Anger is understandable, but holding onto it for months & directing it at a 12- or 13-year-old who's lost his mother & who now is living with you is destructive.

Your anger is making his life/attitude/problems *worse*.

This kid has lost his mother, & you're *still* angry because "no one ever said that I would get stuck with this when I married my husband."

Do you think anyone ever told your husband that he'd get stuck with it?

or told this young boy he'd get stuck with it?

Stamp your foot & be mad at hubs's ex for dying if you want to, but *leave that anger there* & do not take it out on the living.

but the answer to your question is:

The way you get out of it is to get out of it.

Here is a link that might be useful: ekcs other post

Sounds like you're a bit overwhelmed today. Take up yoga, do something for yourself, but please don't begrudge this little boy for something he had no control over.

As I've said many times, a child will call out for the parent who abused him while in the ER as he is tended to for his beating. There is a bond there that is very strong, even when the mother is a drug abusing prostitute w/ no time for the child.

Your ss needs the counseling so I hope he has a support network in that dept. Her sudden death is inexplicable to him. So many things he wants to now say to her - let him write to her as we all know writing is great therapy - and you just keep venting to us in order to spare him during your frustrating times.

Is there anyone else in the family who can lend you a hand? What is the main issue? Is he struggling in school, socially, or just depressed? It's a lot of effort to raise children as you well know - long hours, not a lot of reward on some days, and a lot of exhaustion w/ no real vacations!

Come here, vent (hopefully we can be supportive and not judgemental - keep asking for support not criticism) and then regroup and go at it one day at a time - heck, one hour at a time if need be.

Is your DH supportive? I can't remember, but is this the boy who was so depressed that you posted about a couple of months ago?

It's a shame you can't find a decent counselor. Are there any stepparenting groups or any support network? Are there others at school who are also on this journey?

I think the boy needs an interest which will be a huge self-esteem boost for him. Find something for him - don't take 'no' for an answer, and get him involved. Sports, music, anything. He needs to get out and get active. The less idle time on his hands, the less time to 'think' about his sorrow.

I lost my g-father two + yrs ago and a day doesn't go by when I don't cry my eyes out. He WAS wonderful, but even if he wasn't, only the good is remembered after one's passing. I think I told you about "Widow's Syndrome" where the deceased is remembered as a saint, to it's hard to go on w/o him/her.

View the SS as damaged right now and feel empowered. You can almost single-handedly make a difference in a life that could either go down the tubes or rise above his shaky start.

Reach out to other family members. Keep him busy. I think someone suggested letting him draw or write. And, tell him that his mother is still with him and he can talk to her at any time. While she can't verbally respond, she will always be in his heart and tell him that her blood flows through him. My g-father has guided me through some pretty murky waters. At the risk of sounding like a looney, I'll spare you the details, lol, but the signs were so clear that it made the hair on my arms stand on end and those of my friends who also witnessed some of the messages. Allow him to feel as though she is with him. Even though she was awful, he longs for her to be here again and be perfect. Go scream in the other room if he glamorizes her - it's his mother and he's just a boy already battling hormones and all that other lovely stuff at this age. Be patient, do yoga, put a sign up when you need to not be bothered and take baby steps.

All the best,
Dana

Hi, there

One more thought:

In my occupation, I deal with many families with issues
of death and dying.

Very surprisingly, the families who seem to grieve the most, are the ones who have unresolved feelings and regrets.

I don't mean to say that families with great relationships don't grieve, but the ones that have the most trouble are the ones with unresolved issues.

These are the children who will NEVER please their parents, because now their parents are dead.

I have seen this in adult children of drug addicts and adult children of alcoholics.

Maybe I thought that these sons & daughters would say, "finally, our problems are over", but they are the ones that go on and on, because they never had closure.

I know it doesn't make it easier for you, but it's just a thought.

My SD remembers her grandfather as a wonderful doctor and great patriarch in her family. The truth is that
he was a sloppy physically abusive drunk, who helped to destroy DH's first marriage. Now he is a saint. SD wants to name her first son after him. Go figure.

