"I feel for your SD because it must be crushing to have to relearn all over again that her mom does not care to be involved in her life. It seems that SDs will always give the BM the benefit of the doubt and will forgive and think they might actually come through this time, so it is like a fresh cut each time. SD wants BM to be if not involved at least more interested, and in our case, SD does not know where her rage comes from, but I know it is from not getting the attention from the one person she wants it from the most. I have told DH, I am here - I am the one doing the raising, disciplining, loving (as hard as that can be sometimes), but it does not matter because she needs her mom. Let me clarify, she needs who she wants her mom to be. Her mom talks a good game to SD but getting her to follow through is difficult." EXACTLY!!! Thank you mama22 for sharing. Sylvia~ DH & BM shared 50/50 custody without a court order until SD was in 2nd grade. During that year, BM threatened DH for the umpteenth time that she was going to take SD away & not let him see her because he didn't do what she wanted. I take the blame in sharing my experience in family law... I told him he has RIGHTS but without a court order, she very well could take SD & he had nothing to say he has a right to see her. So, after the third time she threatened him with that, he filed to get his rights on paper. She immediately filed for full custody & child support. (He didn't file anything for child support because if they both have 50/50, they are each supporting her the same... but the issue of support was brought by BM initially) She spent the duration of the battle (about 6 months) telling SD how "daddy is trying to take you away from me" and reassuring her that she won't let that happen. She tried to manipulate the therapist, got SD to tell the therapist that she really wanted to just live with BM... but then SD had no explanation of why. Then three weeks after their trial & DH getting his court order for 50/50, BM moved during DH's week & kinda dropped SD in his lap saying she couldn't take SD with her so she's gonna let him have her "temporarily" and that devastated SD. Within a few months, SD was telling classmates she was moving with BM & saying her goodbyes. BM was telling her how we took her away but that she was going to get her & she was going to go live there with BM. It was all lies. During the first year, BM canceled weekends which only made SD more emotionally upset. We would make plans to do fun stuff to keep her mind off it, but SD would spend the whole time talking about "if my mom was here ______" and though she was in counseling, she refused to open up. Instead, she said what she thought everyone wanted to hear. She got bad about lying to her second counselor, pretending everything in the world was fine... she doesn't NEED counseling. But, all along, BM has been the one keeping it alive. When she would come get SD, she would always (yes, every time) show up hours early & sign her out of school early. SD wasn't doing real well to begin with because of her emotional stuff dealing with BM moving away so suddenly. Finally DH told her she had to let SD finish the day in school because she is falling behind & needs to be there as much as possible. It wasn't convenient for BM to wait around so that's when BM started sending grandma to get her. That was three years ago. DH took BM to court a year later asking that only BM may pick up SD. Grandma was picking her up & taking her to BM (sometimes keeping her instead too) but BM was not giving her much attention, which caused the emotional problems to get worse... so DH figured if he got an order forcing BM to come get her, she would either drive up to get her (showing she cared) or cancel more time, which was kinda what we were hoping. We did not want to ask the court to cut off BM's time because all along, BM has been feeding SD lies that we are just trying to remove her from the picture & that would have seemed true if he tried to cut off BM's time. We've tried involving her in activities so she would rather be here than with BM... none of it has worked. BM has insisted all along, SD will eventually live there. I think SD stopped trying in school because she figured it doesn't matter because she's going to be leaving to go live with mom anyway. As long as BM continues to feed SD lies & false hope with promises, and as long as SD believes (or wants to believe) BM will follow through, it feels as if we are stuck. It seems like SD knows her mom is full of it, but she's not ready to admit it or face it. I think it has been a very slow process but seeing mom have another baby that not only gets to live with her, but since the baby is the string to holding on to the BF, BM appears to dote on him to SD (plus babies need all the attention too). Personally, I think BM schleps him off on others most of the time but doesn't want us to know that so she dotes on him around SD, which only makes things harder for her because she has struggled for years to get mom to pay attention to her & her mom, in trying to show us what a happy family she has with BF & baby, it's probably a knife through SD's heart each time. SD is realizing that BM is probably never going to seek custody of her and have her live there, especially now that they had to move from a fairly huge 4 bedroom house to a 2 bedroom mobile home. and Friday, SD saw that mom could care less what happens to her as far as school goes. I think SD knows that she won't be living with BM next year & BM says "I don't care if she has to repeat 6th grade again!" I mean, I don't always get along well with her & I do come across as harsh sometimes, but I care what happens to her. I think it's important for her to have an education & the biggest reason I am in favor of holding her back is because DH told her that if things don't improve, and if she keeps getting F's in multiple classes, he would have to hold her back because it indicates she is not ready to do more advanced work. But we don't WANT to see her held back, we want to see her work habits get better because each year, the assignments get harder. The bottom line is DH said it will happen if she continues to lie about finishing or turning in her work. She just admitted that she goes to a morning tutor class where she's supposed to bring questions about math & get an understanding so she can improve, she admitted she goes to the class & just sits there. Well, we all have been getting up an hour early twice a week for her to go so she can get help understanding math but her grade actually went down since she started it. We understand she has problems but she also needs to be at least trying, but she's been giving lip service and holding her back is a last resort. BM didn't want to discuss options to help her... so seeing her mom has an "I don't care" attitude, I'm getting hopeful she is going to come around. I saw something in her face I had never seen before and it just broke my heart. Another reason I think she and I have not been able to get along is that I think she knows that I don't believe or buy into her BS... she knows that I know what her mom is all about. I'm sure she knows much better because she is behind the scenes with her mom & hears her mom lying about stuff she knows about. She's now getting to the age where she's figuring out that mom lies to her the way she lies to everyone else. But, by no means have we been dragging BM into SD's life. Personally I think SD would be better off if BM would either step up or step off.. but this constant roller coaster she keeps her on is so hard on her. I don't know if that dynamic can be changed as long as SD fantasizes about living with her mom & BM keeps the dream alive with empty promises. We cannot financially afford to instigate a court proceeding to limit BM's contact, although it has been suggested that he seek supervised visits because of how BM discusses everything with SD. Me personally, I have been so frustrated I have welcomed the thought of SD going to live with her mom. AT least then she would see that it's not the fantasy that she has drummed up in her head. BM is focused on the new baby & trying to salvage her relationship with BF. I think deep down, SD knows it but still fantasizes that it would be different if she just lived there. The worse part in SD's situation is that it's such a long heartbreaking process to go through... and she may never actually give up on the fantasy. We can only hope.

