Don't take it personally: I like to be alone on Mother's Day, too. I am a SM and have my own child. For the past 11 years, I have enjoyed being alone (my child's father always seems to wind up with visitation on Mother's Day) but was with both SS and my child today including my husband and my family. To be perfectly honest, I would've rather have been alone. I think it's just some women's individual choices to want to be alone, however.....

As far as your DH's EW goes, it sounds like she's wallowing in self pity and wants attention from him and the kids. She'll always despise you regardless of the fact that she asked for the divorce. I know be/c I deal with same issue. My husband is constantly being reminded that I'm not SS's mother, little does she know that I have no desire to replace her in his life. The boy actually hates me eventhough I am more than generous and kind to him. I came in the picture after she tossed out my husband, never speak a word about her whether good or bad, it's just not my place to even mention her. She's always calling DH's cell and yelling at him or trying to manipulate him. It's because she's unhappy and most likely, your DH's EW is unhappy too which is why she's inflicting pain on everyone else around her whom she perceives as being happy.

Being a mom is hard, hard work, so I'm not surprised that some moms view an ideal Mothers' Day as a 'day off' from the work of mothering. I remember feeling that way sometimes when mine were younger... But I also remember being very careful to camoflauge that feeling from my kids because it was the last thing they needed to hear. Sorry your SKids' BioMom didn't do that.

It does sound like she's having a pity party and wants everyone to rush in to reassure her that she's the bestest, the mostest, the world's greatest mother, and you're just chopped liver. If she's manipulative enough, she can make her kids say that, whether they mean it or not. If she's really evil, she can make them mean it, whether they want to or not.

I hope she gets her bearings back before she does some harm --

I thought it was standard practice for the separation agreement to state that the mother has the children on Mother's Day and her birthday, and the father on Father's Day and his birthday. That's what my lawyer said, anyway - not that their father wants to see them on "his" days.

There are lots of reasons why the kids might have more "fun" at their father's and jupiterj's house. If their mother is a single parent, she might well have less time to spend in enjoyable activities with the kids, since she is trying to be two people at the same time. But that doesn't make it any less painful for her to hear from her kids that they prefer being at their father's house. It sounds to me like she is under a lot of stress, whether financial or time.

Wow, it also sounds to me as if the BM is under an immense amount of pressure. I would be CRUSHED if my sons preferred anyone to me, to be very honest. And, while she may have wanted the divorce, w/ or w/o good reason, to hear you've been "replaced" in not only your former husband's life, but also in the life of the kids, would be unbearable. I mean, human nature sometimes makes it difficult to see our ex move on, even though we don't necessarily want them, but to have one's children want to be elsewhere would certainly cut like a knife.

My hat's off to you for supporting the children's mother, talking favorably about her, etc. Please keep doing that no matter what and if you need to vent, come here and do it!

I want to believe the children's mother is just going through a horrible stage. I've had awful things happen to me while building this house - had more stress than I could stand and lost my beloved g-father in the midst of it. I'm sure I flipped out a bit on my children, was far more short-tempered than I wanted to be, etc. Sadly, this motherhood job doesn't really come w/ a script and everyone does the best they can.

Is this a woman you could talk to? I don't want her to feel like you're judging her or anything, but you said that you think she hates you. I'd bet she doesn't. I'd bet she's just jealous. Even though as a mother, I complain about never having time to myself, always being the one everyone runs to when he needs something, etc, I'd just DIE if they began running to anyone else. Often, too, I'm the one disciplining and being the enforcer of the stuff dads don't want to enforce, and it breaks my heart as I watch my boys sleep, to have to be the "bad cop." Be sure your DH and you aren't having the Disney house and are still working w/ BM. If you could communicate w/ her and see what her expectations are, it would help. Again, though, you don't want to shove yourself down her throat.

The bottom line is that I think the 11 y.o. spoke favorably about you and your place and when the mom lost her cool for whatever reason, he decided it would be a whole lot easier to just move out. He voiced it, she cried and I would, too. BM doesn't hate you, but from a distance, you look perfect to her and her children and she's envious and probably thinking she can't do much right these days and you can't do anything wrong.

My hat's off to you for telling the despondent 6 y.o. that his mother didn't feel well and did love him! Keep it up - they're all lucky you're the SM!

