You know why do you force yourself? IF they were kids then i can give you advice to tolerate them. But since they are adults. I'll give you this advice.
1. You do not have to like them at all. Tell your husband you dislike them. And there is nothing wrong with this. Really there isn't. You have the right as a person, as a human being to not get along with an individual. No matter who they are related to. So your husband defends them like a mother bear. Good for him. He should, they are his offspring.
2. You do not forget. Forgive yourself for feeling this way because you are a good person and a very giving person.
3. STOP DOING ANYTHING FOR THESE ADULTS. THEY DO NOT APPRECIATE YOU AND WILL NOT. THEREFORE DO NOTHING. DO NOT SHOP FOR THEM. COOK FOR THEM. COLLECT ANYTHING FOR THEM UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE.
4. You do not have to like SS again. He has given you no reason to do so. Confront him the next time he does or says anything to you. THis is between you and your ADULT SS. Not your husband. Tell him to stay out of it. He can give his opinion but in the end its between you and his adult kid.
5. If you continue doing things for them then you will feel like a rug being stepped on. Stop it!
6. Ignore them. Your relationship is with your husband. not these adults. Focus on your relationship with him. ANd let him have his time with his kids. THey are his not yours. You have no obligation to them and never will.
7. You are a good woman. Kind. THoughtful. Trust your husband with the fact he put his foot down with this 'other woman' He loves you and wont cheat on you. By saying he was uncomfortable he's proven it.
You are hurt because you were close with SS. You cannot force him to like for whatever his reasons for turning his back on you. Accept the SS behaviour and back off and ignore. There is nothing wrong with this. Let him approach you for talking but stop bending for him and doing nice things. You r hurting yourself.

The only thing I can say is... you should sit down with him and DH and talk. You talk and him listen, and once you are done let him say what he wants. You will only grieve and grow more and more angry if you do not get this off of your chest. Tell your DH that you are angry with your SS about the past issue and feel you can not move on until you have a chance to sit down and talk.

How do you know SS was trying to set up your DH with this other women?

Wow! I wish I had some pearls of wisdom for you, but I can only shake my head in amazement!

If you really cannot confront him on this, I guess you really have no choice but to tolerate him and limit time w/ him to very small doses. If DH actually called him to tell him to stop trying to set him up w/ another woman (completely inappropriate and disgusting that SS would set up any married person w/ another, esp. his own parent) then I don't see where your DH could possibly defend what he did. If you did say something to SS, even benign,I don't think your DH could deny what happened. Try saying, "I'm not sure why you tried so hard to have your dad meet _______. Did I do something to upset you? Your dad and I take our vows very seriously and I hope you can respect them as well..."

If you don't clear the air, it will most likely fester. What was your DH's take on this? What was the SS's motive?

If it's any consolation, I'm also stunned at the turnaround my SS took. I thought he and I were close. I took him in when his mother began to realize he was gay and chastised for it. I went out on many limbs for him and he has only stuck me for so much money. I am hounded monthly to pay for his student loans that I cosigned for. It hurts. Like you, the girls in the picture were never as receptive to me, so I almost could have expected them to do something like this. I thought the SS would have been a little more grateful for all the years I bent over backwards for him.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. At 22, this 'kid' needs to get his own life and stop intruding on yours so much. It's time for him to grow up, stop borrowing stuff all the time, and stand on his own two feet for a change.

Good luck,
Dana

angelz921 to answer question about how I know you could go back and read some of my post about 8-6 months ago. But, I knew because it began last summer when SS stayed with his girlfriend at her mother's home. The other woman is SS's girlfriend's single mom. Let's call her Betty. Last summer Betty had broken up with her current boyfriend. SS started calling DH to come over to Betty's house to pick something up or to play basketball, etc. SS came up with some excuse all the time for DH to come over to Betty's house for. I was never invited. DH often avoided going and had son meet him somewhere or come to our home to get something. The one time DH asked me to come with, it was obvious Betty had the hots for DH and ignored me totally and SS tried to keep me busy so DH and Betty could talk alone. Betty even had the nerve to rub her breast up against DH while showing him something in a magazine. One other time we saw Betty and again she ignored me and placed all her attention on DH even when I attempted to nicely chat with her, she turned away. Well, that was it for me I not longer wanted anything to do with her. She appeared to be a home wreaker and I told DH how I felt. He thought I imagined it but did make every attempt to stay away when SS kept on try to get them together.
Then a couple months past and DH birthday came around. I had a birthday party the night before for DH so we were tired and snuggled up on the couch resting on his birthday night. DH cell phone rings and it is Betty calling to wish him a Happy Birthday. The look on DH face was unforgettable. DH barely said two words and hung up and past his phone to me, saying you know who that was? I then said do you believe me now? I think he finally got it.

SS attempted a few more times in the next few months to get Betty and DH together by starting a business together. Thats when I said I had enough and he needed to put a stop to it or I was not going to put up with it anymore. DH did talk with SS and it did stop. Thank Goodness.

