LOL! This makes me think of the other day. DS12 got a pretty bad sunburn. He called me at work and asked if he could go to the community pool with a friend. I told him yes, but he had to put on sunblock and I would know if he didn't. I told him he would not be allowed to go again if he didn't. He's always complaining about putting it on. So, anyway, he doesn't...lies to me and my mom who was at my house that day. DS takes pics of his sunburn and texts them to X. I didn't know this until DS brings me the phone and says "it's dad."

My big mistake was saying "hello." He didn't yell at me or anything, but I got a 30 minute lecture on how to treat a sunburn. As though DS nor I have never had one before. Ummm...isn't this the same guy that used to douse himself with babyoil before going out to the pool? LOL!

I wonder if it is something in your ex's head like ex (you) suggested something, well let me think about it, maybe it is a bad idea, his current partner (GF) suggests something "lets get DD to ride horses" , oh sure let's do it, what a good idea.

Maybe your ex respects his GF's opinion so much even in regards to DD that he thinks if she suggested it must be a good idea, I am not saying it is right, but there might be something into it. Men often operate this way in regards to their new partners.

Po1 YES! Absolutely! My exdh and I were always on the same page when we were married. Being parents isn't what caused our divorce. We never really disagreed when it came to Dd. UNTIL he met now SM. He was a Disney dad at first but it didn't really bother me. Dd wasn't a bad kid back then. (not now either). He only saw her 4 times a month and so he would get her and say 'what shall we do?' they would do FUN things. She was our only child so weekends for both of us were used for DD time because we didn't have a 'family' - we both only had Dd. And we both worked full time. They would go to the park, swimming, movies, home movie night with popcorn and candy, window shopping, bike riding (kind of). But SM came in the picture and told exDH, you don't ask a kid what she wants to do, you tell her what you are going to do. So he did. She didn't like Dd calling him DADDY it's too 'immature' although for years he loved to hear her say daddy.. But he put a stop to it. SM even told me one time, it is nails on a chalk board for me to hear her say, DAAAAADDDYYYY'. I was offended. I think it was just her being a jealous B!/&% and had nothing to do with my Dd or the name daddy.
ExDh just changed into this weirdo all because another woman came in and said, this lifestyle is better.
I remember when we bought our house, exDH was adamant about the colors he wanted to paint the walls in each room. I literally had no say. (this is how he was, kind of controlling over the house since he 'bought' it before we were 'married'). I was young and didn't really assert myself yet. I liked the colors he picked and I worked to incorporate them with the new furnishings we purchased over the years. I thought we had a nice home and that it was nicely decorated. When we divorced, he kept the house. When he met SM he decided to sell the house. But not before he blamed
Me for the color scheme when SM/GF said the colors were awful. He immediately painted the rooms different colors. I saw the house once after he repainted and I thought yuk! But whatever. Then when they sent a pic of them in their living room at SMs house, I realized, they were the same colors. He would never have thought the paint he had picked was awful until his new gf suggested it was. Sometimes men are just that way. Same with the ear piercing thing. He was ok with it when we 'agreed' while we were married to have Dd's ears pierced but NOW the story is, he never approved and I did it without him because SM doesn't like little girls to have their ears pierced.... I wasn't even the one that took her. She wanted them done when she was maybe 4?? And my sister took her because both ex and I were too 'scared' lol but to keep SM from seeing 'more of his bad parenting decisions' he blamed it on me and all of a sudden he would NEVER have let her get her ears pierced.lol
Ugh!
I hope that SM and ex have a baby... And then get divorced. That would be such sweet justice for me because then she will get a taste of the crap I've dealt with for years!! And I could only hope that he remarries the first b!$@% that he encounters and that she makes SM just as miserable... Lol nah I would never wish that on my worst enemy.

myfampg, there is nothing wrong with little girls continuing to call their dad daddy. Now.... my ss is almost 11 and still continues to call dh daddy and bm mommy. I did explain to him that he is getting older and he might want to rethink that and just say mom and dad. Just like the sitting on dh's lap in public. His friends might make fun of him. AND.... he did mention before he left that some of his friends DID make fun of him a little for saying daddy or mommy. It's different for boys/girls. I was just trying to help my ss cause we all know kids can be cruel. It doesn't help though when his mom sends him cards and signs it "mommy".... I think she likes him getting made fun of. When he was with her he always got made fun of at school... even bullied because of the way she dressed him.

I have to say that it isn't just men that change for their new SO. Yes, my son's dad's changed with each new woman. BUT... so did ss bm. With sperm donor he wanted to get to know his son when he was with the woman whom he cheated on me with. (We get along... wierd I know).... then now with mom number 4 who he's been with for about 6 years.... off and on... he wants absolutely NOTHING to do with my son. NOTHING! Obviously there were numerous others in between those two women. Each made him do different things. This current one has a child with him that looks EXACTLY like my son... only a girl and she is one that absolutely REFUSES to believe that my son is his. ds16's dad really has only had the one woman. SM who is 50. He always had tons to do with his parents till she came along. Now he hardly sees them. Which makes me the absolute angel in their eyes. LOL... I'll take it. :)

SS BM NEVER liked sports with ex husband, now all of a sudden she likes new dh's team... which is a completely HUGE rival of ours. She sent ss a shirt when their team beat ours. I just sent it back and when we beat them I sent a weekends worth of our team clothes for him to wear. She has never cared about sports, now all of a sudden she does. Plus she cut out her family for the most part for this new dh. I HATE when people do that.

