Please do yourself a favor and read the post "Camelot has been sacked" it might help.

we are in the same position...we tried the you discipline yours and I will mine but really that is silly cause if the neighbor kid came over and did something wrong would you sit and be quiet...no! and that is what got me stewing was NOT being able to say something...are you defensive of your child...if you aren't then it shouldn't be a problem..my husband and I lived together for 4 years before we got married...he sent my kids for time outs, spoke up where need be and anything other than that was MY job and I think that worked very well for us...when his girls came to live with us however hubby was defensive if I spoke up to his girls and he thought I picked on them...you really have to trust your wife to parent your child and trust that she has the best intentions...if she is mean of course, step in...but your wife needs to know that you SUPPORT HER...it is not easy at all but if you support your wife when she needs to speak up to your daughter and reiterate respect and that your daughter needs to listen to your wife it won't be an issue..it is when a parent gets defensive of their child and misses out on the "issue" that i think it becomes a problem...someone gave me great advice that i quite liked on my posting...that you handle the timeouts whether it is yours or hers and you together, husband and wife, handle the consequence amongst yourselves so the children see you are united...that is wonderful cause I know what the you and yours feels like and it isn't good...doesn't feel like a family does it?

Trust her with disaplining your daughter???? Hmmmmm. Read this whole forum and learn about how many of these "new" wifes despise/resent their husbands children from a previous marriage. I would be very concerned after reading this forum of "trusting" a step parent who could not get along with my children to be fair. I also feel that your "first" responsibility is to raise your child in a home where she feels loved, heard, supported. I think that so many kids have problems when they find that their parent is standing united with his "lover" totally supporting his lover (who hates the kid by the way)...letting down his children who are too young to live on their own, too young to do anything about the situation, and it must be very, very, painful for a kid. A betrayal by the parent they thought would protect them and provide a safe and loving home to grow up in. Instead, they find that they can never do anything right because the truth is...they can't. This woman simply does not want them there. She wants him to herself and this man to parent "her" children. She does not want his kids in her "nest"...especially after she gets pregnant with "their" child. Perhaps it is mother nature at work.

There are some step parents who are inspiring people and are able to rise to the occasion of parenting someone elses kids, and do a better job than some bio-parents.
But if you read this forum, you will learn that they are rare indeed.

Also...if you understand the nuances of women, you will understand that they can be very petty, they can percieve insults where none were intended, they can be manipulative and tell things in a way that make them look good and leave out the parts of the story where they were the ones to inflict pain/hurt. Women can stir things up very well indeed. And some are literally pros at it. You will also find as you read the stories on this forum (pleae, take the time to read the WHOLE step parenting forum since so many are entries from "new" wifes and read how few of them tell their husbands their true feelings, that she hates his children. Basically, because they "love" their husband, they just don't want his children messing up her picture of her little family.

And last...I am also aware that yes, many children treat the new wife badly for a variety of reasons. But look at it through the eyes of your child. There is a PERFECT movie scene to describe this through the eyes of your child. The movie is titled: The sisterhood of the traveling pants. If you do not want to watch the movie...it is still well worth the $2.00 to rent it and fast forward to this scene. Carmen is at a bridal store with the woman her dad is marrying, and the womans daughter. They are trying on bridesmaids dresses and Carmen becomes very upset. She runs out of the store sobbing and doesn't come back home until evening. (She gets a cab to take her home...the cab driver is concerned leaving her there because their doesn't appear to be anyone home. Carmen says she will wait on the porch, that they are probaly worried and looking for her). Instead as she walks around the back of the house, she sees her father at the kitchen table with his "new" wife to be, and her two kids and they are all laughing and happy together. Her father has formed a new family where she does not fit in or belong. The phone conversation she has with her father in a scene soon following is heart wrenching. It is divorce, through the eyes of a child. "Dad" now lives in someone elses house with someone elses kids and they do not fit in or belong there. Nowhere feels like home anymore. They feel like a guest or worse, and are too young to do anything about it.

