Wow, poor timing all around. But then again, he's your kid--there's no such thing as timing. You most assuredly SHOULD be spending time--as much as possible--with your son.

Now how does ex-wife #2 feel about your son coming live with you? That could be another sticking point. There's NO WAY that my husband's ex-wife would let their 2 children live with us. AND, do you really want to bring your son to live with you if your current wife is not interested in being a step parent? If mom's doing a reasonably good job taking care of him, then I would have to say that bringing him to live with you isn't the best idea.

No, absolutely not, I would NOT have anymore children at this point. You have to get your current situation worked out BEFORE you bring anymore people into it.

You have consider what YOU want, now you must consider what is BEST FOR YOUR SON. That is a much harder to discern sometimes. We all want things, but as a parent you have to act in the best interest of the child. You might want him to come live with you, but then he loses his full time mom and is placed into the care of a resentful stepmother. I don't see how that can be good for your current marriage--let alone for your son. And I say this with the assumption that his mother is doing an okay job of raising him. If she isn't, that's another story.

Sounds like it's time for your wife to grow up. You had kids. She knew it. Timing is of ABSOLUTELY NO IMPORTANCE. He's a child not some package dropped off by Fed Ex.

I agree that I would not have the boy move in with you and your wife IF the child is being cared for at your ex's house properly. And by this I mean that he is being emotionally cared for and nurtured, not abused. There may be totally different standards of living between the two households, and that's acceptable. I'm curious to know if the mom is a good mother.

It may take longer for you to bond this way, with your son, but if you take the boy away from his mother, that relationship deteriorates too.

It's not fair to the boy to be placed with a stepmom who is not prepared to care for him. That will break up your marriage and traumatize your son. You will have that much harder of a time raising the boy on your own. If you are committed to your marriage, your wife should be your priority. She could be more mature and accepting and make accomodations for your son, too. I don't know if you should throw her into the role of expecting her to do things on her own with him, just yet. This must be a major upheaval to her.

My ex goes an okay job of looking after my son, she spoils him and often enough he gets his way. We had to reduce the time with my son to every other week for 2 nights to just one night because he; misses him home, mother and Im sure that he is still try to find his footing in my life with his new family. I am disappointed but I dont want to force him to do anything that hes not ready for (my wife was right with this concern in the very beginning, although this had to be explored rather than just told to me). My ex is okay with having him live with me, she basically came to her senses and realized that my son needs to know his father.

Message to olive_2006: Im confused with your reply, please clarify. I should put my marriage 1st? These are 2 different priorities; to my children and to my wife. Both are equally important to me should a parent push aside his child for the marriage? This is her 1st marriage and she feels the same way and you are also right she believes that this is a major upheaval to her. My 1st feelings are very similar to vivian31s. She new I had children, where is the support and understanding I had in the very beginning? These are my children.

I was also very surprised to learn that she felt this way when a couple years ago (my son and my 1st daughter were not in the country) she asked me if I would consider fostering a child. I also felt that there was a double standard because her parents were living with us for 6 months out of the year that could develop into a full time commitment (does anyone else see the similarities?).

I see them, loud and clear. My mother lived with my husband and I for 1 1/2 years before she died. We worked it out.

Sounds to me like your wife did not totally understand the situation of you having kids when you decided to get married. She probably figured that the kids would continue to be out of the country and that she would never have to deal with them. Perhaps she wasn't 100% truthful when she voiced her support. I don't know. Regardless, it doesn't really matter what she thinks at ths point. Doesn't really matter how she feels. You have a responsibility to your son. Her feelings/your kid. That's a choice I think that you're going to have to make. You wouldn't have to ask me twice. A woman who would stand between a man and his son is no woman. That's immature and self-centered child-like behavior.

Time for you to man up. I don't think that you're going to make everybody happy. These are hard decisions, but you're going to have to stand up to your wife. And as long as you're not neglecting her or your youngest child, spending as much time with your son as you can is a no-brainer.