Ashley.... my ds16's dad called me once to remind me to put sunscreen on him. I about lost it. I ALWAYS make him wear sunscreen. I call him see through cause he's sooooo pale. Plus he's already had bad spots removed from his leg. BUT... when he took him to a race he completely forgot to put it on him. I just couldn't believe he would call me to remind me.

OMG myfam, SM said it is annoying DD calls him DADDY, OMG how rude, my DD not only calls me mommy but also has bunch of silly names she uses with me. Older SD calls her dad daddy and also has some other silly names for him, I would never allow myself to make any comments about it, in fact why would it even bother me. SM is disgusting!

But then again DD's SM is not bad plus DD is grown, but she made some weird comments to me like "DD is so lucky, she can have longer childhood because she is still daddy's little girl" or something of the sort. WTF does that suppose to mean? MY DD lived on her own since the day she graduated high school, worked 2 at times 3 jobs to pay her own bills, her own apartment, she never even lived at home during college breaks because she had to pay her rent, graduated college in 3 years, holds professional job. Yes her dad paid her college tuition but that's what plenty of parents do.

I had to bite my tongue because SM was married at 17, lived with her husband at her mom's house and then met my ex while married, left her DH and moved in with my ex, now she is married to my ex (much older than her), since she's been with ex she didn't work a day (they do have young children) yet she says something about DD?

She also made a comment, that I had a feeling did not mean to be a compliment, that my attachment to DD is not very typical, most mothers and daughters do not have such emotional bond. Again WTF does that mean? Maybe that's meant to be a nice thing, but why would even comment? I don't comment on what bonds SDs have with their mother (which is none by the way but not my business)

The daddy thing is so sad. :-( My mom was very competitive/jealous of me and when I was about nine or ten, she told me it was time to stop calling my father 'daddy.' :-(

That part really made my heart hurt for your DD, myfampg. I am so sorry this cruel woman is in her life. She sounds SO strange. I wonder what her deal is??? I mean, I know you've said she treats DD well in some ways, so what's with all the other crap?

Seriously, it sounds like she would benefit immensely from some therapy herself!

after reading momof3's post, I wanted to comment that soemtimes it could be a positive thing to do things differently with new partners.

My SO fell out of relationship with many of his relatives and friends while married to BM (last 10 bad years of marriage), some of the relatives had huge fights with BM and other big issues etc Since we've been together SO rebuilt relationship with many friends and family. He has some distant family that never met BM, yet in 5 years that I know SO I have met them many many times. Heck i became friends with female distant relative who had never met BM and they were married almost 30 years! SO also never had anyone out of state visiting and now we have people visiting all the time. First of all i constantly encourage SO go visit family and friends and invite them over which BM never did. There are a lot of positive things SO does that he never ever did while married to BM (hobbies, traveling etc).

SDs always say how happy they are he met me because I am such positive influence and dad finally does things that they always wanted him to do. And I know that they are being sincere.

"SM even told me one time, it is nails on a chalk board for me to hear her say, DAAAAADDDYYYY'."

Oh no, sometimes I feel that way too! Not with SS; he is nine now and has (on his own) gone to "Dad" most of the time. He still says "Daddy" sometimes when he's happy and excited ("Daddy's home!") or sad and needs cuddling and love - or when SS is trying to comfort DH if he's sick ("Daddy, I wish you were feeling better.") I think it's sweet and very cute, and suspect the "Daddy"'s are going to be more and more rare - I'll miss hearing it.

When I hear "Daddeeee" and it grates on my nerves is when it's from a 19 year old girl (and it only seems to be the girls who do this), who normally call their fathers "Dad" or such, unless they want something. Then all the sudden it's reverting to "Daddy's Little Princess" role and batting their eyelashes up and whining "But Dadddeeeee....."

Every time I'm out somewhere and witness this I want to scream "Don't do it! Don't give in! If you do you're teaching a young lady that the way to get what she wants is to behave like a helpless child - not as a responsible young adult." It's so strange to me - most people wouldn't dream of giving in to a son of that age if he were whining "Please, Mommy and Daddy...." so why they do it for young ladies I do not know.

(I am not, of course, talking about an eleven year old like myfampg's DD! Nor am I talking about anyone of any age calling their father "Daddy" at other times - hospitalization, weddings, whatever. Just the whining I-want-something princess attitude thing. I had a health scare when I was in my twenties and called my mom first thing - when she answered I said "Mommeee" and started crying. I'm hardly one to judge others on that, LOL!)

well if it is just to get the money LOL then it is annoying (although how do we know it is to get money?), rather than that people could use whatever names for each other, does not bother me, it is kind of between family members. When DD calls me MOM I know she is in a a bad mood lol because she normally uses some crazy variations of mommeee names no it is not just special occasions, it is pretty much always, I have the stupidest names for her too. OSD always has affectionate names for dad, it is different variations of DADDYYY, she always does it. When she wants something she is pretty direct: ok dad we need XYZ LOL

Dd just turned 10 and this was what SM told me when Dd was 6.

'SS BM NEVER liked sports with ex husband, now all of a sudden she likes new dh's team... which is a completely HUGE rival of ours. She sent ss a shirt when their team beat ours. I just sent it back and when we beat them I sent a weekends worth of our team clothes for him to wear. She has never cared about sports, now all of a sudden she does. Plus she cut out her family for the most part for this new dh. I HATE when people do that.'

