Are you 100% sure that the kids mom is actually saying bad things about you to them? My stepmother told everyone that my mom had "brainwashed" my sister and I into not liking her, when the truth was my mom had never said anything about her, we just didnt like her.

Buffy
Thanx for the post. Well let's say the only thing I'm 100% sure about is death and taxes, but I am quite certain. There have been numerous times my husband and her have been on the phone and she is screaming at him that they do not have to listen to me, and calling US both lots of nasty names, and the kids are right there listening to it. (my hubby can hear them in the background). So I am sure she says it directly to them too.
There was a situation once where I ASKED 1 of his kids to button there coat, because it was FREEZING out and his daughter had her coat completely undone. I said it because i cared! Later that night my hubby got a call from "her". She told him, "Tell that b*tch g/f of yours NOT to tell MY kids what to do!" (this was before we were married). Just an example.
Can i ask your age? And was there something your stepmom could have done differently so your sis and you didn't dislike her??

I am 22. There was alot she could have done to make me not dislike her. She was always saying bad things about my mother in front of us. We also overheard her and my father arguing one day about how we didnt deserve to be treated as his children because we were only "weekend kids." They had a son together and she never let my father go anywhere with just my sister and I after that. On the weekends when we were there it was like we were invisible. She would fix dinner for 2, even going as far as to put the food on the plate and calling my dad for dinner. Afterward my dad would take my sister and I to a fast food place for dinner. I am not putting all the blame on her, I know my ddad deserves a lot of it too. My stepfather on the other hand was a godsend. He encouraged us to visit my father. He never made it seem as if he were trying to replace our father. It wasnt until recently my sister and I had the courage to tell my mom and stepfather everything that had gone on at my dads house. All you can do is love them and dont make it seem as if you are a replacement mother. It is easy to become frustrated because they are not your kids and you will want them to have yur morals and your beliefs. In my opinion this is parent territory and should not be ventured into by stepparents. Only problems can come of it. Im sorry I can not be more helpful.

It is really sad when you think about all the fighting going on in the world between biological and step parents. I sometimes really have to question why all the fighting is happening. I mean, if you were married and it didn't work out...be happy you've moved on. Don't try to ruin each others lives for the rest of them and don't make the kids miserable. It may very well be things that their mother is saying to make them feel this way and she's probably just jealous that they have more than one mother now.

I would question if your husband made the kids follow rules when he was with their mother. Because if there are rules all of a sudden...they may blame you and not him because "Daddy was so cool before he met you." Maybe that's what they're feeling? And honestly, a parent that has no rules is not a better parent than those with rules. They may think you're a meanie now but they will appreciate that one day.

Life is hard enough as it is and even harder when you have all these other added stress factors. I hope you can find a way to stick it out and keep trying. It may take years but one day, someday something will happen and you will be closer to those girls. Maybe it won't even be until they are adults but wait until they are old enough to make decisions and see things for themselves.

Good luck.

