Why isn't she using disposables? They are much less likely to cause eye infections. All my kids except the youngest wear contacts, and none of their eye doctors ever suggested wearing hard contacts.

She doesn't wear hard contacts, she uses gas permeable because of dry eyes and an astigmatism. We tried soft, but she was very uncomfortable in them because her eyes are so dry. I know they do have a new brand of soft disposables good for dry eyes that the doctor said may work, but the doc also said he is concerned none would work for her because she doesn't want to follow any kind of care instructions.

Tell the CP that you will get them this time but the next time she needs another pair you are not reimbursing her.... since you don't have the money either. Or daughter can wait till you both have the funds to pay your 50%.

cawfecup: We have 30 days from the time a bill is presented to us to reimburse because we pay the premiums on all insurances. I tried to compromise and say to DH, tell BM that we will give our 50% RIGHT NOW (not 30 days), so she can go ahead and get the contacts. He was so offended and said these were something his child desperately needs and he is not going to deny them to her because HE IS HER FATHER AND IT IS HIS DUTY. It was all very dramatic. I said we are talking about contacts, not a kidney...so relax. Contacts are not needs..they are wants, particulary when you have a wonderful pair of 500 dollar glasses we just bought. And again, I think I am compromising by offering our 50% now rather than in 30 days, but of course I am still being a B****.

I dont know anything about contacts, and I cn imagine how frustating this is. Can you or dh call her eye doctor and see if maybe he or his staff can talk to her? I think sometimes with kids it is more effective for a doctor or other party to discuss issues. I dont know abou this, but I would be afraid the multiple eye infections, lack of cleaning may result in more serious damage.

Simply tell her this is the last time for a long time, if she wants to see she'll have to do her part. This is a blatant example of a spoiled brat and ya'll are enabling her and making this worse. Tough love!

Vannie: I completely agree, but DH does not see it that way, so for the sake of peace, I try to come up with what I see as reasonable compromises.

KKNY: We actually agree. Last time, my dh had doctor talk to my SD and he told her she must start caring for them. And then my DH told her she had to start doing better and making them last or she would have to pay for the next pair out her own money from her job. But, of course he never follows through on his threats, so really that is the issue.

So, I guess my main question is, Am I being completely unreasonable here?

She shouldn't wear the contacts again anyway until the infection clears right???

Let me sort this out ... noone has enough to cover the 100% you offered to pay up your 50% now? guessing BM doesn't have her 50% either? But hubby wouldn't accept that he wanted to get them immediately(hero)? so he will pay the 100% and bm will not reimburse him? but she expects to be reimbursed....

Cawfecup: Pretty much..he has to be hero. We technically do have the money to cover the 100%, but if any unforseen emergency came up (he has a 13 year old car btw), we would be back to borrowing from my parents. When I worked, we had a pretty comfortable account (my paycheck was basically fun money) so we bought everything back then and no, she never reimbursed us. When our baby came, and our income was reduced we needed BM to start helping us out with expenses, but she rarely says she has any money. I really don't know what she is going to do in March when CS is cut in half because oldest SD turns 18. It will be interesting.

BTW...she always has money for her and her husband to smoke 3 packs a cigarettes a day, and my SK's to smell like a tobacco factory when they get in our car. They literally reaked so bad of smoke one time when they got in our car that my son had an asthsma attack. (He is severly allergic to smoke)

I think this has to be DHs call. I can be appreciate this is frustating.

kkny...It will be his call. He'll do whatever he wants in the end and I'll just have to deal with it. It is just very frustrating, and I appreciate the understanding. I have dealt with this stuff with him enough to usually handle it better than I am tonight, but I am seriously PMS'ing (I know too much info) so I think it is getting under my skin more than usual tonight.

Tell her if she gets another eye infection she will have to wear glasses. What's wrong with her, doesn't she know she can go blind?

My dear SD has a major rebellion issue so anytime anyone tries to tell her to do something, she feels the need to do the exact opposite, particularly if it is me. I say, "Dear SD, please do not lay out with baby oil for hours..you are beginning to look burned...I think you should come in...you look really red...and that night she'll be crying to me about how burned she is and can I take her to the store for aloe." We'll go to the store and get aloe, and have a conversation about being more careful next time, and then when next time comes around, she'll roll her eyes at me when I try to remind her of the last time and remind me that I am not her mother. Rinse and repeat. So is our life.

I wouldn't ask your parents for any money unless it was a major event and even then do it on the side...don't let hubby know ... when he bugs ya about it ... say we had the money but you had to play "hero".

And the answer to "you're not my mother!" ... Then don't ask me to do anything you would ask a mother to do ...give her examples of what a "mother" is supposed to do... like run to the store for aloe when she has been told repeatedly to put sunscreen on ... run out and get her new contacts with borrowed money because she didn't bother to take care of the last 4 pairs she had, those are mom and dad jobs not mine.

How frustrating! It's certainly clear to me that you're responding like a reasonable, responsible parent by wanting your SD to take care of her contacts so she doesn't permanently damage her eyesight. To my way of thinking, the bigger problem isn't really about money or 'heroics' or anything related to that -- it's about personal care and responsibility.