Organic Maria, I have tried to stop helping and being involved with my DH's kids, but, Dh keeps getting me involved and asking for my help with his kids. DH gets mad at me if I do not help with his kids. DH knows I am a giving person and knows that I help all kinds of people and is hurt and anger if I don't help his kids. I love my DH and I am toren between that love and his kid's evils ways.

Vista, I know DH would not approve of sitting down with SS and talking. As I said "his kids can do no wrong". To DH it is water under the bridge let it go. SS would lie and say he did not attempt to get them together. SS lies alot and I have caught him in several lies. DH and SS always say the lie is someone elses fault not the SS's fault.

Thanks for all the advise. If you have more keep posting. Thanks again.

Bonjour Sunnygardener,

I was wondering where you were lately considering I hadn't seen any of your posts or replies to posts. I am glad to see you still come here.

Sunnygardener, i know so much how you feel. We have commented on each others posts. This is what i have to say.

I once heard that you do not have to love everybody you meet during your lifetime. You really, really, really don't!

I know you feel like you have been kind and generous towards these stepchildren and still they still treat you like crap when they feel like it. Inconsiderate, rude, selfish, etc. etc. etc.

I know you have alot of resentment towards these stepchildren and when we do have these feelings towards people, it hurts us. It's not fun. However, i suggest you talk to DH about your feelings ( talk just a little bit at a time, otherwise its going to become a big verbal argument. I know. Been there with DH. His kids can DO NO WRONG). This time however, don't ask DH how he feels about your feelings, etc. No. Just tell him how you feel, that it is very hard for you to accept what his son did. It was totally disrespectful and you are not going to pretend no more that it didn't bother you. You will be polite towards this young non intellingent careless man, but nothing more. That's it! That's all. Don't even make a bit story out of all this. Instead, show your DH you have made up your mind on this issue and that's that! When stepson comes along next time, say Hi, don't ask how things a re going, don't ask him a single thing. Nothing. Don't even ask him to have a seat.

I know, i know it will be hard to do cuz i did it mayself with my oldest SD and believe me I was really unconfortable not being nicer towards her, not being there for her, not being all in a good mood when I saw her. Believe me it is a hard thing to do but once you do it, you will go to your room and you will give yourself a tap on the shoulder plus a super big hug and you will tell myself : i am so nice to myself, i love myself, luv luv luv. Nobody needs to treat me like crap. Nobody.

Believe it or not, after I did this to my SD and i did it a couple of times, that is, I didn't inquire how things were going with her, I didn't respond to her silly remarks, I didn't invite her to have a seat, etc.etc. she called me for the first time in 18 years wishing me a Happy Mother's DAy.

I thought maybe i should start being nicer to her. Then i decided NOPE. She has been making me sad for 18 years. Why should i start or continue being really nice to her when the day of her wedding she never gave me a corsage to wear (by that time i had been in her life for 14 years straight), she never, never thanked me for the wedding gift her father and I gave her ( she thanked her father, but not me!! Hubby was too ignorant to tell her she should have thanked me also. I haven't forgotten this event yet!). It has been three years in a row that she comes to our home on christmas day without even a simple xmas card to give us!!

So, from now on, please, everytime this ugly feeling creeps up in your heart in regards to this stepson or stepdaughter, stop and breathe and remember you don't owe these people a single thing.

My stepson with whom i've had a great relationship for years and years, has started to be really ignorant towards me in the last couple of years. That is, he doesn't call on my birthday, doesn't bother to shop for me at xmas, never calls to say hi. Now he is gone in the armed forces. I don't have an email for him nor do i have a phone number where i can reach him. I think of him alot and last night i almost called his sister to get the information, but then i stopped and i told myself. He knows where i live and with who i live! If he wants to talk to me, he can call! Boy do i love myself hihihiih!

Keep posting!

I have a question: does your step-children have keys to your house? If so, I would get that changed. They can call before hand and talk to their dad (have call display so you do not have to answer) and their dad can do the running around for them. You should not be disrespected anymore. I agree you should limit the day to day contact with them but still participate if you want in the big family gatherings. And why should you forget? I am surprised you forgave SD or SS. I don't think I could. His kids were trying to break you and your husband up. I would have trouble looking at the SS again too. I probably wouldn't want him in my house again for quite awhile. My husband could go to their house to visit. It sounds like the things they need are not urgent and can wait until your husband can bring it to them or they can pick it up when he is home.

I am new to this site and am new to being a step-mother so I don't know if I have been helpful. I am still learning so much myself.

josie37, No they do not have keys that I know of for this home, however, they did in our previous home. When we moved I never said they could not have keys but I think DH kinda knew how I felt about them having access to our home when we are not there. In our previous home both stepkids caused alot of turmoil in the home and even allowed their bio mom in our home when we were away, which, I did not care for. Their was alot of items of mine that just disappeared and I have not located to this day. In the current house, DH did hide a key in the garage and I am sure if SS called an wanted to get in the house he would tell him where it is. It bothers me but I am waiting for this to happen and the I will confront it. It will depend on why he needs to get in the house on how I feel about the reason. Thanks for your input.