My husband and I have similar problems with his 3 children.My husband has primary custody of his 3, ages 13, 10 and 8, they live with us full-time and visit with their mother 2 afternoons a week and alternating weekends. In my case there is a tremendous amount of animosity and conflict between my husband and his exwife. She came right out and told us that she does not believe that blended families
work, she hated being in one and hated having a step-mother to this day she bads mouths and hates. We receive weekly emails on how the she claims the children don't want to live with us and they don't want to come back after a weekend with us. The children have a tremendous sense of torn loyalty. They feel that if they like me , our home and our blended family they are betraying their mother. We have rules and discipline in our house. Their mother lets them do as they please. They have age appropriate chores in our home but do no chores at Mommy-dearest's house. My husband will tell me the same thing, that the exwife is bitter and vengeful. My husband's relationship with his children is very strained, as is the marriage and our relationship.
I struggle to like my step-children on a daily basis. I went
into this life with an open mind. I liked the idea of a blended family, I like the children and knew the exwife would present a major challenge. I never expected the nighmare I live on a daily basis. At times I am treated as an intruder and an outsider in my own home. I came along after the divorce and by the way the biomom walked out on her marriage nd her children. It was her choice to leave, she likes being a mom when it fits into her plans. Although when I came on the scene she all of a sudden decided to take more interest.
We took the kids to counseling, it helped somewhat. They have a very strong bond with their mother and no matter how much she dumps on them, she walks on water and my husband and I are mean. They treat their dad as if he is just the ATM machine, they don't share their lives with us. For example any school projects they do at their mom's they don't tell us, on Halloween ( a holiday considered by their mother, she takes them trick or treating, On her BROOM!!), we asked what their costumes were, the replied, "We don't feel comfortable telling you". Now where in the world did that come from. So, I do know how you feel, I felt every emotion imaginable. I have reached the point that I truly want the chlldren to go an live with their mother. I am not comfortable around them anymore, it is a strain to be around them. I have considered leaving because I would not want my husbnd to have to choose between them and me. I am 41 and do not want to spend the rest of my life in this situation, I love my husband and want to be with him, what to do?
First I reached the point that I have closed myself off emtionally from the children, because many of their behaviors were hurtful. I do not love them, I care about them because they are human beings and I am a good kind-hearted person whe turned my whole life not to mention the lives of my 2 sons that also live with us. 16& 15. We moved from a different state 2years ago after I got married. I do want I can for them. I don't think of us as a family, my step-children have made it cleae they don't think of us as a family. We are 7 people who live under the same roof. It is terrible to say but my husband has a better relationship with my sons than his own childre. It comes down to the fact that the bio-mom doesn't want her children being happy living with us a blended family and she instills all of her bad feelings into her children. Her children worship their mother and take any scrap she throws them. The bond is too strong to fight and all the good we try to give them and teach them is overcome by lies, bitterness and anger that their mother has for their father and me , because I married him. How can you fight that? I wish I had really good advice for you or an answer. This consumes our life and we work hard at keeping it at a distance. Children learn what they live and the biomom in my case has a much stronger influence over the children that their father and I .
I feel your pain and will keep you and all other step-parent fighting for their right to have a good life with anothe peroson. In hindsight, I would have not gotten into this situation. I would never be involved again with a divorced man with children. That is a terrible statement coming from a person with children. In the 12years I have been divorced I never experienced anything I have in the 2years that I have been married to this man that I really do love. I just have been drained by all that comes with him. I pray everyday for the strenght to stay. As soon as my youngest son graduates HS (3yrs) we are moving away. We will take the children barring any legal case. We have been thru 1 custody case. The biomom sued us for full custody, she lost.She did not want to pay child support. If she takes us back to court we will hand over the children and leave or if they want to stay they can. Hopefully, we can last that long, my husband is nearing the point of sending them off to live with their mother.
Remember you are not alone, that may not help much, but people are thinking of you. I am.

Just an afterthought for you, remember you are unable to control another persons actions. My husband's exwife used to call him endlessly at work just to yell at him, pulled him out of meetings with the CEO, called our home at all hours yelling and sreaming profanities etc. Well, when she took us to court the new custody agreement reads, she is not allowed to call us at work or at home. All communication is via email unless it is an emergency related to that day's schedule. This did cut down on the amount of verbal abuse she threw at us, mostly because anything she sends in an email is documented. She may call the children between 10am to 8pm, they may call her whenever they like. This insulated us somewhat.
Also no matter how much you want your step-children to like you, and the life you and your husband provide for them, you can't make them feel that way if they don't want to. For whatever reason, they maybe unable to be on that page just yet, even though it has been 6yrs. If I would have to guess, it may have to do with their loyality to their mother. I am not making excuses for their behavior, but the bond between a mother and a child is very difficult to come between. They may feel that is what you are doing, even though that is not the case.
You can only do want you can, you know you have done the best you can for them, the rest is on them. Maybe one day when they mature they will be able to see for themselves, maybe not. Only time will tell. It doesn't make matters any better. You and your husband need to work on ways that insulate you from her. We also have a neutral, drop off and pickup place. She is legally not allowed on our property or in our home. We spent 2yrs in court and have attorney bills of 20.000.00 to prove it, Not our choice. She may not be saying the words but the children are learning the behavior from her one way or another. You must be consistent with the children, not tolerate bad behavior or disrespect. Control what you can in your own home and know what you can't control. It sure is not fair to you, but you sound like a good person with the best of intentions. God Bless you.

My SD has been brainwashing my mother for years...It sucks and usualy nobody believes you. So I feel you in a way.

