Using the 'wait til your dad gets home' won't work. It never has.

If you have rules for the house and consequences for breaking the rules, you should treat it like you would if you were a daycare provider. Clearly outline what the consequences are for each offense and when he breaks a rule, he will always have the same consequence. Don't change consequences on him. If you are not consistent, he won't take it seriously. When his dad gets home, YOU give dad the 'report'. Then, it's up to dad if he wants to call mom and give mom the report. (I'd at least let the kid know that it's okay if you tell your mom, or would you like me to call and tell her what you did?) That would depend on your relationship with mom and I completely understand that you are dealing with a mom that probably has loose or no rules and gives it her attention when her son 'tells' on you. But, if the child knows you don't care if mom finds out and I've even told my SD that in our house, we have our rules and if they are different than her mom's then that's just how it is. She has different rules for school, karate, and anything else she does... so she can learn to abide by more than one set of rules. When she starts telling us that her mom lets her do something we won't, we tell her "that's nice, but in our house we don't do it that way."

He is going to try to make dad feel guilty for 'choosing' you over him but the truth is (and his dad should tell him) that you and dad are the grown ups and make the rules. The parents need to stand united and kids will try to manipulate their parent to take their side. Some parents that feel guilty will take the child's side, which is the wrong approach in my opinion. If the parent has a problem with what the stepparent does, they should talk to the stepparent in private and figure it out in a mature, adult manner. They should NOT side with the kid and let the child believe he/she has 'won'. The behavioral problems will only get worse if they do that.

Imas right. "Wait till your dad gets home" doesnÂt work especially if the child is really young. The kid has already moved on from the behavior and the chance for correction has moved on also. I donÂt think dadÂs like having to be the "bad guy" all the time either at least I now J wouldnÂt want to be.

My situation is a little different because like your sonÂs father my girlÂs mother has been in and out of the picture. The girls live with us and dad works two jobs to support them since mom canÂt hold a job due to her addictions and mental illness. I HAVE to discipline the girls because if I didnÂt they wouldnÂt have an adult around to teach them right from wrong.

A lot of the parental type decisions fall on me by default also. What they eat, what they watch on TV, whether or not they can play with makeupÂetc. etc. I just take into consideration the best that I can what their father would say in each individual situation. When Jonathan and I do disagree on a discipline issue we work it out so we can meet half way.

Jonathan and I are kind of an oddity when it comes to disciplining the kids because we truly are on the same page with our parenting techniques so there is very little controversy. As far as mom is concerned she isnÂt involved enough to have room to gripe about how we raise the girls. ItÂs a lot harder when you have a controlling Bio parent who doesnÂt want you having anything to do with their child. Fact is, as long as a child is living in that persona house there will come a point where the disciplining is going to fall on the step parent, whether other bio parent likes it or not.

I will be straight up damned if a kid is going to rule my house just because the kids mom doesnÂt want me to tell him/her no. ThatÂs tuff. My house. My rules. If the rules are fair, the same for all kids involved and within reason why should it even be an issue?

Love,

Your not even married to Dad. You can guarantee, any discipline of my child by Dads SO would result in her NEVER spending any time at his house. You better believe.

And, as you have said, your child has no relationship with her dad, you better believe I would make that clear to the GAL that you have NO experience with sharing.

KKNY,

We are getting married in less than 2 months.

We have lived together for two years and own our home together. I care for STBSS when he is here.

Would you be angry if a teacher disciplined your child?

I think if you told the GAL that you didn't want your kids spending time with dad b/c his SO disciplined them, you would get laughed at.

And what does my situation have to do with sharing STBSS? I don't understand. I do have experience sharing because I witness and participate in my fiance sharing his son constantly. I am extraordianrly careful not to step on BM's toes in regards to mothering STBSS, no matter how irrational I might think she is. I do recognize SHE is his mother and therefore, I would never step into any "mom" roles with him, such as volunteering at school, coaching sports teams, etc.

I am amazed at the attitudes people on this board seem to have towards stepmothers, or soon to be stepmothers. Frightening.

Psst...your bitterness is showing.