Love your child Dad. You only have a few more years before your job of raising her is over. Make them wonderful for you both. It sounds to me like your new wife has you, and now wants your child "out of her nest". How sad. If she really loving, she would treat your daughter well, because she knows how important your daughter is to you, and would not want to hurt you, by hurting your daughter. When someone hurts our child, doesn't it hurt us as a parent, even more than it hurts our kids? It is painful to see our kids hurting. What do we do when the hurt is being caused by the very person who professes to love us? When they are the ones inflicting pain on our child?

Yes, your daughter sounds like an average teen...EXCEPT... why in the world is a fourteen year old kid working 13 hours a day...and then chores at home too? When does your beautiful daughter have the chance to just be a kid?

I think that you wife is pulling all the female *&%) to get your daughter out of the picture. With all the strength of a man, pull back your shoulders, stand stong for your daughter...tell your wife that you love her, that you want this marriage to work, but you are not going to be bullied into abandoning your responsibilities as a father, anymore than you expect her to toss out her kid for you. That you are a family now, and that you would like everyone to work together to actually become one.

That if your child has to leave, then so should hers. The problem is that these woman only want "his kids" out of the picture. They want to remake their new little family...stealing a man who belonged first to someone else...his kids. They are his first responsibility. Before his lover. She shouldn't get to steal their dad, and then kick them out of the nest...as though they never existed.

Just another thought to throw out on the table for consideration.

Callmerae's advice is exactly correct. I was a stepmom to a teenage girl who moved in with us when she was 11 and proceeded into an extremely difficult teenagerdom. Our house was a battlefield, and my SD told me she was "the person who ran the house." In the meantime, her dad was dismissing the behavior as typical teenager. Stop a moment to process that. The only thing that worked was when her dad started supporting my authority, insisting that I be treated with respect, when he was the direct disciplinarian, when he and I arrived at mutual decisions in private, and when he informed SD that he and I, as the two parents responsible for the household and her welfare, made the decisions. I don't think she ever loved me, but at least I wasn't ignored and her attempts to triangulate us, and split her father and me, stopped. She and I are friendly now.

bnicebkind you should probably change your name to bbitterbmean. I read no kindness or niceness in your post.

Wow, donethat, that's like the second thread you've posted a negative response to a previous poster. What's up with that?
I think bnicebkind had some very wise points. Speaking for myself, there is a lot of hard truths in that post. I am an adjusting new wife/stepmom and am admittedly part of the insecure new wife and recipient of a full-time difficult step child. His (? or her?) advice/thoughts were right on target and definitely not bitter or mean. The truth does hurt, I should know.

Dear Manda,

I think that donethat's comment about bnicebkind has some validity. I've noticed that in a couple of bnicebkind's posts he tends to make some really nasty comments bashing women, as if we are all cut from the same cloth. *Then* he goes on to make some valid comments.

BniceBkind, I don't think viciously bashing women in your posts paints a picture of a person who is overall trying to Bnice and Bkind. And I don't think your women bashing comments are constructive in this forum, especially when you usually do have something else to say that *is* constructive.

Thanks for your replies - I am really trying to be patient and fair to all involved becasue I love them all. My kids do feel loved but I am having a firmer hand with them. In some ways I have been too trusting with them and through monitoring text/e-mail messages, I realize that they are pretty sneaky at going places that I would not agree with a few times. Apparently going out on dates (she is 14 remember) when she says she is spending the night with her friend. I am not happy about this but have to find a way to bring it up without letting her know that I looked in her cell phone to figure it out. I do not like being sneaky, but have come to the realization that I would not know these things unless I checked. New wife gets stressed out due to these acitons even though she has an equally sneaky male teenager living with us who has different issues (lying, drinking) He is 17.
I have worked very hard to make sure that I treat all the kids equal and don't sweat the small stuff any longer. I deal with the isssues that affect their safety and well being without being unloving. I do know that I am a parent first and then a friend. They don't always like my decisions but I stand firm when I know it is in their best interest. Anyway, I know I am venting and frustrated right now. New wife thinks she has enougth to deal with her own kids and school and does not need the additional stress of mine. I try to explain that there is no "mine" and "yours" - they are "ours" now and it is our job to raise them in a loving environment - all that brings is an argument. Yes, I am frustrated and caught in a delicate balancing act. I know from reading this forum that many other have been here as well - Any other thoughts, suggestions? What can I do??? Again thanks for the help so far -