My husbands ex "Dawn" won't give "Our" daughter "D" (12yr old)attention unless she admits to hating me. Telling her mom all the horrible rules we have, which have never changed. Her mom has NO rules, then bi**hes about her behavior to us, blaming ME, as I am the ONLY change in her life. It's been 3 years of hell, ups and downs,lies, and manipulations; from both bio mom and "D". She also gives a blow by blow detail of our weekends together, sometimes twisting the truth to benefit her mom's want for something to chew on.
I can totally relate to your wanting to escape, but the best things in life are worth fighting for. If you run, the Bio mom will win. Therefore making every lie she's said about you true. The kids may not respect you, or even like you now, but they WILL get older, and hopefully realize the games their mom has been playing.
"D" was 9 when we first got together, and is 12 now. She's just beginning to realize all her mom's lies. Baby steps. *S* I refuse to openly bash her mom, I won't even tell her if she's being lied to, I let her see it for herself. Granted her mom still walks on water, but atleast the shades have been lifted. I have been lied about, bashed by both, had my words twisted by both, been treated like a piece o Crap, but I'm not going anywhere. I have my husband who backs me up, which is fortunate. We give a UNITED front, which shows "D" no matter what she and her mom do, we're going to be a family.
Now I'm not saying I'm not frustrated. I envision weekly all the different ways I could beat "Dawn" and get away with it. I have weekends where I'd rather duck tape "D" to the ceiling then look at her. With her fake voice, and constant need to be the center of attention, weather it be positive or negative. I am constantly telling her that no matter what she does we will love her, and be here for her. My home is her home. But that there is also something called "Tough love" which I hand out to ALL of my children.
I have a 5 1/2 yr old girl, and a 3 yr old boy whom my husband has raised as his own. He is the ONLY daddy they know. I am 8 1/2 months pregnant now, and "D" claims to be excited, and can't wait to meet her new sister...but we'll see. Her mom will find some way to use it against her, as she has done with our other children. One day at a time is all I can recommend.
I love "D" as if she were my own. When people see us in the store together and say that she looks nothing like me, but the other two do, she'll say it's because she takes after her dad. Those little comments are what I live for. (she is the clone of her mother)
I AM the evil step mother, and proved it on her birthday last halloween. I dressed up as a witch and called myslef the evil step mother giving her an evil birthday party complete with baby stew. *S* (had a caldrun filled with jello and rug rats candies.)Her mom use to call me that as if it were a bad thing. I ruined that idea. *S*

You know when I got a divorce from ex-hubby (whom mom did not like) back in 89 my mother gave me some advice. Don't marry anyone with kids. I looked at her and said, but I have a child, how can you say that!! You see, she came from a family with 2 sets of kids, different moms, due to a death, not divorce. She saw first hand how mistreated her mom (wife #2) was by her half siblings. She will never forget that as long as she lives!! I did meet and marry a wonderful guy, who just happened to not have kids or an ex-wife. I now know what she means.
My daughter's bio dad and step mom are a totally different subject. When she turned 18 this summer she wrote a 5 pg letter to her dad, step mom and grandmother on her own. She showed it to me before she mailed it. I did freak out on things I had no idea about when she lived with them breifly. She received the letters back, taped up with "refused, return to sender" written on it. One thing she wrote was how much her stepdad and step grandparents love her unconditionally and accept her as is. Another was her SM said to her "you can never be my daughter", she responded that "her SM actions proved that".
My brother has an ex-wife and daughter. They are the best of friends. She's remarried with a son from new hubby and a step son. We love my ex SIL and those boys like our own!! We all spent Easter at my brother's ex and had a great time!!
My hubby and daughter are very close and have always been, her Dad is very threatened by it. He's never tried to be her "dad" just her friend. She realizes her step dad took the high road while her bio dad took the low road.
There's 3 different step families, with 3 different senarios.
I guess my point is, kids will remember things good or bad, especially from step parents/siblings no matter how old they are.
As hard as it may be...if you can't say something nice, don't say it at all.

A big thank you to E1 who offereed advice, and even to those who offered some constructive critisism. I have found this forum to be so bitter-sweet! Bitter because of all the pain that so many of us have endured, and sweet because I am not alone!
Godey- the way you feel about your step kids sounds so like the way i feel! With the exception of my steps don't live with me. I am not sure I would be writing this if they did- because I would probably be divorced by now- and in a forum for divorced parents instead of step parents! I give you 100% of credit for trying to make it work!
ANd Mikella- your sitaution also sounds eerily familiar! I am also very ceratin that the girls get lots of attention by telling stories about US! And the more they twist them the more attention they get! And i'm sure if they don't twist them enough- that the BM is happy to do it for them! I agree with you that the best things in life are worth fighting for- but i feel so emotionally drained by this all! I honestly can't see me leaving- but I also can't stand the thought of this for the next 10 yrs!
AND things just seem to get worse! On there last visit- they were so mad over being asked to do a 5 minute chore that they sd they hated their dad and were never coming back! (the whole story on this is in my 2nd post under my "Mediation/Counseling? HELP!" post)- if your interested!
Anyways GOD BLESS everyone who gave there words of wisdom and I think your all wonderful!

MAY