Phone calls and excessive worry

16 years ago

I'll keep it short. We had SD for the weekend. The afternoon we were supposed to return her (for the night, and get her back the next day) she got a phone call from BM. Evidently BM had a stomachache and went to ER. But called SD and got her all stressed and worried instead of calling DH or myself. SD ended up staying an extra night with us; which could have been wonderful, except SD was a wreck because she thought her mom was going to die and we actually had plans that night, so it ended up with her freaking on the couch for hours and the evening completely ruined.

Tell me, who calls their 10 year old to say they are going to the hospital? Why not just call the adults and say what is going on so the kid isn't worried?

I finally took the phone away (again!) and said I'd talk to mom. Every time she got on the phone with SD the call ended with SD a little ball of nerves. Then moms "best friend"... some guy... got on the phone and he wanted to talk to SD. I told him I didn't want anyone freaking her out, but gave the phone to her because he was acting as if I was keeping her from her mom. Surprise surprise... he had nothing good to say, and she got off crying. And the next day (that we were supposed to have her again) she was completely a wreck as well and ended up getting "sick" herself.

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Comments (6)

sylviatexas1
16 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
I think people who do this kind of thing do it because they love the reaction;
they get a great deal of satisfaction from the emotion they can stir up (I must be pretty powerful, I just made my daughter cry herself sick over me).

& I always think the best thing to do about disfunction & abuse is to arm the victims;

let them know what's actually going on & let them know how to disengage.

If her dad can do it without giving her something to defend ("it wasn't her fault mom had to go to the hospital"), he might let daughter know that the drama that swirls around her mother isn't real & that it's always a good idea to stop & think before reacting or responding to something someone says, be that person family, friend, or car salesman.

I wish all of you the best.
finedreams
16 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
this is crazy, does SD live close by now, did they move? dad used to stay in a hotel to go see SD? if they moved, good news she is close by, but now you'll deal with phone calls. don't know what's worse kid far away or crazy ex close by. crazy.
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BM told the courts we (meaning I) don't allow her to talk to her children ... so after that we granted free access to a phone to call mom don't care what time it is ... she pays for their cell phones ... she bought one for SD for christmas. So here we have a cycle of phones ringing if mom wants to talk to her children ... house phone, 3 kids cell phones, and hubby's cell phone ... she calls them in a circle until someone answers one time.... I was sick as a dog and the last thing on my mind was taking a phone with me into the bathroom .... she called the house, hubby's cell, and 2 kids phones consecutively for almost a half hour hubby was outside with the 2 of the kids doing stuff in the yard.. i yelled for them to answer the phone mom's calling ... no one heard a phone ringing ... finally it stopped .... 15 minutes later the ringing started again ... at this point i picked up the phone and said unless ss14 is on fire stop calling here! She said he's not on fire but I want to talk to my babies!!!! I hung up the phone. The police showed up, had to explain to the officer that I was spewing liquid out of every orafice of my body and that hubby and the children were not in the home to answer her calls ... showed him how many times she had called EACH phone. She called again while he was here this time the house phone. He answered the phone and told her everything was fine and the children were fine did she need anything else ... she needed to talk to her children he told her your children are outside playing they will call you when they come in. SS14 broke his cell phone on purpose .... 2 months ago .... he doesn't want another one ... what 14 yr old wouldn't want a cell phone he has had it since he was 11 mind you ..... he can't stand how his mom bugs him all the time calling him constantly so he told her he doesn't want a new phone ... i gave him an old one of mine which he really likes he refuses to bring it to mom's to have it turned on .... this way she can't bug him .... So LH until SS gets tired of the phone calls you just have to deal.... he needs to tell her i'll call you and your hubby needs to set her straight ... no clue how my hubby never could .... I totally agree it interupts his time with the kids and undermines anything you are doing with them and its a distraction ... but see your hubby is not the one getting the phone calls .... When SD was seeing a counselor who told me she can't really talk to her mom that much on the phone .... told her ok I will leave a message on your phone everytime she calls mom and another when she gets off the phone .... did it for a week .... the counselor told mom there has to be a better way to deal with this than being on the phone constantly. So thinking your hubby needs a call everytime mom's calls just to interupt his day .... When the house phone rings now ... unless one of the kids answers it it goes to voicemail.... I do not even look at hubby's phone to see who is calling.... kids phone are on vibrate while here and if they are talking to mom they have to go in their rooms. SD isn't allowed to bring her cell phone to school ... so mom drops it off here when SD is here so SD can have it if she needs it. she's 11. I see it as a control issue ... mom gets to control the kids and dad's relationship even when they are here.
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I still do phone calls occasionally with my siblings (I used to talk about nothing for HOURS on the phone with my now deceased Mom.) But with the grandkids & adult kids, no one wants the hassle of writing or checking e-mail, so we text. A LOT. And I get kept in the loop with them all via tiny snippets of their lives. Like my DD texting me that they were at a carnival & DSIL won a giant stuffed animal they were going to give to one of the dogs to "play" with (he destroys EVERYTHING.) She woudln't have called to tell me that. Or composed an e-mail. Or when DDIL texted me when I was in the mall about the flight schedule they could book & would that be ok for me to come stay with the grandkids. Texting is so much more right now (for those of us without I-phones) than e-mail. And the BONUS (over phone calls) is that you get a permanent record (like the flight days, times) which sometimes the phone call memory doesn't come through with.
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lovehadley
16 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
"Tell me, who calls their 10 year old to say they are going to the hospital? Why not just call the adults and say what is going on so the kid isn't worried?"

