I agree that the difference might not seem an obstacle early on, but could easily become one later, as the older partner's health and energy levels decline. My DH is three years older than I am. We've been married 48 years. Even with that little age difference, we had some 'adjusting' to do when he took early retirement! LOL There is *no way* I am physically able today to do what I did when we building a new house twelve years ago, but I had no clue about that then, and I really can't guess how I'll feel in another five or ten years! Since then I've had two hip replacements, a staghorn calculus removed, and a third sinus surgery. I am SO grateful to have a healthy and supportive DH, and to be able to be of support to him! Yes, we share the same 'history', although he remembers a little more about WWII than I do. Our HS and college years overlap. We were of similar ages experiencing world events, and we hum the same 'golden oldies'. It's amazing to me that I never looked at 'older women' and thought anything about BECOMING one!

Hey Mojo...okay, I can't help it, but I'm laughing - not because I don't take your predicament seriously (I do!), but because of the fact that you've told your story with such disarming honesty. Some say that women are more inherently relational - that the details of people's lives that seem ridiculous to guys matter greatly to women because their antennae are more naturally attuned to relationships and their issues. Case in point - look at this website! You, posting on the marriage forum as a man, are probably in the minority. Most guys, I'm guessing, don't give a rip about the marital issues of people they don't even know. But we gals...oh yeah. That said, I don't know if I have great answer for you. If your wife is sharing what she does because that's just who she is, you could try to negotiate how it goes a la some of the suggestions above. If you think she's being passive aggressive and doing it to intentionally make you angry, there's something deeper you'll need to explore. Nevertheless, your question reminds me of the following excerpt from "Dave Barry's Complete Guide to Guys," one of THE funniest books I've ever read. My husband and I can practically quote it chapter and verse. I hope you enjoy it: "Contrary to what many women believe, it's fairly easy to develop a long-term, stable, intimate, and mutually fulfilling relationship with a guy. Of course this guy has to be a Labrador retriever. With human guys,it's extremely difficult. This is because guys don't really grasp what women mean by the term relationship. Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else. And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?" And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of. And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months. And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person? And Roger is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . let's see . . .February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the odometer . . . Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here. And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected. And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. Wha cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600. And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure. And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty.That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs. And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy. And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll take their warranty and ...................... "Roger," Elaine says aloud. "What?" says Roger, startled. "Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have . . . Oh, I feel so..." (She breaks down, sobbing.) "What?" says Roger. "I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse." "There's no horse?" says Roger. "You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says. "No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer. "It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time," Elaine says. (There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.) "Yes," he says. (Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.) "Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says. "What way?" says Roger. "That way about time," says Elaine. "Oh," says Roger. "Yes." (Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.) "Thank you, Roger," she says. "Thank you," says Roger. Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.) The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either. Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"

This will be a bit off-topic because it's about college education and how kids get the most out of it. Honestly, I think THE major factor affecting how much a kid values/gets from a college education is whether the kid is READY for one. I first went off to college at 18, by the book, like I was supposed to, in a situation that was an "in-between", money-wise. My mom & stepfather, my dad (but not his GF) and I all split the cost of my college expenses 3 ways, which seems very fair to me (and btw it never occured to me to resent GF not chipping in, but of course it did occur to her to resent my dad helping me). I always had a part-time job throughout school of at least 20 hrs a week. All in all, I think this arrangement was fair and ideal, because a kid DOES need to start learning how to chip in and take on work responsibilities, juggle tasks, etc. And parents *who can afford* to help with college absolutely should because there was no way I could have done all of it on my own. No way, and this was over a decade ago, before the standard-of-living/consumption reached the levels of over-the-top luxury for kids that it's at now (I work at a major university, so I see a vast difference between then and now: 18-yr-olds driving brand new expensive cars, getting plastic surgery for graduation, highest-end laptops & ipods, absurdly well-apointed GATED collegiate apartments, you name it... outrageous). But I'm just talking about BASIC, decent levels of safe & comfortable living. I got plenty of help from my parents, AND consistently worked at least 20 hours a week and scraped by both financially and educationally. Wasn't so smart about finances, had no sense of long-term future consequences for certain youthful mistakes, etc... many 18-year-olds don't. I did pretty poorly in college at that point... but I can't really say it was because of either TOO MUCH nor TOO LITTLE help from my parents. As I said, the arrangement we had was in my opinion about as ideal as it could have been in terms of fairness, realistic expense considerations and me taking on a *healthy* (reasonable) amount of financial responsibility. I dropped out after a few years. Then went to work full-time for a few years, working hard, scraping by but not exactly climbing the golden ladder. I woke up one day and decided to go back to school, decided on a major based on what I now knew I liked after living a bit longer, having more experiences, etc. and got virtually straight A's. Main difference was instead of doing school full-time and working part-time, it was reversed. And I'm lucky that my university offers free tuition for its employees, which I naturally have taken advantage of. Many of you might say that now that I was funding it all myself I was more motivated to do better. But I don't think that's REALLY it. I feel bad that I initially wasted the money my parents helped me with, first go-round with college. But they are all now extremely proud of me for going back and doing so well and neither has any regrets or disappointment about the money (well, except Dad's GF, of course, even though none of it was hers...) I really think the main factor is being ready for college, and with some kids that's right away and for some they may take more time deciding on something that they care enough about to give the necessary devotion. So I guess my point is, step or bio, the kid should really be ready. It's not *impossible* for them to find their own way to succeed if it's important enough to them, given enough years of sacrifice and toil, but if they're really ready for college and especially if they show it by doing well, then if a parent can afford to help, it's a worthwhile investment that helps kids tremendously. If the kid doesn't want to go, or is conflicted, or has no idea what they want to do, and then goes to college and does poorly... then if I was a parent I would say, not punishingly or angrily: "maybe now's not the time for you and college... But if/when you demonstrate that you're really ready for it, I am more than willing to help you." In general, whatever it is (college or trade or their own small business), if they know what they want and demonstrate ability & responsibility to do it, they ought to be helped with those extra funds that it seems to always take, here and there, to fully succeed.

M Enjoyed your post too, congrats on navigating thru all these years and coming out on top!!! However, I have to disagree with no. 2 on your list..That if the Sks don't want it to work, it wont....Solid marriage here in spite of one of mine, and one of his disapproving...I think its because both of us are in charge of our lives, not our kids...I always remember the poster here who said "There may be problems around us, but not between us"..We are in it for the long haul, with or without their approval...Again, congrats on a happy success story!!!!