Manda,
I am sorry if you fell I was bashing benice. I just think that over generalazations cause a lot of trouble. If people need help they need honest sincere help. As I stated before in another post all stepmoms aren't bad, they all aren't good either. All stepkids need love and support but they don't need blind guilty parenting either. Kids have already paid a price for the first divorce of their biological parents. They certainly don't deserve to go through a second divorce. BUT, they and the parents all have to sit down and understand that the old family, the biological family is gone. The parents may be alive but the marriage is gone. Therefore, for the happiness, security and growth of the kids the new family, new marriage has to be run with love and fairness for all. Each situation is different and all parents (biological or otherwise) if they are good people will do what is in the best interest of the kids. And it is DEFINITELY in the best interests of the kids that this new marriage and new family survive.

First, for the record, donethat and organic sherry... I am a woman. And if you take the time to read this entire forum, you will find that most of the posts are by...women. And you will find post after post of "new wives" who "hate", "despise" or "resent" their new husbands children. Their feelings seem to become especially strong after she has "their" baby. I also have several close friends who have married men who had children from a previous marriage. All are educated, attractive, really terrific women who are kind, funny, and well grounded. They are secure women in their own right. I thought with each of them, that if anyone could pull off the role of step-mother, any one of these women had what it takes to pull it off, and do it well.

However, like so many women on the forum, they each went on to have children with their new husband, ( a few had a child or two from another marriage) and they quickly got "his" kids out of the house. They could not stand them there. And in each situation, dad is now dad to her kids, and "their new child". These are not awful women. They are terrific women who have many friends, and are generally happy, successful women. I like each of them as people. And I hear "their" side to it all. And I understand.

And yet in all of this, there are children that are paying a very painful price for the choices these adults are making. Dad now sees his own kids for an hour or so at mcDonalds for lunch, because his new wife does not want his kids in her home. Kids fathers (or mothers) who now live in someone elses house, and who are now mom or dad to someone elses kids. They no longer seem to belong anywhere. They are now a guest where ever they go. Can you close your eyes and think back to when you were a child, and imagine your mom or dad now living in another house, being a parent to some other kids, and finding your dad's new wife or your mom's new husband hates you and doesn't want you there? Can you imagine as a child what this must feel like? Do you even care to do this, or is it an image you do not want to acknowledge?

Read my post..."Lost everything...where is home". It is a true story...and although it is the story of a child I know, it is also the story of many, many children who have lost their family in a divorce.

Can you open up your mind to understand that there are many sides to these situations? Can you believe that a woman can behave very poorly when protecting her new nest? Perhaps not you, but what about the woman your ex-husband marries? Is she wonderful with "your" children, or is she protecting her new turf, and picking on your kids for everything? That is what I am talking about when I say that women can be petty. They can perceive insults where none were intended. Women can be manipulative. (I suppose that men can be too, but I have only read a few posts from men...and they seems to have different complaints than the women. I am not being vicious, or bitter. I am just pointing out a truth. Perhaps you are not that way. And perhaps the woman that marries your ex-husband...well, perhaps she is not that way either. Can you give her the benefit of the doubt, and tell her she is doing a wonderful job with your kids? So kind, and fair? Why or why not?

Sometimes we do not see or admit to the behavior in ourselves, but clearly see the faults in the woman who marries our ex, or his children. Or maybe we do our best to behave really well, and his kids really are unbearable, and are ruining our life. I don't know.

I would love to hear stores about step mothers who adore "his" kids, and think his ex-wife is just wonderful!!! She is welcome over anytime!!! Wouldn't that be refreshing? But instead, women will tell you that her new husbands ex wife is horrible. But maybe she is just a woman doing the best she can to raise their children. Or maybe she feels threatened by the new wife and really is behaving badly. I don't know. What I do imagine, is that there are many sides and emotions run high because there is so much at stake.