Momof3 why would you send a shirt back from BM to SS but then send him in a weekend of your teams clothes in return? Off topic but this just grabbed me. That's odd to me almost like playing games?

We do the team rival thing with my brother. It's a joke. We give him gag gifts of our college team and he does the same. He even put a sticker on the back of my car once. Exdh sent Dd a college shirt that is rivals to our fab college. He isn't into sports but it's his home state. She wears it. I dont care. I'm going to allow Dd to pick whatever team she likes. In fact she has multiple college team shirts just because we all went to different colleges. My Dd even got a Harvard shirt once from exDH's brother after He was there for a conference. It's been past down to DS because it wads in good condition. It's ds's fav shirt now lol ironic that its a shirt from exDH's brother... But it doesn't matter. Doesn't fit Dd anymore and it's still in good condition.

I sent it back because ss actually said he'd never wear it at our house. We actually live it the college town. The rivals are HUGE and the kids at school would really get on him about it. He doesn't like that team anyway. It was just like your jokes. She sent that to us to be a brat, I sent it back cause her evil ss is there. He can wear that horrible RED shirt. My ss only wants to wear black and gold. It's better then what my dh wanted to do with it.... he wanted to burn it. If you live where we live, you DO NOT wear red! (There's two diff teams that are our rivals that wear red.... I happen to work for one of them so I have no choice but to wear their symbol. DH says my uniform is NOT allowed in our home... haha!... and it's the other rival.. not bm team)

So he would be made fun of and picked on by kids at your house but who cares if he is picked on and made fun of at bm house.. Just saying.

I do get it. For us it's a joke but you and bm aren't friendly.

myfampg... he'd get picked on and made fun of while wearing it in our town... at school. We live in a college town. You only see people wearing that college stuff. Her "choice" is a HUGE rival. He'd get made fun of at school. He even said so. He didn't WANT to wear it. She lives in the other state. She has bought him our college stuff before... when she was with her ex husband. She changed college teams when she changed husbands. SOOOOOOOOOOOOO annoying and obviously not a TRUE fan. (She didn't watch the sports with ex... just wore the team stuff) She made it a point to tell my dh that she was sending him a shirt because "they" beat us..... when we beat them I sent the clothes for him to wear for one weakend to her house because WE beat "them". He was only there for a weekend. He doesn't go to school there. He only had to go be with her and her new dh and devil kid. They know he likes our team. It's a whole different world for a kid getting made fun of at school and getting to go spend a simple weekend at bm's.

I understand being sports fan, but playing such games with one's ex is kind of childish. I live in a state with huge college rivals and work for a school district, NEVER EVER anyone gets beat up for wearing wrong college shirt (in no districts I ever worked at). what kind of school this kid goes to???? I don't even know why is it annoying what colleges she supports, i can't care less what my ex, let alone someone else's ex likes.

Seems like playing games like this only causes problems. If a kid didn't want to wear a shirt at school, I still would not send it back along with my college shirts. It is just childish and makes you look immature.

ok, so next time PO1, I'll just let dh burn the shirt. That'll probably make bm much happier. The kid goes to a GREAT school with 90% ISTEP scores and it's a four star school. Kids are kids, they make comments to one another. He doesn't want to be the kid wearing that shirt at school.

You want to talk about childish... how about the way you nit pick at EVERYTHING anyone on here says and turn it around to make you look like you are much more mature then everyone else. I believe someone called you a cyber bully at one time. I'm holding you to that. I'm sick of having to defend myself. I'm sure you've NEVER done anything just out of spite for someone. Little miss perfect.

momof3, some of your actions come across as immature. if it wouldn't concern kids, i wouldn't care but when kids are involved i think it is to your benefit to listen to advice. and i am not the only one who pointed it out on several occasions. you have 4 kids at home and they are looking up to you, i just think they might assume that such actions are appropriate.

you don't have to defend yourself at all, I shouldn't be your concern at all, you are free to live your life the way you see fit no matter what I think. but when we deal with children we have to think twice about our actions.

to answer your question, no i never did anything out of spine for neither mine nor anyone else's ex, sure i probably wanted to many times, but i don't believe it is beneficial for my child or anyoene else's children. so no i didn't.

I guess I would have burned it. Or stuck it in a drawer.

I change teams. I'm not die hard for sports. I prefer ballets and musicals to a specific team. My husband and his family are huge college fans. I really wasn't until I met him. I didn't go to a college with a sports team, we had a mascot but you would never see it with the NCAA teams at a local store. I am more for the underdog team anyway. The team that never wins, someone has to root for them. But after a few years in this family, I was either going to convert or get left at the curb. I like it though. I feel part of something by being a part of the big group on game day. I only enjoy the food and the company not so much the politics of college football or the championship. But I support my husband and his almamateur... And if my son is going there, I gotta get used to the colors... Which by the way are red... Lol nothing wrong with switching teams. We live smack-dab in the middle of NFL country and I hate our states team... I don't have a team I follow. It's whoever is beating them that I root for.

sometimes people get gifts that they cannot or wouldn't use for whatever reasons. there are many things you could do with that item rather than sending it back (unless gift giver specifically says he/she is OK with it and is going to exchange or give it to someone else). for example if you can't wear it, you could donate it. some homeless child would not care what team the shirt represents.