That's just a human coping mechanism.

Dana, not every second wife is a kindhearted loving person who puts others first & is in need of commiseration, support, & hints.

Did you read the other post?
or the title of this post?

OP doesn't want to *do* anything;
she wants things to somehow change into what she wants:

OP isn't just overwhelmed today.
she hates her husband's son's dead mother & she takes it out on the son,
she resents the son,
she resents the demands on her time & the difference between this reality & the one she thought she was getting,
& she said in plain English that she won't go to counselling.

"I love my husband and my 2 bio kids. I even love my SS, but..."
(Loving her husband & her biological kids is one complete declarative sentence.
Stepson is added in a 2nd sentence, limited by the word "even" & with a "but" tacked on.)

"now I am dealing with her son 24 hrs/day, 7 days/week"

"raising someone elses son"

"no one ever said that I would get stuck with this when I married my husband."

OP doesn't want this boy.

OP said, "How do I get out of this?"

I do know how to get out of a situation you hate & that's making you miserable:
you change the locks & serve the other adult person with divorce or eviction papaers,
or you put your toothbrush in your pocket & leave.

By the way, ekcs, about your husband "picking on" you:

maybe he's tired of a grown woman, a woman he married thinking that he was getting a loving mother for his children (hmmm-maybe this situation isn't what he thought he'd "get stuck with" either?), whining about what she wanted & how this kid isn't it.

This kind of strife creates a fertile environment for a nice loving maternal woman to step into.

You get out of this by getting the help that your son needs and deserves. He needs help and it is up to you and his dad to find some one that can help him.

I am confused about "raising someone else's son". Isn't he your husband's son? Unless of course he does not help you, then it is a different story...

My prayers are with you and the boy. Sometimes the darkest night is before the dawn.

"I know that I am bitter, but no one ever said that I would get stuck with this when I married my husband."

Actually, you kind of agreed to this when you said "I do."

I understand your resentment toward his mother. She SHOULD have been a mother. But she was an addict. And people who are not addicts cannot understand those who are. The drug of choice was initiated long ago, without thought to what it could turn her into, because at that moment, that first hit was to escape reality for one moment. Some can walk away, most cannot. It sounds like you are going through grief. Grief for what you wanted your life to be. But life can change in a moment. What if you got in your car one day and got into a wreck and never were able to come home? You don't want some other woman raising your children with the same resentment you have, right?

I have a 12 year old. And it is challenging even with us being in a loving marriage with no steps involved. This is hormone time. Some boys get girl crazy, some get mouthy, some get moody. Add to the changing of his body, his mother died. My mother wasn't the most desirable mother. No addiction, but I believe mental illness. Through everything she said, everything she did, I still love her. I see who she was, but she's my mom. And my stepmother cannot ever be my mom.

I hope he doesn't know how you feel about him and his mother. And I hope your bio children don't know how you feel about him and his mother. Think about his life for a moment. He's living with his dad and his new family. And his stepmother doesn't like him. Soon it is going to rub off on his brother/sister and he's going to feel more alienated. His mother is dead. And she did it to herself. Not a nice life, especially when entering adolescence.

Be kind. You don't have to love him. You just have to be kind. It can't hurt. If you are against counseling, sign up for a boxing class. You need to get your anger out, and punching a bag might help you. Of course you need to vent. Of course you need to get it out. Even one hour a week to YOURSELF, with no obligations, to focus on YOU will help you be a better mother and stepmother.

Just remember he's 12. And 12 stinks! You can get through it, and if you can get through it with kindness and understanding, ALL 5 of you will be better off.

Valuable insights Southernsummer --

It's fascinating that I feel so much grief and anger over the death of my husband's father, a man I barely knew. And feel so calm, serene even, over my own father's death. I had a good, strong relationship with my father, leaving no unresolved issues and many happy memories. But with my father-in-law, there is such disappointment for his inability to see the amazing son his first wife raised without him, such resentment for the credit he claimed that he didn't deserve, such anger for never being a role model for my own husband to follow, leaving him always guessing about what it means to be a father...

