Did she tell your husband that she wants the kids for the school year or did she just tell the kids that she wants them?

My stepdaughters came home after visiting their mom and said that their mom was sad because we wouldn't let her see them more. Since it was news to my husband he called her to ask if she wanted more time to spend with them. She said no, they were bugging her about wanting to see her more and she needed something to say... My husband was upset that she lied to them and made us the bad guys. We discussed it and decided that it was better for us to be the "bad guys" and "not let them see their mom more." It was better for us to appear to be stubborn and hurtful than for them to know that their mom didn't want them. Oh the tangled webs we weave!!!!

she said she wanted them... which in itself is a real laugh given that she has been 'sleeping' at her bfs house every night for the last six months but insists she isnt living there and where she does 'live' is with her mom whose house is to put it very very mild in disrepair and does not even really have enough room for them (there is only one room for the kids to share with no real furniture but a whole lot of trash and so on)

Is she willing to talk to your husband about this matter? She is the custodial parent and that will not change unless your husband goes to court. How strongly do you and your husband feel about this?

There is no question ... he wants his kids with him. He is mostly scared... the likelihood of losing the battle if he takes it to court as opposed to playing her games against her which for the most part has worked thus far... but he is worried... beyond worried. I am too... she has shown no ability to be able to do anything for school etc... now the boys are in football so homework needs to be done directly after school before practice and the oldest has to be at school early for an activity he is in... all of this being on time responsible scheduled is not something she is going to be able to handle at all... I am so worried that all of the good that has happened since I have been working with the boys with school will be undone... basically at this point we are just holding our breath hoping she doesnt go through with it.

How old are the children? Do they want to live with their mom?

Does she know what is involved with having them full-time? She may reconsider when she knows the sheer responsibility level needed added to the fact that if she doesn't perform (odd word but I couldn't find a better one to fit!) the children will be very disappointed and she will be solely responsible for it.

Here's to holding my breath with you!!

We keep asking her what she is going to do... how does she plan on handling all of it. But, she blows off simple questions like that.... she lives on the other side of town which means like an hour drive from where she 'lives' with boyfriend to football and school... the only way I can even fathom her doing such is pick them up from school ...take them to library to do homework , take them to practice, go home at like 8 at night then do food baths etc.... this all on a woman who as I said didnt do their homework with them when she did have them and there was nothing else to do... they are 10 8 and 6.... if they were to have to choose they would say dad but we still want to see mom.... which is pretty much what they have always said.

Maybe you should wait a bit, see how it plays out and see if she decides to go through with it. Otherwise, if she takes the children, then you have nothing more to lose if you go to court. Even if your husband is denied primary custody then at least he knows that he tried every recourse available. Don't wait too long though. Not only will it look bad on your part (letting the children reside for a long period of time with their mother whom you don't feel is adequate to provide for them) and it will also undermine everything you've tried to establish (homework ethics and extracurricular activities).

I'm not a lawyer, but since they've been with DH and you for a while now, a precedence has been set. You may be able to use that to get the physical custody legally. You can go to the nearest probate court and fill out the papers yourself. There is also sometimes a "lawyer of the week" available in some states, who can assist you witht he paperwork. I would suggest the sooner, the better.

Good point about precedence!! I know it's not fair but if you were to go to court for physical custody and not request child support from her, would she be less likely to fight? Sometimes, although not always, its about the $...

we have no desire to have any child support... in all reality we would be happy if she would sign something saying it is just a straight 50/50 custody with no child support either way....

We have talked about it a lot and we feel it is coming down to she is going to want us to pay her child support when she has the kids for the school year even though all this time we have had them she hasnt paid a dime of anything... I mean even today her daughter called and wanted to spend time with her so she came and picked her up and is letting her spend the night but when the boys got out of school (they are in a summer enrichement program) they called her and she told them no because they have school tomorrow... she could take them to school if she wanted to.

I told him the same thing about the precedence thing... I told him now is the time to bring it up and if necessary take it to court because she has allowed the kids to live with us without problem and this would show in our favor ...

My guess is that the woman would QUICKLY tire of having her kids all the time. I understand your fears, though, as banking on that isn't always a risk we are willing to take when kids are involved.

Sounds like she's way more interested in impressing her bf than she is is being a mother to her own children.

I'd see a lawyer soon if the ex persists. I have a pet peeve about homework and having the children properly clothed, neat and arriving on time at school. Sounds like the ex's priorities don't include any of these things and children of these ages need a lot of supervision w/ homework, etc.

Dana

yeah so do I .... I think most moms do.... pesky little thing making sure the homework is done and kids are bathed and fed.... :-)