If I remember correctly, you arent married to the boyfriend yet, and you started with him before his divorce was in process, even though they were separated.

I am not at all trying to be mean , but I wonder if you have faced the possibility that you may be the rebound woman? A lot of guys jump into relationships that they arent emotionally ready for after separation, because they dont want to be alone.

The fact that, even though the relationship between you and bm isnt all that bad, your boyfriend backs her, and blames you for the problems, doesnt sit well, and doesnt really make me think that his long term committment to you is very strong. At this stage, before you are even married, he should be totally backing you.

This could be his way of distancing himself from you in preparation for finding a way to get out. I hope I am wrong.

Thanks for the note. I hope you're wrong too. I guess it just doesn't make sense to me because he's the one moreso who wants to get married who wants to start a family, who wants "forever".

So if he's not ready for it why would he say and keep saying those things.

Lets play the other side. If his opinon was true and I had a lot to do with my discomfort. How should he have approached me?

Here's the long story (bottom link) for the rest of us who forgot who was who and what the particulars are...

But to summarize: ExW is either playing manipulative back-stabbing girl games (to which STBH is totally blind) or she's genuinely sweet but fragile and has Keepit walking on eggshells. And, situation is complicated by the fact that the marriage wasn't legally over when Keepit and STBH started dating, at which point ExW decided she wanted Hubby back and propositioned him to make it happen.

Sorry Keepit, but I'm ot sure this situation is winnable... If STBH can't see ExW's manipulations and sides with her, I just don't see how this can go your way. Let's break it down:

- Say she's 'gaming' him and he's blind to it but is taking her side anyway. That gives all the power to her, none to you. You will always lose because she's the one painting you as 'the bad guy' regardless of your behavior, and STBH is buying it.

- Or say, perhaps, that you are the problem -- Or more accurately, there's a difference in your communication styles that causes friction. He's still taking her side and blaming you.

So whether you're right or whether you're wrong, STBH takes her side over yours, and that's a big problem.

So far, you've only mentioned how Ex's mind games are impacting STBH. Just wait until she decides to poison you to the kid. Then Kiddo starts to sass and disrespect you and turns into a little monster (in front of you, not Daddy) -- you try to descipline him or get Dad to do it -- then Dad takes Kiddo's side.

You can get out now -- You're not married and you don't have kids together.

Here is a link that might be useful: The Old Thread

He is still too emotionally involved with the x wife, to be taking on a new wife. I would postpone the wedding. Some pre-marital counseling would probably be a real good call, if you want to try and make this relationship work. A third party is often much more effective at getting a person to see how their actions/words affect another, and how they interperted by others, and it may open his eyes up to the reality of your situation. If not, find a man whose loyalties will lie with you, and send this guy back to his x!

Sweeby,

Thing is I get her right. but that doesn't mean that I'm comfortable with being around her a lot etc. I can acknowledge that she's grown up a whole lot more than before. all of that. Like you said the main and real issue is the fact that he points the finger at me. Why give Ex the benefit of the doubt. but never me.

So yea. i dont know.

What Kathline said!!

Plus, could it be that you are doing something to create a problem and he's calling you on it?

My husband's ex is in a relationship with a guy that she met only a few months after he divorced his wife of 18 years. It's my opinion that it's a rebound relationship for him and his girlfriend (my SD's mom) is pretty insecure about their relationship. She won't let him talk to her alone and he can't even call his ex unless she's right there. She's bad mouthing his ex (the mother of his children) and he has had to apologize to his ex for his current GF's behavior many times. Again, it's my opinion (which doesn't mean much I'm sure) that their relationship will eventually break down as he realizes that she is the one that is creating problems between him and his ex and his kids are being hurt by it. At least, that's what I think a good parent would do.. I could be wrong.

If he's blaming you and backing her, then maybe you need to re-evaluate your actions. You may not think you are doing anything wrong, but put yourself in her shoes. Did she want the divorce? Do you, in any way, feel threatened by their divorce being so recent that maybe you fear she might want him back or he might want to go back? Do you feel he is more loyal to her than you and that he might still have feelings for her? I don't think you should answer these questions here, but those are things you should ask yourself.

*Whatever* OP did/didn't do/should've done/should've done differently, the relationship between this guy & his ex is not her responsibility, no matter how hard he squints his eyes, purses his lips, turns his head sideways, & blames her for it.

"find a man whose loyalties will lie with you, and send this guy back to his x!"

Now there ya go.