This poor boy lost more than his mother. He lost his dream. He lost every chance he ever had to make things right, for HER to make things right and to love him enough to beat her addiction. He's hurt, angry, guilty -- and yes, adolescent. And he's not thrilled with his life either.

OP - YOU go ahead and vent to us. But be sure this boy has someone he can vent to also, because he needs it even more than you do.

I wasn't sure if this was the same story I am recalling from earlier. I was also thinking this woman has reached another breaking point at the end of a very long day/week. I thought, if it is the same poster, she was looking for coping mechanisms, so she really did want things to improve. Like, on any given day, I can feel like I want to 'kill' my DH, lol, as it looks worse in print then said aloud. If I posted that I wished he was not on the face of this earth, would you start giving me ideas of how to do get rid of him or say for me to take a deep breath, think about his better qualities and why I married him, then take a warm bath and go to sleep - we'd reexamine this tomorrow??? I really don't want any harm to come his way and I assume the OP didn't truly want a divorce or she'd go file for one. She states she loves the DH, so I guess that isn't an option, so I believe she needs things to improve and I tried to offer a few suggestions.

I worry about this boy feeling the loss of yet another adult woman in his life, somewhat another 'mother.' (Don't blast me for that term, but the role has fallen onto her.)

However, if OP really wants out, then she should get out. If she feels she's better off w/o the package deal, then go. If she can only look at this boy and feel bitterness and resentment, then I imagine her staying will do no good for anyone, and will harm this child even more.

So, I guess I need some clarification from the OP. EKCS - are you there? What is your mindset? Do you want someone else to take this boy so you can have your DH and kids w/o him? Are you afraid to admit that? What would make his presence tolerable to you? I still think he needs something in which to engross himself and things would be better for all sides.

Dana

"What would make his presence tolerable to you?"

"What makes his presence *in*tolerable to you?"

The only thing mentioned in the original post is that he mopes & he misses his mother.

Hello,

I want to say that I truly appreciate those of you who offer support and allow me to vent. No, I don't express these feelings to my husband, bio children or SS. I only vent here, which is part of the problem. I don't want to leave my husband or my son and I don't think he would be better off being abandoned by me, like he was by his mother. Somedays are just harder than others and I am trying my best to help a boy through a hard situation. And maybe it is selfish that I sometimes feel overwhelmed and tired, but I like to think I'm human and anyone would feel this way if the same happened to them. Part of the problem is that my SS's SD and Grandparents pretended to care and want to stay in my son's life after BM died. Well, more than a year later, they barely make an effort and we are lucky to hear from them once or twice a year. I have been raising this boy since he was 4 yrs old and we had a wonderful relationship until this happened. He would see his mom on weekends (I worked this out for him, she didn't see him for a while), but I took care of everything else. He just turned 13 and is hormonal and has problems dealing with this. I know too that he feels ashamed of her. I have decided to start taking him to ALONON meetings, which I hope will help. I will update the post and let you know. BTW, SylviaTexas, until you have walked a mile in my shoes, don't even start to make judgements about me. God forbid, you ever have to deal with the difficult reality of helping a grieving child.

Ecks, it will get better eventually. Everyone has different timetables for coping with death and losing a parent is hard for everyone, especially a child!! Can you imagine the dreams this little boy used to have? Maybe of his mom realizing that she needs him more and loves him more than all the drugs in the whole wide world... But now, those dreams will never have a chance to be realized. Does he get enough one-on-one time with both you and his father? Maybe, when he starts to get mopy, you should give him something to occupy him. Does he have any hobbies? Something that you can do with him? Anything to take his mind off his woes?

But you didn't say you were trying to help a grieving child;

you said

you wanted out of it,

you're angry at this boy's dead mother,

you resent having someone else's son,

you weren't told you might be in for this.

to answer your question. How do I get out of this?

Suck it up or pack your stuff and go ... not doing yourself or him any favors by staying.... not his fault his mother died.