Between me and SO and 3 kids we attended 10 colleges (counting undergrad and graduate schools and PhD for one person) we have shirts, blankets, mugs or caps representing different schools up to our neck LOL and YSD got OSD's new baby her colleges's item made for babies LOL

You know what.... I didn't say "take this back"... I put it in his bag.... it never came back. So I assume ss told her he wasn't going to wear it. Her dh evil kid can wear it. Isn't it better he has it then to burn it? Seriously! I'm far from immature po1.... and you retaliating after being called a cyber bully is just as much so. Personally id be totally embarrassed to be this teams fan.... they got caught in a huge no no this year, fired a coach and had to forfit all games from 2010. They are rude and obnoxious people and anytime you come in contact with their fans it makes you hate them even more. Bm was only only with her dh for like 6 months when she did this anyway. Its totally annoying when she changes everything she is to make new man happy. I'm sure the relationship will work out brilliantly since she becomes the person new dh wants. I really would prefer that man have no influence on ss what so ever.... including teams. He is raising a devil with no consequences and left a daughter for bm.

To prove point about devil kid.... ss xbox was taken from bm home this summer. They found it at devil kids friends house. No discipline given to either child. Yep... that's exactly what I want ss to become. Ugh!

LOL momof3, I didn't say you are immature, I said your actions sometimes are, and many point it out to you not just me. You actions are often immature in real life in dealing with children and exes. People just give you suggestions what could be done differently in confrontational situation you end up in real life. I also think that maybe to protect your own sanity it is better to not let exes to take so much space in your head, would you be able to address it in court, therapist, school, work anywhere in real life that you don't like what team your DH's ex supports. People would laugh. But that's your life.

Momof3- I see what you mean by 'sending it back in his bag'. He can wear it at BMs house where it would get worn instead of sitting on a drawer at your house. I also get that SS doesnt want to wear it - my Dd has some clothes she doesn't want to wear to school because they aren't 'cool'. My interpretation of your post was that you sent it back to say 'your team sucks BM and then sent SS with a weekend of clothes with only your team, saying 'ha! You sent your shirt first now I am sending my shirt to throw in your face'. Not sure why ss11 still packs a bag but you've mentioned before bm does not provide clothes for him. Odd she can provide a team shirt which likely as most team clothing is more expensive than an entire outfit from target or jc Penney/Khols.
But I do see what you mean, however maybe sending the weekend clothes was the 'immature' part. That was my first thought. Playing the back and forth with BM on team clothes.

I don't think PO1 is a cyber bully. She has disagreed with me on things before but I didn't feel bullied. Po1 and I actually agree on more and recently many have noted that they are breaking records in agreeing with PO1. It's an Internet forum. People have different points of view. I know that's why I seeked advice from an Internet forum was to gain a second opinion/different point of view. Many have pointed things out to me. I might not have liked it but I actually have implemented many suggestions from this forum and it actually has changed things for me. You do tend to get defensive with PO1 and she was saying the same thing I was saying. We were in agreeance yet you weren't defensive at all with me, you explained your side and what you meant but got all upset with PO1. Maybe she said it differently. Maybe she was more blunt. I don't know but I hope maybe I can shed some insight here to fix this little bump. I consider our little group my favorite past time here. Even if we disagree sometimes. After all, isn't it why we are here??

Absolutely correct myfampg, sure I am blunt. But I have common sense, here and in real life. Most people on this forum have common sense, doesn't matter if we agree or not.

Po1 you remind me of my favorite Aunt. She is an 'adoptive' aunt -- childhood friend's custodial Aunt, although I have kept in touch with her into my adult life. She often gives me advice often through email and your writings just remind me of her. she is quite blunt so I'm very used to it. Lol and I don't get offended.

Ok... here's the thing.

PO1, when you say "I have common sense, here and in real life" it may sound to others that the (unspoken words) you are saying are "and you don't".

Also, when you say: "would you be able to address it in court, therapist, school, work anywhere in real life that you don't like what team your DH's ex supports. People would laugh. But that's your life."

It sounds like you are mocking the other person, saying that their comments are invalid and worthy of laughter.

That may not be what you meant, but I think you can understand that other people may take it like that. Where there is no non-verbal cues things can get tricky.

How old is Mom3 again? I believe you're in your mid-20's?

Take a step back everyone. A BIG step back for some of you. I'm 10 years older than Mom3. In that time I've been divorced, moved thousands of miles, worked at different jobs, had a whole bunch of stuff happen to me, gained experiences and realized I was immature a lot. I'm sure someone who is 45 and reading this will say... BWAHHAHAHAHA you think YOU'VE been through it from 25 to 35... I was so immature at 35... but in the last 10 years...

Being 45-50 years old and calling someone who is 25 immature is immature. It's shooting fish in a barrel and it accomplishes NOTHING except to get the 25 year old defensive. Because really, what else can they do? Just trying to live life and do the best they can.

And, it's all pretty fricking easy in retrospect. Sure, I divorced my husband and it was nasty and now it's actually pretty good with very few bumps so I could la-di-dah about how great I'm doing as a divorced mother but the truth is at 25 I was going CRAZY and probably acted a bit crazy and immature and I'm ashamed and sorry for things I did but you know what? If I hadn't done them I wouldn't be so knowledgeable today.

So Mom3, take it all with a grain of salt. A lot of the women here are old enough to be (or already are) grandmas. Their kids are raised. It's all simpler and easier in retrospect.

Very well Silver - I agree. I was a nut case at 25. That is when I was going through my divorce and I was ALWAYS accused of being immature. It does make a person more defensive.
Also. I really think momof3 is older. Isn't her oldest 16? Gosh I can't remember. Momof4 and momof3 get me all confused. Lol sorry! I'm so sorry momof3!

