I'm learning my lesson

16 years ago

Hi to everyone,

I've posted here before and I really appreciated all the comments received.

I've been doing relatively well in the last couple of months in regards to my oldest SD with whom I have nothing in common except that I have been with her father for the last 18 yers (19 in August. How did I do it!!!!)

In April, after spending a week completly alone up at the lake, I had made the firm committement to myself that I would DISENGAGE from my oldest SD. I have put in practice everything I believe is good for my health, my relationship with DH, etc. etc. I have tried really, really hard to diminish the resentment i have towards this SD.

A few weeks ago, DH and I went to a small family gathering where all the children would be, including the SD who recently broke up her family by leaving her husband, taking the kids out of school and moving back in with her mother. She (27 yrs old) is not working and enjoys her days off being home alone playing on the computer all day while we are all getting up in the morning to go to work.

While being there, i happened to have a talk with this SD's grandmother with whom i have always gotten along. I have never, never in 18 yers said a wrong word about this SD to anybody in the family, that I didn't agree with her way of living, decisions, etc. etc. Well, while taling with the grandmother, out of the blues, she told me what she thought of her granddaughter, my SD. I couldn't believe it! I just couldn't believe what i was hearing! She said exactly the same things I think about the SD - irresponsible, trying to fool all of us with her decisions, etc. etc. All this time, I always thought i must be crazy for thinking these things about this SD.

She has two young daughters whom we dearly love. I feel very sorry for these two young girls, but I've learnt my lesson in regards to them also.

The oldest child (9 yres old) loves to visit us. I asked her one day - have you been riding your bicycle. No she replied. It's broken!

I was so hurt for her. How can a kid enjoy summer without a bicycle! I thought why isn't your mother making plans to fix your bike, why isn't your father doing something about it! I was so mad that I talked to DH about the bicycle. But i did say to him. "" Look, i really don't think it is up to us to get her a bike. Her mother is going out to movies, buying clothes, going out to play pool, getting her hair cut. I think she should look into getting her daughter's bike fixed!"

That was useless of me to tell him that. Of course DH is now rushing out, trying to fix a bike we already have at home, buying stuff for the bike etc. I keep telling myself - the child will be happy, thanks to her grand father and thanks to me who talked to him about the situation and altought i am very happy that the child will get a bicycle this summer, I've learnt my lesson to keep my mouth shut and not tell DH everything.Otherwise, i know he will always always try to get for these children what I believe is the responsibility of her parents. Imagine when this child says ...i want a car?

Thank you for reading my post. I am so upset once again for the irresponsibility this SD is showing towards this one child!

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Comments (7)

lafevem
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
First of all, good for you and your DH for getting the child a bike. Her mom may always be a jerk, but thank goodness she has people like you in her life. You are right that it isn't your responsibility, but I know that little girl will love it, and that is what matters. Continue to disengage....I have started with my SD's and it is the most peace I have had in a loooooonnnng time. It has helped my marriage as well. I have learned my DH is not going to do anything to rock the boat so why should I waste my time worrying about it. Hugs to you and focus on you and your DH, and just do what you can for the sweet grandbabies.
fleurs_gardener
Original Author
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Thank you lafevem for your kind words of encouragement.

I wish you luck with your SD and you are so right. It's sometimes me who rocks the boat more than my husband.I need to work even more on my disengaging. When I do i am so much happier.

This being said, i guess what i find most difficult about bieng a stepparent is not being recognized and appreciates for what we do. Now i see that happening with the grand children.

Thank you for reading my post.
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sylviatexas1
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I once dated a guy whose old girlfriend had a teen-aged son, Brandon.

Brandon had been about 12 when Don & his mom were dating.

Don said he finally gave up & broke up with Brandon's mother because he realized that she was just like the woman you describe:

moved around a lot, crashed on her family when all else failed (& lied to them every time), never held a job long, long periods of unemployment between jobs, money spent on nails & hair & make-up & nothing for Brandon.

Pretty soon after we started dating, Don told me that he considered Brandon his godson, & that he would always do things for Brandon.

Every now & then, Don & I would have to go to the cheap movie, because Brandon needed something, or, later on, I wouldn't see him at all on some particular week-end, because Brandon was in town from college.

Don helped Brandon get his first job, he bought him some decent clothes, probably from Wal-Mart but at least they were decent & appropriate to a teen-aged boy, he paid for Brandon's senior pictures & his class ring, he co-signed for a used car, & he helped & encouraged him to apply for grants & scholarships.

If he hadn't done this, Brandon wouldn't have had any of it except maybe the job.

& if his mother had dared, she would have coerced his paycheck out of him;
Don stood up to her when he thought Brandon might get snowed.

Brandon's mother was just not involved with him.
She was involved with herself.

same here.

Your hubs's daughter isn't going to get any bicycle fixed.

She isn't going to pay for a prom dress, or summer camp, or a class trip, & she isn't going to help anybody get a job or a car or a grant or scholarship.

If you & hubs don't do it, this girl just won't have these things.