Sylvia,

I really think things look much worse in black and white. Again, "I'm going to kill you!" can sound like a joke, a threat, a promise or whatever if you can hear the voice saying it. Here, when we type, our venting can be misinterpreted. I think most of us here do write as therapy - I know I do. It helps to get it all out and not have our real life family be burdened by every rational or irrational thought we have on our tough days. After all, the DH won't truly understand EKCS's feelings and his feelings will be hurt - possibly causing him to resent her down the road.

EKCS: I hope today is a better one for you. I feel your pain and the 'why me?' feeling we all have from time to time on this journey called life. Again, I think a sport/hobby or something is a must. Didn't he play baseball or was that someone else? The key is finding what his talent is and improving it. Going out for basketball if it isn't his forte would only worsen the situation. So, along w/ his dad, find his hidden talent. Tell your DH you're concerned about SS's depression and that it's time he have an interest in something to help occupy his mind.

Again, I hope all board members will offer support to one another as much as they can. You echoed my earlier words about not judging til we've walked in one another's shoes. I couldn't agree more. This is a SUPPORT board. It should be a safe place to vent so that we can spare those we love so dearly in real life from our unpleasant reactions to things.

All the best,
Dana

LOL!! Careful Dana, you might be the next one labeled the "forum moderator!!!"

I labeled you "forum moderator" when you had the nerve to tell me that I was not qualified to express my opinion, as if anyone on the board is necessarily "qualified". Dana continues to call for everyone to express their views in a kind manner. You stated I had no right to express my opinion at all. In my experience, Dana is not self-righteous enough to believe she has all of the answers and others shouldn't be allowed to speak, so there is no danger in Dana taking away your title.

Have you ever heard the saying, "People in glass houses...?" Wow, you are wound tight!

Dana, you feel that you/I/we must support any posters, no matter how destructive, unfair, hateful, or damaging their attitudes or behavior, just because they post on a forum?

even if it means "supporting" (enabling, rationalizing) behavior that hurts a child?

No.

& the original post was not venting:

Venting would be along the lines of "I'm at the end of my rope, what am I gonna do?" with a few examples of what some other person is doing to aggravate the poster-
snide remarks, hogging computer, manipulating a parent, stealing money, etc.

The only behavior we've heard about is that he misses his mother & he's sad.

"I didn't sign up for this, I don't want to raise someone else's son, I resent him, HOW DO I GET OUT OF THIS?" is not venting.

I'm with cawfecup.

& as far as, "until you have walked a mile in my shoes, don't even start to make judgements about me. God forbid, you ever have to deal with the difficult reality of helping a grieving child"-

The *first time* you mention "helping" this boy is in your follow-up of your dramatic martyr statement about "walk a mile in my shoes"-
even when you mention helping him, it's still all about you.

I went back and found EKCS's other posts. In both, I felt she was asking for help and a place to vent as she did NOT want to yell at the child or let her DH know these ill feelings she was harboring.

Also, I didn't take this post's title of "How Do I Get Out of This" to mean she wanted to get out of being a SM to the child. More like asking how to get out of this vicious cycle she is in - helping SS, watching SS depressed, resenting SS's BM for damaging the boy and for making such poor choices, etc. She doesn't want to leave and I believe above all else, she wants to no longer feel the way she feels towards this boy or his deceased mother. There's a further element in that OP did not care for BM and SS is aware of that, so he's extra touchy most likely. Heck, is the BM anyone we'd respect? She suffered from addictions, landed in jail and didn't tell BD or SM where the boy was? She caused one giant stressor for BD and SM til the very end, and continues to haunt them by her untimely death and leaving her son w/ a whole lot of questions and not any answers. It's a VERY trying situation.

Also, OP spent Mother's Day helping SS write a letter to his mother. She was, I think, taking the advice of another poster for this situation. I mean, the SM is DOING the right things but growing bitter about how her efforts go unnoticed and w/o any validation. I think she desperately wants the secret to snapping the boy out of his depression and this state of extreme moodiness - something most moms to teens and tweens also seek, but w/o the added heartache of one of them losing a parent in such a senseless way.