Dana

I'm not disagreeing at all that it must be painful for her to hear those things and that she does have it harder being a single mom with more restraints on her time. Sometimes I also am under pressure and like bio-mom unsure of how to handle things we all know parenting can be tough but I would never say things like what she has repeated in front of these children. For example once after we were engaged in front of 8 year old said "your dad had enough money to buy HER a ring but not enough to help you play hockey." Which he had already told her he would pay half but that he couldn't afford it till the following week and she wasn't happy with having to wait.
She asked me to go out to lunch with her before I met the children which I thought was completely understandable. This was in the very beginning I even asked her woman to woman if she felt that their was any remote chance of reconciling because I would walk away because I know how painful divorce is on children. Then more and more it went downhill with verbal attacks in front of the children to the point that I don't go anywhere she is going to be anymore.
DH is very strong on discipline ours is not a "Disney home"
Tonight bio called to talk to 11 year old I wasn't there but I guess had an attitude about it and then bio asked to talk to dad and told dad that certain chores need to be done when going back to moms. DH called me asking if he should just tell 11 year old to lay low. I gave my opinion that he shouldn't let 11 year old use coming to dads as a means to escape and that he might be wise to tell 11 year old that they are going to have to work this out with mom and that an attitude with her will not be tolerated by dad. Even though mom up till this week has let 11 year old talk to dad rudely without consequence I don't think two wrongs make a right. Do you guys think that was good advice?

I absolutely think it was good advice. You are being very fair to EVERYONE. You are correct - if your SS has obligations to do at his mom's house, going to visit dad shouldn't be the reason why he doesn't get his chores done, assuming he had ample time and that the chores weren't thrown at him at the last second. Also, teaching children respect for EVERYONE, esp. one's parents just is the right thing to do. I got annoyed w/ my husband's ex as she viewed any civility towards me by the children as disloyalty to her. What a horrible position in which to put your children! I mean, you can't just say, "Show respect for your elders, except her - I don't like her, and him - he bothers me, and this one and that one...."

Maybe I got a little different take on things in your first post - that BM was crying, feeling displaced, etc. Perhaps now, though she gave you the green light (I assume or you'd have backed off in your lunch meeting early on), she is feeling like she has a vendetta against you and your husband, and is using the kids w/ her negativism in an attempt to turn them against you and their dad. However, it appears to be backfiring as the children sound sick of listening to her harp on one thing or another. Maybe that's why she's so upset these days??? Maybe she played her hand, thought she'd win the kids' affection by at least turning them against you/DH and now knows it didn't work and she's left being viewed as angry and bitter by everyone? Does she want pity?

My DH's ex also whined about the engagement ring he bought me to the children. It was so sad that a happy time in their father's life was seen as a catastrophe by them. (BTW, they split because she was having an affair w/ the DD's tennis coach - he later dumped her after DH and I started dating.)

Your DH's ex had no business involving the children in the adults' affairs - such as the ring, the hockey, etc. To take your DH's postponement of the hockey situation by one week, for goodness sake, and act like he had the choice to buy the ring or help w/ hockey is just sick. Why would anyone, even if it was true, want her child to feel like a piece of jewelry was more important than him, his sport, or whatever? It's just twisted.

Hang in there - you sound level headed and very fair. I'm curious as to that meeting you had w/ the ex at lunch. Did the conversation during lunch go downhill fast or was it the weeks and months that followed that took a downward spiral w/ respect to this woman? I'm wondering how she acted and all at the lunch - like did it end of friendly terms or did she become hostile, etc? My DH's ex proposed we meet way back when to talk, but she was so crazy at the time (is better now) that I wouldn't agree to it.

Keep posting!

Dana

vistajpdf
The lunch meeting I (at the time) thought went well. She was very open that though she didn't love ex-h she still cares for him as a person. That she felt better meeting me because I seemed like a good person, and I remember at the end of it saying something along the lines like I know this must be extremely hard for you but I want you to know I'm impressed with your depth of character on how you're coping because one of my best friends had a terrible relationship with her stepchildrens bio mom so much so that bio mom twisted the kids minds against her so I said thank you for giving me the blessing of being a part of your kids life.....so it ended on good terms but the closer DH and I got the nastier her attitude/comments became.