I'd suggest printing a few articles off of the Internet linking poor contact lense hygeine to permanent eye damage and having your husband and SD BOTH read them. And if at all possible, get your hubby to agree that a clear statement needs to me made (and enforced) that the natural consequence of any future 'poor contact lense hygeine' will be the immediate and permanent (until she turns 18 and can buy them herself) loss of contact lenses. Period. Because you care about her health and eyesight too much to let her harm herself the way she has been.

Thank you all for your suggestions. I had a somewhat reasonable discussion with my DH before bed last night and he said he would talk to BM today about why we aren't following the decree and her purchasing them and us reimbursing. He seemed to be OK with my compromise after that. He kissed me before he went to work this morning, so I guess that is progress. We'll see what happens next....My fear is it will be the usual...if DH doesn't do what SD17 wants, she will refuse to come over and then SD12 will refuse as well as a sign of solidarity. This is what always happens when daddy doesn't do what they want. Eventually, he won't be able to stand not seeing them, so he'll do what SD17 wants and then they'll come over. The emotional manipulation drives me crazy.

Hip, Hip, Horray, he kissed you before he went to work!! What a great guy - you must fear rebuke because you requested open communication with your husband. Are we in the prehistoric caveman days!!! I usually try to advocate taking the higher road but sometimes I am overwhelmed with the absolute sense that no matter what we do we are always the ones who are deemed unreasonable, unbendable and mean. Kids are kids and they're going to be irresponsible (fyi - her doctor should warn her about the consequences of wearing dirty contacts, if her eyes start to show the wear and tear they will not prescribe contacts until they heal up; she'll be forced to wear glasses) and they will hopefully learn from their mistakes. However, the fact that you must borrow $ from YOUR parents and yet HE will not even be considerate enough to hear your opinion about financial matters (child responsibility issues aside, this is a matter of adult communication and respect) drives me crazy!!!

Lonepiper..I completely agree with you. If I have to ask my parents for money, then in my opinion, anything that is not essential has to be put on the backburner until the situation improves. Update on this situation...We got into another big argument about it last night. We had come to the agreement that we would pay our half now instead of waiting the 30 days the divorce decree allows, just to try to be amicable. Since we came up with that offer, DH has been trying to reach BM and discuss this arrangement with her. She finally called him back yesterday 1 hour before he was to pick his girls up for their 2 week uninterrupted visit with us and started going off on him..telling him he is nickel and diming his daughters..how she can't pay her bills because he isn't paying enough CS,..on and on. So, he caved and told her we would pay the entire bill since she is so strapped. I FLIPPED OUT! What happened to our agreement? He tells me.."I have you on one side saying one thing and her on the other, and I feel stuck in the middle". Newsflash..you put yourself in the middle. She isn't your wife anymore (HER CHOICE) and chose to marry a man who makes 1/3 what you do. If she can't pay her bills..that's her problem. And guess what..we don't have the money either. Why is it ok for her to say she doesn't have the money, but when he does, he is a bad parent. When my DH lost his job last year, he had 500 dollars left to pay her from the divorce decree due 15 days after he lost his job. We asked her for a little time until he found another job...she absolutely refused..told him our finances weren't her problem. So, again we borrowed the money from my parents so he could pay her off. She didn't care about our money problems...I could care less about hers. I know her lack of money right now isn't going to keep the kids from eating because WE HAVE THEM FOR THE NEXT 2 WEEKS, so I am more concerned with keeping my refrigerator stocked for them. Anyway, after this blow out where I totally lost it, he went out to start his car and it's DEAD. Hopefully, he will just need a new battery, but it totally proved my point that we can't just be throwing good money after bad because his car is 12 years old and we have to think it is going to have problems. It is very frustrating, and I told him that contacts were low on the priority list...I am going to pay car insurance, health insurance premium, DS's school tuition (before anybody jumps and says I care about my kids before the sk's-this is my son from a previous marriage and his dad pays more than enough CS to cover his school) and the water and power bill first. To me, all of those things are more important than contacts this week and I am going to fight this battle to my death (hopefully not necessary). Usually, I give in just to regain the peace, but I know I am right on this one, and I refuse to put this family in hardship when we offerred a compromise that BM is unwilling to accept.

If the finances are so tight that it comes down to borrowing from your parents, not fixing the car or not eating, then IMO, new contacts are simply and very clearly out of the question. Not only are they totally optional, they're downright inadvisable. Sorry - not now. Period. The end. Not up for discussion. Whether he 'promised' or not. (A 17 year old is old enough to know that sometimes the harsh realities of life interfere with promises.) You already said it perfectly, so repeat as needed:

"I know I am right on this one, and I refuse to put this family in hardship"

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Sometimes when my kids start whining for something, I ask them to tell me what I'll say if they ask again. They'll give me 'the look' and groan out "You'll say no..." At which point, I ask them if they want to ask me again. Of course, they just give me 'the look' again, but it certainly ends the discussion.