicksmom has to gloat that her DH doesnt pay.

Oh yeah, and Tamar...
You'll learn REAL quick all about the *fantastic* loads of BS you'll get from KKNY...it won't take you but a minute...I promise.

But yes, KKNY...there are plenty of responsible kids. If Tamar's were one of them, I don't think she'd be here, now would she? And I didn't say that all kids are irresponsible...I simply said that "there are lots of kids"...that are.

BTW, kkny,
They are also paying for books.

And I have never "gloated"...

Oh, and you forgot to mention that MY son is paying his OWN way. Now....I'm gloating!

Yup, there are a lot of kids who are....I have one of them as my SD! It is exactly this kind of irresponsibility that drives me nuts. But, to be fair, as nicksmom says -- the parents created a monster.

Now I'm really irritated. Since this whole parking garage thing started today, I've been thinking and remembering all these little things. You know, the little things we swallow as stepmoms not because, as it has been pointed out here, we are NOT the bio-parents, so we have no right to say anything, but rather because, as bitter as they are, we want our blended families to run smoothly, and we try to overlook the the things we would do differently with our bio-children, or at least have more tolerance for them.

These little things include lying about a job at Quizno's in high school in order to get us to buy a car (see a pattern here?); quitting a travel hockey team midway through the season, with thousands of dollars in ice time still due, in order to spend more time hanging out with friends; having those friends come over at all hours, day and night, to engage in underage drinking and marijuana smoking in our barn, etc. etc. The one constant in all of this is how DH chose to handle things. The way these unfortunate incidents unfold? DH doesn't deal with them until he can no longer avoid them, then SS21 gets very defensive, goes on the offense, gets very angry at DH for calling him out, and DH ends up apologizing. And there is very little consequence for poor and irresponsible behavior.

Have you suggested counseling? Some people here dont beleive in it. I think if people want to have a better relationship, and in SSs case want help in sorting out how to transition to adult it can help.

I don't know about counseling, but parenting classes might have helped.

You may require counseling to figure out how in the world you're not gonna ring your husband's neck, though.

Tamar, I'm not going to try and minimize the seriousness of some of those things or to suggest that a kid should just be able to get away with stuff like that with no consequences, or that you have no right to be upset, nor will I ignore the fact that ---as a step-parent--- you've had frustrations with the situation that are different & perhaps more complicated than a bio-parent would....

The main thing to remember, though, is that ---as bad as some of these behaviors have been and as dramatic as they are as they are occuring--- much of this stuff falls under the heading of "normal teenage behavior". It doesn't make it less stressful for you while it's happening, it doesn't mean it should go unchallenged or undisciplined when it occurs, and it doesn't excuse the behavior.

The KEY THING, though, that needs to be remembered from your perspective as a step (and not a bio) parent is the difference between being upset/frustrated at the *behavior* as vs. holding deep, possibly permanent, and personal resentment for SS as a human being. THAT is really the difference between how most bio-parents vs. most step-parents would view the situation. SS, in all likelihood, is NOT a malicious person. Some of his behavior up til now may be obnoxious, selfish and disrespectful, even bratty. And it needs to be addressed... for the primary reason that he needs to learn that he will not always be able to skate by and that one day it will be HIS DIME that all this waste occurs on. But none of his misdeeds are beyond the pale of what many, many, many parents go through while they're raising kids and what one day they all look back on together and even LAUGH about, believe it or not.

Try and remember back to when you were in high school and college. It's possible YOU were perfect and 100% considerate of your parents' money and never ONCE told a lie to them or tried to get away with something. But even if that's true, it's likely you knew --and even may have been very good friends with--- kids who did. And far worse. Now think about where you & those kids are today and how well, comparatively, you turned out. I'm sure you and those other kids love your parents and are not forever estranged. I'm betting that your parents and the parents of those kids did not hold grudges over those teenage crimes forever. One of my uncles almost came to blows with his father (my grandfather) as a teen; today, many years later, he is the most dutiful of all his siblings at attending to the man's every need in his old age. Another one of my uncles DID come to blows with one of his teachers in high school ---beat the man up!--- and knocked up a 15-year-old girl. Today he is the gentlest and most gracious person, who enjoys baking, birdwatching and gathering his extended family around him for holidays, etc.

As for step-parents, I know it's not easy, or necessarily even natural, for a step-parent to see your situation in quite the same broad and unconditional view as most bio-parents with their bio-children. But it's not impossible, either. My stepfather, who lived with me through my entire teens (and my adjustments to puberty, several moves and two new step-parental figures, and all my experimentation and mood swings) surely at times wished he could wring my neck. We had shouting matches and were both at times insulting and disrespectful of each other. I lied to him, I experimented with drugs, I stayed out all night & "forgot" to call, I did poorly in school at times and skipped classes, surely wasted some of his money now that I think about it, etc, etc, etc. But now he and I have all the love & admiration & laughs in the world with each other. Know why? Because he didn't take any of my teenage bullsh*t personally, thus he didn't hold it against ME as a person. In contrast, my Dad's GF, who only ever had to see me about three weeks out of the year during my teens (b/c I was always on my absolute best behavior when I visited my Dad, always walking on eggshells) basically despises me and holds deep grudges, to this day (I'm 32) for things such as my Chrsitmas visits somehow meant she couldn't go see her family, or I once made the mistake at 16 of sharing photos I found of many members of my extended family which happened to precede ---and thus did not include--- her. So different strokes for different folks, I guess. Point being: you can one day have a great relationship with your SS if you just keep reminding yourself that one day he will most likely grow up to be a decent, caring, mature human being.

