WOW...This makes me very glad that I have a supportive man. It isn't the fifteen year olds fault. She is being a normal fifteen year old. I mean it doesn't HELP that Bio-mom is planting poison dartrs in her brain but teenagers in general can be monsters. I know cause' I use to be one:) I gave my BIOmom hell poor soul. That's another story, back to mister father of the year. He NEEDS to support you. It doesn't matter if this child is a step or blood....kids LOVE to play parents against one another. There is just more chess pieces to play with when there are Step parents involved. If daddy puts the foot down with princess, and I don't mean be a ruthless jerk but just lays down the boundaries, the behavior will stop. I think parents like dad feel guilt over the divorce or working long hours or not getting little Suzie that pony when they were five or whatever so they over compensate by letting the kiddies get away with out right murder. This is a horrible dis-service to the children because they never learn to except "NO". Unfortunatly for them no is a staple in the real world diet....Dad is setting up his daughter dearest for a ruff road if he doesn't help her understand that "YOU CAN'T ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU WAAANT". That Mick Jagger knew what he was talking about.

Oh my...this is tough...I know what I am about to say may get me some negative comments but I am prepared for them so here goes. If Dad won't set her straight, YOU need to do it. For 4 years I have been a stepmom to 3 while being a bio mom to 2 and I have gone to my DH the entire time begging him to help me hold the stepchildren accountable. I finally accepted last month that it was not going to happen. He is NOT going to step up. He may try for a day but most of what he actually does do is threaten a consequence and will not follow through. Honestly, my DH drives me crazy with his repeat warnings. He asks nicely for a child to clean their room...a few hours later when it's still trashed it's like "clean your room now!" They don't...so he says "I told you to clean your room now and if you don't you are going to be grounded!" They of course do nothing. Three days later he realizes that they never cleaned their room...so he starts the whole process over. When I remind him that he just told them they were going to have a consequence 3 days ago if they didn't do it, he just looks at me perplexed and says "But I didn't tell them yet TODAY." SS11's room is so disgustingly nasty that I worried about him playing and sleeping in there...so I gave up on DH and I laid down the law. This is my house, too. I don't need their room to be spotless but rotting food and dirty underwear all over the place is where I draw the line. BM sees them 4 days a month. DH says them about 30 minutes a day. I am the only thing that is constant in their lives and I'm done with waiting on DH and BM to be parents. So I look like the bad guy. Big deal. I am very lucky that my kids do tend to listen after having to face consequences consistently...so eventually they will conform... Just a few weeks ago I was mega concerned with always looking like the bad guy and my house was thoroughly trashed constantly. I came to a point where I was prepared to leave my DH because he just was not going to change. And forget BM siding with me on the nasty messes they were leaving. She would probably give them a high five for making messes that I had to clean. The day I realized that I had nothing to lose, I wised up and started being a disciplinarian. Things have changed in so many ways. Yea, I'm a little upset with DH that I have had to take over this role but that's okay for now...All 5 of the kids in this house suddenly have a sense of pride in making ME proud of them. I have never heard "Come and see how clean my room is!" more than I have in the last month...and of course they get praise every single time...Because of a change in behavior and meeting responsibilities, I have reintroduced night time snacks (special treat that I used to provide each and every night) and I hosted a sleepover with 3 of the kids friends over...Yes, EIGHT kids. I had 8 kids in my van, driving to the local civic center and to the store for snacks afterwards and kids were sleeping EVERYWHERE but the kids had a GREAT time. After their company left today, they cleaned the house up in better condition than it was the day before... Your SD needs consequences, guidance and tough love combined with praise and rewards for a job well done. If no one else is able to provide this, jump right in and take over it yourself. Of course, get DH's complete backing before you make this change...I had DH"s full support...it was easy enough to get...it meant he didn't have to do it! For 4 years, my fear was that the stepchildren would 1) tell mom on me for being parental and 2) tell mom lies and exaggerations about what was going on. I had to a adapt a "Who gives a damn?" attitude. If BM calls me and says "I hear you went through my daughter's clothes and took away all of spaghetti strap tops" I would just say "Yep. She just turned 14, and can't seem to learn how to wear them appropriately. I got tired of her showing half of her stuff and bending over in public where everyone could see everything she has so I took them and put them away. I also took the jeans that are too tight on her and the ones with holes in the rear end. You have a problem with that?" I have nothing to lose. My option is to leave...or go crazy. The kids NEED guidance and apparently BM and DH are too concerned with being a the "most popular parent." I won't be a pawn in this game because they are only hurting the kids...sadly they don't see that...