In response to your question on wife vs. child and the priority they should take, this is a very difficult and sensitive matter. Many people have different opinions on it. Here is what I mean by my thought that your wife should come first

Whn you are in a marriage, the best thing that you can do for your kids is set the example of a strong, stable and happy relationship. I grew up in a stepfamily and it was very clear to the five stepchildren involved, between my dad and stepmom, that his first priority was with her. This did not mean that we were not cared for or were neglected in any way! But anything that had the potential to come between them or add unreasonable stress to their marriage (including having kids move from mom or dad's house in with them when they had a full load of kids already) was not accepted. Although it meant we did not always get our way, we grew up respecting my parents and their relationship. Seeing their strong, united front taught all of us to better handle our own relationships when we were older. They have been together for 20 years and the hardest part of all of this has been handling the blended family. Where I have seen other marriages fail, it has been clear that they stand together and treat each other's needs as a first priority- before the kids, before anyone else in the family. This is just as you see in many, many stable marriages.

If your child is doing well with his mother, and having him move in with you will benefit you personally, but cause upheaval in your marriage, you are setting an unbalanced example of how a healthy marriage functions. It seems like in today's world of divorce, this is one of the most common ways family priorities are being reversed to center on the kids rather than the marriage. Sure, kids have needs- different and often more demanding than a spouse. But confusing true needs of the kids vs. committment to your spouse is sure to create chaos.

Your child will grow up to have his own relationships, but if you are committed to your marriage, you will spend the remainder of your days with your wife. Her happiness should be as important as your own and will provide a solid foundation for your son to learn from. Harming your marital stability will hurt your son more than you know.

With that said, I agree wholeheartedly that she should not stand in the way of your relationship with your son. She should encourage and accomodate this relationship to the best of her ability. Since this is her first marriage, she is bound to feel robbed of some of your attention and some amount of jealousy. She is obviously not ready to have him move in with you, so I hope you don't force that on her. Sometimes having a good relationship with a child is possible regardless of where the child lives. But I hope she will come to a middle ground with you. She has responsibilities in this marriage too. You should not be choosing between her and your child. If it is a matter of your child truly suffering for her decisions, then there are issues between you and your wife that need to be resolved, and that child's well-being should be a top priority. Your child needs you more at times and in ways that she does not.
Accomodating these needs of your child does not mean you have to push her aside either, and vice versa. In a healthy marriage, you should not feel that you have to choose between her and your kids.

So, the complicated answer, and this is my opinion, is that you should NOT push aside your child for your wife. However, you should stand with your wife on these decisions and not force her to do something that will break up your marriage. Give her some time and ask her to come to a middle ground with you that will allow you to show your child what a stable marriage consists of. It sounds like your ex does not exhibit behaviors that are abusive or harmful to the son, and it seems awfully young to tear him out of his mom's household.

I hope this works out for you. By the way, it does seem like a double standard that her parents are living with you 6 months out of the year. That must also be a burden on your marriage and one she may be pushing on you unfairly. If it bothers you, set your foot down and tell her that this also feels like an uncalled for intrusion in your life too. But if it's not, the two issues are completely separate.

I am in somewhat the same position as your wife, although my husband's daughter is nearly 40 but still requires (demands) a lot of attention. He consistently puts her demands ahead of my feelings. He sneaks around behind my back giving her money, etc. He belittles or ignores my good nature and accomplishments, but rewards her drunkeness and disrespectful tirades against him. Now, I realize your issues with your son don't involve bad behaviour on your son's part (at least, you haven't mentioned anything like that) but here's my point: I know my husband can't give up his relationship with his daughter (just as you cannot give up your relationship with your son), no matter what kind of trouble-maker she is. But if he ever sat me down, took my hand, looked me in the eye and, with conviction and love, told me that I was his top priority in life and that he knows how difficult this situation must be for me, but that he's asking for my patience and support in this matter, I would feel completely different about our situation. If, the next time we get a call from his drunken daughter hurling expletives and telling him what a bad father he is but can he pay her rent this month, if he just turned to me and said, "oh my God, here we go again. I know how much you hate this, I do too, but I've got to handle this..." I would feel ACKNOWLEDGED. It wouldn't change my feelings about her, but I would feel less insecure where my marriage is concerned, and would be less likely to build up resentment towards them both.