Well, I think the atitudes that some SMs have is frightening. As to teachers, if I have an issue with them, I can go to principal, etc. I have no choice as to SM.

I thought you said you have no contact with your DDs father. Which means no evidence of any coparenting.

And even if GAL laughed at me, trust me, I would not do any more driving than required, would not help DD remember times with Dad etc.

Every time I read a post like this, I cut down helping my DD have contact with her Dad. Some SMs and FSMs are so arogant they dont even understand when they are overstepping.

Some Bio Moms can't realize when they arae UNDER stepping either so I guess it kindof equals out in the end now doesn't it?

KKNY, do you honestly believe your child should have rank over adults if you/they don't like the adult? What is that teaching your kid. That if they don't pick the teacher,boss,president,sheriff or who the hell ever, that they don't have to abide by any kindof rules set forth by that person? That is a very unrealistic take on life in general.

I think you get way too personally offended by step parents "disciplining" step kids Hon. It normally simply means we can tell them to get their feet of the furniture not that we are forcing them to plow fileds after school. Sheesh.
And shame on you for allowing a stupid blog to hold sway over your daughter and fathers relationship. That is so juvenile KKNY...honestly.

Then tell Dad if you dont like what stepchild is doing.

My DD has respect for teachers and bosses. They earned it. Dads SO slept with a married man, doesnt work,, to get what she wanted. But heah in Stepfamily land, the SM is always right.

I hear some of these statements and they could come out of the mouth of dads SO. This woman had an affair with Dad, and then had the nerve to tell my DD that I cheated on DAd, which is untrue.

What in the hell does your Ex's SO telling your DD you cheated have anything to do with the disciplining of children?

That's a entire different subject. You have to relaize that the OP is not your Ex's SO KKNY. She has nothing to do with anything that woman does.

And OF COURSE the bio parents don't get to pick the Ex's spouse. Why should they? If that were the case there would be NO STEP PARENTS...HAHAHAHAHA.

Some of the arguments that break out here just amuse me because in my head there is nothing to argue. If the child is MINOR living in an adult's home common sense tells you as long as said adult isn't mental (and the courts would decide this, not the ex) the minor child is going to HAVE to follow some of that adults guidlines. What is there to argue?

Has your Ex's wife ever told your son to do something absurd or totally out of line? That would be the only excuse to challenge an adults authority over a child residing in the adult's home. Other tahn that it's just a case of "I don't like you so nanny nanny boo boo" IMHO.

Answer the question KKNY, has she ever demanded your child do something dangerous or outlandish? I'm talking forced religious beliefs or something of that nature.

"What in the hell does your Ex's SO telling your DD you cheated have anything to do with the disciplining of children? "

Doesnt that mean she is trying to alienate my daughters affection for me?

But I guess that is OK here in SM land. Only moms are ever accused of trying to alieante a child's affection.

I'm not saying it is righ KKNY...I'm saying what does it have to do with the OP and her discipline question?

What DOES it have to do with the OP and her original question? If you could significantly link it to Love's situation I'd understand but since it is so off subject it only comes across as venting personal spite on a future StepMom that you know nothing about and who seems to only be trying to do what's best for EVERYONE (including the biomom) in her situation. She stated a few times the last thing she wants to do is step on the mother's toes.

You have misplaced bitterness towards Step parents who have nothing to do with your personal situation or your ex's wife KKNY.

She may say she doesnt want to step on toes, but that doesnt mean it isnt happening (deliberately or not). OP puts down the mom by saying she wasnt married to Dad, but yet she isnt married either, and has not relationship with her childs father. I dont see OP caring about anyone besides herself, then her DD, then her FDH and finally the child, in that order. And I do see it relevant that she cant coparent with the father of her child.

You see me as bitter. I see me as realistic. As I have always said, this board keeps me on my toes to SM beliefs.

Glad we can help you in your mission of uncovering the secret motives of step parents KKNY:) We will just continue to try and do what's best for the kids.

"Your not even married to Dad. You can guarantee, any discipline of my child by Dads SO would result in her NEVER spending any time at his house. You better believe."