Throw him back,
thank your lucky stars & your guardian fairy angel godmother that you didn't marry him,
& do something fun.

Life doesn't have to be suffered through;
it *can* be enjoyed.

Sylvia said almost exactly what I was going to say-Get out now while you can. Life's to short & why even deal with this if you don't have too?

I can not imagine my dh telling me that I am the problem with him and his ex! That is a pretty low blow.

If you choose to proceed in this relationship then you better proceed with caution! And as for the wedding, I would not marry someone who is still emotionally attached to his ex. Sorry to say that, but do not make the biggest mistake of your life and marry into this. If you can work things out and get married down the road thats great, but marriage will not fix this!

Marriage is definitely on hold!

If you know that you aren't to blame for the friction and that she is manipulating things, and he is buying into what she says and he doesn't back you, I don't see how a marriage with this man could be happy or healthy for you.

At this stage in the game, your future husband should be courting and wooing you to be his next Mrs. And remember, he doesn't "have you" yet. I'd remind him of that fact and insist on couples counseling to find out why he is doing this before taking a stroll down the aisle with him.

If he won't go, that would be a deal-breaker for me.

Keepit,

In your title you asked "Am I just going crazy..." and it is kind of interesting that you use the word "crazy" to describe what is happening and how you feel. You also said things were "jumbled up".

I don't want to insert more drama into your situation, but have you considered that perhaps your fiance, for whatever reason there might be, could be "gaslighting" you.

Here's a definition of gaslighting:
Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse. It involves an increasing frequency of systematically withholding factual information from, and/or providing false information to the subject, having the gradual effect of making the victim anxious, confused, and less able to trust his or her own memory and perception. A variation of gaslighting, used as a form of harassment, is to subtly alter aspects of a victim's environment, thereby upsetting his or her peace of mind, sense of security, etc.

I hope I am wrong. People who gaslight do so because they either are narcissistic, have an agenda they do not want you to figure out, or they want to gain total control over the other person, or all of the above.

It has happened to me before.

I just wanted to add my two cents regarding your statement that "I guess it just doesn't make sense to me because he's the one moreso who wants to get married who wants to start a family, who wants "forever."

I'm sure you interpret this to mean he is head over heels . . . and he very well may be. But, he could also just trying to get back to the comfort of a stable relationship. Remember, he's used to having a wife. Without one his lifestyle changes. Unfortunately, many men put more effort into dating than they do marriage. Could he just want to be done putting forth effort?

I hope I'm full of hot air here, but it's something to consider.

Re:

'I guess it just doesn't make sense to me because he's the one moreso who wants to get married who wants to start a family, who wants "forever."'

Creating an instant "we", rushing the other person, pushing for a quick & intense involvement, declaring commitment & demanding it from the other person are techniques used by abusive men, by con artists, & by violent assailants such as rapists.

It's done with one goal in mind:
to gain absolute control over the target.

& you're the bullseye.

The same thoughts as Martha and Sylvia, crossed my mind too.

He may have an ideal of what his life should be and it may not really matter who is in what role. He should value YOU as his partner, not just see you as the wifey/mother that is there to meet his need to have a wifey or mother to his children, etc. Guys that think that way find it easier to cheat and/or abuse you because they may not see you as the person you are, but as 'the wife', which is how violent offenders think about their victims...but they don't think of them as a real person.

Dear Keep it,

Yes I am here from the mom point of view, and yes I dont approve of people getting involved with someone who is legally married. But whether that contributed to your problems now is water over the bridge.

I dont generally analyze people, so I wont comment on you FDHs comments, but I think the words of Tina Turner say it best, "I dont care whose right or wrong I dont want to fight anymore."

In short, I dont think you are crazy, I do see this as a painful relationship and if you were my daughter I would tell her its just not working.

Admittedly, I'm kind of naive and prone to believing the best of people -- so I don't necessarily see BF's behavior as flags for future abuse.

BUT - Ima's slightly different take about him wanting to "rebuild his life in the proper image" or, as I have been known to say about my Ex "buy DS a new mommy" rings very convincingly true to me with these circumstances. If his perception is focused on his needs and those of his son - not you --- If that's his perspective NOW, it will only get worse. Then he wouldn't be seeing YOU the person, he'd be critical of you the 'defective Wifey' who's not doing whatever it is exactly the way 'Wifey' is supposed to do things in his ideal picture.

Definitely, put and wedding plans On Hold until this situation resolves.