I completely understand your position! Mine is somewhat similar although I'm not ready to throw in the towel yet. I've actually signed myself up for professional counseling and plan on taking DH in the future (after I have myself established and assertive). Have you considered family therapy through a professional? It sounds like the dad is in denial and needs reigned in. (Just like mine!)

I have been there, done that. I have a daughter from my first marriage (now 23). When my husband and I were married only a year and my daughter was 9, his two sons came to live with us, they were 6 and 7. I had met them once before. They lived out of state. Long story, but hubby got temporary emergency custody and permanent custody after a year-long battle. The boys had severe behavior problems because of abuse they had suffered by biomom's boyfriend. I was hard on them because I had to be, but made no difference between them and my daughter. Because of the limitations I set, they both hate me now due to biomom's influence. The youngest is 17 and lives with her, oldest is 18 and lives with his girlfriend and her parents. That's one reason we're on the outs with him right now, because we don't condone premarital sex, spending the night of in motel rooms and living with your girlfriend and her parents (he left college and moved in with them).

My husband has always worked 3rd shift and has a job where it's difficult for him to take off. He grew up in a very abusive household and has no clue how to be a father. 99.9% of the time, I felt like (and was) a single parent. I went to all school and sports activities, many times alone.

If I had it to do over again, I would probably do it, simply because I couldn't have left those two kids in the situation they were in or sat by and watched them go to foster care. I have a lot of regrets and a ton of resentment, mainly towards my hubby and biomom. This has caused real problems between my husband and I.

My advice would be to go to counseling. If your husband won't go, go by yourself. Also, take care of YOU. Don't give all you have to the kids and your husband. Do something nice for yourself whenever you can, even if it's just to take a bubble bath. If you ever need to talk, I'm here to listen. I know firsthand how difficult all of this can be.

Really, your problem isn't your stepdaughter, it's your husband.

He's rewarding his daughter for starting trouble with you.

This situation calls for 2 adult people on the same team raising a child.

What you have is 1 adult & 1 child beating up on 1 frazzled adult.

How you can get it done I don't know, "counselling" is so iffy & so drawn-out, but you & hubs have to dismantle the reward system/partnership between him & his daughter & re-construct the one between you & him.

I wish you the best.

Gracie-

Sorry you have to go through this so early on in your relationship.... but I suppose that's when we all work out the kinks of team work with our partners.

One thing that I have found both with my husband as well as his former spouse, is that since they had neglected their children so much during their married years (they were busy battling), once the divorce came along, they tried to "win" their love by letting them run free. The children had very little structure, and very little consistency in the rules with either bio-parent. When I would discipline, my husband would jump to their defense... and I can't tell you the sense of loneliness and betrayal I would feel! (I remember being so stunned that he would listen to them over what I, the adult element in the equation, said)

Two things happened that I think changed where we are today. The first thing is, believe it or not, my husband was going to therapy with his ex for parallel parenting issues (yep, we are not so much a blended family!) where he realized how vulnerable he felt towards the whole situation; that realization gave him the confidence to be the parent, and not just the adult in the relationship with the kids, he needed to be... thus setting boundaries for them (you should have seen how much happier they became). The second was my determination to be consistent with them; any parenting book/therapist/resource will tell you how those boundaries are what make our children happy. I came up with infinite game plans until I found one that fit both my husband and myself.

I relate to the honeymoon times alternated by the rough times. I had the same issue. My husband and I talked about it at length; I even brought up how he would become mean and put me down in front of the children.... and it wasn't until one day I broke down in front of all of them, that he genuinely realized how much HE was hurting me. The children were just being kids: their parents had given them all the power in the world over them and over anybody else in their world. When their father reclaimed his role as a parent since that memorable car ride, their life has only changed for the better. Mine? Oh, I can't even tell you how much easier it became........

I think talking to your husband when your step-daughter isn't around might be best. It'll give you temporal and physical space to talk things out; but as Sylvia said, you have to be on the same page... if not, the same issues will come up with the next child. But have faith that every new couple parenting together goes through this, and if they are able to stick with it, they overcome it.

I wish you all the best, and I hope to hear from you soon with an update.

Gracie,
I love that name!

Not much help here, just to say that puppies are so cute. Have you ever watched the Whisperer? It's just amazing what some people will allow their dogs to do. It isn't that the owners want their dog to be crazy (sort of like the inmates running the prison), it's just that they don't understand what their dog needs and what it doesn't need.

I had a brother that was just adorable. He did the funniest things and you couldn't help but just love being around him. He didn't want to wear underpants. When we asked him why, he said "Cowboys don't wear underpants". He was just always saying something so funny -- not to be cute, he just was. I was jealous of all the attention he got. When he got a little older and could be included in some of the fun us kids used to have, I made sure he wasn't welcome. God, do I regret that! Truthfully, I look back and wonder why my parents let me be that way!
Cheers

The child is only 5 - five year olds can not be manipulative, deceptive, or conniving. Two years ago she was probably still in diapers. I have yet to meet a five year old who could clean up her room independently - you are lucky if they can pick up all the contents of a bucket of Duplo. All five year olds think they are the center of the universe. She is in Piaget's "pre-operational" stage of development, which is characterized by egocentrism. A good description of this stage is at:
http://www.drspock.com/article/0,1510,3901,00.html

I was wondering if I was the only one who thought that a small child wouldn't be able to clean her room. Sounds like you are the jealous one to me.