Relationship on trust/money between OP and her BF is not really the point here. A call to the actual insurance provider should be persued before loaning out the vehicle to a live-in BF. OP knew this when she first posted, fact she knew this when she initially looked into insurance on the vehicle. She wants BF to have the pleasure of 'borrowing' her car without the having to pay for the monthly premium of it. And that's not the way it is suppose to work via many policies. If I loaned my car to a neighbor, my insurance covers it. If I loan my car to a son who does not reside with me, my insurance covers it. If I loan my car to a BF who lives down the street in his own home, my insurance covers it...but if I loan my car out to a non-listed, non-covered licensed driver who resides in my home and I am too cheap to pay for that premium addition, nope. I could have him put on as a casual, occassional pleasure driver (with an increased premium of course) and no problem. I could file an exception stating he lives there but is not driving my car and waive my company of responsiblity in the event he sneaks it anyway and crashes it. Blah blah. If BF resided with me owned his own car and was insured by himself on it and I owned my own car and was insured on it by myself (even without being listed on each other's policies) we could swap cars now and then and no problem...but that is not the case here. Either pay the extra premium and be honest to your insurance provider about who resides in your home and might drive your car or pay for a rental car. What you're suggesting is no different then if I were too cheap to put a 17 year old licensed living at home kid on my policy and pay the higher premium but still wanted the rewards of letting him/her drive it at will and have my provider pay for any boo-boos.

Praising someone , and acknowledging their accomplishment, isnt quite the same as offering a monetary reward in advance, for every "a" they bring home. I think its very important to encourage people of all ages by commenting on the good things that they do. I Think that way too often we focus on the bad things and ignore the good things. Psychologists recommend a five to one ration...five positive notices for one negative. Most parents fail to do that. THe reason I do not give monetary things for a good report card is simple. I cant set the standard in advance without humiliating the child who doesnt get grades at the same level. Its not about the A, or B, or D. Its about whether or not the kid tried, whether or not they put their own effort into it, and whether they stuck to it. REwarding for an A means nothing. When I was a student, I dont think I ever got less than an A in anything, except perhaps art. I was an exceptional student. My brother was lucky to scrape by with a C. My grandparents rewarded by purchasing things for me when I would get my report, and then admonishing my brother, see, Kathline got a new tape player because she did great on her report card. My brother resented the hell out of that, because firstly, I didnt have to work for those "a" grades; they came naturally, and b) he had to sweat just to get a c grade. My accomplishments were bragging material, his were an embarassment. IT was unfair,and damaging to my brother in the long run. Heck, it was even damaging to me, since I got rewarded for something that cost me very little work. Which is why I dont reward for report cards in my home, although no one could ever accuse me of not being positive with my kids. THe negatives in our household are extremely rare.

You need to step back and look at the whole situation. Your H would like nothing more than for his child to have a good, caring mother like you, but the situation is quite sensitive and has so much ramifications from a wrong move. your H probably is quite sensitive when dealing w his xw and does not want to stir the pot up too much. Your presence at the Teacher Parent conference would infer that this is YOUR child, and implies that the other mom does not exist. My daughter while in highschool, did not want my wife, her SM, to come to watch her soccer game. I knew it hurt my wife's feeling but we had to respect that. Bonding and relationship take times and history together to develop. Now as she is in college and mature some more, my daughter's attitude toward the SM has improved quite a bit. Had my wife forcefully pushed her way into my children's life (though their BM had died), our family relationship would explode to the point of no return. Guess what, I love my wife but I will not tear my own children's life apart for her own ego to be that "perfect step mom". several years prior to my 2nd marriage, I had dated this beautiful woman who thought my children would love her INSTANTLY because she was simply a nice person and when they did not, she got angry and called them b*tches. That woman then asked me to leave ALL my assets, including those of my 1st wife to her, again because she thought she was a nice person. I left that "nice" woman shortly after that. You seem to have a very generous and good heart, please keep that up. Don't let these little things and bumps in your blended family affect who you really are. Love asks nothing in return. Anger and revenge do not dissolve hatred and discord, but love can. Use your love to dissolve hatred and anger out there. You love your ss just like you love any other god's creatures. Just be patient, take a little step along the way. Lower your expectations, then everything you get is BONUS. Hopefully, one day you will have children of your own and then you can experience FULLY as a BIO MOM.