Now that I've rambled, my advice echoes olive 2006: make it very clear to your wife that she is a priority. Spell it out to her! "Honey, this change in our lifestyle must be very unsettling for you. It's a big change for me, as well. But you need to know that I consider our marriage the most important relationship in my life and would like to bring my son into this family so that we can show him what a stable, loving family is. And I need and want you to be there." If, however, your wife still won't budge, you have a problem. But if she's a reasonable woman who has simply been insecure where your son is concerned, just acknowledging her feelings and re-iterating your commitment to her, should help her feel strong enough in your marriage to co-parent lovingly and willingly.

Thanks very much all of you for your time and helpful thoughts! I'm very glad to have found this site, so many different opinions and all are valid. Honestly I have to say I agree with vivian, but olive_2006 and wifey have given me another insightful thoughts (that I haven't tried). We have other relationship issues to resolve and I get insecure (having been divorced before) if this marriage will work out or not. So it would hurt me deeply to bring another baby into our situation and then end up apart.

Message to wifey & olive_2006 is it time to have a baby at this time?

Hogixp, I have been in a similar situation with stepchildren that your wife is in. The step children are older, but wanted to come to live with us. One had lived with us prior, then moved out and wanted to come back a year later to live. The other one was living else where and then came to live with us. In both cases it added alot of stress onto our marriage. I agreed both times to allow it, however, it put alot of unhappiness into our marriage. I feel I aged because of the stress. We often disagreed on the raising of his children. My DH often forgot to ask my opinion regarding his children on matters that did effect my life in our home. Bio mom will not let the children live with her, they can just visit once in awhile. The children are now adults but one continues to want to live with us. He often does things that upset me and are disrespectful. DH does not see these things or just ignores them. These are not my children and they do not acknowledge I am a person with feelings. I would advise you not to bring your son into a home where your wife has expressed her feelings of not wanting him there. You would only cause problems for your marriage and unhappiness for your son. Start out slow, have your son visit with prior approval from your wife. Include her in every decision you make regarding your son, explain how your love her alot, tell her your needs for your son, how you want to be close to him, and tell it from your heart. Make sure your son respects your wife. You and your wife should discuss what rules will be set down for your son and both of you stick to them. Always support your wife on all matter concerning your son. Make sure your son knows your wife is in charge in your home. Have a strong partnership and your kids will be happy. If it works out with short visits then lengthen them, with wife's approval. I would not have anymore children until you have this sitiuation worked out fully. Best of luck.

Message to sunnygardenerme, olive_2006 and wifey: It just dawned on me as I have been re-reading your emails. Do any of you have children of your own? and or have been in my situation? Reason: if you don't have any children you are sometimes removed from the parental or maternal instinct to stick with your children no matter what happens.

I do want all of you to know that I am going to try it your way, tell her that I love her and that our relationship is most important and give it 6 months to see what happens... I'm doubtful though she will respond with this added confidence, we have other issues going on and I should also join another forum to seek other advice.

Hogixp, regarding your question about kids, I would not have a baby right now with all of these issues until you start to get some resolution. I think you know in your heart you are not ready.

No, I do not have any children, but I will in one month! My first baby is due to arrive soon. I already love her so much that I can almost not imagine loving another human being like her. So, I understand your parental instinct. If it is this strong while a child is still kicking me in the belly, I can only imagine how you must feel. I feel compelled to protect her against anything that might make her life less than perfect, and you must be the same way with your son.

