Of course she got half his retirement. That's the way it works. It is not easy working when one's spouse is in the military - for one thing, they tend to keep moving around. If she was a SAHM for 13 years, it is likely that she would get spousal support. If they, as a couple, agreed that she should be a SAHM, that shouldn't change just because they divorced.

it is legal not to work. If she can afford it just living on CS, then there is nothing you can do. there is no law that she has to work. i mean it is nasty, but not illegal. if kids are not taken care off then you can ask for change in custody but other than that...

maybe she has other sources of income such as boyfriends, or she is selling somehting, or her parents help.

you pay for the kids, not her. if you think you pay too much, you should address it.

people get half of the retirement money in divorce. Does not matter if they work or not.

I don't defend her, she sounds awful but there is no law that says people have to work.

just noticed TOS' post, oh yes, I didn't think of spousal support, she probably gets spousal support besides CS, so maybe she does not have to work, and maybe the house is paid too? Some men have to pay generous spousal supports.

I also think that your DH probably makes a very good money if she gets such a nice support. She probably feels she deserves it (I don't know who caused divorce, but it would also make a difference, she might feel he has to pay because he caused it)

Unfortunatelly when people get divorced that's what happens: sad consequences for everyone, exspouses and kids.

As the daughter of a career military father (and my mom was a sahm), I completely understand that it can be difficult to work when one's spouse is in the military, and I support their decision to be sahm's. My husband was moving every 2 to 3 years in his air force career so it would have been difficult for his wife to hold a job.

My husband won't address the "paying too much" to his ex-wife b/c he doesn't want the childrens' quality of life to deteriorate by taking money away from their mother. He certainly wishes that she would work, b/c the day is going to come when she no longer receives the child support, and what in the world is she going to do then??? She is pretty bitter and has even told him that he should have to pay her the child support for the rest of HER life b/c he owes that to her. It's kind of insane, lol.

It is rather strange of her not to work, pretty crazy. It is not like kids are that young, right? i just don't think there is anything you can do. I see now that she if is bitter, i guess that's why she refuses to work and believes he has to support her. he thinks that she agreed to divorce, but maybe deep inside she has a resentment and she does not want to heal, just wants to punish her ex. Maybe she believes it is his fault they got divorced, and if not his actions they would still be married. It might not be true, but that's maybe what she feels.

I knwo what you mean: what is she going to do then? My SIL never worked, has no career, completely relies on her DH, my brother. and he is not in military. We always worry if somehting happens to him what is she going to do?

Of course she gets half of pension..Thats the way it works......NOT in all cases.....I am my DHs pension beneficiary...X gets nothing...She took half cash and the house...Another never worked a day in her life mom ..Baby is going to be 18...Days are numbered...Gee, wonder what I d do if I made no provisions for my retirement years and I have a house, I have no income to pay taxes on...Not the shrewdest move I ve seen..Also has no health insurance..Guess house will have to go to pay future medical bills and I see a diet of cat food coming...Sigh Oh, forgot, Ms Genius wanted the divorce..Bitter isnt the word for the BM in my case, but oh well you made the deal, now you will pay the consequence....Yeah, its DHs fault for this situation, she also feels she should be supported the rest of her life....Oh, did I mention the jobless homeless man she took in (with a minor child in the house)she is supporting him too on CS, but desperately trying to get him to bring a few bucks in....ANYONE but her having to go to work....

"Oh, did I mention the jobless homeless man she took in (with a minor child in the house)she is supporting him too on CS, but desperately trying to get him to bring a few bucks in....ANYONE but her having to go to work...."

That's too funny!!!! I thought it was bad that my SD's mom is 35 and has never held down a job for more than a couple of months. Her BF finally told her she NEEDS to get a job because he can't do it alone anymore. They moved into a house that costs over twice what he was paying for the one room loft. He sold his boat to pay the deposit & first month's rent. He really believes she's going to get a job where she can make up the difference on it. I'm seeing a train wreck in the distance here. I kinda feel sorry for the guy.

It's hard to understand that mentality when I've been working since I was 13 or 14. I can't imagine depending on anyone to 'take care' of me financially and waiting for the check. What would happen if these guys that pay and are the sole income of these people that don't work, were to get disabled or die? Where would that leave them? It's not an issue of whether they deserve to get spousal support or not. I guess it would suck to have to take an entry level job in my 40's or 50's. (but I guess they could always go live off their kids when they're grown...)