What I mean to say is, good for your hubs.
fleurs_gardener
Original Author
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
sylviatexas,

If there is one person I always look forward to reading, it is you.

AT first i was a little scared of reading your post but the more I read it the more I understand now why in my heart it was just such a natural reaction to tell my DH how i felt about his grand-daughter not having a bicyle. I felt so so sad for her, but mainly i was so so upset at her mother and father! How ignorant can people be.

Thanks for reading me.

Looking forward to reading yours.

The bicylce is still in our house and everytime i look at it, i keep reminding myself this grand child will be happy and if she doesn't know that all of this is because of me, well thats ok. What can i say. Thats life. The more i live, the more i realize it is best not to expect anything in life or from anyone. That way i am less disappointed in mankind.

However, I am just so so so so so upset at this SD for treating her child like this and it truly, truly makes me sick to my stomach how she shows no affection towards this child. It hurts me so ....................... I can't start telling you how i feel!

This being said, every single day, i keep telling myself, one day this SD is really, really going to be asking herself questions when her daughter wants nothing to do with her. This won't be too late happening either, believe me. The child is already 9 yrs,v ery intelligent, independent, etc.

I really think however that I am overly sensitive in regards to how this SD is treating this child because of the way i was treated by my own mother. That is not very well affectionately and i know how the situation between my mother and I has affected me tremendously in life.

The difference between this young grand daughter and me is that she at least has a grand father and a grand mother who truly, truly love her. I promised myself i will help her as much as i can from now on and i will stop being selfish.
Thank you for your advice.

P.S. could you just tell me a little bit more about Brandon. How is his relationship today with his bio mother and Don!

I once asked the therapiste why was I still wanting to be so close to my mom and wanting to do everything i possibly could for her despite the way she treated me all my life. Why did i love her so much?

The therapist said : dogs......have you ever seen a dog not obey his master even when the master was the most horrible person towards this dog! From this i understood everything and that is what i find difficult to understand sometimes in life.

In my heart, and this is really mean to say, but i sometimes wish that this SD will suffer as much as i have suffered in life so that she may understand that in life WE DO NOT ALWAYS GET WHAT WE WANT AND BEING SELFISH AND IRRESPONSIBLE IS HORRIBLE!
sylviatexas1
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
thanks, fleurs!

"Why did i love her so much?"

because you, like every other little critter, were hard-wired to love your mother, to look to her for sustenance & protection.

We don't know the difference between the individual we happened to draw in the "mother" lottery & the ideal of "mother".

An emergency room nurse once said that she had seen children with cigarette burns crying for their mothers.

Who had burned them?

their mothers.

"i sometimes wish that this SD will suffer as much as i have suffered in life so that she may understand that in life WE DO NOT ALWAYS GET WHAT WE WANT AND BEING SELFISH AND IRRESPONSIBLE IS HORRIBLE!"

I bet the reason this woman has such a hold on you is because her behavior & attitude is a reincarnation of your own mother's.

Controllers sometimes get my goat for the same reason.

A very smart young woman once told me that she stopped being angry at her truly awful mother when she realized that her anger was controlling her the same way her mother had.

In her mother's absence, she was doing to herself what her mother had done to her!

By remaining engaged in the problem, in the misery of the past, she was giving her mother what she called "free rent in my head, in my heart, & in my soul".

She taught me a technique.

When feelings start to boil, do this *before* the situation escalates & you get all torn up.

Stop.
Even if you're in the middle of a sentence, close your mouth.
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
Take a step back (do this physically & not just mentally if you can.)
Disengage.

Voila.

Now you're free to think your own positive thoughts & choose your own positive actions.
sylviatexas1
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
...that I last saw Don several years ago.

He had married (see what old boyfriends will do if you don't keep up with them???), & he told me that Brandon was to graduate from college that same spring.

Had it not been for Don, Brandon would likely have been the smartest person in a low-level job with no chance of advancement, living with his mother, & handing her his paycheck.

Don was just one caring person, & he didn't even have a bucket of money, but he made profound differences in someone's life.
fleurs_gardener
Original Author
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Bonjour sylviatexas,

"I bet the reason this woman has such a hold on you is because her behavior & attitude is a reincarnation of your own mother's. "

When I read this, I got goose bumps! Bingo, i thought. That is exactly, but exactly, the reason why I have had and still do have a lot of diffuclties with this stepdaugahter. I've always questioned myself as to why and how could a young child (she was 9 when i met her) could have such control over me!

Because of your words, i now know why. She has treated me exactly like my mother has treated me for years. IGNORING ME!

I never, never never associated her behaviour towards me like the one my mother had towards me, no matter what i did for mu mother, no matter how many times I asked her if she loved me.

Thank you for the technique. I already tried it once this morning. Felt better after.

"she was giving her mother what she called "free rent in my head, in my heart, & in my soul".

I just love love love the above words. And I've decided no body is getting free rent on my behalf anymore. That's it, that's all!

Glad to read also on Brandon and i think Don rocks!

Thank you for your posts and wisdom.

I'm learning my lesson

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lafevem

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I'm learning my lesson

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lafevem

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