I don't want this, but he can't let go,

lizza_2006

17 years ago

I've been dating a man for 1.5 years now. He's got two children 12 and 6. I've been struggling this whole time with the issues that this type of a relationship brings (I have never been married or have any children). I have finally come to the conclusion that this relationship is not going to work for me. I told him that I did not want to be in this relationship anymore, that I did not want to live with other people's children, that I had no desire to be a stepmom, and that I would never get used to all of the issues that such a relationship brings.

I feel if I cont. this relationship I need to accept his children and everything that comes along with it, but I don't, which is why I want out.

He says that we have a lot of love and he's willing to fight for that, and that I've had to deal with all of this stuff on my own and he hasn't been supportive, wants us to give it another shot with him in the picture helping me go through my "issues"

I am trying to wave all sorts of red flags, and this man is not understanding what I'm telling him, which amazes me considering he's been married twice already.

Can anybody give me any suggestions on how to handle this?

He and his family have been through enough, I don't want to be the source of more pain to them, but I have to look out for myself and my future as well, and this situation doesn't make me happy.

How else do I say it to make him understand?

Thanks for any feedback.

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Comments (5)

weed30 St. Louis
17 years ago
First, let me CONGRATULATE you for realizing this is not working and will never work for you. That is something that many, myself included, never realize before it's too late.

Tell him one final time, via letter, then:

Stop answering his calls and/or emails. Period. Never, ever answer or engage him in any way again.

This will just make him think there's a chance he can get back into your life.

Do not speak to him and give him the opening to wear you down and make you feel guilty about not trying again. That is why I suggest the letter.

A few other observations, and these are red flags that you have probably already seen, but just in case:

1. "He's been married twice already." HUGE red flag! No matter what he's told you about his ex wives, there is a reason he has two exes. Don't sign up to be ex #3. (I was wife #2, and he's got #3 lined up. I wish I could warn this poor woman, but she'd never listen. He is controlling, and verbally and emotionally abusive. He did not start this until after I married him.)

2. "I am trying to wave all sorts of red flags, and this man is not understanding what I'm telling him." Another huge red flag. He DOES understand, but he is refusing to respect your thoughts, feelings, and boundaries. That type of treatment manifests itself in so many awful ways if you continue a relationship with this kind of person.

3. "Helping me go through my "issues" Um, you don't have any issues! You simply and wisely realize that this is not for you. He thinks he can show/teach/change you, against your already stated desires. Red flag for a controlling personality.

4. "I don't want to be the source of more pain to them, but I have to look out for myself and my future as well, and this situation doesn't make me happy."

Follow your gut! You are absolutely right, you have to look out for YOURSELF and your future. You are not happy! Embrace your feelings because they are saving you YEARS of future anguish. It's hard to be a source of pain to someone, but what's the alternative? Marry this guy and ruin your life? I won't even go into the stepmother issue, there's plenty of that to read on other threads here.
lazy_gardens
17 years ago
You are making a WISE DECISION!

Follow the advice above: Break it off, and shut the door on him.
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brass_tacks
17 years ago
Lizza,

You don't seem to need any convincing that you have made the right decision for yourself.

Maybe you don't want to hurt this man or his family and you are trying to make him understand? That's ok, but if you continue to try and convince him, you will be tempted to stay. Maybe you enjoy that kind of drama. If not, then just go away.
organic_maria
17 years ago
Lizza,

Follow your gut! You are very sure what you want to do. You are just feeling somewhat guilty. The guilt will pass. I had second doubts about my relationship and i didn't listen. I wanted to cancel my wedding and low and behold i got pregnant. Which is is interesting cause i always made him use protection and i was equally careful.
There is alot of issues but they are not yours and you've already decided. In my case i'm lucky cause my hubbies kids are very good and he keeps his claws in them if they get out of line. He's accepted the fact they come only every 2nd weekend and they dont run our lives. He lives with his guilt every so often and i have to remind him and be strong for him that he left EVERYTHING for his kids. Brand new car house pool..etc..etc..
That is the role of a stepmom. To be his brick wall at times and if you dont want that job....dont take it! Its alot of work. And if you are not up to it. You are taking the right path.
TELL HIM ONE MORE TIME ITS NO AND PLEASE DO NOT CALL AGAIN. Refuse anymore calls and do not make contact. Good luck
callmerae
17 years ago
you made the decision that your heart told you...he shouldn't want to be with someone who is not up to the challenge either and should realize with 2 marriages behind him...you cannot change someone..pack up, leave a note and don't return calls...he will move on.

I don't want this, but he can't let go,

Comments (5)

weed30 St. Louis

lazy_gardens

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