As I look at this I wish I could offer advice. All I can say is your right, this favoritism is not fair. And dad is not doing his son any favors by letting him be a child with no boundries.

Have you tried sitting your dh down and discussing the whole situation without telling him about a new "incident"? Maybe pointing out that 16yr old does so much and 15yr old should be doing about the same? Maybe making a list of "house rules" for all to follow and a chore list for each child.

If he refuses then ask him who will pick up all the slack, if his kid can't do chores than neither can yours. And if the kids do not pitch in who will be left to clean it all.....certainly not you!

Some posters on her have mentioned going on strike in similar situations. Perhaps that might work for you? Seems that your kids would be able to take care of themselves just fine, ss would be the one struggling!

First of all, you're to be commended Kandituft, for raising your kids to be capable, responsible and productive. As the mother of an HFA 12-year old, I know that's a tall order and that many parents seem to just give up and do everything themselves. It's certainly easier in the short run, but of course, crippling to our kids.

And sadly, your DH is crippling his own child by enabling his slacking. He has to realize that your children are more capable and reponsible than his own, despite their disabilities.

Seems to me that your DH needs to put his foot down firmly and enforce some discipline, and it won't be easy. I'd ask him to draw up a chores list and write in the assignments he'd consider fair and appropriate. Or write the list of chores together and have the kids all choose their chores at a family meeting. Something - anything to assign a fair share of the chores to the 15 year old and have it NOT be done by you.

Then Dad needs to enforce it. Period. The 15 year old will probably whine, stomp his feet, go off on a rant about how your kids are so annoying and you're awful and he hates it there, etc. But Dad's simply got to hold firm. If he won't, there's a world of hurt up ahead, and your kids will suffer from it too.

15year old is clearly aware that 18 and 16 have some form of disability so he takes advantage of them. He knows that they won't argue back and, like you said, are afraid of him. This is nasty, your DH has to stop it right now. This is entirely your DH's job to stop it. And your children should not be afraid of SS, they should feel safe at home. talk to your DH very seriously, it has to stop right now.

I agree with the others that your DH is the biggest problem here, in that he is enabling his son to behave badly, being disrespectful to you and harmful to his stepsiblings (which is particularly horrid as they are disabled and unable to protect themselves). As a result it sounds like your SS is growing up to be a real piece of work. Ask your DH, is this what you want? A son who thinks the world exists to serve him and who picks on the weaker? What a shock the world will give him when you are no longer around.
It looks like your DH and son were living in a stag household where rules were non-existent and women unimportant, and your SS is continuing with this attitude. Failing classes where the teachers are women doesn't look good from a socialisation viewpoint.
Frankly, as a mother, even if the sun shone out of your DH's backside there is no way I would allow my children to live in a household where they are mistreated, treated as lesser beings and made to live in fear. In your shoes I'd be telling your DH that if things don't change for the better, I'll be taking my kids to live somewhere where we could all have some peace and equity.

I don't want anyone to get the wrong impression. DH is great. He isn't turning a blind eye to SS's behavior. He realizes there's at minimum an "attitude problem" going on. SS's behavior got worse after his biomom left (again) last fall. She tends to come (after being gone for years at a time), promise to be a real mom, hang around just long enough to make SS think maybe she really will this time, and then disappear which is where I think the majority of SS's behavior is coming from, especially the unconscious behavior aimed at women. The physical incident between the 16 and SS happened after the 16 yo didn't shut the van right and in SS's mind if something wasn't perfect, I might leave just like his bio mom so all his anger at biomom came out backwards at the 16 yo. There's only been one physical incident but in a household with austistic spectrum kids, it just takes one incident and they think there's the pattern.

I really don't want to make excuses for SS but I do understand why he's acting the way he is. I'm just not sure how to help him, try to keep things fair in the meantime, and not walk around being constantly ticked off at him. I"m thinking this is going to be my plan of action. Let me know what you think

1- SS starts seeing a counselor - as soon as one can be found- period - I"m not his biomom and shouldn't be punished for what she did. I would never ever treat him or anyone that way. and most siblings of children with disabilities have problems adjusting or relating to them, why wouldn't a teenager thrust into the situation, especially with not just one sibling but 3?

2 - Anytime SS doesn't do his 15 min daily chore he will not leave the room the chore was to be in (even if I have to sit on him and he misses his baseball game, pees his pants, or I'm late for work) until he does (making DH enforce the rules isn't adding much to my credibility with SS - It's almost like SS wants me to be the one to punish him)

3- If SS doesn't mow the yard properly with the riding lawn mower, he will use the push mower, even if I or DH have to follow behind him the entire time and make sure he does it all.

4 - the attitude will stop. If he can't see that we all have to work together, I just might try the strike thing and see how much he likes doing his own laundry, own dishes, making is own meals (probably just sandwiches since he can't cook and I"m not buying special groceries for him to eat alone and he wont' eat leftovers). Maybe then he might come to the conclusion, that even if he doesn't realize it, we all work together and people are doing things for him.