Hi, Sunny

I had a similar situation when we had been married about
3 years.

My husband's ex-girl friend (10 year relationship that ended
when he and I met)began having dinner with my SS who was about 19 at the time. SS was flattered by the attention, and would provide any information about our home life that GF wanted to know. GF started showing up anyplace
we went, even at neighborhood cook-outs and family funerals.
It was a clear attempt to insert GF back into DH's life, and to interfere with our marriage.

Unfortunately, DH liked the attention, and really didn't see the harm. I contronted SS, who said that it was just a friendship, and he thought that I was being unreasonable to ask him to end his friendship, just because I had married DH.

DH thought I was being possessive and unreasonable, and didn't see the harm in it.

This continued until GF started phoning DH at home and
once, DH and a friend even visited her at her house about an hour away. E mails, etc.

Hmmmm. What to do.

I did what you did. I put my foot down and insisted that
it stop. That really didn't work. It just made me look insecure.

So, I started inviting this GF to all family events, and it freaked her and everyone out. It was as though I had pulled her into the mainstream and the rest of the family (elderly aunts, etc) started talking and it embarassed DH and SS. Evidently, it was fun to be subtle about it, but when she started appearing at the bedside of ill relatives in the hospital, or at family funerals, or a Christmas brunch, it really got everyone talking. I didn't care...it didn't reflect on me. I started sending her chatty e mails letting her know everything we were doing--and she started thinking that I was crazy. That put an end to everything, and DH phoned her employer and asked him to put a stop to her harassment of us. He put his foot down with SS, and said that he was being disloyal to our family, and he needed to stop.

Regarding SS, I have been cordial, but I have never trusted SS again. He is very charming, and I am pleasant, but that's all. He is now 25, and if I see his name on caller ID, I let DH answer it or let it ring. If he asks me for anything, I refer him to DH.

Don't ever trust him. You don't have to be his friend.
For your husband's sake, you can be pleasant but detached.
SS is not your friend, and never will be.

Let SS and DH them have all the time together they want, but you don't have to accompany them. You can be very gracious about it and say that you know they really need some guy time together, and that you've got a million things to do.

And if SS tries to involve this woman again, have a dinner party and invite SS, his GF, and this woman, and maybe a few other friends. Be sweet as pie, if they show up.
It will really stun everyone.

Hi southernsummer -
My heart goes out to you and everyone who has posted on this board. Stepmothering is a lifetime journey of rollercoaster rides. Just when we think we "have it together" regarding our adult stepkids, we find ourselves facing another hilltop drop!

It's wonderful to have a venting place such as this board and to be able to read some fantastic advice from other women in similar positions. I hope everyone will continue to post so we all will continue to be edified and strengthened.

Thanks to all for the wonderful advise. Now everytime I see SS I remind myself I do Not have to like or trust him. It helps some.

Southernsummer, I have a question for you and any other stepparents. I know it is good that DH and SS spend alone time together, however, I have noticed when they do DH always comes to me with some crazy request that Effects/or Involves me that SS has asked for. It usually involves money. He wants unnecessary things. DH and I are not wealth and cannot affored unnecessary things for ourselves let alone for an adult child. So my question is "How does one stay calm about DH and SS being alone?" When everytime they spend time alone some wild and unnecessary requests is made by SS that effects our marriage and relationship. I also know he talks to DH about bio mom alot because DH has told me various things he has said, which, I don't think is necessary either. No one talks with me about my ex because I would stop it died if the did. I know I cannot control what they talk about. What I am asking is how to stop my anxiety/uneasyness about knowing some crazy request is coming my way after they have been alone together? That DH and I will probably fight over it.

I agree it nice to have somewhere to ask these questions with people who have experience. Thanks to all of you.

Organic maria, I think that your response and advice to Sunny was right on the mark! I would add: Sunny, stand tall and stand proud! You KNOW that you did your very best for these maladjusted adults and on this conviction you can truly rest!
There seems to be a common theme here and one that I can personally relate to: Stepchildren, particularly SS, who we once thought were close to us and vice versa, but who, for reasons only they really know, turned an about face at some point in adulthood. I think, that in the case of SS, alot can be traced back to circumstances in their first family regading their BM's. Sons seem to have particular difficulty in separating their own identities from their Mom's, whereas daughters have been through the Mom/daughter rivalry phase for the most part and at some point, learn to see and accept their BM's at face value and without the rose colored glasses. At least that has been my observation concerning my SS and SD. I've known for 22 plus years (since the beginning) that my SS would have unresolved issues concerning his BM, issues that include her abandonment of him as a child and that to some degree I, as the Stepmom would be the scapegoat for her failures. My 'mistake was in failing to keep this knowledge firmly in the back of my mind during the 'honeymoon' years when I truly believed that this young man (who insisted from the very first on calling me 'Mom')and I had built a foundation of affection and yes, love, totally independent of his relationship with BM. Even the naive eventually wake up, and that was me!