She is not wrong for feeling how she feels.Yet,maybe has slightly too high expectations. My own daughter is 8 and it is still a constant battle with the clean room thing.
I can see how thinking the "I'm a princess and so cute"thing would be annoying.Maybe tell her something like,"Yes,you are,honey.But looks are not the most important thing.It's what's inside that counts." And say this everytime...
I do agree that this is mostly your husband's fault too though.He shouldnt be putting you down or "over-riding" you in front of her.She may be 5,but most kids can see and learn what to do by what their parents do.If she sees daddy treating you this way,she thinks it's ok too.
I would try for the therapy...I'm not a therapy freak,but it is worth a try.
I think it is most certainly not your fault that you resent her when you are being left to be pretty much her own caregiver.You obviously need time to yourself.Husband needs to allow you that time to get out and be a person and not just his nanny.
The merging of two families is never easy (kind makes ya hate the brady bunch even more,huh?) But having someone just throw their kid at you and say,"Go ahead" is even harder.
And dirtdivarocks~that was really uncalled for and not very nice.If you dont have anything helpful or useful to say,you shouldnt say anything.

No one is wrong for how they feel. Sometimes it's very helpful to look at yourself. Isn't that what therapy does? Once you acknowledge how you are feeling, then you can fix the problem. I stand by what I said.

Gracie,
You are able to see through some of what has been happening, but I believe you need to find a way to handle your resentment. Remember that this is a little girl that beneath all the energy she has to put forth to entertain the way she is expected, there is a child that is just a child. I have never, ever seen a five year old clean their bedroom completely -- or complete anything.

Your kind of resentment and complaints to your husband will be noticed and digested by this little girl, and you will be setting yourself up for bigger problems in the near future and perhaps for a very, very long time.

No doubt the little girl will prefer her daddy because she knows he is her advocate. Don't put yourself in the kind of situation where you project yourself as the outsider.

Gracie,
If i can suggest one thing from all the experience I have gained as a stepmom in the last 18 years is the following.

Don't give up on your mariage. Nobody said it would be easy. If it weren't the difficulties with your stepdaughter (SD) it would be something else, believe me. Granted having a SD, no matter the age, is difficult. In addition to raising a five year old, you also have a brand new little baby to take care of.

You know, I do believe that five years olds can be manipulative and although DH has not always been there for me when I had difficulties with his children, he did often remind me of one good point and this is that I was the adult and she, the stepdaughther I was having problems with, was a child. It helps to put things in perspective ad makes you think that right now this child counts on you and needs you and all you can do is do your best as a stepmom to this child who is your daughter's step sister. I know it is not easy but you yourself will feel better as a woman, a mom and a wife knowing that you have done your best for this child. Read everything you can on being a steparent. This forum is extraordinary.

Divorced daddies all seem to be the same after a while. They'll do anything and everything to protect their child against the stepmom. It doesn't mean dear husband don't love us but rather that they feel stuck (not sure that is the right word) between their children and their wife who is not the mother of their children. I've talked 100's of time to my husband about the difficulties I had with his oldest daughter. I'm always wrong according to him, until he sees for himself that his daughter is not such a goodie-goodie after all. Then he'll tell me something like ya your right -she is acting a little bit spoiled or whatever.

This being said, sometimes when I disagree with dear hubby about his daughter, I'll stop and think " If this was my child, what would I do''. Most of the time, not all the time, deep down in my heart, I say to myself I would probably do exactly what my hubby is doing''. Parents always, always want the best for their children. Wouldn't you fight like hell in defence of your 11 year old baby girl if there was another man in your life who saw things differently than you in regards to one of your child's needs or wants.

I've been going on way to long, but still, I just find it really sad when I see a young woman like you wanting to leave the mariage because of the difficulties you are experiencing with your hubby and his daughter, your stepdaughter.

Be good to yourself. Your feelings towards what you are living are completely normal but talk to hubby and talk to him again and again about how you feel. Don't cry, don't wine and chose the right time to talk to him. One day, you will be proud of your little family. Sometimes it is the woman who needs to be a hero in order to keep the family together. Go girl!

husband's attitude towards his daughter

By the way, when I wrote "kinks", I didn't mean to diminish what you are feeling. It's just that we all feel that way at one point or another. It's really tought being married the way we are, and sometimes it just gets to us....

I agree with the poster who said you are reading too much into her behaviour - she's not manipulating you, at least no more than any 5yo would try to manipulate their parents. She wants attention, love, and boundaries. That's it.

I also agree that the problem is more your DH than your SD.
You need to discuss discipline with your DH and agree to what is acceptable (time-outs and such). He needs to agree that he will not dispute the punishment in front of his DD. Seeing parents fight is fascinating to kids, especially when they feel that they caused it (can you imagine the sense of power they get from that? It's fascinating yet terrifying to them). And of course your SD is testing you! And so will your DD if you don't have set rules for her. Kids need to know what is right and what is wrong. They need to know that if I do this thing that I was told not to do, then I will have to sit in the corner *every single time I do it*. It's just what kids do - and what they need.

You need to work on your resentment towards this extra responsibility that you weren't planning on. Of course it will take time to make all the adjustments to your lives, but your attitude towards it will make a world of difference.

Once you and DH agree on discipline, there are a lot of little things you can do to try to improve her behaviour. My family is always saying "pretty is as pretty does" - and when the little girl acts up or says something mean, she is told "we don't act ugly" or "we don't talk ugly". This seems to work very well with little girls - especially at the pretty princess stage.

Something I've done with my SS is to use a timer to do chores. I first read about this on the Flylady website and more recently saw it on SuperNanny, but it worked great when my SS was young. He's given a small specific task with detailed instructions (clean the closet floor, put the toys on the shelf where they belong and put the dirty clothes in the hamper) and then a timer is set for 15 minutes (probably should be shorter for a 5yo). Then he raced to finish the task before the timer went off. It was a game for him and a blessing for me (cleaner room and a smiling kid!)

jenathegreat~I'am going to try that ugly thing with my daughter.She also into being very pretty and girly. That's pretty good advice.