This is why I hate email. Because you cannot read a person's tone. and I have been very defensive at times so I can understand.

oh we were all in 20s at some point, and were crazy, heck I was nuts and wished someone told me don't do XYZ then (there was no Internet forum then). heck I was nuts in my 30s too. in some areas of my life I am still nuts and useless (bad with finances for example)

BTW momof3 can't be in mid 20s, if one of her kids I think (might be wrong) 16 or so? she can't possibly be that young! or like myfam i am confusing momof4? haha

and age has nothing to do with anything, plenty of people make immature decisions at any age! i don't think anyone is immature, just some actions are. i personally think sending unwanted gifts back or getting into facebook fights or phone arguments with ex's family etc etc is not very mature hence I suggested different course of action (donate a shirt, block the phone calls etc). she is welcome not listen, take it or leave it. but age has nothing to do with anything.

I didn't need an internet forum to tell me not to do things in my 20's, I had plenty of people IRL to tell me what to do.

Age may not have everything to do with maturity, but most people can't help get a little wiser the more years they have behind them.

Facebook fights may seem immature now, but they're just as phone fights were when I was younger, or letter writing fights prior to that. It's just a new medium, and people all have to find out for themselves what works and what doesn't.

Saying someone is welcome not to listen is fine, and it sure is easier than looking at yourself and making changes in approach. There are many ways to give advice, being uber-blunt to the point of making someone not want to pay attention to ANYTHING you say is one way. If that's effective, by all means, continue.

I think a sign of maturity is honing communication skills so that your message can be received easily by those with whom you are communicating. Calling someone names or pointing out what you think are their weak spots is not going to make most people jump up and acknowledge your insight. Most people will recoil because, let's face it, it hurts. Right or not, it still stings.

You could tell a woman she looks fat in that dress, and if it's true or not it's still not the best way to get the message across, especially if her purpose of initiating communication is to ask for help. No right or wrong way to do things, just ways that are more effective. Of course, if all someone cares about is being right, it really doesn't matter how you communicate. The other person can just take it or leave it. Right?

"You could tell a woman she looks fat in that dress, and if it's true or not it's still not the best way to get the message across, especially if her purpose of initiating communication is to ask for help. No right or wrong way to do things, just ways that are more effective. Of course, if all someone cares about is being right, it really doesn't matter how you communicate. The other person can just take it or leave it. Right?"

Excellent analogy, silversword. Furthermore, whether or not a woman "looks fat in that dress" is, as with most things in life, usually an opinion and not a fact. Someone who thinks Kate Middleton has the ideal feminine shape is likely to think that Beyonce looks fat in pretty much anything she wears, while others may feel that Kate looks anorexic in her dress. Neither is more nor less "right" than the other; they just have differing opinions.

I often get comments intended to invalidate my opinions (or maybe to offend), =often from you silvers, i don't really care because my opinions are valid and make sense, but it is what it is. so not everybody is so thoughtful...

"easy to say in retrospect"-no not easy but because i already experienced that i give suggestions on what might work, nothing easy, it invalidates my struggles as a parent/exwife etc

"you don't know because your DD is adult"-she was not born an adult was she? it invalidates my experience of raising her

"you are not a real SM'-I am actively involved in SKs lives and deal with day to day juggle of blended family, who is to decide what's real? it invalidates my daily sometimes annoying sometimes positive expreinces of dealing with SO's adult kids

"you don't know about custody agreements, visitations blah blah because DD is adult"-she was not an adult always, i was in a midst of CS/visitations/SMs/ex's crap for YEARS etc for years and it is just recently ended (or did it? my DD is at dads now for a week vacations i just got off the phone with ex over some stuff he thinks DD should be doing LOL -topic for a different post)-it validates my experiences dealing with raising children in divorced families

"your DD does not have SM and you don't have to deal with it,so you don't know"-wrong, my DD always had/has a SM since she was 9, she only didn't have a SM from 4 to 9 when ex was single. true she didn't have a crappy SM but it does not make my opinions or dealings with SM invalid

none of this bothers me (with few occasions ha), but no not everyone is very considerate and respectful

yes what we express here are just opinions, mine could be right or could be wrong, we are agreeing or disagreeing, using it in real life or not. I never say my opinion is right, it is just that, opinion. If people don't want to hear opinions, they don't post here.

Thank you very much silversword. I am 32. I do have a 16 year old son.

How many of you have 3 other bio parents to deal with? It's not exactly ideal. I had my first son at 16. His dad and I still for the most part get along ok. We have moments as do most ex's. My moments are more with his wife then with him. I try VERY hard to not let her get to me. I for the most part brush her off. That's easier with her because they pick my son up, they pay their support. The only thing I have issues with them is not including my son more or acknowledging him on holidays/birthdays.