My step daughter's ex made the SAME argument. If there is an order for visitation, the bio mom has NO say in stopping visitation because she has a problem with what goes on in the other parent's house. If she has a problem with it, she can take it to court and ask to change the order, but as it was pointed out, unless there was something outrageous or abusive in the 'discipline', the court likely would NOT make any changes. In fact, the court commented on how wonderful it is that I'm so involved in the day to day caring of my step daughter... and this was BEFORE her mom gave us full custody. (Her mom thought the court would take offense when she told them that I was trying to do mom things for HER daughter. The court thought it was great! BM was fuming!)

"I have no choice as to SM."

You may not be able to choose who the SM is, but you do have a choice to talk to the SM or dad if you hear she is not treating your child properly, just like you would talk to the teacher. If you didn't like the answer or reasoning, then you would go up the chain of command. At school, that is the Principal. With your child, that is the father and then the Court. There is recourse, but unlike a school that is concerned with making angry parents happy, the court may not give your complaint the same response. However, if your complaint against what a stepmother does is truly 'wrong', the court may make orders to protect the child, which could include stopping/reducing visitation or making no contact orders. They won't make those orders, just because the mom doesn't like the step mom/SO and/or her lifestyle.

"And even if GAL laughed at me, trust me, I would not do any more driving than required, would not help DD remember times with Dad etc.

Every time I read a post like this, I cut down helping my DD have contact with her Dad. Some SMs and FSMs are so arogant they dont even understand when they are overstepping. "

So you punish your child??? NICE. This statement is an admission that you stoop to using your child as a weapon to hurt your ex. Why? Because stepmom's don't agree with you or say things to upset you... you cut back your child's contact with her father. Whether his SO is whatever she is, your daughter is hurt when she doesn't get to see her dad and if you will say that every time you read a post like this you cut back on your helping her have contact with her dad (which I'm assuming you have to help her see him because he is not as interested in seeing her, which I'm sure pains her already). That's using her as a weapon and punishing her more than her father because she probably relies on your help and support. (and you are worried about ex's SO alienating her from you? Sounds like you do a bit of that yourself)

"And I do see it relevant that she cant coparent with the father of her child."

You don't know this for sure. It takes two people to co-parent. If one parent chooses to be uninvolved, then it is not 'proof' that they "can't" co-parent. She may not have experience with co-parenting, but you can't say she is unable to just because her ex chooses to stay out of the picture. What evidence is there that OP's ex wants to be involved and OP won't let him? There's a difference.

discipline in our house is shared by both my DH and myself. Whatever needs to be dealt with dealing with either my daughter or his kids is dealt with by whomever is there at the time. For example ss got caught doing something ... I grounded him.. Dh backs it up.. DD got caught lieing she was punished I backed it up. For any majoy punishments for example SS had major issue with lieing not doing school work etc etc... he was warned more than once so DH and I together discussed what should be done we decided he shouldnt be allowed to go on his end of the year field trip.. DH talked to BM and she agreed. We try as much as possible to work together and alls back the others play .... if we have issues we discuss it in private... and always (if just to keep the peace.. DH (never me) keeps BM in the loop of discpinary actions.(for bigger stuff like grounding)

Everyone is held to the same rules and guidelines and is how it should be imo... I wouldnt let a strangers child in my home and not enforce my household rules why would I allow it in my own kids case (step and bio included)

Im sorry, but I just dont believe that a GAL would advocate spanking and recommend that you do so. I think someone is hearing things, and/or this is not a GAL.

If a GAL truly did recommend spanking the child, I would ask to have him removed from the case.

I would have to agree with Kathline about the GAL... but they are mostly made up of volunteers and I am sure their could a few in there that have their own point of view on how to handle things... but you could take that along with your other concerns on some of the other decisions or recommendations rather of GAL and possibily get him removed as Kathline stated...

"My DD has respect for teachers and bosses. They earned it."

Children to be taught to respect adults FIRST; not after they've earned it. That's the main problem with kids anymore is they are taught that they entitled to respect before they show adults respect. That's not right. Children should respect adults no matter what. It's up to the parents to deal with issues.

"Dads SO slept with a married man, doesnt work, to get what she wanted"

What does this have to do with your DD? Nothing. It was your X's decisions to make to cheat and leave; not your daughter's.