I am in a happy relationship with a divorced man with 2 children and we are trying to work out our custody arrangements with his ex wife that will allow him more time at home and not traveling constantly to visit the 2 out of state children. He has harbored guilt over their divorce which he has overcompensated for by focusing so much on his children that some aspects of our relationship have suffered (see Mom-to-be if you are interested). I can tell you, that although the situation is not identical, there are some similarities between yours and mine, as far as what the priorities have to be in a relationship for it to work (the marriage must come first!).

This has worked for us: The past few days, as we talked about these matters, he has made it clear to me that our relationship is his priority- and I did not pressure him to say this. I know he would never neglect his kids for my benefit and I would not expect him to. But knowing how important I am to him, his words have meant so much to me that I have thought of new ways to be more involved with his kids. I am gladly entertaining any options that will bring us all closer together as a family. Had he not been so supportive to let me know where I stand, I doubt I would be very willing to take steps in his direction. I feel he is truly committed to me. He has asked my advice on his kids and respected my suggestions, told me that I am a good stepmom and my opinion means alot. I feel like a huge cloud is lifted off of my shoulders.

I hope this works out for you- the best of luck to you! I believe you have a good chance and your son is lucky to have someone who loves him. Listening to your wife and giving validity to her feelings, including her in decisions, should really help.

I can't wait to hear how things turn out for you!

Hi hogixp! No, I don't have children, and believe me, I always question whether or not I have any right to judge a parent's parenting techniques or a parent's blind devotion to his/her child. I know I am biased because I didn't have parents who ever put me first: their spouses and lovers always came first, but not in a healthy way. This affected me in the sense that while my parents were gazing into yet another lover's eyes, I was being neglected and often abused (not just emotionally, but was not being fed or even spoken to--at the age of 7 or 8 I could go a week without seeing any adult other my teacher). You would think that today, as an adult, I would feel that putting a spouse first was completely wrong! But it depends on how you do it.

My oldest friend had a father and step-mother who put their marriage first. They were a team. The children knew that the parents were in control, together. The children did not control the household with demands and tantrums and trying to pit one parent against the other. Children's piano lessons and soccer practices were not the sole focus of these parents' lives. Mom and Dad's needs and time alone together came first. The children's basic needs were met, and met lovingly, ie: they were loved and shown affection, they were well- fed and taken care of, and disciplined accordingly. Because these parents were in love and showed it, and because they worked as a team and therefore never gave their children mixed and/or contradictory messages, their kids grew up with a healthy respect for AUTHORITY and MARRIAGE, not to mention good old-fashioned respect for their parents (remember those days?) and adults in general.

I am certainly "removed", as you say, from the "maternal instinct to stick with your children no matter what happens". I understand it in theory, have witnessed it second-hand, but have never and will never have the priviledge to experience it first-hand. But I know this devotion to one's children is perfectly natural and more than reasonable, especially if they are young. As long as this devotion is matched by the amount of devotion shown- openly, so the children witness it- to a spouse (who deserves it- there are plenty of unreasonable, demanding spouses out there who don't, and maybe your wife is one of them, but you have to give her a chance).

As far as having another child right now, NO WAY! It would be a sin to create a flesh-and-blood human being as an experiment to fix a troubled marriage. Have you read the statistics on marriage and the two biggest pressures on married couples? Money and children! Children put a lot of strain on SOLID marriages! What do you think would happen to a SHAKEY marriage? Please don't bring another baby into this world saddled with the expectations that little he/she can fix your marriage.

I, too, wish you all the best in trying to rectify this situation. Your children are lucky to have a father who is trying so hard to do the right thing. I hope, for your sake and your children's sake, that your wife can be reassured that she is the most important person in your life, but she should know that the children could very well usurp her in that department if she doesn't show some maturity and flexibility in dealing with your son. Good luck! You're a good guy...

Thank you wifey for your honest thoughts! Please read my new posting, I think you'll be of great assistance. Room Identity For Natural Son