SS's BM does!

The woman goes to the hospital seriously every other day when she is pregnant.

Ok, I'm exaggerating. But really, in all honesty, throughout her pregnancies with her two daughters, she went to the hospital about 8-10 times total. Maybe a little more.

And yes, each time, she would call and talk to SS and say "Mommy's having contractions, the baby might be coming tonight, please pray she doesn't, it's too early" and he'd stress/worry/etc. With her last pregnancy, at 5 wks she had an u/s and they didn't see a heartbeat--totally normal at that gestational age. Of course the woman just HAD to tell SS---"Mommy has a baby in her tummy but it might not live." For crying out loud.

A.) WHY tell your 7 year old that you are pregnant when you're only 5 weeks along???
B.) When you have a super early u/s like that, and OB says come back in 2 weeks for a better look, then we;ll know more...WHY do you have to tell your child you have a baby inside and it might not live?

UGHHH.

Given the fact that she is a total hypochondriac and not once did her doctor EVER put her on bedrest or anything of the sort, I'd say all her hospital trips were all pretty unwarranted.

Another example---SS had been having headaches this past spring. DH & I thought it was from being carsick b/c frequently he'd complain of it in the car. I get migraines and they seemed migraine-ish to me in that it would hit him, usually late in the day, and then he'd rest for a few hours, and be better.

But BM thought it good to take him to the pediatrician and DH (and myself) totally agreed. If it were my DD, that's what I'd do. So BM took him and the ped. also thought they could be migraines or sinus related. Changed his allergy meds. to see if that would help.

This was not good enough for BM. She insisted on taking SS to the neurologist and was INSISTING he needed a CAT scan. The neurologist told her it was unnecessary and, frankly, harmful. He said he did NOT want to expose SS to that amount of radiation at this point in time. He also said they seemed like migraines and prescribed a daily preventative for SS to take.

Two weeks went by and BM never filled the prescription! DH finally got mad and demanded she give him the script so he could fill it. I mean, why go to ALL THAT and then not do what the doctor says?

I will tell you why. Because BM is an attention-seeker and she likes drama. Not saying she WANTED SS to have a tumor or something, but once she heard it wasn't anything serious, she "lost interest."

But DH and I both thought---HEY--we need to SEE if this migraine preventative works---because if it DOESN'T, then the situation needs to be further evaluated. Which, I think, was the doctor's point in saying "let's try the migraine preventatives and see how things go."

Anyway, thankfully, SS has been fine since...but geez....

Sorry to hijack Silver!

I can so relate to the hypochondriac/freak out type mom who sucks her child into her drama. What ended up being wrong with SD's mom, anyway?
And you're right, it is unfortunate b/c it could have been a fun bonus night for you guys, but of course her wacky mom had to stick her claws in and make it DRAMATIC.
sweeby
16 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
This is SO annoying! And it really is a bid for attention on the part of the hyper-dramatic parent.

When older DS was being tested for ADHD and learning disabilities (a g a i n), he was meeting with the psychologist to take about 3 hours worth of paper and pencil tests. He was 10 or 11 at the time. Didn't want to do it, naturally, but also not hysterical, scared, freaked out... So I bring him to the psych's office (where he'd been before), tell him that if it's OK with him, I'm going to run some errands while he's taking his tests, and that I've got my cell phone with me if he has any questions or needs anything.

He's being taken from the waiting room into the testing area when in rushes Dad -- to the rescue! "Oh Baby, it's going to be all right. You don't have anything to worry about and I'm going to be here the whole time! It's just a couple of tests, and I'm sure they're not going to find anything wrong! You're perfectly fine! And I'm going to be right here whenever you need me!" You should have seen the Dr's eyes roll -- Anyway, now DS starts to wonder if it's a much bigger deal than I've presented it to be. You can clearly see the confusion on his face, then the start of anxiety creeping in. I just told him some paper and pencil tests, no big deal -- but here's Dad, clearly scared to death... I could have shook him!
mattie_gt
16 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
lovehadley: Mommy has a baby in her tummy but it might not live !!! That is just so sick.

I cannot even imagine what is going through people's minds to do this to a child. BM talked to SS a couple years ago right before Thanksgiving, and told him that she hoped he had a good day; Mommy didn't have any money and didn't know if she'd even get to eat Thanksgiving dinner. We were livid. Besides the fact that there was no mention of this apparent starvation before or after that one single day, she lived in the same town as all of her family (where, of course, she went for dinner - same as every other year.) SS had been so excited about getting to spend the day playing with cousins, etc. and suddenly he went to "Sigh. I hope Mommy is OK and gets something to eat."
finedreams
16 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
nothing to eat? starving? I would give her a call and say i heard you are starving, we'll send you some bread. stupid woman.

Phone calls and excessive worry

Comments (6)

sylviatexas1

finedreams

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lovehadley

sweeby

mattie_gt

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