Love - Don't let KKNY inflame you. She thinks that all SM's got with their husbands by breaking up happy homes. She's thinks all of us are her ex's SO. She takes her hurt out on all of us, and apparantly her DD as well since she punishes her DD whenever she reads something she doesn't like on here. You don't have to explain anything to her and you don't need experience in coparenting to deserve respect from a minor child.

If you look back at Pseudo's posts, you will see someone who started out with the same frustrations as you and they escalated to beyond repair. She has had to completely back out of her SD's life because of it.

I definitely don't think spanking is an appropriate punishment for any Step to give. FDH's X's husband used to spank his DD and we'd hear about it. When he comfronted X about it, she told FDH that it was his home too and if DD was going to be disrespectful then he could punish her however he saw fit. That would never be acceptable to me. I think grounding is acceptable. Ground him to his room until his father comes home. You can take away privilages such as TV or game time. I have always demanded that my DS respect FDH and his dad's GF. Always. Even when she was writing horrible stuff about me.

I can't coparent? Really....thanks for shedding light on that for me, KKNY. I'm sorry...I was under the impression that since my DD's "father" has reasonable visitation (if he gives me 30 days notice) and open access to her via telephone--both of which he has NEVER USED or attempted to use in SIX YEARS--it was him that didn't want to coparent.

He was ordered to pay child support starting in 2003 and he has NEVER paid it. I called him many times in the 8 months of my daughter's life, begging him to reconsider and be a part, and he actually had the POLICE DEPARTMENT in his local city contact me and ask me to stop "harrassing" him.

I never made another call again and that was the LAST we've had ANY contact. I upheld my end of the bargain on everything. I have moved twice and both times I, as court-ordered, sent him a certified letter stating the change of address. He has my phone number and email address, as well.

Last I heard, he was in JAIL for non-support--he has two other children whom he also does NOT support. But I suppose that is that mother's fault, too, right?

Gosh darn...I really do need to learn how to co-parent, don't I? How silly of me to think that he has any responsibility in being a part of her life.

The way I see it, if he chooses to not be around, then so be it. He has made his choice clear and IMO, it is HIS loss, certainly not hers.

And, really, I shouldn't be even wasting my time arguing with some bitter person on here who clearly has no idea about stepmothers. It is attitudes like yours, KKNY, that cause these children to be so emotionally tormented. If you and other BMs like you could put your child's interests ahead of your own, you might be surprised at the positive result.

I wanted to add--

The GAL wasn't saying that I should spank STBSS. He was saying it to my fiance in regards to the behavioral issues STBSS has had at school, in the home, etc.

Don't forget, we live in a pretty conservative area, and this GAL is also an ex-military lawyer and judge, too. I think he is fairly old school.

Not saying it's right or not right...but I must admit, I was surprised, in this day and age, that he would recommend it.

Ima, I dont punish my DD for anything her dad or his SO do. I just dont do Dad any favors. There is a difference. And Love, not doing Dad faavors by not doing excess driving and making certain I get every penny I am entitled to is not tormenting her (the latter she doesnt even know). The only person who is emotionally off kilter is the SO who has called me up screaming. And Love my comment is that you dont have a track record of sharing any parenting. Not saying whose fault. Just not happening.

kkny~
You ARE punishing your daughter if you are in any way limit her contact with her dad (assuming he is an involved dad). Especially if it's in response to something she says/does involving dad, or worse yet if it's in response to something you read here on this board.

Trust me, you may find out the hard way that girls need their daddies. I have a wonderful 15yr old example of just that sitting on the couch, waiting to watch a movie with me!

Nick, I do not in any way limit. He can come get as per seperation agreement any time he wants. And I see no need to get lectured by the SM community who feel that Dad doesnt have to pay for college.

"Ima, I dont punish my DD for anything her dad or his SO do. I just dont do Dad any favors. There is a difference."