LOL IMA, It would suck to have an entry level job in your 50s, and living off the kids is exactly where I see this scenario going..DH is disappointed that SS seems to be loosing his work ethic, seeing thse two layabouts send him out and asking him for room and board...He quit his job, and hasnt been looking to find another...I feel he s thinking, I m seventeen, why should I support them, they are supposed to be taking care of me with the money my dad sends...

TOS you amaze me!

"If they, as a couple, agreed that she should be a SAHM, that shouldn't change just because they divorced."

Umm..yes it does. Most of the time it isn't a 'joint agreement', even if it was it doesn't apply to someone you are NO LONGER MARRIED TO. The whole point of divorce is separation. I'm curious TOS, are you of the muslim faith? The Koran seems to be the only source I know of that states a man must provide for all previous wives. You seem to take that stance alot.

Once divorced it is no longer his job to provide for her (for his children yes). A grown woman can take care of herself in this day and age!

"no law that says people have to work."

Actually -- the court can order you to get a job or be jailed/fined.

how can courts order people to get a job if they can afford not to work? i know plenty of women who do not work and not all of them are married. I don't see courts telling them to go to work.

this is not true, syerin, about not his job, courts often award generous spousal support, so courts often consider that it HIS his job to provide for his exwife.

By law (at least in my state), children are entitled to be supported by BOTH parents. How can BOTH parents provide support if only ONE is working? I guess if the non working one has another source of income to provide for the kids, that's fine. But, it is unfair to make one parent support the children alone, let alone the ex that doesn't work. Whatever money the ex uses for herself (unless it is clearly spousal support) is money that is taken from their child which means the child is suffering because the money intended for them is being used on mom. (and sometimes mom's BF or other kids)

When DH filed with CPR there is an ENTIRE section of the 20 some page doc he had to fill out which states if parent is not working the court can order them to obtain reasonable employment within 30 days or face jail/fines/etc. to provide for their children.

Spousal support does not exist in my state FD.

No alimony in Texas, but we have spousal support. Very hard to get. A couple must be married like 20 years or something to get spousal support.

sieryn,

"Most of the time it isn't a 'joint agreement'"

Um, yes it normally is. I don't know any couples where the decision for one parent to be a SAHP (or not) is not made jointly.

Why should someone get to decide that he no longer wants to support his wife when that is the agreement they made, just because he wants to run off with another woman? (Or, swap the sexes in that last sentence - the same thing would apply).

Ok ...

So when hubby and the ex split you're telling me because he was a stay at home dad he could have gotten spousal support and or alimony plus child support after all she was making over $100,000 a year ...

Oh wait she did the typical man thing ... filed personal bankruptcy then filed business bankruptcy, then quit doing real estate ... then took a lower paying job to base her CS off of ... and once she got laid off from that job chose not to work anymore ...

They both made the decision for hubby to be a SAHD ... she left and left him with out any means of an income ... guess what he did ... so his children could eat because she chose to be a deadbeat mom he went out and got a job.... AMAZING how that works ... his children needed to eat and he figured out a way to feed them instead of waiting for a check in the mail he chose to support his children ... only took 18 months for CS to start coming... good thing he didn't wait 18 months to live off of his "cash cow" (she liked to call herself).

CS only lasts at most 23 years ... what are you (CS recipient) going to do when the CS stops ??? Live off your children?

And if ex-hubby drops dead tomorrow ... there will not be anymore CS only Soc Sec. and again that only lasts 23 years at most ... so unless you birthed your children after the age of 42 you will have to figure out a way to support yourself sooner or later why wait.

And if god forbid something happens to your child, CS would end too ...

Why would anyone want to be financially dependent on another person ???

I met a girl (22) a month or so ago ... complained about not getting any child support but her next statement was ... I have to work 3 jobs to survive .. well if you got the CS you wouldn't have to work 3 jobs.

CS is supposed to help you raise your children ... not be your only means of income.

of course it is unfair when parent does not work and it is just plain stupid, i never said it is fair. i could never afford not to work. So i don't know why others don't work. what i am saying that most the time you cannnot do anything about it.

In our state it is 10 years for spousal support and what i know from people it is very easy to get if you ask, even if you work if you make much less than him you get alimony. many women just do not ask.

"I don't know any couples where the decision for one parent to be a SAHP (or not) is not made jointly."