BNBK, and that is exactly the reason that I am a big proponent of either:

1. Staying single and raise your children, or
2. If you DO marry again, have no more children.

If it is that important for someone to have their own children, they should marry someone who is also childless. The odds do NOT favor mixed families. You only have to spend 10 minutes reading around here to figure that out. These are not isolated situations.

I figure I'm also a pretty good harda**. Funny, 'cause I had to apologize to my SD tonight....LOL

bnicebkind,
I hear you. i am a male that when through the exact opposite of what most people here have experienced. I love my step kids as if they are my own. That was my fatal flaw. I hated watching their future lives being compromised because of guilt or anger with their existing biological parents. You are a very nice person and I understand that we all see our worlds from our own glasses. That is just the way it is. I guesss the moral here is that being a stepanything is hard but with a great deal of love an patience it can work. Also remember that the only people that come on this forum are having problems. The happy, healthy steps don't need this. There are probably many success stories. I just want us all to give/receive advice from a good place. A non-tainted place. If that is possible.

Please read the post "If I could tell step mothers of adult children anything".... the timing of this post was perfect. This is what I am talking about with some step mothers and some of the "female" behavior when they feel threatened...or are trying to protect their turf, or just their behavior that causes children (adult or not) to know that they are not wanted in the picture. Where they attempt to break down the relationship between the parent and his child to get them out of the picture for what ever reason. Please do not be offended that I suggested that it is female behavior. I think some men do their own share of creating strife, only I imagine that it is different, perhaps more aggressive somehow.

As a stepmom of two, I do love them. Not the same love i would give my child. But i demand respect from ANYONE. Child adult relative or friend. I've kicked my own father out of my apartment for disrespect and so on.
I've had two stepmoms in the past after my mother passed away from cancer. So i also have an idea what my SK are going through. Because i lived it. And i did rebell at 14 years of age myself. Swore at my father BUT my stepmom i would treat with respect. She did not resent me only give me kindness and understanding and patience. And she would talk to me if i was out of line. I was in her house. You see , its up to the parents bio that is, to raise their kids properly. In a divorce, which did not happen to me , their is resentment to begin with and hate between the parents. This is passed to the kids. THis luggage of emotion is passed to the kids. And the ex wife 90% of the time is vindictive and controlling and territorial.
In the end its up to the bioparent to teach respect to his kids. To respect everyone regardless if they do not agree with them.
Unfortunatley in most cases the kids are not taught that. And when they do turn 18 they are turned out. Why? Because not only do they show disrespect to the stepparent but also to the bioparent. Even the bioparent at that point lets go and has to let go to let their kids make adult decision along with the consequences. I left and didnt' speak with my father for 6 years. After i married, now we have relationship.
So stepmom or fathers turning out the other kids is more complicated then just resentment and territory.
oh yah, i did try being friends with the ex. She just turned around after 5 months during christmas holidays and blamed me for F******* up the schedual between her ex and her. I was not even involved and i became the scapegoat to all her problems whenever she doesn't get her way. Now her own daughter resents her and has told my husband she wished i was her mother. (i'll be honest, i feel sorry for the biomom. She has so much hate in her and she is not letting it go.It is destroying every relationship around her. Her kids, her parents and even her new husband now)

I don't know HOW this post has changed so much argon but for the women who say EVERY stepmom hates their step kids and are territorial is definetely wrong to me...its like saying all black guys dance!! I hate the situation that I am in sometimes, hate how things are handled sometimes, hate how this is a yours and mine situation sometimes but by no means do I hate my stepdaughters...I have known hubby and his girls for 5 years and we have lived together for one year in sept...it has been a very difficult year but I am getting closer to them and resent them for stealing "my time" (yes, I am selfish of that). I feel sorry for the girls for having a mother who does drugs and alcohol and chose men over them..I don't hate their mom, I feel sorry for her and would never say an ill word to her face-it would only cause resentment with her and the girls and we have to spend a lifetime together so why start as it would serve no purpose. I don't love my sd like I do my sons but I don't show that..it is in my heart..my 8 year old wants to cuddle in bed in the morning and my 9 yr sd comes andcuddles as well-my feelings are in my heart for my boys-I don't carry those feelings on my sleeve to hurt my sd because I CARE very much for them and discipline the girls just exactly as I would my boys..just alittle more carefully. Don't paint all stepmoms with the same brush