Just remember to be mad as hell at what the kid has DONE ---and do address it--- without getting in the habit of holding it against him forever or convincing yourself he's a rotten person and will be forever. Most bio-parents, even, go through a period where they "hate" their kids (or come very close to it). But that tends to go away as this phase in the kids' lives comes to a close. That is the most important thing to remember.

Counseling has been suggested for SS21. He bore the brunt of his mother's alcoholic drunken rages when he was not even 5 years old yet. His parents divorced when he was 12, and his mother moved away when he was 17. Add to this the guilt he must have felt for turning SS18 onto drugs and alcohol when they were in middle school (SS18 is the son that was in rehab for 6 months last year).

It's a funny thing about counseling. The boys' mother was a social worker. Everyone, and I mean everyone, in her family is in therapy. SS18 is in therapy. The concept is not foreign to our family. Unfortunately, it's kind of been twisted for SS21. When he was a college freshman living in a double dorm, he hated it. He hated it so much he ended up transferring to another college that allowed sophomores to live off campus. Anyway, prior to transferring, his mother told him to "play the mental health card" with the administration to get a single room. When he told me this, I was flabergasted. Afterall, she is a mental health professional!

It came back to bite her in the butt. This past Christmas season, both boys were supposed to visit her on the east coast for the holidays. The morning of the flight, SS21 was "feeling too anxious about things that happened in the past that hadn't been dealt with," and he didn't want to fly out to see his mother. The "feeling anxious" is not typical of SS21, but blowing off travel plans to see his mother is. He did it once before when he wanted to spend the summer hanging out with his friends. Well, this time, DH let him stay home, called mother and let her know he was feeling anxious, she went into "mental health professional" mode, DH set up appointment with therapist for son, son ended up spending that week hanging out in the city with his friends who have an apartment there. When she called to see how he was doing, and I told her that he's been staying over at his friends, she was pi$$ed. She asked me, "You let him go out?" Really, not my call. I'm just the stepmom. Anyway, it looks like he may have played the mental health card to get out of going to his mom's so he could hang with this friends. You reap what you sow. I have always loved my SS21, but as he matures to adulthood, it's becoming more and more apparent that he can be pretty selfish and manipulating.

He never went to see the therapist. He's 21. We can't make him go if he doesn't want to.

First of all it isn't normal teenage stuff for 2 reasons: 1) he isn't a teenager and 2) while he may try to push boundaries, his father should be not allowing him to get away with this stuff.

Yes, we all tried to get away with things when we were teens, but the extent that he pushes -- then gets away with it all -- tells him that it is ok to be irresponsible because someone will bail him out. This is where I don't understand HOW parents think this is good for the kid?! Eventually they will be on their own and no one other than mom or dad will accept that kind of behavior. So, as the parent, you are essentially setting them up to fail. Granted, I fall into the category of being a little strict, but I think that it is our collective responsibility -- whether your a bio or step parent, to ensure the kids learn these lessons. Not to mention that you rob them of the opportunity to work hard for something and experiencing the joy of getting it BECAUSE THEY WORKED FOR IT.

JMHO.........

yes, Jersey, I think it is agreed by all that the behavior needs to be addressed, corrected and not simply excused or allowed to continue unimpeded.

The main point I am trying to make is to try and keep separate the upset over the *misbehavior* from any kind of deeply personalized long-standing resentment against the *person* as a whole because it will only cause unnecessary pain for everyone involved. The behavior can be [better] addressed without harboring a deep-seated personal grudge over it. I'm not even saying Tamar is at that point yet ---she is probably just venting here--- but it's a trap to try and avoid falling into.

You also have a valid point about this is a 21-year-old, not a teenager. To be fair, though, our society now is one where less and less 21-year-olds can really merit the term "adult" based on full 100% maturity as regards things like paying 100% of their own way, or being responsible enough to consider marriage and children of their own, or even being able to find jobs that will let them be 100% independent right away. So this SS's behavior *is* still, in fact (and unfortunately) quite normal. Not saying this is a GOOD thing at all, but it is absolutely common for MANY 21-year-olds (at least American ones) to be alot more like teenagers than adults. I attribute the phenomenon to several factors:

-to a small extent: the kid's individual personality and predisposition to "work the system" or "take the easy way out"
-to a small extent: the way a kid's raised by his parents (not enough direct & logical consequences for his actions)
-to a larger extent: the way many other parents are raising their children, which is quite often lately HIGHLY indulged with material possessions, "helicopter parenting" where many parents have a sense of entitlement FOR their kid (as in: "I find Brittany's 'C' in your class unacceptable. Change it or I'll file a complaint with the school board")
-but even this is a result of what's becoming a much more competitive job market... which means that post-secondary and post-graduate degrees and qualifications are more important than ever in being able to have any chance at a job that will allow a 21-year-old (but more realistically a 26-year-old) to be able to fully support himself with no help from parents whatsoever. Hence the ratcheting up of pressure to have the top grades, the best of everything as a "competitive advantage"
-and THAT is largely a function of a scary economy, which leads to another cause of this phenomenon: denial. Many people would rather live in a fool's paradise when the economy starts to get scary... or they financially console themselves over other financial losses by being indulgent in other areas. For many people, this means living in big credit card debt to have unncessary luxuries or to keep up appearances or keep up with the Joneses. For many people, this gets applied directly to their kids, who become more spoiled and with no idea (based on having no adequate role model) of the importance of living within your means.

So it's very complex & widespread, and even if this particular SS is not being encouraged to remain a perpetual adolescent, many, many of his peers probably are. Thus he is probably to some extent rationalizing his misbehavior and immaturity by looking at to what his peers are able to get away with. Again, that's not to exonerate him in any way for his own misbehavior... it just provides a real-world context for why it may have developed and why it can be hard to fight. And why it is more the 'norm' than many people want to think it is.

I am just venting here. It is far better to do that here than take it out on DH. I would not hold this behavior against my SS21. I do understand that it is not entirely his fault. While he does seem to have a predisposition to "work the system," and it doesn't seem that he feels any guilt or embarrassment by his lack of contribution and his deception, I hold both my DH and his ex-wife responsible for what I believe to be learned behavior.

SS21 did not come to live in our household full-time until after he started his last year in high school. Up until that time, he lived with his mother, who often was too tired or too busy to parent effectively. It was very frustrating as the stepmom to watch from the sidelines as SS21 was arrested not once, not twice, but three times in high school for marijuana possession. His BM made excuses each time - it's a right of passage in our affluent community, everyone gets arrested for drugs or alcohol, the cops had no right to stop him. It was ridiculous. There were no consequences. She didn't take away privileges. In fact, the week after his first arrest, she took him to get his driver's license! He never held any kind of job in high school, so it's not a huge surprise that he doesn't want to work now. Both parents gave him any spending money he needed.

Unfortunately, when SS21 came to live with us, it took a VERY long time to address some of the issues. His mom's house was the party house, and those friends started coming here. DH did not nip that in the bud right away, as he should have, because he didn't want son to be angry at him. It took me telling him that if the pot and beer parties didn't cease immediately, I would be taking the 4 younger children and leaving. I refused to raise my family in that environment.

We are not making the same mistakes with our subsequent children. SS18 came to us when he was much younger, so he was used to rules and curfews. It's not to say he didn't chafe, and that he didn't want to go live with his mother when she moved back briefly. I posted last year about that catastrophe. He ended up in the hospital, in the psych ward, with a drug and alcohol addiction and self-cutting issues. He was in rehab for 6 months. We learned while he was in rehab that he starting drinking and using drugs during middle school, while hanging out at his mom's with older brother. There was no supervision in that household. We also learned that when he went to live with his mom, she allowed him to drink with his friends. As he explained, "It's not that she let me drink. It was that she was too tired." I'm sorry. If you're going to get too tired to be a good parent to your kids, you shouldn't have kids. It's just an excuse for not wanting to be bothered.

Anyway, despite the setback of 6 months of rehab, SS18 still graduated early from high school, with honors, and completed his first semester at community college this past spring, on the Dean's List with a 4.0. He has stopped complaining about not being to go way for his first two years of school, since he understands why that is. He is taking two summer school classes, and he is, as a matter of fact, working at his job at Quizno's right now. He initially resisted getting a summer job, since he received quite a lot of graduation money and didn't feel he should have to get a job if he didn't need the money. But he came around to understanding that working a couple hours a week in food service will benefit him, now and in the future, in many more ways than he can fully appreciate now. (Sorry, KKNY, I know how you feel about menial jobs for teenagers ...)

DD15 is chomping at the bit to be able to get a part-time job. Unlike her older brothers, she does not receive large cash gifts from her maternal side of the family (sorry, kiddo, but your mom's parents aren't fabulously wealthy, LOL), so any spending money she has, she actually has to earn, either through extra household chores, or babysitting.

I have tried to teach the younger kids (SS18, DD15, DD11 and DS6) personal responsibility. As an example, while I do pay for cell phones for the the 4 oldest, I do not pay extra for "insurance." At $5/phone/month, that would be $25/ month in insurance. My rule is if you break your phone, you pay to replace it. SS18 has had to replace two phones, and DD15 has had to replace one. They are more careful now. SS21 got his mom to replace his phone. I know this because they called me from the phone store to get my SSN.

I'm feeling that as far as trying to teach SS21 anything about personal responsibility and consideration for others and what they do for him, it is, at this late stage, a lost cause. It seems that anytime there is an issue, DH is more than happy to bail him out so as not to have son upset at him. I really feel that there is not much I can do about this. I just hope that I'm not in Cattlettuce's position next year when SS21 graduates college ...