Sovra (and Talley Sue), Your point is well taken. I would never hurt my MIL, which is why in fact I haven't ever told her of the humiliating experiences I've had with two of her sons. (They however, have no problem sharing their feelings.) We spend a lot of time with her individually, picking her up and taking her home in a town which is three hours from here; Respectfully listening, while she talks about her favorite subjects which are her grandchildren, whom we've never been allowed to have a relationship with. I remember a conversation where my SIL said to her young son in front of us, ''Be nice to them, they might give you money some day.'' Inheritance/entitlements have always been a big topic of her conversations. My dh gives his mom extra money to live on every month, which no one knows about. Knowing how I feel about weddings (from many former soul-sucking wedding experiences where I have been used/abused in the past), my MIL knew I attended this wedding out of respect for her. We have shown up for the rest of the family, who have never called us directly and ignored us when we got there (which required a six hour drive and hotel stay every time.) One brother brings a ''friend'' every time he comes, who is a little brother substitute, because he is willing to be used if he can be included. In fact, he brought him to the wedding, even though he wasn't invited! One BIL made rude fu gestures to me at their dad's funeral, because I had a light hearted moment with his daughter while trying to fix our hair. This is the same one (who needed hearing aids at the time) who ''heard'' me say I thought their uncle was ignorant when what I actually said was I thought he was elegant. I completely understand this is a reflection on who he is, and not really about me. I don't have a mean streak, but I do sometimes tell people the truth (which I don't have a need to do always, especially when it doesn't change anything.) Sometimes it's truly best to say nothing at all. Neither am I passive aggressive, which is a common trait among those I get to deal with. My SIL hadn't attended a family function for six years, and I've shown up (to be abused) far more than she has. No, I can easily say with a clear heart this isn't the case. What's funny is my family may have treated me badly at times in the past (which happens in families), but they wouldn't even consider hurting my dh. ''He's a Prince'' is what I've heard for 27 years and he is highly respected. Some people are respectful, and others just believe ''It's All About ME(Them).'' What I believe is important is to maintain a relationship with my MIL, but what's good for her fantasy of her ideal family life, isn't good for anyone else, any longer. At some point you have to Just Say No.

I once had an elderly relative who I would visit occasionally. We were not close. She was my grandfather's sister and I didn't meet her until I was in my 20s. Whenever I did see her she would make some comment about how long it had been since the last phone call/visit. It didn't make it fun to see her to be reminded that I had been remiss. I would lay off anything that is remotely guilt-trip-like including comments about broken dialing fingers, etc. They aren't amusing if the relationship is the least bit strained. Do drop the phone from your plan as scheduled. Give him another notice the day before that as of tomorrow the service will end. It only takes a day to get another phone. You may not have the number any longer, however! As for how he treats you and speaks to you. Be direct be clear. Not the same as a guilt trip. I have been through this with my kids. They are not permitted to snarl at me or ignore me or treat me like an ATM machine and short order cook. I have told them how this makes me feel. That it is hurtful. I once left my 12 year old daughter at a horse show (she had a ride home) after being given the bum's rush everytime I came over to where she was. I explained that I didn't like being treated like an annoyance unless she wanted money. Since she seemed too occupied with her friends to eat with me or talk to me, I was going home. I left in tears while she stood there crying and begging me to stay. She got it. Since then she has almost always been very thoughtful aobut my presence at one of her shows. One thing I learned as a mom and an employee and as a woman was how to say no. When I wore myself out trying to do everything for everyone (and nothing for myself) no one was happy or appreciative. Once I defined boundaries, said no if it was a burden or too costly or I was tired, my family and others became far more appreciative of those things I am willing and able to do. My children thank me for home cooked meals and trips to the mall or rides or having friends over. One thing to remember about saying no (calmly and quietly with no excuses) after everyone being used to you dropping and doing on demand is that they will be surprised and angry. Trust me, it will pass. In it's place will be new respect and appreciation. Really!

Momof5 .. my SS13 literally leans over my shoulder (he is a couple inches taller than me) to see what I am making .... they parade through the kitchen while I am making dinner .... now they "have to" wave at me as they pass me parade style.... if they come into the kitchen a 3rd time and ask when will it be ready ... they know they have to set the table ... SS13 will ask what we are having so he knows how many of everything to get ... setting the table is a big process ...but its something he enjoys ... to make it big process we eat "family style" so everything needs its own utensil little bowls water glasses milk glasses... it ends up being more dishes for me to do ... but he also helps me with the dishes. A little over a year ago he and I used to butt heads constantly and he never talked to me unless he was yelling at me. He still gives his dad the one word answers but with me he doesn't stop... Just be happy your SC are not screaming at ya ... not talking is better than screaming. Doing all this keeps him occupied and it gets him talking with me about ingredients he loves to bake ... so when he is asking me whats for dinner I return the question with what's for dessert? Ever think to show him how to make monkey bread? My SS13 has been baking since he was 10. When he was 11 asked me how to make mashed potatoes and other meals he could make at his mom's house (she doesn't cook) so he can make many meals because he pays attention in the kitchen. What did you learn today? nothing... I should become a teacher then make all that money for "nothing" How was your day? good! what made it good? We also do theme dinners once a month and the kids have to come up with the theme...plan the menu, do shopping list... I used one of those 8x10 acrylic photo frames with the foot ... and printed something online showing table manners and on the other side it had conversation starters every week or so we inserted "new questions" ...different themes to pick from... you can find a lists and lists of "dinner conversation starters" online ... When is dinner going to be done??? when you are going to start making it? He'll either go away or help you. I started the baking with him because he was "hating math" ... so I would take recipes and when it called for a cup of sugar I changed it to say 4 1/4 cups of sugar Portion control on a box says 4oz. how much is 4oz. we had a diet scale and took him to a restaurant supply store to buy portion control serving utensils. 4oz ladles etc. We also incorporated science ... with baking powder we made cookies with out it and with it to see the difference.

"Just wait until you have to pack up all that crap and move it." My SIL just bought a retirement home so they are decluttering their current house as a preparation for selling it--she keeps telling me she can't believe how much STUFF she's got to get rid of. When I go to their house I always admire how it looks nicely organized and without extraneous things all over. However, I also admire her tons of closets and storage space which she says leads to keeping, you guessed it, all that stuff LOL. I've decided I will play a mental game this summer and pretend we have to move; maybe that will be my motivation to get rid of much unnecessary and unused stuff in our house! I use the holidays and shopping for gifts to satisfy any yen I may have to be a retail hunter/gatherer. The past few years I increasingly feel as if I am gorging myself after staying on a careful and healthy diet; by the time January comes I feel so psychically bloated from all the shopping /buying that I need another year to rest up and recover! It's interesting to me to watch my young adult daughter who is setting up her first home. She loveslovesloves Home Goods, Marshalls, Pier 1 etc. And when I go with her I usually find stuff I could easily buy. I have a rule that I can't take anything from those places home the day I see it. That usually short circuits the purchase, I'm rarely motivated enough to fight the traffic and crowds to go back a second time!