Isn't it doing your daughter a favor by helping her get to see her dad????? There are two sides to every coin and while you may think that by refusing to drive or remind your daughter of her visits with her father (or even reminding HIM) that you are not doing him any favors, you are at the same time, putting your daughter in a position to suffer because of YOUR anger at him. Driving your daughter to see her dad and calling dad to remind him that his daughter wants to see him and that it's his time to have her, etc. etc. can be seen as doing him a favor, but it's really doing your daughter a favor. Dad may forget his visits or rather spend the evening with his SO than driving to get his daughter, but the daughter is the one suffering if he does that, so driving your daughter to him is actually benefiting your daughter, not him. So, I'd consider that doing your daughter a favor.

"And I see no need to get lectured by the SM community"

You choose to be involved in a SM community.

If you don't like the "SM community" then leave and go find a "Bitter BM" community. We really don't need someone lecturing us when what we really need is help to be the best SM we can be. Seems like your anger isn't helping to better SMs. Seems like you don't want there to be loving and caring SMs in this word. You could be giving us advice from the perspective of the BM, but no. All you want to do is bash those women that want to be the best SMs our SC could ever have.

ivillage has a board JUST for BioMom's...maybe you should go check it out. I think you'd be much happier there, just having your bitter little chit-chats with other bitter biomoms about how all stepmoms are homewreckers, don't have any right to have feelings/opinions about there stepkids, etc...

Really...www.ivillage.com, click on the message board link at the top, then type in biomoms. Please, please go there. We'd all be much better for it.

Amazing how threads get derailed here so often....and it seems to be tied to only 1 or 2 posters...hmmmm...coincidence? I think not!

As far as OPs original question:
I've always felt that not only was it my right, but my obligation to discipline my stepkids. They deserve to learn appropriate behaviors, just as much as my biokids. They deserve to have the boundaries and limits that all kids need.

And although I think I have been "easier" on SS18, I've recently realized that I think it's just because he's more sensitive. DS20 can handle blunt, direct correction. I can tell him he's being an a$$, or acting like an jerk, and he is quick to realize his behavior is inappropriate or unacceptable. If I said blunt or harsher things to SS18, he'd crumble to pieces. It's really just a difference in their personalities. With SD15, I can "call her" on behavior, more like I do with DS20, and she is fine. Not sure how DD5 will be...yet.

Or is it that some SM's here don't really want advice or to hear different points of view - they just want everyone to say whatever they are doing is fine and dandy?

"Or is it that some SM's here don't really want advice or to hear different points of view - they just want everyone to say whatever they are doing is fine and dandy?"

Stepmom's have had to listened to 'advice' or 'opinions' from you and kkny for quite some time. It's been made perfectly clear that if we don't like what we are being told, we can leave. I've been told that you and kkny have a 'right' to be here and to express opinions, whether anyone likes it or not. So, I guess everyone else has that same right.

KKNY is the one that says she has no need to get lectured by a SM community. She's right, she doesn't need to but she chooses to be here as do you. Everyone here is here because they choose to and many people have left because they didn't like what was being said or because they don't want to be here anymore. I've taken a LOT of criticism and opinions on some very sensitive subjects about my past and was told if I don't like it, I don't belong on a public forum. If KKNY doesn't want to hear different points of view, she doesn't have to stay here and listen to it. Maybe she doesn't get off on it like you do.

END OF ATTEMPTED TANGENT!!!

Did you not read the end of the sentence

"And I see no need to get lectured by the SM community who feel that Dad doesnt have to pay for college."

What part of Dad not paying for college do you not understand?

So, you don't mind getting lectured by SM's that believe what YOU believe.... So, those SM's that DO believe dad should pay for college can tell you that you are punishing your daughter when you cut off your helping her see her dad????

Is THAT what you are trying to say?

Oh maybe I understand, if 99% of SMs beleive Dad shouldnt help pay for college then that is the SM community.

And once, again, I have never not cut off daughter seeing dad or doing my fair share of driving.

sure, I can rephrase MY post:

You choose to be involved in a SM community who feel that Dad doesnt have to pay for college.

Does THAT make you feel better?

"And once, again, I have never not cut off daughter seeing dad or doing my fair share of driving."

