Well since you seem to be paying all the bills anyways why not just help them get an apartment. Don't put your name on the lease, but help them with the security deposit. Get them into the apartment and be done with them!

If they don't keep jobs and pay their bills they will loose the apartment and you can refuse to take them back again.

Either way, they are gone from your home!

Keep this up & you & your wife & your son might not have to worry about the future, 'cause you'll be dead.
Guys who have to hide out from their drug-dealing compatriots aren't generally that good at covering their tracks, & their "friends" will find them (& really, how hard would it be to figure out he's living with his mother? that's what all felons/criminals/etc *always* do, as long as their mothers are alive).

Tough love isn't an issue, mom crying isn't an issue, your lack of determination isn't an issue.

The issue is protecting the life of your son who hasn't even had time to grow up yet.

Get him out of your home even if you have to call the cops & have him hauled in on old warrents or if you have to file a complaint on him yourself.

Paying for an apartment won't "solve" your problem for long;
he'll get evicted & come right back, & when that happens, you *cannot* let him in the door.

No matter where he's been living, including on the streets, you *cannot* let him move back in when he gets booted out or has to hide;

*he cannot live with anyone whose life you value*.

Be safe.

I wish you the best.

Wow. This situation is almost exactly like the one my FBIL is going through. Its gut-wrenching.

I would say that, for the safety of yourself, your wife and your son, you have to kick the both of them out. Maybe set a deadline of 1 month. Tell them they had better have jobs and be looking for a place to live in 1 month or else their stuff will be packed for them and out on the front lawn by the time they wake that morning.

"By this time I am quite upset with my wife for putting the whole decision on me"

I'm kind of old-school and so is my FBIL's family. My FSIL sees her husband as the head of the household and defers to him to make the tough decisions. I see your wife as unable to make the strong decisions and she is reliant on you to be strong where she is weak. She's not trying to make you be the bad guy. She's trying to do what's best for her son and knows that continuing to enable him is not the way to go. She probably knows that if it's left up to her that she will give in. Your job is to protect your family and home even from your own family members and she's coming to you for that. I know my FSIL gets so angry with her husband's treatment of her son. But she also knows he's doing the right thing and she respects him for that.

So continue to do the right thing. The next time he comes home doped up, call the police. The next time he threatens anyone, call the police. The best thing for him to do is to hit rock bottom.

Thanks everyone for the advice. Apparently since he is in love with this girl now, he no longer smokes pot and certainly hasn't been combative up to this point. The drug use fortunately, is not an issue at this point It's just that they do nothing and it really bothers me obviously. I do not have money to get them into an apartment nor would I. Given all of the help I have provided over the years and being crapped upon time and time again, I cannot help any more. Addressing the issue of my wife looking to me to make the decisions, my previous decisions have caused me great trouble in the past. I have been accused of picking on him or just hating him in general. I can now admit that I allow things to occur just to keep the peace. But now I think that no matter what the consequences are, I need to do something. I love my wife, but I can no longer live like this. It is causing physical anguish as well as mental. I am by nature, a happy and fun loving guy. I am resentful that because of a situation that I did not create I am unhappy and mad. I am pissed when I wake up and pissed when I get home because the situation seems almost hopeless. This is my thought: I give them 60 days to find other living arrangements period. I had suggested 30 days a week or so ago and my wife didn't speak to me for three days. I was being unfair and that nobody could work and have enough money for an apartment in that short of time. I feel physically sick to my stomach as I write this. I am 43 and successful from working my butt off and I shouldn't be in this situation.

I understand exactly how you feel. I have not married my boyfriend because of his 20-yr-old son. The son doesn't do drugs or break the law, as far as we know, but he does nothing. He has not worked in over 2 years. He stopped going to college and lied about it. He will not even get a driver's license because then he would have no excuse not to work or go to school. I find the whole thing so depressing. I love my boyfriend dearly, but I can't see living in that situation. I know my boyfriend's son would steal from me and my young son. He steals from his dad and his sister. He resents his own father and sister. He would completely hate my son (who is only 10). He would also hate me because I can't tolerate anyone stealing from me. I get upset with my boyfriend because he doesn't consistently stay after the problem. I actually am considering leaving my boyfriend over this. It feels like an impossible situation and I want to be happy.

"I had suggested 30 days a week or so ago and my wife didn't speak to me for three days."

That's manipulating you in order to enable her son's disfunction.

If the silent treatment remains effective, you'll be living with this grown man for the rest of your life.

I like the old common law concept that "silence gives consent";

if my spouse didn't object out loud, I'd take the bull by the horns & tell her son he has to move by xxx date, & I'd hand him a notice to vacate-
in front of a witness.