I don't know any 'couples' where the decision for one parent to be a SAHP is not made jointly either... THE ONES THAT DIDN'T 'AGREE', WELL THEY ARE ALL DIVORCED!!! One of the reason's my husband is no longer with his ex is because she didn't want to work. He didn't want to support her. I know many divorced people that couldn't agree on that issue. So, I do think that if the decision is made jointly, then you are right... they would probably still be a couple.

Um, after you get a divorce, they are no longer your WIFE...you are an unrelated party.....In my state in a long term marriage, you would be entitled to spousal support (even for the rest of your life, if you dont remarry)if you re such a mope you can prove there is no hope you can make a living...Which personally I turned down..Not going to be dependant on my X , my remarrying is a condition of getting cash the rest of my life...Seems a bit like indentured servitude.....Oh and by the by, I was present to hear the judge tell my X .....Sir....I can order you to work at McDonalds , if I so choose....My X had sudden back problems at time of divorce , which popped up 2 days after I left, which would have left him in a bad position to work and share our joint assets......

lol dotz I love your stories. I like it: back problem suddenly developed. haha so did he go to work in McDonalds? hahaha

My dh was married to his ex for 13 years. He was required to pay spousal support until he retired from the air force and then she received half the retirement. She does not get any spousal support now, but she does make out pretty well. Between chld support and retirement, she is getting almost $4000 a month. When my husband passed away, I didn't get that much in social security to support 4 children! Anyway, I guess she thinks that is enough for her to not have to work. I just think that she SHOULD work and we should NOT have to pay so much, but I guess that might be something I just have to kind of accept. I certainly don't have to like it though. :)

About my stepdaughter, someone asked what kind of things she is stealing. Before we put locks on our room, she would steal money from dh's wallet or my purse, she stole some of my jewelry (we later found it hidden in her room), she stole several gift cards that we received as wedding gifts after our wedding last summer, make-up, clothes...you name it. A couple of weeks ago I came in the house and put my purse on the kitchen counter and went to unload groceries out of my car. During the 60 seconds I must have been in the garage, she stole $40 out of my purse. She is a master at opportunity.

Mom TL, If you dont mind me asking, when you married DH did you have to give up any of your formers husbands benefits, are your kids OK? I think sometimes you cant collect SS from former husband if you remarry?Hope thats OK for your retirement......And as for the stealing, I ve read when children steal, they are stealing love, if that makes any sense,, as in pay attention to me, I was from a huge, lost in the shuffle family and actually boosted a few lipsticks from Woolworths as a young teen...I turned out OK, had a long career in law enforcement(thank the Lord I never got caught and ruined my life and career opportunities), but looking back, yes was looking for love and attention....Fine, LOL ,No he never did go to work at McDonalds..We equally contributed to the marriage financially,but he was in charge and made us live like we were on welfare, much to my chagrin at the time....But, you wanna talk about an enforced saving plan!!!!! I heard his lawyer SCREAMING in the hallway in the courthouse WHAT PART OF FIFTY PERCENT DONT YOU UNDERSTAND!!!!! No way we could split 50-50 with his back problem!!!!But Dotz hit the jackpot!! I had no idea with his cheap a$$ treatment of me all those years would reap such a benefit, I had NO idea how much he had squirreled away!!!! It was that lil piece of paper called financial disclosure!!!!Aw, Cinderella is living happily ever after, Mr Dotz is a hermit that hasnt left the house in six years as far as I can tell.......

Hi dotz,

I lost my share of the social security when I married my current husband, but my children still receive their benefits, albeit my oldest who just graduated from high school so her last month of benefits was May. I wish social security would continue to pay benefits through college but alas, they do not. My kids are fine though! :) We receive the social security benefits from my deceased husband and my current husband certainly contributes to their financial welfare as well. One thing I have tried to share with my friends and family is that PLEASE make sure that you have an adequate amount of life insurance on your spouse. Of course one never wants to think about the sad subject of death, including me and my former husband, and because of that, we did not have adequate life insurance benefits. He did not leave me in bad shape by any means, but also not great shape. Unfortunately, I also found out after his death that he was providing life insurance benefits for a girlfriend that I knew nothing about. She got quite a bit more than I and his 4 children received. I don't mean to sound bitter, but I'm afraid I am a little bit, lol. :)

wow, he provided life insurance to a girlfiend he had while married? this is pretty bad.

wow, he provided life insurance to a girlfiend he had while married? this is pretty bad.