These are YOUR words, not mine.
"Every time I read a post like this, I cut down helping my DD have contact with her Dad."

to address the original post.....my belief is that if they are in my house, I get a say in what goes on (including rules, and punishment if they don't follow the rules). Since my SS lives with me full time, he learned that quickly. He also realized that our rules differed greatly from his mom's house (no rules!). I actually think he likes that he knows there are rules......and back in the beginning, I recall being on vacation with him and my two nephews -- who are his age. Well they did something that I got upset about (climbed from a widow's peak to the roof!) and I yelled at them and said "you are not to even go up to that deck unless an adult is with you; when your mother arrives, she can change that, but as long as I am responsible for you, that is the way it is" Well.....my SS looked at me....and I swear it was like "cool, she treats me the same way she treats them" (and he knows I adore my nephews).

So, same rule applies to be SS -- as long as I'm responsible for you, you will follow my rules (and no KKNY, I'm not an witch, I'm very loving and helpful when I'm not guiding through discipline!). My proof that it works is the wonderful relationship that I have with my SS!

Ima,

OK, this is educational -- you are saying that the SM community (OK, at least here) doesnt beleive Dad should pay for college. I think parents should. I think most parents in intact families would agree. AS I say, this blog is enlightening.

As I had stated a number of times, I did virtually all driving etc (on top of working full time, etc.). I guesss you chose to ignore those comments.

Jersey,

I am not certain how I would interpret your SS's statement. If he felt he was treated fairly, I am not certain why he would have said that. I know you think are not a witch. And you have said you have issues with your SD. And you complain about college costs.

This thread is about discipline, not college costs. There is another thread if you want to discuss who should pay for college.

I realize that maybe you were having a bad day or week or something is going on in your life because the comments you made yesterday were above and beyond the usual snipes. (at least I hope there is some other reason for your change in attitude than just being mean) Then you make a comment like that one and expect it to be interpreted 'as you see it' but all I did was show you the other side of how it could be seen. At this point, you are coming across as angry and vindictive (in my opinion) and you are entitled to your opinion on who should pay what, but just because other people disagree, does not mean you should do something that could be interpreted as punishing your child because you are angry at what is said here or because you don't like your ex or his SO. and the comment to Jersey does come off as mean spirited. Maybe it's because you are going through something but I hope it's not because you are really a mean person.

Love, I know I'm coming late to this, and I haven't read every single post, but I did want to add my two cents worth.

Since it is your household (whether KKNY or TOS like it or not), you should have input into what those rules and consequences are. You and DH should discuss this, and then he should let the kids know what the rules are and what the consequences of breaking them will be. He should also remind them that since you are the other grown-up in the household, the kids will have to listen to you in regard to their behavior. In other words, if they smack their sibling in their dad's absence, you will be the one to put them on a time-out.

The really hard part about blended families is that you can't control what happens in the other household. So if your child does something REALLY bad (like gets arrested for marijuana possession), you can ground that child in your home for the weekends that he is there, but that doesn't stop his mother from letting him off with no punishment at her house. Which leads to him not wanting to come over on the weekends.

It should be left to the bioparent to let the kids know what the rules and consequences are. You should, of course, have input in what those are, as it is your household, so this is something you and DH should discuss

Ima,

If stepmoms dont want Dads to pay for college, IMHO, then this isnt really a family situation, and should not be discliplining child but should be telling dad. In short, it seems to me that some people want respect and rights with no responsibilty. And I am not referring to stepchildren.

KKNY, I didn't say he said it, I said it was the look he gave me. And I agree with ImaMommy, your comment to me is mean spririted AND makes no sense! Besides that, it reads as if you think that I am a witch because I have issues with my SD and I complain about college costs. Don't those 2 things apply to biomoms too? I know my sister is sending her bioson off to college and she is complaining about the costs. What she has going for her is that her husband is still married to her and not trying to ring up all the costs she can just to get him.