(I'm assuming that he really isn't using drugs & that he really isn't a physical danger at present, but I'd also advise caution as to the idea that being in love has elevated him; it usually drags the beloved down to the level of the one who's messed up.)

but once you've given him notice, you cannot allow him to stay longer;

have you ever noticed those ladies in the grocery store or at the park who say, again & again & again,

"Little Johnny, if you don't stop that, I'm gonna take you back to the car & we're leaving & no pizza for you"?
...& they never leave?

Little Johnny keeps whining, begging, throwing a tantrum, whatever, & he gets pizza.

I say give them the time zone of 60 days (2 months) and do this in front of all of them and your wife. It wasn't nice of her as a wife to hand you the phone and set you up for the fall for her son! She is an enable to the full extent. You need to sit down with her and tell her you will no longer live like this. If she doesn't like it, she can move out with her son and support him.
I know you love you wife but sometimes enough is enough and it has reached a point where tough love on everyone here is the key. He's 22 and he's old enough to get a job and his girlfriend!
I got a job at 12 years old and had my own place by 15! So dont tell me it can't be done. Your wife has enabled him to be a lazy letch! He loves his girlfriend? Then get a job and get out!
You have to keep your son safe. I draw the line with my stepkids with my son. Its one thign for them to be acting up verbally but when my SD starts to act out on my son i draw the line. Last week was the week from hell and my husband knew it. I ripped into him about SD and she over heard everything. I told him next time i will tell her off personally and i will not come running tohim to fix the problem. My son, my territory on that aspect in my life and she will deal with me. I made it clear to all in the house.
Well, she behaved but she was happy to leave early and i was happy to see her go. And so was my SS. He said he really rather be with us without her.
I told my husband, if she behaves like this again next vacation i will personally boot her out. I will not leave it up to you. I will not have someone spoil a vacation for everyone under this roof.
Granted he put his foot down with her but not enough in my eyes. BUt i cant' expect him to . He loves hers and doesn't want to be the bad guy.
You know what? I dont mind being looked upon as the bad on now. To protect my son and also my SS now. Let her hate me. It doesn't matter.
Kurt you have to really speak with your wife. I know she loves her son but she is not helping him by allowinghim to do this under yours and her own home.

Kurt,
You must be a very patient, nice and understanding man, because if that was me being manipulated to that extent by both this stepson and your spouse they would come home to the locks changed and their bags packed in the front yard. One Set for this idiot Kidult and his peice of ass and the other set for your oh so *loving loyal wife.* Lets See how long they last without your generous ways!

I'm sorry for being harsh but as the adoptive mother of 11yo twin girl's who's mother overdosed and died and who's father has decided to sign away his rights in favour of drugs and good times, irresponsible parents really get me mad!

If nothing else where is your wife's concern for the impact all this crap has on your 14yo? where is her loyalty to YOUR family? Its about time She realised that he is too old to have his ass wiped and that manipulating your husband like that and to that degree is WRONG. Otherwise she's going to wake up without a husband to manipulate.

Best wishes and I hope she pulls her head out of her rear soon.

Unfortunately, you made a big mistake by letting him (and his girlfriend) come back to live in your home.

After his violent episode, I would not only have kicked him out, but I would have called the police and gone to court to get a restraining order on him. That way, he could only visit with your expressed permission. You have to protect your own son as well as yourself.

"I just need a place to say for a while until I get on my feet," is one of the oldest manipulative tricks in the book. It usually means that, "I don't have any plans to do anything, and I've run out of money." You are seeing that now.

I don't necessarily buy the argument that they have nowhere else to go. What about her family or friends. I think that it's just more convenient for them to impose on you first. I think that 60 days could easily turn into 6 months. Then if the girlfriend gets pregnant, they will need even more time. You need to tell them now that they have 30 days and that's it.

If he threatens you or steals from you again, he and the girlfriend need to leave immediately. Call the police and get a restraining order.

Your wife hasn't acted like a parent with her son. She is an enabler and her attitude reflects poorly on your marriage. You are working hard and paying the bills there. If she is not going to support you, then she needs to make a decision if she should even be there. I would tell her this.

You need to be prepared mentally and emotionally for all the potential negative surprises here. Think about what you should say in advance if you get another phone call begging you to let them come back. What will you say if you find that they are using drugs again, etc.

Don't worry about being the bad guy. This is just their way of manipulating you. The son is the one in the wrong here. Until he is forced to take responsibility, he will never be able to survive on his own.

Your role in supporting him ended when he was 18. It's been four years now, so kicking him out for good is long overdue.

Be strong and you will be happier with the result. If your wife leaves you over this, then you will be better off without her.