I still think we come here looking for answers and a shoulder to lean on. We often find a lot of criticism. I know I was nearly brought to tears a couple of times and now find myself reading my posts twice to brace myself for the backlash if something can be picked apart. It shouldn't be that way - it's way too difficult and I've never witnessed this on any other forum, not that I'm part of many. I still vote for SUPPORT!

Dana

Its all well and good ... she is doing stuff for/with him... but if she can't let go of her anger toward the boys mother and bitterness over her death he will never be able to heal either.

She needs to "deal with" her own anger before she can help the child if she can't help herself she can't help anyone else.

I don't have a clue how she could work it out she doesn't want counseling I have not "walked in her shoes" but I have been angry for stuff I had no control over and said to myself.... self why are you so _____? what are you doing that is making you _____ is being _____ helping the situation? ...What makes you happy find something that makes you happier than you are _____ and do it.

So my thoughts on this stay the same ... Suck it up or pack your stuff and go ... not doing yourself or him any favors by staying.... not his fault his mother died.

Hello,

again, I would like to say thank you for all those who are supportive and kind. I appreciate hearing that this grief will not be forever and that it helps tremendously to be able to have the women here allow me to just state how I feel so that I don't have to hurt my family.

Dana--I agree with you, this forum should be a support forum for everyone and I really appreciate your posts. Thank you. They mean more to me than you know. Also, I think a hobby would be good too. I spoke with him yesterday and we looked at his school website to find something to be involved in this year--we are still deciding, but he is excited about the idea. He does play baseball, but the season is over now, so that makes it difficult, but we will find some other activities. Thank you for the suggestion.

SylviaTexas--No, I didn't state that I was supporting my son everyday or helping him grieve, etc. etc. That is just something that I do everyday and I have done for several years, even when BM was alive. I guess I just assumed you understood that and that I didn't need to toot my own horn. I wasn't trying to have everyone tell me how great I am for doing this or anything, I was just trying to say that the reality of this is tiresome and hard. Why do you think that SD and BM's stepparents (the only parents she had left)don't bother to see him, but once/twice a year. The truth is, it is depressing and difficult for everyone, not just my son, but especially for my son. That is, it is sad for us to watch him be sad. I hope that you will find compassion for me, b/c if you really want good will for my son, you will say a prayer that God can help me to help him through this.

Cawfe--I have always liked your posts. You are very down to earth, but in this case, please try to understand. You say that I shouldn't be angry with BM, but if you saw someone hurt your child, wouldn't you be angry? I see her hurt him emotionally everyday and I hate her for what she has done to him. I know it is wrong and I know that it doesn't do me any good to feel this way, but I think any mother wants to protect her child and I'm frustrated b/c I can't. If you read my posts, you will also see that it is not that I don't want counseling, it is that we have visited 3 different counselors and none of them understood stepfamilies or grieving children. One even asked me "why do I care, I am just his SM?" In the long run, I am afraid that a counselor with this attitude could seriously damage our blended family. If I could find a couselor who was a good fit, I would go. You also say that I need to deal with my own anger before I can help him and that is why I am here posting. I am trying to deal with the anger I have and I don't like it, but I have it and I can't deny it. Also, I don't think it would be right for me to pack up and abandon my son like everyone else has already done. Believe me, there are days when I think it might be easier on me, but I know that he would suffer.

Anyway, I am feeling much better today. I am ready to greet everyone I meet with kindness, warmth and friendship, especially my children. Thank you for letting me vent yesterday. This forum really helps me and even if people are negative, it is so nice to get some different viewpoints. Thank you.

I didn't say you couldn't be angry ... I just said you have to let it go. He is still young ... do you have a picture of her? My SC miss their mother constantly, they would cry at night for her etc. I put a picture of her in their room. So now when they miss her they can go and look at the picture and "talk" to her. I also gave the oldest a journal for stuff to talk to his mother about. He would want to call her constantly and couldn't so we gave him a journal to write stuff down so that he sees her he can remember what he wanted to talk to her about. Maybe you could write her a letter and burn it. So he would never "find it". Or a journal for yourself ... to her ... ex. you would be proud of your/our son today!. Something anything to get over your anger.