"I think under the circumstances she should live with mom. I don't know if mom pursued it though." Nope. Her mom has not pursued it. The court has basically tied her hands by requiring her to have an evaluation done (because she lied to the mediator & coached SD to lie to the mediator, so the mediator declined to make a recommendation) first... at her expense ($6,000) She has already told DH she does not have any money... of course she has since had another baby too. The only way she can go live with her mom at this point is if DH hands over custody. He is not willing to do that.. for a few reasons. (and money is not one of them) 1. When BM left SD, she also left her older DD with grandma. Coincidentally, BM claims older DD came to live with her at the beginning of this school year... the exact same time grandma moved to the town where BM lives. DH & I believe older DD is still living with grandma, but maybe using BM's address for school there so BM can 'prove' her older DD lives with her. If she wanted her kids with her, wouldn't she try to make that happen? If DH were to send SD to live with her mom, there's a very good chance that SD would end up living with others... grandma or BF's mother & not with BM. 2. DH is watching closely what is happening with older DD. She is wearing heavy make up & provacative/tight/trashy clothes at age 14. She looks 19. BM and/or Grandma allow her to use the computer/internet unsupervised... unless one of them is watching her at 1am-2am when she is posting things on FB. and BM's BF has two sons, right around the same ages as BM's daughters... and the older one left what DH considers inappropriate comments on older DD's FB page... and BM commented too, showing she knows about it but instead of having them remove the comments, she added to it... because she is more of a 'friend' to her than a parent. 3. BM has shown absolutely no concern for the things that DH feels are important for SD. SD is being assessed for ADHD, BM is choosing to not be involved at all. SD is failing in most of her classes, BM has chosen not to come to school conferences or meetings. If BM has no concern for what is happening in SD's life right now, why would that change if SD were living over there? As for spending my day with people I resent... DH gets SD up and out of the house while I am getting ready for work. I may say good morning if I see her. She now goes to after care until after I get done at work.. I pick her up at 6pm, her dad gets home around 6:30 or 7. I make dinner, she sits in her room. I play with the baby, she sits in her room. I watch TV, she sits in her room. DH comes home & she calls him into her room... he checks her binder, they talk & he goes to get cleaned up for dinner... she sits in her room. Dinner is served, she sits at the table... usually with her hand on the side of her face so I can't see her and she can't see me. She finishes her dinner & says thank you, and goes back to her bedroom until it's time for her to take her shower & get ready for bed. Nobody 'makes' her stay in her room. She is welcome to come into the living room and join the family... we have told her that many times. She usually declines. But, she has also told her mother that we make her stay in her room, eat her dinner alone, we won't let her play outside or we make her play outside in an electrical storm... whatever she needs to get a reaction from BM. It's a sad existence and life for a little girl... and a far cry from before her mom moved away or when she first lived here full time. She would ask me to take her to her friends house to play, or the park.. or we would go shopping & have lunch. I used to take her to girl scouts, karate, dance & swim lessons... and quite often, BM would get her panties in a twist that I am doing "mom" things and taking karate is only going to confuse her... because BM had taken her to tae kwon do & "it's a completely different form of martial arts that leaves SD confused" and BM insisted SD didn't want to do it, even though SD told us she did.... that is the kind of BS we have had to deal with when we try to do anything with SD. We looked into religious education, hoping she could get something out of it. DH is Catholic, BM is Presbyterian. We want her to learn about the ten commandments & the golden rule... we are not practicing Catholics, but the church has a youth group & we thought it was a good idea. BM found out, called DH yelling at him that SD is not going to be Catholic because she is Presbyterian & religion follows the mother... all the while DH could hear SD in the background listening to her mother yelling at her father. (and I'm not interested in any debate on religion or on who has the right or doesn't have the right to choose the religion...) the point is that BM is not practicing any religion either & SD hasn't been