4 - the lying, "storytelling, "smart alec comments", whatever you want to call them - I'll just immediately call him on it. NO more games, no more him trying to outsmart me, no more trying to catch him in the lie, just quietly, and simply state "that's bs and you know it" and move on

5 - any attitude directed at the other kids will become immediate and lengthy family discussion and we all know how much teenagers love those, most likely followed by a grounding where he's required to be around the other kids and has to get along - no going to his room, no going to friends, etc (I'm in the office only 3 days a week so this should be able to be closely supervised).

6 - as for unfairness in material possessions, they'll each just have a dollar limit for school clothes, etc. IF SS wants to blow all his on one pair of shoes and one pair of shorts, so be it - he doesn't then get to complain that he has nothing to wear.

7 - as for the homework, DH and I discussed at the end of the school year, that we can check on the computer for finished homework - if the homework shows as not turned in on Friday (too bad if the teacher forgot to update it), the TV from his room is gone (no more cable, no more video games, etc) and he spends each night until bedtime at the dining room table doing homework and has to physically show us the homework (the exact missing assignment and any current assignments emailed to me from the teacher) is completed before being excused - if he says he forgot it at school the principal has kindly volunteered to go open up the school for him (the principal just doens't want it to become a daily thing, but I think we'll only have to call this bluff a couple times) - this one is going to take a lot of time, but again I don't think it'll be something that will always require as much time, just follow up, once he sees we mean it

ok what does everyone think?

If I were a 15 year old boy and somebody, even a biological parent, tried to do things like not allow me to leave a room until I completed a chore, I would leave anyway. I doubt if you are physically strong enough to restrain him.

I asked my daughter for her opinion, since she is the same age as your stepson. She said,

"She is being ridiculous and unrealistic. She clearly has no idea how 15 year olds regularly act. She is also clearly unaware that those punishments she mentioned don't work - they are just a waste of time for everybody involved. He is 15 years old; he can do his laundry himself. She doesn't have to complain about doing it at one am; he can do it himself; it is not that hard. It also sounds like she is treating her bio-children really unfairly by forcing them to wear really cheap clothing. Four dollars is really, really cheap. It sounds like she scared her children into thinking that she will get angry if they ask for anything of a reasonable price. She sounds like she is obsessive-compulsive and is blaming everything that isn't perfect on the children - specifically the SS, but her children, too. It is the husband's son, not hers, so let him deal with it, and butt out."

I have to read posts more carefully. I always miss these little details. 4 dollars for clothes? shoes? There are no shoes like that, they just don't sell them. Can't be. 10 maybe. We have this 9.99 store. even Pay Less does not sell shoes for 4 dollars, no such thing.I just bought DD tank tops on clearance, they were 3.99. But that's about it.

TOS, keep in mind these children have disabilities but SS clearly mistreats them and makes them to do stuff for him. they can't be expected to stand up for themselves. I know number of autistic kids and they normally do what they are told by other kids. So if SS says: do XYZ, they would. this is very wrong though, SS will grow up cruel and mean.

But i agree that punishments like this never work and only cause more trouble. SS needs to be taught and explained, also he might need some disability awareness. He might not understand much about his new stepsiblings.

You cannot change your SS you have to change how you react to him

When he brings his laundry to you complain about doing it while you are doing it or do you leave it for laundry day?

When he asks for $80 sneakers ... do you say have you earned half the money? or no way I only buy $4 shoes?

When he asks for something are you waiting for him to give you the answer you want (lie) or the truth ... and only get on him about a lie ... or do you say since you told the truth I'll talk to dad and see what I can do

Why are your children picking up after him? do they share a room? anyway to get them out of the same room .. let him pile the room knee deep in junk close the door. Every 6 months I have "whipping day" ... for 2 weeks before whipping day ... I warn mine I will be cleanig it on _____ if its on the floor it will be thrown out so if you want it get it off the floor ... I remind them daily until whipping day .... They complained the first time it happend but haven't since been going on 3 years now :) ... I think they look forward to whipping day 2 days a year their rooms are clean!!

Nail the window so he can't throw stuff out of it !!!

School work let him suffer the consequences ... he's old enough to know if he doesn't do it the teacher will get on him ...

When you are at your worst does he look at you and smirk smile grin ... he got to you and he knows it ... walk away take your kids for special things even if its just to the park when they have completed their chores he is old enough to stay home alone or with dad ....

Stand up for your children teach them to do it too ... when your 8 yr old comes to you and says SS told me he would play with me if I did _______ and now he won't play ..... you'll have to repeat it a few times ... but haven't you learned this already just because he says he will doesn't mean he will remind him how many times the SS has let him down it will empower your DS8 to stand up to him.

I say leave him alone. Stop trying to mother him. If his father wants to enable him, let him do it. Let him discipline, let him worry about the lawn.

All you have to be is polite. Let your husband do the rest unless he wants to allow you to have input into the rules.