Callmerae, I am so happy to hear that there are step mothers who will step up to the plate and do the right thing by these children! From reading this forum, and from the experiences with my own friends who are terrific women, but each and every one of them got his kids out quickly, I am beginning to wonder where the step mothers are that are willing to step up to the plate and do the best they can for these kids, and make these kids know that they are loved and cared about. I applaud you for being fair, and for being sensitive to the heart of a child to not show favorites, and to not hurt them needlessly with words and actions. Bless you for doing the best you can by these kids. For stepping up to the plate and doing it well, to make a home for these kids where they know they are cared about.

Read this forum and you will find so many women that hate, or can not stand his kids. It is just so sad.

I just want to commend Argon for seeking advice about how to deal with his daughter and wife. I wish that my dad had done the same.

I don't believe that all stepmothers are like mine, but I have read many of the posts on this website and It does seem like a good bit of them truly do hate their stepchildren and are just counting the days until they turn 18 so that they no longer have to deal with them...I hope they understand that you don't stop being a parent once the child turns 18, you still continue to have a relationship and a bond forever with that child if you are a good parent.

I did not live with my SM and my Dad. The first weekend I went to his house to visit him after he began dating her, I knew that I had a rough road ahead of me. I was a typical 15 year old girl and at times didn't listen or do what I was told. And from day 1, SM made it her mission to make sure that she called me on all of my bad behavior, I feel that if my Dad had a problem with the way I behaved, he should have been the one to handle it. SM also has a son who from what I can gather gets away with murder. He is always condecending to her and never respectful, but it was MY behavior that just could not be tollerated. Her behavior toward me has strained my relationship with my dad to the degree that we still do not have a close bond. I am now 28.

When stepmothers choose to marry into families where there are children they should understand what they are getting into. They should understand that they will not and can not be the only priority in her husbands life. I believe that it is difficult for some women to realize that if it was THEIR child behaving badly that they might respond to the behavior differntly than the do with HIS kid.

Argon, if you believe your wife is acting irrationaly toward your daughter, you should call her on it and you should not allow it. I also think that if you are having trouble with your daughter it should be your responsibilty to handle the discipline. Your daughter is used to your parenting style and trusts you to love her through her horrible teen years. I don't think she has the same expectations from your wife. It sounds like she is a pretty good kid and that you are a very good and rational Dad. It is very hard for a teenager to be welcoming and loving toward someone who does not exhibit that behavior toward them.

Also, for the stepmothers reading this, I believe that if you give respect to your stepchildren they will also respect you. You cannot just come into their lives and turn their worlds upside down and expect them to respond with kindness.

I've been a stepchild adn now i'm a stepmom. I do give my kids respect. But at those years it is difficult. BUT IT IS NOT AN EXCUSE NOT TO DISCIPLINE. PERIOD. Argon your wife will leave you because she feels you do not support her in anyway. She is being distant because you are not disciplining your daughter for her teenage behaviour. You wife is in school and comes home and is a wife. That is basically 2 jobs at least. I do not believe the stepparent should discipine the stepkids. IT CAUSES RESENTMENT. Ive made it clear in my house i will not descipline my husbands kids. Its not my darn job to do so. I was in there position and i hated my first stepmom for desciplining me. I felt i was bullied in my own household and if there was a problem with my behaviour i prefered that my father be the one to tell me off.
I was a teen and hard to handle with alot of emotional issues on top ofbeing a teenager. So having a stepmom gave me more insecurities of losing my father. Cause thats how we see it.
So stepback aragon , look at your household. Look at your daughters behaviour. Does she show respect to your wife. Does her daughter show respect to you. And yes descipline your daughter. Its YOUR JOB NOT HERS. She's got enough on her plate and having a fighting match under her house with your daughter doesn't help. You have to be together with your wife and show her support adn at the same time show love to your daughter and tell her you understand her feelings but both have to meet on amiddle ground. Hold a family meeting when emotions calm down.
Your wife doesn't care anymroe cause she has given up. She probably feels whatever she says is not supported inyour household.