I NEVER expected to have a second bd to put up with. When I got pregnant with my ds11 I honestly thought we were a good match. I expected to marry him as soon as I finished my degree. Before I finished though, he had another girl pregnant. I realize that I shouldn't have gotten pregnant before marriage yet again but it happened and I myself have taken FULL responsibility for that child. I am NOT one to put up with cheating. I booted him from the moment I found out about it. He and his family have given me nothing but grief since then. He was given three chances to have a dna test and no showed every time. So the court "defaulted" him as the father and he has all the responsibility. I tried giving him rights, he didn't want them. I've sent pictures trying to get him to acknowledge the child. All I ever get is grief from his family when he gets arrested for nonsupport. They initiate all contact with me. I WILL NOT speak to them on the phone. I call with the phone number blocked knowing I will get voice mail. That is to simply give them a simple message.... like I will fight for the support not to be $0. His sisters and family post things about ME on fb... I then ask them to remove the post. They are cruel to me. I do NOT start these fights. I simply defend myself. I have gone as far as to file a police report. Which means I shouldn't have any more problems as far as them contacting me. I HAVE to by law contact him if something is wrong with my child. I have done that. My dh is trying to adopt him which will end current support. It CANNOT end until the day the adoption is final. I CANNOT forgive any arrearages. I have been told by about 5 lawyers, a prosecutor and the Title IV D office. He will always owe and they will always proceed with trying to get him to pay it. I don't think he should just "get off" for responsibility of my son because he chose that child to "get rid of"....

SS BM..... My dh made a HUGE mistake going home from a bar one night with her. She's a horrible horrible mother. Her own mother has told her these things. (She actually told my dh this)... From day one of me meeting my dh we have had to do way more parenting then she ever has. He was 6 months old when they went to court to establish paternity/support/visitation. She gave my dh EVERY weekend and EVERY Wed. Sounds like she's just a nice person, right?..... We always ended up getting calls to "just keep" the kid till the next ending time. He as a baby hung on to me and would scream not wanting to go back to bm. He called me "mama" at 9 months old because we had him more then she did. I tought him to call me my name for fear of her drama. She would call and tell my dh that ss wouldn't have food or diapers if he didn't pay for this or that... on top of child support. We have always paid for the insurance. I even had it on him before marriage as a domestic partner/dependent. She would always be out partying when we had ss... which is the reason why we had him all the time. I understand partying while your child is away but don't send your baby away EVERY weekend. My ss became very whiny. He cried ALL the time.... I believe it was because he was confused. He was hardest to potty train, he was sick for a good 2 years. I would get him "better", he'd go home and come back sick again. He had RSV and she sent him to us and said "it's just a little cough"... we took him to ER and he was admitted. He could've died had he stayed in her care. There were so many reasons my dh could've gotten custody but he was scared to make her mad. Scared she'd take time away. And I'm sure she would have. She was with her exdh for 10 years. She just got divorced Feb 2010, got remarried March 2011 to the new man she dumped ss for. She gave him to us to move there.

All this time she's been VERY difficult to work with. We always bought him numerous clothes, paid for sports, paid for whatever. Since we got him she's now almost 2 MONTHS (not weeks) behind on support, has only bought him 2 shirts.... well that she sent home with him. She sends him toys or giftcards to him directly when she feels guilty for cancelling visits. (That doesn't help us)She hasn't paid for one sport or equipment. She's getting off by NOT paying $56 per week. We still have the insurance. We've started braces on him that she didn't want. His mouth is a mess... but so is hers. We've filled 5 cavities, gone to the dr for asthma... which he's had she just never fixed it, side pains (from her anxiety).... got him help for bed wetting (which she threw a drunkin fit over). She's just VERY VERY difficult to work with.

I've lived in my new town for 5 years. I've been "out" twice. 2 times!! That's it. We don't do much that doesn't include our children. I take care of 4 children, 3 of which should get assistance from other's who want the "title" of parent but don't act like it. I'm sorry if it consumes a lot of my head. I may say on here how things went a little diffrent. Like the shirt thing. I didn't tell bm that I hated the shirt and tell her to keep it. I just put it in the bag and it never came back. That's hardly immature. SS LIKES wearing the black and gold college gear and most of his clothes are just that. I have to pack a bag for him because she doesn't have clothes for him. I'd love to pack nothing but socks and underware but I don't do that. My ds16 still packs a bag. I haven't actually spoken to bm since August of last year. The last time I spoke with her my ss had taken my ds8's shoe with him on accident and I asked that she send it back. She threw a massive fit and said no more communication between us. FINE!! I was communicating with her regarding MY CHILD because he needed his shoe but FINE.... I don't speak to her. She's since tried to speak to me and tells my dh to tell me things but I'm not speaking to her. Not because of immaturity.... because she told me not to. So be it. She hasn't actually spoken or texted my dh since she got ss at the end of June. My dh has texted her to have ss call her every Sunday. He then does. I haven't actually spoken to bd of ds16 for well, since Feb I believe. My ds talks to him and they make plans. I'm ok with whatever they usually decide. Ds16 is a teenager now and the "regular" visits aren't the same anymore.

Also.... I freak out about ss bm NOT paying ontime because I've gone that route with my ds11.... WAY BEFORE my dh decided to adopt him. Once they know they can get away without paying ontime it becomes a habit. Especially due to the fact she married someone just like ds11 bd. That scares me to death! She needs to continue to help out with ss. It's not fair to my children that I have to ALWAYS provide for him over them. I do most of the providing for my ds16... YES, dh does provide for ds11 but because he has chosen too. If bm suddenly disappeared (which honestly, yes, I'd be all for) I'd take over for ss. I DO love him like my own.... I am just sick of her sugar coating her leaving him and NOT providing for him yet wanting to be his "mommy".

And YES, PO1, you could be MUCH nicer with the way you state things. I feel like you attack EVERYTHING I do or say on here. I have tons of responsibility. Being immature is hardly acceptable. I actually work two jobs at the moment, keep a NICE clean house and take all the children to multiple activities. All without having much time for myself. If any of these three children had only that other parent, I really believe that their lives would be so much worse. I try very very hard.... I just don't get anywhere with the "others".