MTL, OMG!! That is awful(life insurance to girlfriend)...You have every right to be bitter!!!!Geez...How did you find this out? I thought that SS only continues on kids til 19, also that if you remarry you give up late husbands SS...Kind of a scary proposition if second marriage didnt work out...Glad you re OK on that end...I think my DHs X will never remarry so she can collect his SS, but I doubt its enough to live on, since she gave up pension rights in the divorce....

I actually found out about the life insurance (to the other woman) through the social security administration. Apparently, when someone dies, the SS Admin does a "search" for any insurance, pensions, etc. I received the life insurance benefits through his employer, but SS found out about another policy and gave me the number. I called to inquire and they confirmed that my husband did indeed have another policy, but I was not the beneficiary. They actually gave me the name of the beneficiary and after some research, I learned who she was (a co-worker of my husband's). They had been in a relationship for over 2 years, completely unbeknowst to me. I felt like an idiot, lol. And yes, she got more in benefits than I and his 4 children did. And she is single...no children. Kind of crazy, huh?

MTL, VERY CRAZY!!! Dont answer this if its too personal, but did you ever confront her about the insurance?

I was just going to say the same thing! did you or the kids confront her? 4 kids got less than her. wow. somehting comes to mind, i wonder if she blackmailed him if he won't leave her money, she will tell his wife. maybe he did not plan on dying and planned on leaving her and eventually changing the beneficiary, I don't know if it makes sense, but how can he ignore 4 children and reward a bimbo?

Men do the darndest things. Its his money and he did what he wanted in the end. We can all judge him till the cows come home. BUt likely in his mind he had two plans and he gave one to each. Of course the wife and 4 kids will get less . its 5 people to split compaired to one.
And if the other plan had more cash then from that perspective its pretty low. But hey, so is seeing a person for 2 years while married under your wifes nose eh?
EIther way, i know there is bitterness but you cannot change what has happened and you just have to continue wiht your lives.

Sorry it has taken me a few days to respond. We have been moving into a new house. :)

Anyway, yes, we have definitely moved on with our lives and we're doing great, but there is still some bitterness. I never confronted the other woman b/c she lives in Minnesota (where dh's corporation was located) and we live in Florida. He traveled weekly to Minnesota. Anyway, she got a LOT more than I and my four children did. She received well over half a million.

Wow!! My husband's life insurance policy is invalid if the benefactor is anyone other than your spouse for more than 50% of the policy without the spouses signature.

There was no way for you to "sue" her for the money?

It's important to bear in mind is that "we" don't pay child support or spousal support (at least I don't think so; at least not in Texas);

the former spouse does, & that's between the 2 of them;
a 2nd wife doesn't pay anything & "doesn't have a dog in this fight".

(Would you think your ex's new wife should be a participant in *your* arrangements? would you want to justify your lifestyle to her?)

Living with the consequences of a spouse's ex & children is often aggravating & sometimes it isn't fair, & you can talk to your spouse about it, but ultimately it's between the 2 of them, & it's up to him to decide whether to get along with her or take a disagreement further.

& I really have been in your shoes:

An incident that really made me angry was when my now-ex's ex, the children's mother (who had a college degree & had been a successful journalist & a librarian) re-married, quit her job, & immediately got pregnant...
When the baby was born, she asked the boys' father for more money, since the larger apartment & loss of income meant less money for their children.

She made up a chart, showing her & her new husband's income & bills, & allotted 2/5ths of the apartment rent to the boys & said their dad should pay it.

Although I did bite a chunk out of my tongue, I kept my comments to the observation that when he had had physical custody, he wouldn't have dreamed of asking her for more money because he'd had another child; indeed, he hadn't been able to afford to quit his job & have another child!

It worked out all right, but the two of them had to do the fussing, I mean negotiating...& my income & bills were never involved.

& you might do well to keep separate accounts for your money, his money, & our money.

It helps.

I don't mean to be ghoulish or flippant, & I apologize if you've already posted this & I just missed it, but how did your husband die?

Half a million is a *lot* of money, especially considering that guys usually don't think in terms of life insurance.

That is so awful that OP's husband designated his GF as a beneficiary. I can't believe how humiliating that must have been. What did he think his children, at the very least, would think!? It seems to me that a wife would have every right to contest that. It sounds like it is in the past, and neither here nor there, but it boggled my mind. I am so sorry you had to deal with something like that in the midst of your grief.