When my SD was 16 she was having herself a pity party ... blaming her mother for her actions "its because she abandoned me"... My response to her was yeah it sucks your mother is not around ... but alot of other people in your life have stepped up and done right by you so you can't keep blaming your mother. She was the same age as you are now with a baby ...you and a husband. You can't go 2 days with out breaking up with your BF couldn't even take care of your dog. So put yourself in her shoes she did what she thought was best for you. By letting you live with your dad. Hasn't seen her mother since she was 4 and hasn't heard from her since she was 8.

The fact is Ekcs I dont think there is a right answer. My daughters father commited suicide two days before her second birthday. He dropped her off with his mom saying he would be right back and jumped off of a bridge.
My daughter is close to her grandmother (her fathers mother) and remembers her father through what others say. And to be perfectly honest there is a part of me that every day I have to bury deep down that is so angry and pissed off that he took the easy way out and yet all anyone ever says about him are good and wonderful things. It makes me mad when my daughter randomly talks about how she wants to go to heaven to see her father or how much she loves him... it makes me mad when I have had a day from h*ll and my daughter has been in rare form and I think I am at my wits end and I realize I cant call her father to 'be the dad'... I am pissed off that this man that people only seem to want to honor his memory couldnt man up to his responsibilities and I am stuck raising a little girl on my own. I am pissed off that he put anything that awful into her perfectly innocent world at such an early age. And dear god, it pisses me off thinking he looked at that little girls smiling face and still in all essence walked away.

That said, I love my daughter with all of my heart and never ever ever would I tell her or express any of this to her. I have never lied about him to her ... I have curbed the harsh truth in adjunct to her age... ie she is four she doesnt undrstand suicide but she does understand he chose to not be alive anymore but he loved her with all of his heart when he was here with her. I will never lie to her about him... when she is old enough she will know the full truth, see the newpaper article and the obituary.

I understand your exasperation... it doesnt deter your love for your ss... it just shows how much you do love him... after all, I have thought I didnt sign up to be a mom to a daughter whose father killed himself (I understand the irrational thought in this but it doesnt change the desperation or the feeling) Our feelings dont go away and the almost hatred that we feel for that person that would dare cause this kind of pain and hardship because of their own selfish behaviors doesnt change only our reactions to it. Very few people know how I truly feel about this subject because I know that it sounds horrible ... but just as you can say I love my ss and I didnt sign up for this in the same sentence... I can say that this kind of feeling is perfectly normal I have felt it in those moments of pure exasperation towards my own daughter and situation.

The only true and honest piece of advice I can give you or myself is to take it one day at a time one moment at a time... and always when you feel that desperate angry sad feeling coming along the path take a deep breath and take a few minutes if you need too... let him honor what he wants to honor... I let my daughter do so... but as I said I make it a point to never lie to her I wont carry her father's sins for him... I am never cruel or harsh but I wont lie or cover up for him either... I know it will be harder down the path and I am desperately afraid she will blame herself in some way... and I know it will be all the more tough ... but in reality the only way to change my situation would be to not have my daugher and that wouldnt even be close to an option in a million years. And, somehow, I think you feel the same.

On the counselling issue, ecks, you won't find the counsellor who is your best fit by not looking... after all, if your first three dates didn't work out would you quit looking for "the one"? :-) Keep trying- you have acknowleged that counselling would be helpful, if you could find the right counsellor.

Thank you again to all those you offered helpful advice and support. I really do appreciate you reading my story and allowing me to vent.

Mom of 4--Thank you for sharing your story. You are an amazing and brave person to share your experience and feelings. I am so glad you did. it really helped me to know that I am not alone in the feelings I have toward this woman. And yes, you guessed correctly that not in a million years would I wish for my son not to exist. I love him and I love all that he brings to my life, but somedays are just hard, as I am sure you understand. If you ever need support, I hope you will post here and I will watch for your posts. You and your family will be in my prayers. God bless you.