This comment need no reply. I was in Wal Mart the other day & picked up a pretty decent blouse for $3.00 on clearance. They also had some 49er windbreakers for $5.00. There are bargains out there and I have gotten nice nike shoes for under $20.00. It's not 'common' to find these bargains, but also not unheard of.

To respond to the plan -

1 - reasonable if all are willing. Never hurt anyone!
2 - "making DH enforce the rules isn't adding much to my credibility with SS - It's almost like SS wants me to be the one to punish him" I think this will backfire. If you are going to have rules I think Dad needs to be the main 'enforcer' off the bat while you support him, and then slowly you may be able to step in. Any other way just makes you a b!t@h in his eyes and nothing will change.
3 - again, DH needs to start him on this one
4 - I like getting straight to the point and I'm not an excuse maker or a sugar coater. If he wants to lie to you, tell him to go take his lies to his dad and walk away.
5 - the long talks are pointless. He will be defensive and you will be wrong, so anything you say will not sink in. Forcing him to be with the family may be positive, or it may be hell on your kids. Best think I could say is to tell him if he can't show respect to the household it's not fair to send him to someone else's, so he needs to stay home and spend small spurts of time with the family with an adult present, and then go to his room without electronics.
6 - totally reasonable to me
7 - may be difficult, but what can it hurt to try?

Good luck. Let us know how it goes.

I used to work for Kohls so I know when to buy certain things. The kids are wearing good clothes & shoes, new clothes/shoes and not cheaply made. I just know where the deals are and not just at Kohls, but at other stores to. The two on the autism spectrum do prefer the Kohls clothes, but that's because they're softer than clothes from other department stores. the bio kids just realize how much I work (sometimes 80 hour weeks - more before we moved here - I had 3 jobs and sometimes literally didn't get to sleep because of my work schedule. The bio kids saw this but SS never did) and they'd rather have me not working and spending time with them than the expensive clothes and shoes.

And I know I have little realization of how most teenagers act. My bio kids are way more sensitive, honest, caring, and aware of how their decisions affect others than most teenagers or kids or even adults.

Apart from not following my rules or listening when I ask him something, SS and I do have a pretty good relationship. He doesn't see me as a b*(^. He does care when I'm hurt (if he realizes it, I don't cry very often). He does want to "protect" me (he insisted I have deer whistles on my car so I don't run into any deer and get in an accident - he worries when I'm sick, etc). He tells me he loves me very regularly. He still gives hugs and kisses to DH and me. As for the other kids, honestly, he is embarassed to be their brother. We live in a very small town and now he's the brother of the kids everyone else makes fun of. He doesn't know how to relate to them and as for taking advantage of them isn't that a natural thing for a kid to do without even realizing it?

This situation is way more complicated than I can convey. I honestly think a large part of it is he doesn't know how to relate to women and he doesn't realize how his actions/choices trickle down and affect everyone else. He thinks the 16 yo doesn't do anything, but I think it's because the things the 16 yo does are things he takes for granted and doesnt' realize someone is doing them. DH & I have spoken to him about it many many times. What I need to find is a way to show him how it affects others, a way to relate to women, and some way to help him relate to the other kids. SS does have a good heart and is a good kid.

That sounds much more balanced -- And I understand how complicated things get with 'sibling' issues. My older son wrestles with protecting, helping, being embarassed by, loving, teaching and resenting his little brother too. He also takes advantage of his brother sometimes, too, in small ways. That is human nature, and is something most older brothers would do to a non-disabled younger sib. So it sounds like the problem is not quite as bad as it sounded at first -- that's encouraging.

When I'm tackling issues with my kids, I generally have the most success if I focus on only ONE goal at a time. I find that with a laundry list of objectives, my attentions are simply too divided to be effective. So if your number one objective is for him to listen to you and do what you say, I imagine you've already developed some pretty good "tools in your toolkit" to deal with that. What worked best for your kids when they were at that stage many years ago?

With mine, I be sure I have their full attention before speaking; I issue my request in short, direct language; then I watch and wait until the child acknowledges and begins to take action. Skimping on any of these three elements voids the whole process. I know that if I simply call out to a kid watching TV in the next room to set the dinner table, the odds of it happening within 5 minutes are about 70% (used to be 10-20%). But if I go into the room, get the kid's attention by name, state the request, and get acknowledgement, I'm up to 99% compliance. (The 1% failure is for when I agree to the "Can I do it at the next commercial?" request and then they forget.)

One book that's absolutely fabulous is "How to Talk so Your Kids will Listen and How to Listen so Your Kids will Talk" -- Can't recommend it highly enough.

"Apart from not following my rules or listening when I ask him something, SS and I do have a pretty good relationship."
I think that's the most important part...
I'm not sure how you should deal with your situation, but I just want to comment that behavior problems from an otherwise good kid, are not insurmountable. My 9yo FSS has severe ADHD and a host of bad behaviors, but he's got a big heart, and that makes it worth it the "trouble".
Look for the good in your SS, try to figure out how to lure out that good, and make it outshine the bad.
I know this is hippie-dippie-trippie advice, but oh well.