I will not reply to further comments from you. As I said before, I already have one crazy biomom in my life that I'm forced to deal with......I don't need another one. I'm sorry that your life didn't turn out the way you wanted it to, but I will also quote Einstein here for you, in the hope that you might realize you need to change a thing or two in order to find happiness:

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

KKny, you said

"OK, this is educational -- you are saying that the SM community (OK, at least here) doesnt beleive Dad should pay for college. I think parents should. I think most parents in intact families would agree"

I dont agree with that. I think that believing parents are responsible for college costs depends less on whether its a step family , and more on the importance that the primary bio family , divorced or not, attaches to education. If the parents didnt have a college education themselves, or they struggled through part time classes in something obscure at a community college, and it didnt have a major impact on thier earning power, or their social status, then they are more likely to be against the idea that kids deserve to have college paid for. When the parents are university educated professionals, or when most of their social group has attended college, its far more prevelant to find parents agreeing that its their responsibility to pick up the costs.

The one area that step families sometimes run into is when the bio family does have the common value that college is important, and should be paid for, but then adding a third, or fourth person ( biomoms and biodads can both be remarried), who does not have the same values, derails the college plans by influencing their new spouse. That is doubly why it is important to settle it at the time of the divorce, and/or have a uniform policy among states. Too often, people dont think of college at the time of divorce because the children are small.

Not all people, bio parents, or not, agree that children deserve help with college. Its just the way it is.

The issue of discipline is simple. In mom's house.. mom makes the rules. If mom lets stepdad give input on the rules, that's HER choice. If mom lets stepdad tell the child to go to his/her room or enforce the rules, that's still HER call. In dad's house, vice versa.

What happens in mom's house is not for dad to decide and what happens in dad's house is not for mom to decide. The ONLY time mom or dad should have a say in what happens in the other parent's house (regarding discipline) is if there is any sort of abuse.

and in my house, I have my daughter and two of my nieces here right now. They were up making lots of noise last night and I yelled at ALL of them to go to bed. If my niece is doing something wrong, I'm not going to ignore it and wait to tell her mom and dad, she's in my house and I tell her what MY rules are. Period. (same goes for their friends) I expect my daughter to follow other people's rules in their homes. It doesn't matter if it's her best friend or her dad's house, she'd be expected to behave accordingly. Stepkids are no different.

My situation was different from yours. My first husband had 3 children from his first marriage. It was a shared custody situation. Obviously, he & his first wife had their issues, but when it came to their children, for the most part, they were able to cooperate with each other and act in the best interests of the kids.

When his kids were with us, I never presumed to discipline them. I was not the parent; DH was. This is not to say I had no input. DH and I had extensive conversations with each other about our separate expectations regarding parenting issues. Through these discussions, we ultimately came together with respect to concerns involving his children, expectations regarding their behavior (what was to be acknowledged/affirmed/encouraged versus what was reprimanded/discouraged) and how to respond to the kids. If "punishment" needed to be administered (time out, lectures, etc), DH was the adult to do so. He was their father...me? "Not the momma."

That said, his kids were pretty good kids and required little, if any, in the way of discipline. We went through a period very early on where his youngest tested limits/boundaries, etc...but we got past that pretty quickly. We generally looked forward to our time with them. When they were older and out of the home, it was common for us to vacation together. We enjoyed each other's company.

I have maintained contact with them even though their father died nearly 17 years ago.

Kathline, you said "KKny, you said
OK, this is educational -- you are saying that the SM community (OK, at least here) doesnt beleive Dad should pay for college. I think parents should. I think most parents in intact families would agree

I dont agree with that. "

It was IMA who said "sure, I can rephrase MY post:
You choose to be involved in a SM community who feel that Dad doesnt have to pay for college. "

Yes, even parents have differences of opinion. But here, as Ima said, there is a community of SMs who think Dad should not chip in. Which is not quite the same issue as difference of opinion between the child's parents.

"But here, as Ima said, there is a community of SMs who think Dad should not chip in."

Where did I say that?

You said, "And I see no need to get lectured by the SM community who feel that Dad doesnt have to pay for college."

All I did was rephrase it because you didn't like that only a 'part' of your sentence was used and I didn't want to take it out of your context. YOU imply that this SM community feels that dad doesn't have to pay for college and therefore you don't need to get lectured by any of us. Well, that is not the same as ME saying that all SM's here feel that way. What I'm saying is that you choose to be a part of THIS online community. Nobody is forcing you to be here.