PO1, aside from the fact that your quotations ARE NOT verbatim what I said and are colored by your opinions of them, your statement that:

I often get comments intended to invalidate my opinions (or maybe to offend), =often from you silvers, i don't really care because my opinions are valid and make sense, but it is what it is. so not everybody is so thoughtful...

First of all, I'm not trying to invalidate your opinions. That's your opinion. I'm simply stating that what they are is OPINION. Not fact. You may think your opinions make sense, but again, that's just an opinion. Yes, you're entitled to them. And sometimes I agree with them. :)

You have taken me out of context and posted your interpretation of my words as fact. That's an egregious interpretation of the truth.

I'll just take the first one, and leave it at that. You wrote:

"easy to say in retrospect"-no not easy but because i already experienced that i give suggestions on what might work, nothing easy, it invalidates my struggles as a parent/exwife etc

Yes, I did say, and I quote myself directly: "And, it's all pretty fricking easy in retrospect. Sure, I divorced my husband and it was nasty and now it's actually pretty good with very few bumps so I could la-di-dah about how great I'm doing as a divorced mother but the truth is at 25 I was going CRAZY and probably acted a bit crazy and immature and I'm ashamed and sorry for things I did but you know what? If I hadn't done them I wouldn't be so knowledgeable today."

I don't understand WHERE you got from that any indication that I was invalidating PO1's experiences. I was talking about myself, and I think I made that PERFECTLY CLEAR by saying "I" repeatedly and by bringing up MY own experiences.

It's not all about you PO1.

quotes were not from the last post silvers but just things you said to me over time, (and yes in the past you said directly to me that it is easy for me to say in retrospect or that I don't know because DD is adult or doesn't have SM even though i explained many times it is not the case). sure I am blunt and could say things less directly but some of your comments in the past were directed exactly at me (not general comments) and were as unpleasant even if said with much sweeter tone of voice than my blunt comments LOL, but they are as unpleasant (if not more)to their recipients, so no one is perfect here

Mom of 3, i missed your post, yeah you right i could be nicer to you, my apologies. don't have to agree but sure could be nicer to you. by the way i did not realize you are that young, i don't know how you do it with 4 BOYS, my...it is tough.

"quotes were not from the last post silvers but just things you said to me over time,"

Not true. You are posing those quotes as if they are direct quotes from me, which they are not, and then you are taking offense. Anything taken out of context like that can be seen as a slam.

I've explained over and over and over again that I did not say you are not a "real" SM in the context in which you are insinuating yet you continue to beat the horse.

What I actually said was that you and I both are not SM's in the same sense that many are here. Which is true. It doesn't mean we aren't REAL it just means we are not hands-on, day-to-day PARENTS to CHILDREN who are not biologically ours.

I stand by that statement. I don't think it's mean or rude or out of line. It's *my* opinion.

I'm not claiming to be perfect, and if someone says I've hurt them or feels I was rude to them I apologize. I think if someone is interested in dragging up old posts they will find I apologized multiple times if you took offense to the "real" statement and explained my rational as many times as well.

Instead of graciously moving on, you have pulled that statement into multiple threads and held it in front of me accusingly as if I had never acknowledged it. I have. Over and over. And I will say it again.

I'm sorry you interpreted my comment as saying you're not a *real* stepmother. I did not intend it like that, what I meant was that you, like me, are not and have not actively been in the role of mothering on a day-to-day basis, children who are not biologically ours.

And yes, I do direct my comments directly to you on occasion. I think you could do well to respond to them rather than make personal things I have said in general. It sure would make things less complicated.

Thank you PO1. It's tough but I love them. At this point it's too quiet without all the chaos. (From the boys... not the "others" LOL!)

silvers at this point you are the one who is not graciously moving on, everyone else moved on already...

momof3, it is hard but it must be fun with full house. I always wanted many kids. My ex has 4 kids and when DD is there it is hard to even hear anything on the phone from the noise everyone makes. LOL

Well, I will admit. I never wanted any before I had my first. Then with him so young I only wanted just him. They just kept coming. LOL!! I met my dh at 22 and we married 4 days before I turned 23. So by 22 I basically had 3. We wanted to have one together and didn't want him spaced to far out. We had him 11 months after we married.... (the right way.. woohooo!!, LOL!) So I had all 4 of them by 23. I probably wouldn't know what life is like without the chaos.

oh i didn't realize one of your kids is together with your DH, that's neat

Yep, another PO1 hit-n-run... you sling the mud, then stand back with a surprised look on your face.

silvers, relax, momof3 pointed out that I am not being nice to her and I could do better, I totally agree and I apologized TO HER, she accepted, we moved on. drama is over, let it go. move on

You seem to be missing a step PO.

1. I point out (fairly gently, I think) that your words may be taken a little harsher than you intend.
2. You attack me and accuse me of things I never said
3. Mom3 says thanks because she did feel you were unkind
4. You apologize to her

Good job. I'm glad you apologized to her.

It still stands that you're misquoting me. This has happened over and over about the "real" stepmother comment.

It is you who needs to let that go. I've apologized and clarified, and every post (I can get citations) you bring it up on I clarify again, and then you tell me to relax.

I am just really tired of you maligning my words PO, and until you cop to your egregious statements, no, I'm not going to let it go this time. Enough.