exposed to either religion... in my opinion, it shouldn't matter if they both want to take their child to both churches... let her learn both and make up her own mind what she wants to believe. But, that is the kind of stuff BM says and does to keep us from doing anything with SD. We have had talks with her about the lying... breaking down, crying, heart to heart talks and she knows that it is unacceptable for her to tell lies about us (she has also lied about DH) and yet, she continues to do it. We understand WHY she does it. DH cannot stop her from talking to her mom... and he has tried to tell BM what SD is doing, but she takes a defensive position. (BTW, SD also lies about her mom spending time with her... she lies to make us look bad, and she lies to make her mom look good.) You wouldn't tolerate your DD running around, spreading lies... and your DD would probably not do it because she cares what you think. SD seems to only care what BM thinks, and BM is the one that has taught SD to lie.. she has even lied for SD. I don't necessarily dislike SD, I don't trust her and I dislike the way she treats me with the things she does. I agree it is a horrible way to live.. not pleasant for her, nor for me. I wish it could be different and maybe someday, she will want it to be different. As for her mother, she has used the excuse that she has no money for gas to come see her school play, watch her perform in band, cheer her at her track meets, or even come pick her up on Fridays... but then she went & had another baby that I am sure SD will begin to notice that when the baby needs things, BM finds the money for it. and of course BM has time for the baby... even though she hasn't really had time for SD for 3 years. I guess the saddest part is that BM does not want to have a close relationship or be involved in SD's day to day life, but she also does not want me to either. So, SD is the one that suffers with a miserable life. This is probably an extreme case, but this is what I mean when mom's are so hell bent on being angry at dad's or jealous/insecure of anyone else loving or being involved in their child's life, or just plain territorial... it hurts the kids in one way or another. The stepparent may or may not have a relationship with the child... I am not saying that without the mom's interference, the child would love or have a relationship with the stepparent... but it certainly closes the door to that possibility when the mom causes problems. There's nothing wrong with a mom feeling jealous/insecure or not wanting another woman having a relationship with their child... maybe those are natural, instinctual feelings. But, to act on them to prevent such a relationship from forming because it's YOUR child... is just wrong, in my opinion. and I apologize for the hijack & very long post.

First wanted to thank everyone that has responded. I agree that I should at least try the counseling before breaking up the marriage. I had asked my husband earlier this year to add SD to his health insurance so we can take her to a therapist, he finally agreed it was necessary (this was prior to the incident with my daughter). My husband briefly mentioned to BM that he wanted to take her to talk to someone and she was VERY against it. She said that if that was the case she wanted to be involved in every step, so we became sort of hesitant. However, I have come to realize that we both have to stop making concessions for the BM when she is at the root of most of my SD aggressions toward my family. I found a therapist that is experienced in handling both our marital problems & adolescent aggression and she works weekend hours which is perfect because she is in school and we could take her when she visits her father. Just to clarify I have made many efforts to form a relationship with my SD. However, I also believe that my husband is neither doing my SD or our family any good by ignoring the situation and not dealing with it head-on. Our role as parents is to guide our children to be good, loving human beings with a solid moral center and by not addressing the behavior we are giving her proper direction. I also think I need to take charge of my house and be more proactive when it comes to my SD's behavior. I hope therapy will facilitate this process and the BM will not make a huge issue of it and for once see that this would be cathartic for her. In addition, it would give my husband the opportunity to explain why he was not present for her birth, which her mother "kindly" told her version, in a controlled environment with the direction of a therapist. So, of course, I am hoping for the best and also know that this by no means will be a quick fix but instead a committment which my husband and I are willing to participate in (I have to start somewhere). Thank you again for your words of support.