Personally, I don't think college costs are the right of any child, unless there is a law that states it (or by agreement). I agree with Kathline that it varies from person to person and I have three bio kids. One that is in college and I'm helping him all I can. It would be nice if his dad would help him but legally, neither of us is obligated. Morally... maybe. I have another son that I know would not do well in college. I'd like for him to go but he doesn't have the motivation to do that. If he was motivated and would benefit, I'd help him too. I don't think college is as important as others because most people that I know that went to college, ended up doing something other than what they went to college for. There are also many successful people in my family that did not go to college. I don't think college equals success. I think that college educated people can be more successful than uneducated people, but not always. But, none of that matters because your point here is not about who should pay for college. It seems more to bash people that don't agree with you and blame stepmoms for kids not going to college. Several people here have (bio)kids that have gone to college and paid for their own college (my son is working to help pay his way too) and just because they would hold the same standard for their stepchild, they are being criticized and somehow you try to relate that to whether they now have the right to discipline in their own home, because they don't agree that dad should pay for college. And then you bring up your ex's SO lifestyle and comments that she's made to your daughter about you. What does that have to do with discipline. Apparently, your daughter doesn't spend much time with her dad and his SO isn't going to have to worry too much about disciplining her and he's already bound by your agreement to pay for her college... so what is your freakin' point???? How does anything you've said relate to this thread???

No one said that SMs don't want dad to pay for college. Not on this thread. This thread isn't even about college. I understand that college is a big deal in your life right now, but it's not an issue for all of us. So STOP HIJACKING THREADS TO TALK ABOUT SOMETHING THAT'S ALREADY ON ANOTHER THREAD. It's annoying and getting old. This whole dam forum is not about YOUR problem with college expenses.

Back to the original post, and I haven't thoroughly read all the replies, but I will discipline A__ when he's with us/me.

I often have A__ for a few hours with me when FDH is at work. I agree that "Wait until your father gets home" doesn't work.

We have family rules of general standards of behavior (Things like "Mind your manners and don't use bad language" "Be safe, especially in the kitchen" "Eat healthy meals and snacks") that A__ is expected to follow. When he is not following a rule, I will say something like "Is that following the rule about being careful with property?" and then ask him what he could do differently to follow the rule. Most of the time, that's all he needs now.
If he continues to break the rule, whatever he is doing is taken away... For example, he has to sit on his bum or knees on the computer chair (no crouching or standing on it). He gets asked three times, and then he's off the computer for the rest of the day.

If I'm doing something special with just him and me (like take him swimming or to a museum, etc) then he knows that my word if final and he has to listen or we're going home.

Sometimes when he does something particularly bad when it's just him and me, we call Dad at work to say what has happened and ask what discipline he would like. Just to note, we also do that with big successes - we call to say that A__ did something awesome and ask what reward Dad would like.
For successes/problems at school, we'll also call BM to let her know what's up. School-related rewards or punishments travel between houses now, and his behavior has improved beyond measure.

When FDH is around, he does the discipline. We back each other up and A__ knows that he has to listen to us both, but FDH does the decision making.

"When FDH is around, he does the discipline. We back each other up and A__ knows that he has to listen to us both, but FDH does the decision making."

That sounds exactly like us.

To me, when I am caring for STBSS, I simply have to be able to have authority to "discipline." I cannot tell him "wait till your dad gets home."

When my fiance is home, he is really excellent about backing me up, but any actual discipline is done by him. For example, if STBSS is doing something he knows he is not supposed to do, and we are both there--my fiance will handle it.

kkny, "tell the dad what his son did wrong". While I agree the dad should be told especially if the offense is serious, I have a question for you or any bio mom that feels Step parent shouldn't discipline.
Example mom picks up SS and DD after school. Jumping on furniture is not allowed but both start jumping on couch - mom says to stop, they don't stop. Punishment after a warning is a 5 minute time out. You are actually saying she physically stop her DD and have her do the 5 minute time out and SS can continue to jump till he decides to stop or dad comes home??? First he could get badly hurt and second why would a step child ever listen to a step parent that didn't have the right to stop a dangerous thing. Some of these step parents aren't talking major problems like cutting school, drugs, drinking etc they are just trying to have a congenial home.