So how about that parallel parenting?

Welll.... since you ask....

I've had to remove myself a bit from DD's summer yet again because my mother is there with her too (and is STAYING in my X's house) and is taking DD with her all around the state to stay with people (who, I don't know) and of course, of X letting DD ride sans head protection. To say nothing of the fact that I asked him last summer for a math tutor and this summer for a math tutor and he supposedly got one this summer who, alas, fell through.

Yep. There is only one math tutor in the whole state. Gotcha.

DD was telling me yesterday that she went on a sleepover when she was with Grandma and I nearly passed out. WHERE is she sleeping? And with whom?

Thankfully when I casually asked her she mentioned a name, which led me to ask if the parents were _________ & __________ and she said yes... so I've known the family for 25 years. No big deal. But it's really scary.

And it's really hard to detach and to trust that everyone else has my child's best interests at heart.

Oh Silver! Wow! That's like my exdhSMexDh sleepover thing. Wow!! I'm SO sorry! I know how you feel though! Let's go drink!

Im sorry ... I am a little confused YOUR mom is with your ex.

and I really dont think the parallel parenting thing would work for me... I dont care who is in charge but I should know where my kid is ... I would hate to not be able to answer where she was if something ever happened... ya know??

btw... I have rode horses bareback and standing up without a helmet... courtesy of my dad. Dangerous maybe but really some of the most exciting parts of my childhood were probably dangerous in retrospect.

Momof4 -- I absolutely agree with you! I hate this. However parallel parenting for me is not a choice. I am not privilege to my child's whereabouts. Yes I have a court order giving me the rights to know but I'm denied. I have been to court countless times to enforce orders and there really has been no consequence. The judge talks and talks about what is right and what is wrong and how the child feels blah blah

I think it's easier for me to be on the 'outside' when I acknowledge that the best thing is to parallel parent and let go of the 'control' of being mom. I use control loosely. I don't mean controlling anyone's life just the part about being 'the' mom, I have to block out things from my thoughts. Etc.

But I know what you are saying. I hate not ever knowing where my daughter is when she is with her dad.

Ya Mom4, you're not the only one who's confused :) DD goes cross-country for the summers with her dad, and my dad, and a lot of family. My mother is currently in my home state, visiting. She no longer lives there and lives across the country (within 8 hours of me). She decided that she was going while DD was there. FINE, except that cuts into DD's time with the people there who haven't seen her since spring break.

Grandma saw DD less than a month ago, here. Anyway, I found out through the grapevine that when she goes there, she will be staying with X in our old family home. Which she is. Right now. For a week.

And X is letting her take DD all around the state. My mom is a GOOD grandma. And DD loves her. But it's still weird. When we divorced my mom was all over him worse than I was (I believe feeding him some of his own mountain oysters was mentioned more than once). My mom is like a mama bear where I'm concerned... except that she really does have mental/emotional issues and twists just about anything for her benefit. My mom is a really smart, funny, amazing woman who happens to be an emotional vampire. I don't hate her, (most of the time) I just can't be around her at this point in my life.

Anyway. She has a TON of friends, and they are all good people. Known them my entire life. DD's having a good time. I TRUST my mother to keep my DD safe. And I think they are mentally separate enough that she's not going to mess with DD like she did with me when I was a kid.

I can't help but feel a bit betrayed though.

******************
As to dangerous things, I too grew up doing very dangerous things. But, as a mother, when you see a picture of your daughter doing dangerous things and you aren't there to make sure the horse is a good one or the rocks are only a little slippery or the current is reasonably strong or or or... the fear goes up a bit. And when I get scared, I get angry. I think it's a pretty natural emotive progression. :)

So, just as DD's father doesn't know who she stays with here I don't know there. It's just the way it is with divorced parents I guess. There will be times that you just have to hope the person you had a child with is as invested in them being safe as you.

Thanks for the offer Myfam... a nice cold one with a friend would be really nice.

I stayed in my ex's and SM's house when visiting hometown, so it would not be a big deal for my mom staying. My ex is offended if I am not staying there. When my family goes to hometown they are not staying in ex's house as sleeping there, they have other arrangements, but they always visit him and ex in-laws, do stuff etc And it is not even when DD visits there, so it is separate relationship from DD. During our short marriage my mom and his became friends, so my brother and my ex so it continues. I understand it is unusual relationship but think it is not a big deal.

Haha! If my parents and ex's parents EVER were in the same room, I'm thinking it would be a world war... There is NO way. However, with sm.. Apparently her relationship with ex and family is so great they include my Dd.....

I am really annoyed today. So much that I'm sending my family off to the lake and I am crawling up on the couch and watching lifetime. PMS...
Dd told me that SM screams her name to wake her up at 6am even on weekends. Wtf? Well Dd came home last night and today she slept until 10am. Ok so I am the 'bad' parent. I am the bm that everyone complains about. I am laid back I let my kids sleep in and according to Dd I don't serve green beans in a LONG time. Then Dd tells me they ignore her when she talks. How AWFUL! She says she tries to talk to sm about 'things' like what is SM doing, what is she making/can I help, what is SM's favorite color and SM just flat out ignores her and then says ' you ask too many questions' ugh!! I feel awful for my Dd. She says it's lonely there. She says that stepsister was gone and so she had no one to talk to. She says she wishes she could have gone with stepsister and exmyfamsmexdh because they are nice to her. So maybe this guy is doing me a favor by being good to my Dd.